Delaying a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would file for divorce and ask for 1/2 the family business or life long alimony, child support and 1/2 of all real-estate and assets. Don't wait till you find a job. You own half that business. You worked in that business so that was your job.

And, make a custody schedule where he is responsible 50% of the time. Stop playing nice.

What are you waiting for?

If I file for a divorce and split it like that, I would be moving out from the large house we currently all live in (my ex will retain it, and I will retain smaller one as I can't afford the large one), into a much smaller townhouse or even an apartment. I will live on 120K net annual income (down from 440K current net income). I won't be getting much alimony or child support because of the assets that I would be getting in the divorce, and because I married my jerk very young and I am in my early 40s. I feel like he would increase his lifestyle and net income divorcing by 72% and my standard of living will go down significantly. I don't want that to happen, until I am able to "make up" at least some of that lost income.

Plus, I don't want to split the custody 50/50 - my child is in high school and I want to have 100% time with him the last years before I send him off to college....

I don't plan to date, re-marry, I hate men and just want to grow my child until college in the house where he was born.

I have a good lawyer. He thinks it is beneficial for me to delay, as all marital assets (including the jerk pension) are appreciating, the longer we are married.

He had a 5-year long affair, with mental and financial infidelity.

&)

You’re missing the point.

You can ask for whatever you want. If you want to stay in the house and have him cover the mortgage until it’s paid off, you can say “Okay, I’ll give you a divorce today if you pay me X% of business income for the next 10 years and cover the mortgage on the house. I want full custody of DC with child support and I want his college funded and a trust created for him” Ask for whatever you want. It doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but your husband seems eager to move on, and you can take advantage of that to get him to agree to a split that would make YOU feel happy granting a divorce. If he disagrees you get the satisfaction of saying to everyone “sigh. I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult.”

Men do this all the time. Up your game OP. And get a better lawyer.

I already tried to offer all the points you mentioned (education trust, pay for a mortgage of a new home for me and my son, share future business income etc) - he's greedy and refused on all points. Negotiations were conducted by a very reputable DC lawyer. So I am at the stage " I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult"

OP, you are being absurd. You got screwed with the cheating but grow up, get divorced and move on. You have $120K income a year plus child support. You are not entitled for him to pay for a mortgage and other things. If he started the business during marriage, you are probably entitled to half depending on how it is set up. You are also entitled to any equity in the house post marriage. You dragging out divorce makes no sense. Its his house. Move out and take your child. In the divorce have him pay for 1/2 college outside of college savings. If he owns the house, he shouldn't be moving out, you should. He is better off taking this to trial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is his old ho divorced? Does she have kids of her own?

His old ho is still married! She has 2 grown up kids in college. They plan both get divorces and "unite" for a happy retirement abroad.

DOES HER HUSBAND EVEN KNOW?!?!!!

IF not--you need to call that man immediately.

This is type of a recommendation that I won't be following. Her husband is not my concern and I don't want to be presented like a crazy stalker in the family court. I don' care about her husband. Or even my own husband. Who cares about those dicks.

And, if you are in Virginia, her husband can use her cheating to screw her out of a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I also concerned that as soon as we divorce, my ex would remarry, and brings the whore to live in my marital home. My son says he won’t even go see his dad or stay there any overnights, if that happens. The son doesn’t want to be bouncing between 2 households. He enters 10th grade in the fall- very intense program, then all the college prep would fall on me, while I am starting a new job. At the moment my husband and I are splitting HW duties , and I have more time for myself. So in a way, delaying is also helping me to delegate many parenting duties dealing with autistic teen in high school. I don’t want my son to be a college dropout, just because dad remarried and had no time for him in high school.

He owned the house before you. This is not your marital house. Your son may not want to to bounce between two houses but that's reality. You are all full of excuses and are a huge part of the problem. If you want to take away your son's dad from him, fine. But, don't expect Dad to cooperate if you are taking his child away. You are making mixed messages as initially you stated Dad doesn't help and you do everything. This post is saying differently. You also first said you had no job but then posted about 120K in income. So, either this is fake or you are off your rocker. Move out, file for divorce. Split everything appropriately. And, act like a mature adult for your child's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your son is 15 there is no way you will be able to drag this out until he graduates college. While most people do come to an agreement regarding division of assets, etc. for a lot of very good reasons (costs of trial, etc.) he still can pursue a trial and force the issue. You're not going to be able to push off a trial for three years.

