When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Remember Op, you just have to do more and do not expect anything in return. Maybe give her a new car and some jewelry....even better a trip around the world(without you). It would be very unfair to expect her to prostitute herself for your sake.

[Anonymous]

I waited until my oldest went to college (three younger ones). He got VERY upset - angry, hurt, guilty, etc. All the kids it turned out, knew we were miserable. When we split, they were like "Thank god! About time!" We're not religious and it came out one had been praying every night that we'd divorce. The oldest felt terrible that I'd been waiting for him to hit college. Told me had he known, he'd have gone to summer school and tried to skip a grade.

I wish I hadn't waited. We were able to split before we really hated each other and instead did it when we agreed we were both miserable and there wasn't any hope of it getting better. Aside from a month or two of frustration in learning the new visitation schedule, the split went smoothly. The kids really like seeing us able to celebrate their birthdays together and be able to talk to each other nicely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

No, it's called being a mature adult and trying to be empathetic and make things work. You sound like a psycho with a bone to pick....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

No, it's called being a mature adult and trying to be empathetic and make things work. You sound like a psycho with a bone to pick....

It's more a chicken/egg situation. Which happened first. She became his mom 1st... not his lover, then she became a cold roommate.

When they say marriage is work this is what they mean. It goes both ways, if this was the wife posting I would ask the EXACT SAME QUESTION.

If he has done NOTHING for her since " he put a ring on it" then she is just not bonded anymore.

He is not a VICTIM. She doesn't "hold his hand".

[Anonymous]

OP, get off the internet.

Grow up

[Anonymous]

These women who check out of the marriage when they have kids don't deserve a spouse. The same goes for men. Grow some balls, tell her that you are human and you need to be loved, and if she won't do it you'll find someone else who will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or at least the thought occurred to me. They're in elementary school now, so it's a long way off. My wife is a great life partner, roommate, and mother. But she gained some weight (after losing the baby-weight, she gained it back and then some) and lost her libido. That spiraled into lack of all physical affection. I initiate almost all hugs, hand-holding, you name it. She seems to tolerate it. I'm completely miserable, but I love my children and won't destroy an otherwise happy household just so I can get laid and have some regular affection. But after they're gone, maybe I will. I'll be mid-50's when the last kid goes off to college; that's a lot of life to live in a marriage with very little sex and affection. I hope that once the kids are less of an attention drain that she focuses more on me, but if she doesn't, it'll make the decision all the easier.

But the question for DCUM is this: How damaging is it to children in their 20's when their parents divorce?

When was the last time your wife had a full physical? Have you or her or the two of you together had counseling? How are the household chores divided up? How are the children's needs divided up? Do both of you work outside of the house? Is there an imbalance in other aspects of your lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or at least the thought occurred to me. They're in elementary school now, so it's a long way off. My wife is a great life partner, roommate, and mother. But she gained some weight (after losing the baby-weight, she gained it back and then some) and lost her libido. That spiraled into lack of all physical affection. I initiate almost all hugs, hand-holding, you name it. She seems to tolerate it. I'm completely miserable, but I love my children and won't destroy an otherwise happy household just so I can get laid and have some regular affection. But after they're gone, maybe I will. I'll be mid-50's when the last kid goes off to college; that's a lot of life to live in a marriage with very little sex and affection. I hope that once the kids are less of an attention drain that she focuses more on me, but if she doesn't, it'll make the decision all the easier.

But the question for DCUM is this: How damaging is it to children in their 20's when their parents divorce?

When was the last time your wife had a full physical? Have you or her or the two of you together had counseling? How are the household chores divided up? How are the children's needs divided up? Do both of you work outside of the house? Is there an imbalance in other aspects of your lives?

THIS! These questions need to be answered

[Anonymous]

OP, to answer your question - my parents split just before I went to college (I am the youngest of my siblings, I was last to leave the house). I credit my dad that he just moved out and left the "family" home to my mom so my senior year in high school wasn't disrupted. I also credit my parents for sticking together until I was practically gone from the home so I didn't have to endure split custody and other hassles of a divorced kid. That being said, my parents then proceeded to hate each other (more my mom hating my dad) but regardless it made the next several years really unenjoyable. Bottom line, I don't see my parents very often anymore and it is easier this way.

