Delaying a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would file for divorce and ask for 1/2 the family business or life long alimony, child support and 1/2 of all real-estate and assets. Don't wait till you find a job. You own half that business. You worked in that business so that was your job.

And, make a custody schedule where he is responsible 50% of the time. