Delaying a divorce

[Anonymous]

If your son is 15 there is no way you will be able to drag this out until he graduates college. While most people do come to an agreement regarding division of assets, etc. for a lot of very good reasons (costs of trial, etc.) he still can pursue a trial and force the issue. You're not going to be able to push off a trial for three years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your son is 15 there is no way you will be able to drag this out until he graduates college. While most people do come to an agreement regarding division of assets, etc. for a lot of very good reasons (costs of trial, etc.) he still can pursue a trial and force the issue. You're not going to be able to push off a trial for three years.

But isn't the trial process one full year at least?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your son is 15 there is no way you will be able to drag this out until he graduates college. While most people do come to an agreement regarding division of assets, etc. for a lot of very good reasons (costs of trial, etc.) he still can pursue a trial and force the issue. You're not going to be able to push off a trial for three years.

I didn't mean college. I meant High School.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your son is 15 there is no way you will be able to drag this out until he graduates college. While most people do come to an agreement regarding division of assets, etc. for a lot of very good reasons (costs of trial, etc.) he still can pursue a trial and force the issue. You're not going to be able to push off a trial for three years.

I didn't mean college. I meant High School.

PP here and I meant to type high school, my mistake. The trial process could be as long as a year, it just depends on what you guys disagree about. The assets/financial stuff is relatively straightforward and should be readily ascertainable from bank statements and tax records. Also, by the way, there's no guarantee a judge won't order both of you to vacate the marital home and put it up for sale prior to the dissolution of the marriage or he might very well award possession of the marital home to your husband with the equity to ultimately be divided out of the other marital assets. The custody end of things can get complicated but your son is 15 so he will probably get a voice in the ultimate outcome...assuming your husband is even pursuing custody at all.

The person to ask these questions of is your lawyer though, what he says is going to be much more important than what anyone here says since he is intimately involved with the facts and circumstances of your case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would consult a lawyer and get that certification.
Also, be careful with the joint accounts. He can clear them out.

Also, check about liability for debts during this informal (?) separation period when you consult a lawyer. Given what you’ve said about soon to be ex, I would prepare for the worst. While you are trying to stay together to get your ducks in a row, he can be hiding assets, cleaning out bank accounts, running up joint debts to be vindictive, all while pressuring you to sign an unfair settlement. Why would you expect him to be fair and play the the rules when he hasn’t so far?

True.

A forensic accountant will find the hidden funds. Your lawyer will hire one and it will be worth it.

+1 Well worth the investment to hire a forensic accountant. Check the business books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is his old ho divorced? Does she have kids of her own?

His old ho is still married! She has 2 grown up kids in college. They plan both get divorces and "unite" for a happy retirement abroad.

DOES HER HUSBAND EVEN KNOW?!?!!!

IF not--you need to call that man immediately.

This is type of a recommendation that I won't be following. Her husband is not my concern and I don't want to be presented like a crazy stalker in the family court. I don' care about her husband. Or even my own husband. Who cares about those dicks.

Because it helps with her motives and if he doesn't know---him finding out sometimes has the consequence of making her scatter. She is banking on not getting caught until she bleeds ex dry and makes him think it is his fault. It will make her life hell.

My friend told ho's husband and she was thrown to the curb. She had nothing after and her kids disowned her.

It could definitely turn your situation around. Right now these cocky shits think they have all control. And they do because he is ordering you around and she's secretly planning her escape. Blow the lid off of it.

[Anonymous]

DC Real Estate is a small world. Should be fairly easy to find these slime balls. I wouldn't use them for my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is his old ho divorced? Does she have kids of her own?

His old ho is still married! She has 2 grown up kids in college. They plan both get divorces and "unite" for a happy retirement abroad.

DOES HER HUSBAND EVEN KNOW?!?!!!

IF not--you need to call that man immediately.

This is type of a recommendation that I won't be following. Her husband is not my concern and I don't want to be presented like a crazy stalker in the family court. I don' care about her husband. Or even my own husband. Who cares about those dicks.

Because it helps with her motives and if he doesn't know---him finding out sometimes has the consequence of making her scatter. She is banking on not getting caught until she bleeds ex dry and makes him think it is his fault. It will make her life hell.

My friend told ho's husband and she was thrown to the curb. She had nothing after and her kids disowned her.

It could definitely turn your situation around. Right now these cocky shits think they have all control. And they do because he is ordering you around and she's secretly planning her escape. Blow the lid off of it.

Sending an email. Brief with no emotion. "Your wife Becky has been having an affair with my husband for 3 years". There is nothing stalkerish about that. They are the ones at fault. Not you.

