GF went out on ..not sure what to call it...with a random guy..advice sought

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Why didn't she bring op?

I think bringing OP would have been a ridiculous move. She knows this guy through her kid, not her social life. The only reason to bring OP would be if she wanted the two of them to fight or for the guy whose kid is on her kid's sports team to be humiliated and hate her. The way she handled it was remarkably clever - didn't box the guy into a corner where his only option was to feel like a total ass while also making it extremely clear she was not going to be accidentally trapped into going on a date with him by his ploy.

You people are so mad that women know how to handle men that you're essentially saying she's a whore for not forcing OP to handle her business for her. It's interesting because the double bind is apparently not enough - you want a triple bind where a woman can't say yes or no and has to say "help!" so that you can turn around and call her helpless or needy or something.

So you would have been cool with your boyfriend going on a date with another woman to talk about dating?

[Anonymous]

When I was in college I asked a girl I was friends with to the movies and she showed up with her girlfriend. It was a punch to the gut for sure but I got the message loud and clear. I’ll bet the other guy did too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Why didn't she bring op?

I think bringing OP would have been a ridiculous move. She knows this guy through her kid, not her social life. The only reason to bring OP would be if she wanted the two of them to fight or for the guy whose kid is on her kid's sports team to be humiliated and hate her. The way she handled it was remarkably clever - didn't box the guy into a corner where his only option was to feel like a total ass while also making it extremely clear she was not going to be accidentally trapped into going on a date with him by his ploy.

You people are so mad that women know how to handle men that you're essentially saying she's a whore for not forcing OP to handle her business for her. It's interesting because the double bind is apparently not enough - you want a triple bind where a woman can't say yes or no and has to say "help!" so that you can turn around and call her helpless or needy or something.

So you would have been cool with your boyfriend going on a date with another woman to talk about dating?

If I was dating a dad and someone he knew through his kid's activities asked him out on a "this is not a date" pretense and he outmaneuvered her like this, brought a person to turn it into not a date, talked about how happy he was with me, and told me the whole thing I would be fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Why didn't she bring op?

I think bringing OP would have been a ridiculous move. She knows this guy through her kid, not her social life. The only reason to bring OP would be if she wanted the two of them to fight or for the guy whose kid is on her kid's sports team to be humiliated and hate her. The way she handled it was remarkably clever - didn't box the guy into a corner where his only option was to feel like a total ass while also making it extremely clear she was not going to be accidentally trapped into going on a date with him by his ploy.

You people are so mad that women know how to handle men that you're essentially saying she's a whore for not forcing OP to handle her business for her. It's interesting because the double bind is apparently not enough - you want a triple bind where a woman can't say yes or no and has to say "help!" so that you can turn around and call her helpless or needy or something.

Damn, no. The way a woman handles herself, if she doesn't want to go on a date with a guy, is to say no. YOU are making it seem like women are so overcome by the inability to decline a date, that she must orchestrate a "clever" game. No. She doesn't need to ask for help from anyone. She just needs to decline the offer.

Do you play all these clever games every time you want to avoid saying no? That sounds exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Why didn't she bring op?

I think bringing OP would have been a ridiculous move. She knows this guy through her kid, not her social life. The only reason to bring OP would be if she wanted the two of them to fight or for the guy whose kid is on her kid's sports team to be humiliated and hate her. The way she handled it was remarkably clever - didn't box the guy into a corner where his only option was to feel like a total ass while also making it extremely clear she was not going to be accidentally trapped into going on a date with him by his ploy.

You people are so mad that women know how to handle men that you're essentially saying she's a whore for not forcing OP to handle her business for her. It's interesting because the double bind is apparently not enough - you want a triple bind where a woman can't say yes or no and has to say "help!" so that you can turn around and call her helpless or needy or something.

So you would have been cool with your boyfriend going on a date with another woman to talk about dating?

If I was dating a dad and someone he knew through his kid's activities asked him out on a "this is not a date" pretense and he outmaneuvered her like this, brought a person to turn it into not a date, talked about how happy he was with me, and told me the whole thing I would be fine with it.

Wow. Outmaneuvered? But why? Why go through all that when he could just say no thanks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Why didn't she bring op?

