GF went out on ..not sure what to call it...with a random guy..advice sought

[Anonymous]

OP, she's not your wife so I think there's some gray area there. Maybe she was subtly checking the dude out; so what? You're not married, so presumably you both aren't 100 percent confident that you are going to be together for life.

[Anonymous]

Look, OP, if you don't trust your girlfiend, break up with her.

I personally think the way she handled it was smart and should make things clear. But if this isn't to your taste OWN IT and break up. She did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, OP, if you don't trust your girlfiend, break up with her.

I personally think the way she handled it was smart and should make things clear. But if this isn't to your taste OWN IT and break up. She did nothing wrong.

Agree.

OPs girlfriend sounds like she could do better anyhow.

[Anonymous]

I'ma guy and wondering something related but different:

If I'm dating a woman and she does something that makes me feel uncomfortable:

Am I not supposed to say anything about it. Just lie about my feelings?

If I say, heh, I'm not mad at you for doing X, but I wasn't really great with it. If I say that, is that alone being controlling and jealous?

In other words, if a guy has any feelings at all for you and any feelings about something that happens, he's a jerk, controlling, over jealous?

In other words, a woman in a relationship can do whatever she likes and a guy can't say anything at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just maybe this was an innocent occurrence and the girlfriend only invited the friend to appease the boyfriend because she knew how he would be otherwise. However jokes on her because he's still upset even though she took steps to make this situation okay.

He really just needs to break up with her because to be honest he's just going to find another reason to be upset with her a short time from now. Nothing she ever will do will be good enough for him and he will never trust her despite her having given him no reason not to

People that are committed to each other don’t carry on inappropriate relationships with others - accepting a date from a man who is divorcing whom is clearly dating according to OP and sought her out under false pretenses of friendship or advice is in appropriate. She also didn’t tell him she was bringing a friend. She played into the guy and created this mess. Agree with other posters saying she is looking, and got, plausible deniability. She got what she wanted.

[Anonymous]

here's a new take:

this is your girlfriend. you have not asked her to marry you. what if she meets someone she likes more than you and is more compatible with? why should she not pursue that?

if you want commitment, propose.

[Anonymous]

12 pages that basically just show these two need to break up. We can agree to disagree about the reasons why but it's obvious these two are not a good fit,............

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:here's a new take:

this is your girlfriend. you have not asked her to marry you. what if she meets someone she likes more than you and is more compatible with? why should she not pursue that?

if you want commitment, propose.

OP

We've held back because of kids and not wanting to totally upset her kids..her divorce is fresher.

I'm pretty sure my kids would be cool with it, but they have had more time.

I've told her I want to be with her forever.

That said, we are looking at buying a home together, etc. once the kids are out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So when I am talking to a guy at my kids school and he asks if i would mind a playdate (this has happenend many times), I should assume he wants to sleep with me and decline?
Before you all ask, YES i have had playdates with a MAN and his child and GASP.................nothing romantic happened. One was even a single dad and spent the entire time talking about home renovations.

That's great, I agree. Men and women can be friends without the guy having ulterior motives, without the guy lying about meeting. And, in most cases there is no need to say no, decline. I'm a woman and I don't instinctively feel the need to say no to every invitation.

But that's not what happened here.

The GF obviously knew this guy was up so something. She invited a friend along because she knew why he was asking her out.

The Guy didn't ask her to a play date with the kids. Guy asked her...just her... to dinner and drinks. And, yes, men and women can go out as friends to dinner and drinks. But, again, that isn't this...look at the facts.

The guy didn't invite a bunch of people (moms) for a playdate or whatever. He invited the GF. She added her wing-girl.

(When she didn't that the guy couldn't back out. To obvious. And, the guy is a p*ssy--if he wanted to ask her out he should've gotten some sack and asked her out honestly. He put her in a bad position not OP. I wouldn't go out with the guy; I would be pissed at him for setting me up.)

The guy didn't invite her to talk about home renovations or problems at school. Guy asked her out to talk about dating. Which is akin to saying: "Heh, I'd like to learn what it takes to date you, so can we go out so you can tell me how to steer you away from your bf."

In fact, the guy used the fact that their daughters play together to leverage the GF into feeling like she should go. That is pretty shitty if you ask me.

I get that women deal with all this all the time (I'm a woman and I get more than my share of attention). But, I have found if I let myself be put in these sorts of situations, I'm not doing myself any favors. I'm a stronger man than that.

Which makes me wonder....yes, I like having friends to, but am I so desperate for friends that I will go out with a guy who is asking me out under false pretenses? Sounds to me like she is pretty needy and needs the attention.

If the GF had to go through all of this to feel OK abut going out with this guy, odds are she probably wold have been better served in saying something like--"yes, why don't you meet my bf and I . . ." That way if the guy wanted advice, the guy could easily say yes to that.

Yes, I have friends who at one point were interested in me. They are now married to other women and we all hang out. But, that isn't this situation. This isn't going out with a friend. This is going out with a random guy--a guy who made the GF feel like she had to bring a friend to avoid something bad.