I didn't mean college. I meant High School.

PP here and I meant to type high school, my mistake. The trial process could be as long as a year, it just depends on what you guys disagree about. The assets/financial stuff is relatively straightforward and should be readily ascertainable from bank statements and tax records. Also, by the way, there's no guarantee a judge won't order both of you to vacate the marital home and put it up for sale prior to the dissolution of the marriage or he might very well award possession of the marital home to your husband with the equity to ultimately be divided out of the other marital assets. The custody end of things can get complicated but your son is 15 so he will probably get a voice in the ultimate outcome...assuming your husband is even pursuing custody at all.

The person to ask these questions of is your lawyer though, what he says is going to be much more important than what anyone here says since he is intimately involved with the facts and circumstances of your case.

Its not her home. She said its in his name so at best she might be eligible for some of the equity during the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would file for divorce and ask for 1/2 the family business or life long alimony, child support and 1/2 of all real-estate and assets. Don't wait till you find a job. You own half that business. You worked in that business so that was your job.

And, make a custody schedule where he is responsible 50% of the time. Stop playing nice.

What are you waiting for?

If I file for a divorce and split it like that, I would be moving out from the large house we currently all live in (my ex will retain it, and I will retain smaller one as I can't afford the large one), into a much smaller townhouse or even an apartment. I will live on 120K net annual income (down from 440K current net income). I won't be getting much alimony or child support because of the assets that I would be getting in the divorce, and because I married my jerk very young and I am in my early 40s. I feel like he would increase his lifestyle and net income divorcing by 72% and my standard of living will go down significantly. I don't want that to happen, until I am able to "make up" at least some of that lost income.

Plus, I don't want to split the custody 50/50 - my child is in high school and I want to have 100% time with him the last years before I send him off to college....

I don't plan to date, re-marry, I hate men and just want to grow my child until college in the house where he was born.

I have a good lawyer. He thinks it is beneficial for me to delay, as all marital assets (including the jerk pension) are appreciating, the longer we are married.

He had a 5-year long affair, with mental and financial infidelity.

&)

You’re missing the point.

You can ask for whatever you want. If you want to stay in the house and have him cover the mortgage until it’s paid off, you can say “Okay, I’ll give you a divorce today if you pay me X% of business income for the next 10 years and cover the mortgage on the house. I want full custody of DC with child support and I want his college funded and a trust created for him” Ask for whatever you want. It doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but your husband seems eager to move on, and you can take advantage of that to get him to agree to a split that would make YOU feel happy granting a divorce. If he disagrees you get the satisfaction of saying to everyone “sigh. I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult.”

Men do this all the time. Up your game OP. And get a better lawyer.

I already tried to offer all the points you mentioned (education trust, pay for a mortgage of a new home for me and my son, share future business income etc) - he's greedy and refused on all points. Negotiations were conducted by a very reputable DC lawyer. So I am at the stage " I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult"

OP, you are being absurd. You got screwed with the cheating but grow up, get divorced and move on. You have $120K income a year plus child support. You are not entitled for him to pay for a mortgage and other things. If he started the business during marriage, you are probably entitled to half depending on how it is set up. You are also entitled to any equity in the house post marriage. You dragging out divorce makes no sense. Its his house. Move out and take your child. In the divorce have him pay for 1/2 college outside of college savings. If he owns the house, he shouldn't be moving out, you should. He is better off taking this to trial.

No judge will order college costs. It just isn't done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex left over the summer. My 2 kids live with me and I make 85k. I don’t get anything from him except he pays the mortgage on the house me and the kids live in. He cheated on me for years and is still with the woman. My peace of mind with him being out of this house is worth more than any amount of money.