I think bringing OP would have been a ridiculous move. She knows this guy through her kid, not her social life. The only reason to bring OP would be if she wanted the two of them to fight or for the guy whose kid is on her kid's sports team to be humiliated and hate her. The way she handled it was remarkably clever - didn't box the guy into a corner where his only option was to feel like a total ass while also making it extremely clear she was not going to be accidentally trapped into going on a date with him by his ploy.

You people are so mad that women know how to handle men that you're essentially saying she's a whore for not forcing OP to handle her business for her. It's interesting because the double bind is apparently not enough - you want a triple bind where a woman can't say yes or no and has to say "help!" so that you can turn around and call her helpless or needy or something.

So you would have been cool with your boyfriend going on a date with another woman to talk about dating?

If I was dating a dad and someone he knew through his kid's activities asked him out on a "this is not a date" pretense and he outmaneuvered her like this, brought a person to turn it into not a date, talked about how happy he was with me, and told me the whole thing I would be fine with it.

Wow. Outmaneuvered? But why? Why go through all that when he could just say no thanks?

He certainly could, which is why "what's if it was opposite day" is a bad premise. But I didn't create the premise. Why women have to tread more lightly with men has been explained by 8 different people, but there are none so blind as them that will not see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Why didn't she bring op?

I think bringing OP would have been a ridiculous move. She knows this guy through her kid, not her social life. The only reason to bring OP would be if she wanted the two of them to fight or for the guy whose kid is on her kid's sports team to be humiliated and hate her. The way she handled it was remarkably clever - didn't box the guy into a corner where his only option was to feel like a total ass while also making it extremely clear she was not going to be accidentally trapped into going on a date with him by his ploy.

You people are so mad that women know how to handle men that you're essentially saying she's a whore for not forcing OP to handle her business for her. It's interesting because the double bind is apparently not enough - you want a triple bind where a woman can't say yes or no and has to say "help!" so that you can turn around and call her helpless or needy or something.

So you would have been cool with your boyfriend going on a date with another woman to talk about dating?

If I was dating a dad and someone he knew through his kid's activities asked him out on a "this is not a date" pretense and he outmaneuvered her like this, brought a person to turn it into not a date, talked about how happy he was with me, and told me the whole thing I would be fine with it.

Wow. Outmaneuvered? But why? Why go through all that when he could just say no thanks?

He certainly could, which is why "what's if it was opposite day" is a bad premise. But I didn't create the premise. Why women have to tread more lightly with men has been explained by 8 different people, but there are none so blind as them that will not see.

Hell no. He's not stalking the op's girlfriend. He simply asked her out.

People, please don't teach your daughters that they need to do this crap instead of kindly saying no.

[Anonymous]

I think bringing OP would have been a ridiculous move. She knows this guy through her kid, not her social life. The only reason to bring OP would be if she wanted the two of them to fight or for the guy whose kid is on her kid's sports team to be humiliated and hate her. The way she handled it was remarkably clever - didn't box the guy into a corner where his only option was to feel like a total ass while also making it extremely clear she was not going to be accidentally trapped into going on a date with him by his ploy.

What is ridiculous is this pretense that meeting the guy was a clever way to let him down easy. Nobody believes that crap. Hopefully the OP isn’t dumb enough to believe it.

You people are so mad that women know how to handle men that you're essentially saying she's a whore for not forcing OP to handle her business for her. It's interesting because the double bind is apparently not enough - you want a triple bind where a woman can't say yes or no and has to say "help!" so that you can turn around and call her helpless or needy or something

Every man knows a woman who isn’t interested “handles” the man by saying no, not by setting up a “clever” non-date.

Nobody’s saying the OP needed to handle her business. She should have handled her own business by saying no to this guy. She is clearly untrustworthy because she didn’t.

[Anonymous]

She told you all about it. I think you are good.

[Anonymous]

Why women have to tread more lightly with men has been explained by 8 different people, but there are none so blind as them that will not see.

Every man has been repeatedly rejected by women - usually clearly and firmly, but sometimes brutally - which is why we don’t believe this bullshit about how the OPs girlfriend was “treading lightly” with the guy. A woman is just not going to meet a guy if she’s not interested. We’re not blind to this explanation, we simply don’t believe it because it’s not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

I agree with the advice to let it go. That is my plan.

