When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Right, this is a long term monogamous relationship, which means love is very important. Or should she just lie back and spread her legs and have joyless sex? Is that what you're suggesting?

False dichotomy. Maybe she needs to figure out what she needs in order to make sex an enjoyable priority she recognizes as vital to the survival of the marriage - starting with things she can do herself and, if that doesn't work, asking her husband to try different things that might help. If she's making an effort, and he is unwilling to try to help improve their sex life, then he's a schmuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She isn't lazy. He said she's a wonderful mother. No "wonderful mother" is lazy. None of the other options make the "tell her to lose weight and put out or divorce her" course of action make sense. On the other hand, it seems quite likely since that's his approach that he's a lazy, selfish slob.

Wonderful mothers can absolutely be lazy wives. It's a matter of priorities. I'm a hard worker when it comes to my job but utterly lazy when it comes to, say, cleaning my car. I like and care about the former and am utterly indifferent to the latter.

And can you think of any reasons why a wife wouldnt like or care about her husband? Or do you expect that from her? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not that I'd mind, but she is overweight, dresses like a librarian (not the hot kind ) and can't complete a sentence that doesn't mention some kid issue.
Guys be lining the block for that too.

Yup. Plenty of guys dont see her that way, I assure you.

What do you look like though? Chris Hemsworth/David Gandy doppleganger, I assume? lol.

I look like a college soccer player with a few extra wrinkles and (slightly) thinning hair.
In other words I've taken great care of myself and I have the same sex quotient as when we first met.
So I resent the fact dear wife has given up on her appearance, but sure maybe there are guys who like the "I am a mom now so don't touch me" look.

You sound feisty, I like that. maybe I could squeeze in a second date this week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Right, this is a long term monogamous relationship, which means love is very important. Or should she just lie back and spread her legs and have joyless sex? Is that what you're suggesting?

False dichotomy. Maybe she needs to figure out what she needs in order to make sex an enjoyable priority she recognizes as vital to the survival of the marriage - starting with things she can do herself and, if that doesn't work, asking her husband to try different things that might help. If she's making an effort, and he is unwilling to try to help improve their sex life, then he's a schmuck.

And maybe he needs to figure out how to make sex more enjoyable for her. Theres a reason lesbians report much higher sexual satisfaction than hetero women. Maybe he needs to figure out what he's doing wrong and read up on the female libido and the numerous ways to get it going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Planning date nights with no expectation of sex?"

That's the only kind of date night I plan. I have no reason to have an expectation of sex because sex never happens.

That's cruel. My husband takes me out, I'm having sex with him.

Most the time, by the time I get the babysitter taken home (maybe a 15-20 minute process), my wife has changed into frumpy clothes and is asleep. So, I've never really seen the value of the date night advice.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you are a premature ejaculator, OP, and your wife has finally given up on you ever satisfying her. There's two sides to every story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not that I'd mind, but she is overweight, dresses like a librarian (not the hot kind ) and can't complete a sentence that doesn't mention some kid issue.
Guys be lining the block for that too.

Yup. Plenty of guys dont see her that way, I assure you.

What do you look like though? Chris Hemsworth/David Gandy doppleganger, I assume? lol.

I look like a college soccer player with a few extra wrinkles and (slightly) thinning hair.
In other words I've taken great care of myself and I have the same sex quotient as when we first met.
So I resent the fact dear wife has given up on her appearance, but sure maybe there are guys who like the "I am a mom now so don't touch me" look.

You sound feisty, I like that. maybe I could squeeze in a second date this week?

I look like a college soccer player with a few extra wrinkles and (slightly) thinning hair. AKA I am completely delusional and aging and cannot handle it, have no muscle development and am probably a short little runt.

As for me, you must be confusing me with someone else in your old age. I would never date a sleaze. And trust me, if I did, you could NEVER handle me. I promise you that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm surprised at how much baggage everyone dumped on this thread. I've been called lots of things before in my life, but never so many as today -- and by people who don't even know me.

I'll refrain from answering all of the harebrained questions. I'll also refrain from answering the good questions because this thread has gotten out of control and needs to die.

But thanks to those of you who gave thoughtful responses. My original post was a vent more than anything else, and wasn't an anonymous announcement of a personal decision I'd made. It was spurred by a thought that entered my head on a bad day. Anonymous forums let you vent like that without the damage that would occur from voicing the same thought for attribution. Those thoughtful responses have brought me back to where I've always been (before my vent this morning): Marriage is forever; as bad as things might be (or seem to be), divorce would be exponentially worse. I thought the most powerful comments were from the adults who talked about what it's like to raise children of divorced grandparents. That really sucks for you and is unfair for your kids. Thanks for sharing.

Aaaannnnnnnddddd, CUT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Right, this is a long term monogamous relationship, which means love is very important. Or should she just lie back and spread her legs and have joyless sex? Is that what you're suggesting?

False dichotomy. Maybe she needs to figure out what she needs in order to make sex an enjoyable priority she recognizes as vital to the survival of the marriage - starting with things she can do herself and, if that doesn't work, asking her husband to try different things that might help. If she's making an effort, and he is unwilling to try to help improve their sex life, then he's a schmuck.

And maybe he needs to figure out how to make sex more enjoyable for her. Theres a reason lesbians report much higher sexual satisfaction than hetero women. Maybe he needs to figure out what he's doing wrong and read up on the female libido and the numerous ways to get it going.