It is ludicrous to me that the affair is this developed and 'final' and it's just between the 3 of you. Strange. You are taking way too much abuse. You need to take your g-damn power back and stop being a doormat. Let them know you mean business and won't be screwed around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My jerk of a husband cheated on me for 5 years while I took care of family business and our sick son. Moved down in the basement in August. He says he would file for a divorce in August, unless I sign a very unfavorable settlement agreement. I refuse, and frankly, I don't feel like giving him a divorce during pandemic. I am looking for a job, need to study to take an extra few courses at a local college for a certification in my field. While we are married, all joint assets are appreciating and I have full time with our son (husband lives in the basement in-law suite and I don't care).
He brags how nice it is to get rid of the wife (of 15 years) during covid, so he can "live his life" right after the travel restrictions are lifted. And how nice is to cash out from our joint real estate on top of the market... He was sleeping with women when on business trips.
I feel like I was ripped off my time and my career working for our marriage, and he was working on successfully exiting the marriage. And that he has to wait now until at least I find a job.
What would you have done?

Legally separate. That will protect you from the liabilities at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ if you are on the deed, he cannot tell you to vacate the premises. Wtf?

Unfortunately, I am not on the deed of the house where we live as he brought it from his first marriage. I do have a significant equity in it that he has to pay me, but he will retain it regardless. He can't do anything or evict me, as it's still considered a "marital home" as long as we are married. He kind of gets mad because he can't do anything, and I kind of enjoy mooching of him, living in the main house alone with my son, having him "evicted" in the carriage house.

It is interesting to read this little tidbit in light of your comments about the new whore using your closets and splashing in your pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for understanding that 120k standard of living and 440 combined standard of living is totally different. His child support won’t “make up” the difference for me. I had a good corporate job before “mommy tracking” to a smaller family business. While I managed our business successfully (in some years making way more than my husband on real estate), he was climbing up the corporate ladder. His mistress is his subordinate and a business partner - she’s making way more than me. I feel like he used me for childbearing and home making in my prime years, then screwed me just before his own retirement (he’s in mid 50s), to depart for even wealthier pastures.
My retirement plans were build around my family!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. When I practiced family law and before that worked for a long established family law attorney, I saw this happen so many times. It’s so cruel and selfish and sadly, too many times the men who do this are teaching their sons to have the same attitude toward commitment and family.

I’ve never been married and I often feel regrets about that, but stories like yours remind me that the great majority of marriages aren’t healthy, no matter how they appear on the surface - or even how they might appear to some of the committed spouses in them. So many women end up alone in midlife and beyond through no fault of their own.

If you trust your lawyer, follow your lawyer’s advice. Try to set aside your very justified anger about the other woman, at least in terms of how it affects your son. Sadly she is going to be part of his life now whether he lives with her part time until he goes off to college, or chooses to live full time with you (he’s old enough that the court will likely order whatever his preference is) and just visits there. Try as hard as you possibly can to rise above your husband’s horrible example and to keep your son out of the acrimony. He will form his own opinions of their behavior and the older he gets, the wiser those opinions will become. But it’s very important that he not be made a pawn in the hostility between you and soon to be exDH. If you act with the greater integrity the rewards in the long term with your son will be certain. It will also ultimately be better for your own mental health to practice this approach. YOU did the right things. YOU are not at fault here. There is nothing to be gained by fostering anger and acrimony over your husband’s egregious moral failings. Hold your head up high and get on with your life. It’s a Plan B for sure, but given what you now know about your husband’s character, you deserve the freedom to forge a more authentic life.

Thank you for supporting. You were right not getting married, it's not worth it if you are a successful attorney. In my view, after so many years of loving, trusting, caring, marriage is just a contract to combine 2 incomes to grow a child. When the child grows up, the contract ceases. Some decide to extend, if there is still commitment, friendship and love left. But many grow apart, and the situation when the wife chooses "stay at home" route creates the environment for the wife and the husband grow apart. Husbands never appreciate the work women do at home, and any other woman would look more attractive, successful etc if there is no integrity in his own character.

If you still can, I very much recommend adopting or having a donor child. Childbearing and first 2 years kill sexual desires, and you won't even need a partner. Then, your child comes your family and friend. I am very grateful to have my son who always hugs, consoles me, comes to me when he knows I am sad.

My son is my main positive "take out" from my failed marriage.

Oof, that's a heavy burden to lay on a 15 yo boy. That poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for understanding that 120k standard of living and 440 combined standard of living is totally different. His child support won’t “make up” the difference for me. I had a good corporate job before “mommy tracking” to a smaller family business. While I managed our business successfully (in some years making way more than my husband on real estate), he was climbing up the corporate ladder. His mistress is his subordinate and a business partner - she’s making way more than me. I feel like he used me for childbearing and home making in my prime years, then screwed me just before his own retirement (he’s in mid 50s), to depart for even wealthier pastures.
My retirement plans were build around my family!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. When I practiced family law and before that worked for a long established family law attorney, I saw this happen so many times. It’s so cruel and selfish and sadly, too many times the men who do this are teaching their sons to have the same attitude toward commitment and family.