What I am now wondering is:

Was I wrong to be uncomfortable about it?

She was a bit miffed at me for being uncomfortable around it. Is that fair?

Again, thanks everyone.

All uncomfortable feelings may be directed at him, not her. He put her in a tough spot and she expertly navigated out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

I agree with the advice to let it go. That is my plan.

What I am now wondering is:

Was I wrong to be uncomfortable about it?

She was a bit miffed at me for being uncomfortable around it. Is that fair?

Again, thanks everyone.

All uncomfortable feelings may be directed at him, not her. He put her in a tough spot and she expertly navigated out of it.

I call BS.

Expertly navigated it?

She could have just said, "heh, I'm in a relationship, I don't think drinks with you is a great idea." OR "Sure, my boyfriend and I are going out Thursday, come meet us."

Expertly navigated her way out of what otherwise seems like a great relationship....or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you would have been cool with your boyfriend going on a date with another woman to talk about dating?

If I was dating a dad and someone he knew through his kid's activities asked him out on a "this is not a date" pretense and he outmaneuvered her like this, brought a person to turn it into not a date, talked about how happy he was with me, and told me the whole thing I would be fine with it.

Wow. Outmaneuvered? But why? Why go through all that when he could just say no thanks?

He certainly could, which is why "what's if it was opposite day" is a bad premise. But I didn't create the premise. Why women have to tread more lightly with men has been explained by 8 different people, but there are none so blind as them that will not see.

This.

NP here. The guy didn’t ask her out on a date, he asked to meet her as a friend and is someone she sees in her social circle for her child versus it being a random person. To be honest, he was the jerk in this scenario because he wasn’t honest that he was asking her on a date, he did zero intel if she was dating before asking her out “as friends”, and didn’t make it easy for her to say no and avoid it being awkward because of the way he asked. In this situation it shifted the burden to your girlfriend to figure out how to let him down easy, scramble to recruit a friend to help all while trying not to cause friction in your relationship. I mean darn, she was just minding her business and trying to watch her kid participate in the activity. Bringing a friend to the outing was the best way to “tell him that you aren’t interested without telling him that you aren’t interested” and then she explicit told him that she is in a happy relationship to bring the point home.

Bottom line is she made sure to not put herself in a questionable situation of being alone with him or hiding anything from you and you want to be a Monday night quarterback on what she should have done differently. If you were in a situation where you had to reject someone that had some sort of power to make your life very difficult who didn’t directly ask you out, and at no point did you meet that person one on one or hide the information from your significant other and you set the person straight on your relationship status, I don’t think you would appreciate your SO faulting you and saying you did it all wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Exactly. If she just avoided it, he most likely would keep pushing "as a friend, you can't be mad at that, I'm just asking for advice."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women spend their whole lives figuring out how to gently let men down without making it awkward (or even deadly). Men can be really nasty if you don't, and she has a relationship to maintain here for her daughter's sake.

+1

If that guy doesn't figure out that she's not interested, he's a moron. She took his statements at face value (he wanted her advice on dating) as a way to let him down easy.

Taking him at face value is how she lets him save face. It was "just as a friend." "Just for advice," so no reason not to bring along someone else, right? And she talks about you and how happy she is, but now he can pretend it was just "as a friend" and he "got his advice" from the happily partnered and gregarious woman who is, after all, "just a friend." Obviously.

This is how women have to play the game. This means he doesn't have to swallow the feeling of being rejected which, often, would be acted out on her instead of being swallowed and dealt with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

I agree with the advice to let it go. That is my plan.

What I am now wondering is:

Was I wrong to be uncomfortable about it?

She was a bit miffed at me for being uncomfortable around it. Is that fair?

Again, thanks everyone.

Nah, man, you’re wrong. She was interviewing your potential replacement. Have some self respect and dump her. Ignore all the DCUM women who say you should be ok with that type of behavior. Hard Next the woman who does not respect you and who is clearly in monkey branch mode.

^I agree with this.
It’s not like there aren’t a ton of other single women out there FFS.