He needs to "figure it out"? The easiest way for him to figure it out is for her to say, "these things would make sex more enjoyable for me, please do them." But lots of women don't know what they'd enjoy. Lots of women are too shy to say what they want when they do know. And plenty more aren't willing to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She isn't lazy. He said she's a wonderful mother. No "wonderful mother" is lazy. None of the other options make the "tell her to lose weight and put out or divorce her" course of action make sense. On the other hand, it seems quite likely since that's his approach that he's a lazy, selfish slob.

Wonderful mothers can absolutely be lazy wives. It's a matter of priorities. I'm a hard worker when it comes to my job but utterly lazy when it comes to, say, cleaning my car. I like and care about the former and am utterly indifferent to the latter.

And can you think of any reasons why a wife wouldnt like or care about her husband? Or do you expect that from her? Why?

Self-centered? Complacent? Has what she wants, why should she be bothered about him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Right, this is a long term monogamous relationship, which means love is very important. Or should she just lie back and spread her legs and have joyless sex? Is that what you're suggesting?

False dichotomy. Maybe she needs to figure out what she needs in order to make sex an enjoyable priority she recognizes as vital to the survival of the marriage - starting with things she can do herself and, if that doesn't work, asking her husband to try different things that might help. If she's making an effort, and he is unwilling to try to help improve their sex life, then he's a schmuck.

And maybe he needs to figure out how to make sex more enjoyable for her. Theres a reason lesbians report much higher sexual satisfaction than hetero women. Maybe he needs to figure out what he's doing wrong and read up on the female libido and the numerous ways to get it going.

He needs to "figure it out"? The easiest way for him to figure it out is for her to say, "these things would make sex more enjoyable for me, please do them." But lots of women don't know what they'd enjoy. Lots of women are too shy to say what they want when they do know. And plenty more aren't willing to try.

Except she's fine with the sexual situation, he's the one it's not working for as far as we know. If he wants more sex he needs to make some changes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised at how much baggage everyone dumped on this thread. I've been called lots of things before in my life, but never so many as today -- and by people who don't even know me.

I'll refrain from answering all of the harebrained questions. I'll also refrain from answering the good questions because this thread has gotten out of control and needs to die.

But thanks to those of you who gave thoughtful responses. My original post was a vent more than anything else, and wasn't an anonymous announcement of a personal decision I'd made. It was spurred by a thought that entered my head on a bad day. Anonymous forums let you vent like that without the damage that would occur from voicing the same thought for attribution. Those thoughtful responses have brought me back to where I've always been (before my vent this morning): Marriage is forever; as bad as things might be (or seem to be), divorce would be exponentially worse. I thought the most powerful comments were from the adults who talked about what it's like to raise children of divorced grandparents. That really sucks for you and is unfair for your kids. Thanks for sharing.

Aaaannnnnnnddddd, CUT!

"So now I'm prayin' for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive ..."

Good luck making your peace, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced after 26 years of marriage. I was 24 at the time and my brother was 25. They hung on until we graduated college and got established, and then they split up acrimoniously. My dad has a girlfriend who my mom despises (and never fails to tell us so) and my dad is also furious about my mom having a man friend. My brother and I moved on and had our own families, but holidays, kids' birthdays and family get-togethers are very difficult when you have divorced parents who hate each other and won't be in the same room together. My mom made a scene at my daughter's baptism lunch because she didn't want to be in a group family picture with my dad and his girlfriend. I also hate having to divide our time between so many places (my husband's parents are also divorced). My kids are still little, but sometimes I think about their confirmations, high school and college graduations, weddings, etc. and it makes me very sad that my parents are incapable of putting their issues aside to participate in family events under one roof. I suggest that in addition to thinking about how a divorce would affect your kids, think about how it will affect your grandkids.

+1 on this. I married someone with parents who won't be in the same room. Holidays are miserable when we visit his hometown. Can't overstate how frustrating it is to walk on eggshells and have to plan so much (mil will come over at 1pm and leave by 130, tell fil to come over at 145 so they don't have to see each other) so that they are both "comfortable." We don't have kids yet but I am already dreading the thought of 1st bday. I think I will end up putting my foot down and saying that if people don't think they can manage to be in 1 room for a few hours for a bday party, then too bad. I will not subject my children to multiple parties and multiple houses because their grandparents cannot be civil adults in the same room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Right, this is a long term monogamous relationship, which means love is very important. Or should she just lie back and spread her legs and have joyless sex? Is that what you're suggesting?

False dichotomy. Maybe she needs to figure out what she needs in order to make sex an enjoyable priority she recognizes as vital to the survival of the marriage - starting with things she can do herself and, if that doesn't work, asking her husband to try different things that might help. If she's making an effort, and he is unwilling to try to help improve their sex life, then he's a schmuck.

And maybe he needs to figure out how to make sex more enjoyable for her. Theres a reason lesbians report much higher sexual satisfaction than hetero women. Maybe he needs to figure out what he's doing wrong and read up on the female libido and the numerous ways to get it going.

He needs to "figure it out"? The easiest way for him to figure it out is for her to say, "these things would make sex more enjoyable for me, please do them." But lots of women don't know what they'd enjoy. Lots of women are too shy to say what they want when they do know. And plenty more aren't willing to try.

Except she's fine with the sexual situation, he's the one it's not working for as far as we know. If he wants more sex he needs to make some changes

But I doubt she'd be fine with the marital situation if she knew that, because of the sexual situation she's ok with, her marriage was about to collapse. I agree that he needs to make some changes, but, if she's interested in a healthy marriage, she needs to provide some guidance as to what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Holidays suck anyway, even when everyone's "happily" married.