For what its worth, you have my sympathy. Marriage is a sexual relationship. If you expect monogamy from your spouse you need to take care of the sexual aspect of your marriage. Clearly your wife has abdicated her responsibility. And if she needs something from you to feel sexual, it doesn't sound like she has told you what it is. A lot can change between now and when your kids leave for college so maybe things will improve. But I respect people like you who stick it out for the kids when it would be easier to split and find happiness outside the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These women who check out of the marriage when they have kids don't deserve a spouse. The same goes for men. Grow some balls, tell her that you are human and you need to be loved, and if she won't do it you'll find someone else who will.

Way to act like a child. usually, when this happens, it's because the woman is doing 95% of the child-raising, and the man is acting pretty much like another child himself. But, yeah, it makes perfect sense to put all the burden of the family on her and then tell her she "doesn't deserve a spouse" because she's not attracted to the loser "husband" who's completely self-centered. She DOES deserve a spouse. She just doesn't have one. She has a selfish, entitled roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

So your way is: Do not address the wife's needs at all. Just demand that she show affection for someone with energy that she doesn't have. Anyone want to guess why she might not have it? Hmmm, there are a few options. 1 (and I'm putting money on this one) is that the husband is a lazy, selfish brat. That's how he comes off in the OP. Not very attractive. 2) is she's overwhelmed with motherhood (and these days also usually a job) and hasn't figured out how to be herself as a person and a spouse and a parent at the same time. 3) something physical or mental/emotional.
Or, in your preferred scenario, she's just evil. She just was biding her time until she had kids so she could be an admittedly wonderful mother but destabilize her family by mistreating her husband. Does that make sense to you? Not logical, right?
So it makes much more sense to try to address the root causes of her detachment rather than call her fat and threaten her, which is what the OP is doing. But given that that's his approach, I suspect divorce will happen and she'll at least be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you are willing to throw away a woman who, by your description, is wonderful, because she won't suck your dick as much as you want... Yeah, sorry but that's shallow. And I'm guessing your kids will agree with me and the others on here in that it's a real selfish reason to break up a family.

why are people so unwilling to believe that an active and exciting love life is a HUGE component for some people in a happy marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you take off work to spend the day with her?

How often do you go on dates without the children? How often do you actually plan the date and daycare?

How often do you go on vacation without the children?

How often does she go away with friends without you or the children?

X200000000

Oh, fuck this. It's standard issue advice for husbands of wives who have unilaterally decided that because they are mothers there is no longer any reasonable expectation that they'll be wives as well. And it doesn't work. It's gaslighting to make him think he's at fault for the poor treatment he's receiving and, even more, kiss her ass. Talk about victim blaming.

so you think it is okay for a couple to never go on a date, never take a day off together, never vacation without children, never go away without the family.

You life must SUCK!

Where did you get "never" out of any of that exchange? Nice straw man you got there. Be a shame if anything happened to it.

There are a lot of women out there who don't want to have sex with their husbands for a variety of reasons. There is some smallish subset that is just so exhausted or resentful of their slacker husbands that the husband doing more around the house or taking her on a date or facilitating her escape from the family will result in a restored sex life. But the number of times men get this advice for fixing a sexless marriage is out of proportion. (See, e.g., this discussion of "choreplay" where he quotes a survey suggesting something like 15% of women get turned on by their guy doing chores. http://therationalmale.com/2013/01/30/choreplay/).

It's such an easy, low-risk-to-the-woman, suggestion. While it might result in a restored sex life sometimes, it's always very self-serving for the women giving the advice. By contrast, how often do we hear the husband advised to, "get away from the family so she'll have time to miss you and appreciate the things that you do"? That's a workable solution in some cases too. Hell, even - go workout and dress snappier - would be better advice. Because, in some cases, that' also is going to improve their sex life. And, even if it doesn't - at least the dude looks and feels better and, if things do go south, he'll have an easier time landing an affectionate woman.