But you stayed in your house for which he pays mortgage, right? Your kids were not uprooted with him moving out? My life will have to change, and my son would be splitting time and possibly living in his birthplace home with his whore

Yes, that’s right. My kids are older like your son so the uprooting thing didn’t bother me as much, I was willing to leave the house with my kids but this is the arrangement we worked out. I know it’s tough, and I’m sorry. I just needed him away from me ASAP, I borderline hate him. He also moved into our basement prior to leaving but even with that I was struggling. I worry about him introducing my kids to the other women too. I hate her. But I mostly have let it go, my kids are older and I have zero control over it. Good luck to you.

If he didn't cheat with that woman, he would have cheated with someone else. He cheated on you. Blame him, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is his old ho divorced? Does she have kids of her own?

His old ho is still married! She has 2 grown up kids in college. They plan both get divorces and "unite" for a happy retirement abroad.

DOES HER HUSBAND EVEN KNOW?!?!!!

IF not--you need to call that man immediately.

This is type of a recommendation that I won't be following. Her husband is not my concern and I don't want to be presented like a crazy stalker in the family court. I don' care about her husband. Or even my own husband. Who cares about those dicks.

And, if you are in Virginia, her husband can use her cheating to screw her out of a lot of money.

+1,000

Alimony can be denied in Maryland too

[Anonymous]

Dragging things out in divorce is such a petty behavior. Whether you were wronged or right. It is a controlling holding pattern and abusive. I’d want to be free of it as soon as possible, but different strokes for different folks, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex left over the summer. My 2 kids live with me and I make 85k. I don’t get anything from him except he pays the mortgage on the house me and the kids live in. He cheated on me for years and is still with the woman. My peace of mind with him being out of this house is worth more than any amount of money.

But you stayed in your house for which he pays mortgage, right? Your kids were not uprooted with him moving out? My life will have to change, and my son would be splitting time and possibly living in his birthplace home with his whore

Yes, that’s right. My kids are older like your son so the uprooting thing didn’t bother me as much, I was willing to leave the house with my kids but this is the arrangement we worked out. I know it’s tough, and I’m sorry. I just needed him away from me ASAP, I borderline hate him. He also moved into our basement prior to leaving but even with that I was struggling. I worry about him introducing my kids to the other women too. I hate her. But I mostly have let it go, my kids are older and I have zero control over it. Good luck to you.

If he didn't cheat with that woman, he would have cheated with someone else. He cheated on you. Blame him, not her.

That's a whore's excuse. She came into OP's playground knowing full well he had a wife and child..and behind her own husband's back too.

Blow that beatch's world up.

The only thing true about that idiotic statement ist: She means nothing other than a different warm hole. She is nothing special. She can be substituted with any other warm hole. Women that use that stupid line when referring to themselves don't even seen the irony in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dragging things out in divorce is such a petty behavior. Whether you were wronged or right. It is a controlling holding pattern and abusive. I’d want to be free of it as soon as possible, but different strokes for different folks, I guess.

I'd argue the controlling and abusive behavior was the years of cheating, gaslighting and emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for understanding that 120k standard of living and 440 combined standard of living is totally different. His child support won’t “make up” the difference for me. I had a good corporate job before “mommy tracking” to a smaller family business. While I managed our business successfully (in some years making way more than my husband on real estate), he was climbing up the corporate ladder. His mistress is his subordinate and a business partner - she’s making way more than me. I feel like he used me for childbearing and home making in my prime years, then screwed me just before his own retirement (he’s in mid 50s), to depart for even wealthier pastures.
My retirement plans were build around my family!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. When I practiced family law and before that worked for a long established family law attorney, I saw this happen so many times. It’s so cruel and selfish and sadly, too many times the men who do this are teaching their sons to have the same attitude toward commitment and family.

I’ve never been married and I often feel regrets about that, but stories like yours remind me that the great majority of marriages aren’t healthy, no matter how they appear on the surface - or even how they might appear to some of the committed spouses in them. So many women end up alone in midlife and beyond through no fault of their own.