I’ve never been married and I often feel regrets about that, but stories like yours remind me that the great majority of marriages aren’t healthy, no matter how they appear on the surface - or even how they might appear to some of the committed spouses in them. So many women end up alone in midlife and beyond through no fault of their own.

If you trust your lawyer, follow your lawyer’s advice. Try to set aside your very justified anger about the other woman, at least in terms of how it affects your son. Sadly she is going to be part of his life now whether he lives with her part time until he goes off to college, or chooses to live full time with you (he’s old enough that the court will likely order whatever his preference is) and just visits there. Try as hard as you possibly can to rise above your husband’s horrible example and to keep your son out of the acrimony. He will form his own opinions of their behavior and the older he gets, the wiser those opinions will become. But it’s very important that he not be made a pawn in the hostility between you and soon to be exDH. If you act with the greater integrity the rewards in the long term with your son will be certain. It will also ultimately be better for your own mental health to practice this approach. YOU did the right things. YOU are not at fault here. There is nothing to be gained by fostering anger and acrimony over your husband’s egregious moral failings. Hold your head up high and get on with your life. It’s a Plan B for sure, but given what you now know about your husband’s character, you deserve the freedom to forge a more authentic life.

Thank you for supporting. You were right not getting married, it's not worth it if you are a successful attorney. In my view, after so many years of loving, trusting, caring, marriage is just a contract to combine 2 incomes to grow a child. When the child grows up, the contract ceases. Some decide to extend, if there is still commitment, friendship and love left. But many grow apart, and the situation when the wife chooses "stay at home" route creates the environment for the wife and the husband grow apart. Husbands never appreciate the work women do at home, and any other woman would look more attractive, successful etc if there is no integrity in his own character.

If you still can, I very much recommend adopting or having a donor child. Childbearing and first 2 years kill sexual desires, and you won't even need a partner. Then, your child comes your family and friend. I am very grateful to have my son who always hugs, consoles me, comes to me when he knows I am sad.

My son is my main positive "take out" from my failed marriage.

Oof, that's a heavy burden to lay on a 15 yo boy. That poor kid.

No kidding. Op sounds like a mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ if you are on the deed, he cannot tell you to vacate the premises. Wtf?

Unfortunately, I am not on the deed of the house where we live as he brought it from his first marriage. I do have a significant equity in it that he has to pay me, but he will retain it regardless. He can't do anything or evict me, as it's still considered a "marital home" as long as we are married. He kind of gets mad because he can't do anything, and I kind of enjoy mooching of him, living in the main house alone with my son, having him "evicted" in the carriage house.

It is interesting to read this little tidbit in light of your comments about the new whore using your closets and splashing in your pool.

Did he cheat in the first marriage too? I'm guessing so. He sounds like an ass.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP.

No advice, just hugs. And ignore the nasty posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would file for divorce and ask for 1/2 the family business or life long alimony, child support and 1/2 of all real-estate and assets. Don't wait till you find a job. You own half that business. You worked in that business so that was your job.

And, make a custody schedule where he is responsible 50% of the time. Stop playing nice.

What are you waiting for?

If I file for a divorce and split it like that, I would be moving out from the large house we currently all live in (my ex will retain it, and I will retain smaller one as I can't afford the large one), into a much smaller townhouse or even an apartment. I will live on 120K net annual income (down from 440K current net income). I won't be getting much alimony or child support because of the assets that I would be getting in the divorce, and because I married my jerk very young and I am in my early 40s. I feel like he would increase his lifestyle and net income divorcing by 72% and my standard of living will go down significantly. I don't want that to happen, until I am able to "make up" at least some of that lost income.

Plus, I don't want to split the custody 50/50 - my child is in high school and I want to have 100% time with him the last years before I send him off to college....

I don't plan to date, re-marry, I hate men and just want to grow my child until college in the house where he was born.

I have a good lawyer. He thinks it is beneficial for me to delay, as all marital assets (including the jerk pension) are appreciating, the longer we are married.

He had a 5-year long affair, with mental and financial infidelity.

Your post makes no sense. You should get 1/2 the assets and business. And, $120K net income is a fantastic income so I don't get what you are complain about. Child support has nothing to do with assets and it has to do with income and custody. You will be just fine on $120 a year. Your post makes zero sense to me as we live on that as a family.

I would have to rent an apartment from that 120K income. My actual net income would be much lower. My husband will pay some child support but not alimony. I just feel that being separated I am still better off, and can study and apply for jobs without worrying about tomorrow. My jerk was obligated by the lawyers to support the family financially during separation.

You cannot be for real. $120 plus child support a year is very good.

Most people contemplating divorce consider the potential downgrade in lifestyle. So, yes, while that's a lot of money for one person (well, one and a half because of the kid), it's still a lifestyle downgrade. It can take some people time to adjust mentally to that reality.

Most people are better off after divorce even with a lifestyle downgrade. They're happier, etc. But others will elect to remain miserable because they fear the downgrade.