GF went out on ..not sure what to call it...with a random guy..advice sought
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Anonymous
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I've been dating a woman for just under two years.
We are both divorced. She is the gregarious, fun, vibrant type. Generally speaking we have a good relationship...really good. I think she is the one for me and vice versa. Preface: my gf has gone out with friends, work friends, girl friends, for drinks, trips, and so on. And, none of that has bothered me. I know at conferences she is one of a couple of women in a sea of men away from their wives. I trust her to handle herself. Doesn't phase me. But this--whatever this is--feels different and not happy. See below: A couple of weeks ago a guy she met at a Middle School sports event for her daughter called and basically asked her out. He got her information from the team parent list. She said yes to going out with him and said she would bring a girlfriend of hers, who is also single, along. (He had no idea she was bringing a friend when he asked her out.) The guy is divorcing. He has been clear he wants to date--he is dating. In asking, he said he wanted to talk to her about the whole dating thing. He said he is new to dating and wants her advice. That was the reason he gave for asking her out. (Maybe true, but to me this rings like a pretense, just saying.) The three of them went out last week for drinks and dinner. After I asked my gf if she thought he really just wanted advice or was he interested in her. She said, "I think there is some interest there." In my view, her saying he shows interest is likely soft pedaling it. Which I get. She said she was clear with him at dinner that she was happily in a relationship. In the end, this bugs me on a number of levels: This isn't a guy friend or a work colleague or even an old boyfriend. This is just a random guy who called her up for a date--to which she added a wing-girl. He didn't ask her (them) out for coffee to talk. He asked her (them) out for dinner and drinks. That feels like a date not a let's get coffee, I want your advice. He didn't ask her advice over the phone--he wanted to go out. There was no real reason for going--my gf said that because the girls are on the same team, she felt obliged to say yes. I didn't ask her not to go, or anything. I didn't make a big deal of it. A day or two after this, I told her the situation made me uneasy. She said she understood that. (She, herself, has some jealous moments.) But her main Her response was this was nothing new, she gets hit on all the time and she deals with it. I don't doubt that, but this feels different than a guy at a conference flirting her up. She can't stop guys from hitting on her, but she could have declined what feels to me like a date. I hate that this makes me feel unhappy, but it just does. I would appreciate any thoughts... Thanks |
Anonymous
| Women spend their whole lives figuring out how to gently let men down without making it awkward (or even deadly). Men can be really nasty if you don't, and she has a relationship to maintain here for her daughter's sake. |
Anonymous
| You need to get over it and assume it was a one and done. She smartly brought a wing girl along with her which is a sign that she was concerned he might just want to hit on her. When I was single but in a relationship with my now DH I was hit on a lot, especially at conferences, and it was something I just had to deal with. I would often tell my now DH about it and he would just say that 50% of men are pigs. Even when I got married and wore a ring it didn’t stop guys. |
Anonymous
| I kind of understand where she is coming from, and she was upfront with the guy about happily being in a relationship. I would just make sure she knows that you think she's the one for you. Maybe she is starting to wonder where your relationship is going? |
Anonymous
| Either you trust her or you don't. She brought a friend along, which makes it pretty clear to anyone with half a brain that she didn't consider it a date. And she told the guy she was happily paired up. You didn't say anything at the time; now you're stewing about it, which is unhealthy. Obviously, if the guy asks her out again, you could have a conversation about that. But unless and until that happens, you need to get over it. |
Anonymous
| I would let it go, but if she went out with him again...you know something is up. |
Anonymous
| She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality. |
Anonymous
| My first thought was that maybe she was hoping he and her girlfriend would hit it off and become an item, so in effect she was the friend’s wingman. But whatever the situation, she was open and honest with you, and I would advise you to tread lightly. I’m guessing she has the sense that you didn’t love it. Leave it there and see how she acts going forward. |
Anonymous
+1 If that guy doesn't figure out that she's not interested, he's a moron. She took his statements at face value (he wanted her advice on dating) as a way to let him down easy. |
Anonymous
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OP
I agree with the advice to let it go. That is my plan. What I am now wondering is: Was I wrong to be uncomfortable about it? She was a bit miffed at me for being uncomfortable around it. Is that fair? Again, thanks everyone. |
Anonymous
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OP
And, am I wrong that this was his attempt to ask her out on a date? |
Anonymous
She's demonstrated that she's not your girlfriend. Actions speak louder than words. Demote her to FWB while you look for someone who wants to be your gf. |
Anonymous
Woman here, and no, you were not wrong to feel uncomfortable about it. I am the PP that said to let it go, unless it happens again. I wouldn't be happy in that situation but I do think by her bringing and friend and being honest with you, her intentions were fine. If it was my husband? I would probably nix it before he went, so there's that! |
Anonymous
I posted that women spend their whole lives trying to manage men's feelings while letting them down. Sounds like, instead of trying to figure out how SHE feels and understate nd why she did what she did, you're focused entirely on how you feel and what you want her to do to manage your feelings too. Do you get it yet? |
Anonymous
| Everyone has different boundaries. She wouldn't be my girlfriend anymore at this point. But that's me. |