We should all stop creating alternative facts...you can change what happened and make all this different. Different circumstances are different.

I have a guy friend, I've known him for 15 years. We went out on a single date once--and we weren't for each other. He is married, happy, kids, etc. I go out with him. My husband is cool with it. My husband has met him. They've hung a bit. We've hung out as couples..us and them.

That's not what happened here.

I bet that my husband who is fine with me going out with all sorts of friends (men even lol), would not have liked this situation.

Plus, we keep inflating the OP's reaction. It doesn't sound like he jumped all over her for it. All he did was ask, heh, are my concerns legit.

Frankly, as a woman, I say yes, they are. This whole deal feels way off.

Nailed it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:here's a new take:

this is your girlfriend. you have not asked her to marry you. what if she meets someone she likes more than you and is more compatible with? why should she not pursue that?

if you want commitment, propose.

OP

We've held back because of kids and not wanting to totally upset her kids..her divorce is fresher.

I'm pretty sure my kids would be cool with it, but they have had more time.

I've told her I want to be with her forever.

That said, we are looking at buying a home together, etc. once the kids are out.

So fresh she’s dating other people in front of you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:here's a new take:

this is your girlfriend. you have not asked her to marry you. what if she meets someone she likes more than you and is more compatible with? why should she not pursue that?

if you want commitment, propose.

OP

We've held back because of kids and not wanting to totally upset her kids..her divorce is fresher.

I'm pretty sure my kids would be cool with it, but they have had more time.

I've told her I want to be with her forever.

That said, we are looking at buying a home together, etc. once the kids are out.

So fresh she’s dating other people in front of you

/thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:here's a new take:

this is your girlfriend. you have not asked her to marry you. what if she meets someone she likes more than you and is more compatible with? why should she not pursue that?

if you want commitment, propose.

OP

We've held back because of kids and not wanting to totally upset her kids..her divorce is fresher.

I'm pretty sure my kids would be cool with it, but they have had more time.

I've told her I want to be with her forever.

That said, we are looking at buying a home together, etc. once the kids are out.

So fresh she’s dating other people in front of you

OP you have to pump the brakes here. Look at your response to someone who said your girlfriend thinks nothing of your relationship and has met someone she likes better and is more compatible with. The answer is not let’s buy a house together. She is just out of a divorce? Maybe she is just having fun and playing the field. You two are not on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've gone to dinner with men that are NOT my DH. He knows. He is cool with friends.
Was it a 5 star $200 a plate dinner? NO.
Did i get flowers, did they pick me up, walk me home, etc? Nope.
Because people can have dinner/drinks as friends.

I am going out in a week with a male friend for dinner adn drinks. It is literally NO BIG DEAL.
People who aren't cheaters won't cheat. Period.

How does this relate to this thread? What you described did not happen. She is not friends with this man. It is some random dude asking her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:here's a new take:

this is your girlfriend. you have not asked her to marry you. what if she meets someone she likes more than you and is more compatible with? why should she not pursue that?

if you want commitment, propose.

OP

We've held back because of kids and not wanting to totally upset her kids..her divorce is fresher.

I'm pretty sure my kids would be cool with it, but they have had more time.

I've told her I want to be with her forever.

That said, we are looking at buying a home together, etc. once the kids are out.

So fresh she’s dating other people in front of you

OP... don't do this... it won't be good for you.

I dunno how fresh your divorce is. Was she your first post-divorce girlfriend? Wifing up the first woman who is nice to you after a divorce is a classic rookie mistake. Break it off and date more women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She said yes to going out with him

She's demonstrated that she's not your girlfriend. Actions speak louder than words. Demote her to FWB while you look for someone who wants to be your gf.

New poster. This, above.

I'm not going to take time read 12 pages of posts. OP, get a grip. She brought her friend just as cover for what was a date. This let your GF check the guy out while she could claim, but my friend was there! The guy didn't know she was bringing a friend (you say so in your OP). She did the friend thing to cover it with YOU and make it look OK.

If she were an actual friend of this guy and he were getting divorced and wanted to talk about how to date, with his good female friend whom he knows has a boyfriend (you) --- that would be totally different, and fine. But that is not the situation at all. He was asking her, basically a stranger asking another stranger, for advice on dating? Get real. He was using the good old "poor me, I'm gonna be so lonely soon, can you advise me?" sad sack act to land a date.

The fact she defends this all by pointing out to you that she gets hit on all the time would be a big red flag, to me. She seems...very confident, to say the least. Confident women are great. Women who pretend they believe that a random freshly divorcing dad is not hitting on them but just wants warm, fuzzy advice? They're claiming to be someone's GF while always on the lookout for someone else to come along.

Oh, and "girlfriend/boyfriend" is supposed to mean commitment, right? If she's doing this stuff and telling you how she's so hot she's always being hit on -- that doesn't sound like a loving, committed relationship.