If you trust your lawyer, follow your lawyer’s advice. Try to set aside your very justified anger about the other woman, at least in terms of how it affects your son. Sadly she is going to be part of his life now whether he lives with her part time until he goes off to college, or chooses to live full time with you (he’s old enough that the court will likely order whatever his preference is) and just visits there. Try as hard as you possibly can to rise above your husband’s horrible example and to keep your son out of the acrimony. He will form his own opinions of their behavior and the older he gets, the wiser those opinions will become. But it’s very important that he not be made a pawn in the hostility between you and soon to be exDH. If you act with the greater integrity the rewards in the long term with your son will be certain. It will also ultimately be better for your own mental health to practice this approach. YOU did the right things. YOU are not at fault here. There is nothing to be gained by fostering anger and acrimony over your husband’s egregious moral failings. Hold your head up high and get on with your life. It’s a Plan B for sure, but given what you now know about your husband’s character, you deserve the freedom to forge a more authentic life.

+💯 to all, but esp. the bolded. I’m sorry this is happening — you can’t rush grief, but don’t delay it either. Also remember he is not the only source and supply of resources. You never know what is around the turn ahead, or why. It may be something better than you could have imagined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dragging things out in divorce is such a petty behavior. Whether you were wronged or right. It is a controlling holding pattern and abusive. I’d want to be free of it as soon as possible, but different strokes for different folks, I guess.

I'd argue the controlling and abusive behavior was the years of cheating, gaslighting and emotional abuse.

I’d agree with you. But you only put yourself on their level if you can’t raise yourself up by your bootstraps and step out of the ring. It sucks and it is unfair but it is 100% the only path to your personal peace. At some point you have to do it. He isn’t worth your feelings, your time typing, your agonizing, your sadness. That is a hard process to embrace. Best to start trying now. It’s not like he is ever going to do the right thing. What he did is disgusting, you want the universe to serve him what he sowed (betrayal, exploitation), move out of the way so you can be served with the bounty of what you speed that he doesn’t deserve (loyalty, integrity, good fortune).

It sucks to be with someone 25yrs but to move to the next chapter you have to close this door. I know it isn’t easy. It’s hard AF. I’ve been through it. Keeping things in a holding pattern hurts OP more than the man without a conscious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex left over the summer. My 2 kids live with me and I make 85k. I don’t get anything from him except he pays the mortgage on the house me and the kids live in. He cheated on me for years and is still with the woman. My peace of mind with him being out of this house is worth more than any amount of money.

But you stayed in your house for which he pays mortgage, right? Your kids were not uprooted with him moving out? My life will have to change, and my son would be splitting time and possibly living in his birthplace home with his whore

Yes, that’s right. My kids are older like your son so the uprooting thing didn’t bother me as much, I was willing to leave the house with my kids but this is the arrangement we worked out. I know it’s tough, and I’m sorry. I just needed him away from me ASAP, I borderline hate him. He also moved into our basement prior to leaving but even with that I was struggling. I worry about him introducing my kids to the other women too. I hate her. But I mostly have let it go, my kids are older and I have zero control over it. Good luck to you.

If he didn't cheat with that woman, he would have cheated with someone else. He cheated on you. Blame him, not her.

That's a whore's excuse. She came into OP's playground knowing full well he had a wife and child..and behind her own husband's back too.

Blow that beatch's world up.

The only thing true about that idiotic statement ist: She means nothing other than a different warm hole. She is nothing special. She can be substituted with any other warm hole. Women that use that stupid line when referring to themselves don't even seen the irony in it.

Yet the whole affair they like to think they are so special to him. This is why it makes me lmaof when they use this line when caught

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m a PP that voted don’t drag things out for your general well-being — but I wouldn’t leave the house or take an inferior position out of desperation. That is the opposite swing of the pendulum. Are you saying that the only way to keep the home is to drag things out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No judge will order college costs. It just isn't done.

Says someone with no experience of divorce law, apparently.

The following states have laws or case law that give courts the authority to order a non-custodial parent to pay for some form of college expenses: Alabama, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Oregon, South Carolina, South Dakota, Utah, West Virginia and Washington. As you can see, this is about half of the states in the union. Even in states that do not require divorced parents to pay for college, and even if all support for children stops at graduation from high school or age 18, if the parents have made an agreement to pay for their children’s college expenses, those terms would be enforced.