GF went out on ..not sure what to call it...with a random guy..advice sought

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

This.

Unless you are there to physically protect her every moment of the day OP, you can't police how she tries to gently let down guys. I would have actually invited you along instead of the girlfriend, but that's me.

If you two don't want to get married for whatever reasons you have, have you thought about giving her a nice ring to wear on her left hand? Would she like one? It's a universal signal for "not available." She could even pick on out that doesn't have engagement ring vibes.

I used to wear one all the time when I was single and working with the public. Sometimes random guys who you've never met before get really angry when you don't want to go out with them after work.

Not his job to protect her.

Exactly. So she needs to handle things how she needs to handle things.

Again, I would have taken my boyfriend (OP) along as my friend, not sure why she didn't do that. If it happens again, I would offer to go with her if I was him.

[Anonymous]

This was inappropriate. She should have said no. Also lol at the "its just so hard for women to navigate relationships we need to go out on random not-dates all the time."

I wouldn't dump because she brought the friend but she should recognize this was not cool. If she was really uncomfortable saying no she should have brought YOU. Then he would get the message fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

This.

Unless you are there to physically protect her every moment of the day OP, you can't police how she tries to gently let down guys. I would have actually invited you along instead of the girlfriend, but that's me.

If you two don't want to get married for whatever reasons you have, have you thought about giving her a nice ring to wear on her left hand? Would she like one? It's a universal signal for "not available." She could even pick on out that doesn't have engagement ring vibes.

I used to wear one all the time when I was single and working with the public. Sometimes random guys who you've never met before get really angry when you don't want to go out with them after work.

Ew, hell, no. I’m not wearing some dude’s ring unless he’s committed to me.

hmm, I wonder if this could be part of the problem OP?
Why aren't you two committed? Do neither of you want to marry due to the kids from other marriages?

I wore a ring I bought myself voluntarily, because I just want to eliminate as much attention as possible. Doesn't work as well here as other places, but still.

[Anonymous]

Why weren’t you invited? Why didn’t she had this off before it happened? She could’ve told him upfront she was in a relationship before she even went. I’d be pissed. Possibly dump her. It was Clearly intended to be a date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

This is total garbage. A woman who is not attracted to you will not give a shit about your feewings when she rejects you, let alone go on a “not a date” with you. You’ll get the big nope, go away, talk to the hand. Every guy has been there. No woman has time to go on “not dates” with every guy who asks her out just to make sure he doesn’t get all obnoxious about his rejection.

The fact is, she went on this date because she WAS attracted to this guy, and was investigating to see whether she wanted to date this guy instead of the OP. She’s trying to maintain plausible deniability about it being a date so she doesn’t lose her current boyfriend while she test-drives a possible new boyfriend. The OP is a fool if he puts up with this. Trust your feelings, man. Your gut is telling you she can’t be trusted, and your gut is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

I agree with the advice to let it go. That is my plan.

What I am now wondering is:

Was I wrong to be uncomfortable about it?

She was a bit miffed at me for being uncomfortable around it. Is that fair?

Again, thanks everyone.

Nah, man, you’re wrong. She was interviewing your potential replacement. Have some self respect and dump her. Ignore all the DCUM women who say you should be ok with that type of behavior. Hard Next the woman who does not respect you and who is clearly in monkey branch mode.

It’s not like there aren’t a ton of other single women out there FFS.

What on earth. This is a great way to never get married or trust any woman, particularly an attractive woman.

[A man should NOT trust, and certainly should not marry, a woman who goes on dates with other men while she is supposedly dating you.]

I'm an outgoing, warm woman who is asked out a lot.

Great, but if you say yes then your current boyfriend should break it off with you.]

Your girlfriend did very sane things -- she took this person at his word (that he wanted advice from her), she brought a friend, she mentioned her happy relationship. This is a person she will have to interact with in the future... she doesn't want to create a hostile dynamic with him (men often turn hostile when they feel overtly rejected.)

She created a dynamic where they can all walk away with dignity, and this guy, if he is not a complete idiot, knows she isn't interested.

[What a load of nonsense. She didn’t have to go on a date with this guy to preserve his supposed dignity. I don’t believe for a minute that YOU go on dates with every guy who asks you out just to preserve his dignity. She sent a clear signal to this guy that she IS interested - or she wouldn’t have gone on a date with him.]

[Anonymous]

I think she is sort of “testing the waters” with this guy, to see if maybe she can do better than OP.

Her excuses about their kids being on the same team is just cover for her exploring the possibilities with this new guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Why didn't she bring op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Why didn't she bring op?

She did not bring OP because she wants to keep open the possibility of dating the new man and dumping OP. Or dating both at the same time so she can decide later between the two.

She is not dumb. And, she is not married so she’s free to do what she likes (and who she likes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got asked out on a date that he tried to frame as "not a date" (just wants advice!) and turned it into not-a-date for real (bringing a girlfriend, talking about her boyfriend). I think that your discomfort makes sense but also that you might not understand, as a guy, the layers women have to navigate to keep guys from feeling rejected when you reject them. Their kids are on a team together so she has to see him in the future and if he gets his feelings hurt he could make it extremely uncomfortable. He could badmouth her to other parents, harass her when he sees her, stalk her, get violent, none of it is out of the realm of reality.

Why didn't she bring op?

I think bringing OP would have been a ridiculous move. She knows this guy through her kid, not her social life. The only reason to bring OP would be if she wanted the two of them to fight or for the guy whose kid is on her kid's sports team to be humiliated and hate her. The way she handled it was remarkably clever - didn't box the guy into a corner where his only option was to feel like a total ass while also making it extremely clear she was not going to be accidentally trapped into going on a date with him by his ploy.

You people are so mad that women know how to handle men that you're essentially saying she's a whore for not forcing OP to handle her business for her. It's interesting because the double bind is apparently not enough - you want a triple bind where a woman can't say yes or no and has to say "help!" so that you can turn around and call her helpless or needy or something.

[Anonymous]

I bet she did offer to bring OP who refused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet she did offer to bring OP who refused.

OP

I wasn't invited. I would have gone.

[Anonymous]

The people defending the girlfriend's behavior are laughable. Why couldn't the girlfriend just say the following from the very beginning on the phone "look I'm in a relationship so this won't work, but you could join a larger social gathering that's happening at xyz location and I can introduce you to some friends." There is really no excuse for her to go through all of that effort to meet with him. She already has limited time as a divorced mom anyway. Are people really going on "no dates" all the time with people so the guy doesn't get angry? Give me a break. She was either interested or is a flirt who likes the attention. Trust me, people who are really in love with each other or dating seriously don't play these types of games. They simply wouldn't put themselves in a situation that would make the other person uncomfortable. She is just not the one. Be glad you figured this one out now because I'm sure there would have been other boundary testing behaviors in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was inappropriate. She should have said no. Also lol at the "its just so hard for women to navigate relationships we need to go out on random not-dates all the time."

I wouldn't dump because she brought the friend but she should recognize this was not cool. If she was really uncomfortable saying no she should have brought YOU. Then he would get the message fine.

So I have to ask ….did she really bring her girlfriend or just say she did. I am sure her girlfriend will say whatever to cover for her.

[Anonymous]

OP is not the man for this lady. She should dump him.

OP looks like a beta man who wants an alpha female. Hope she reads this thread and dump his sorry buh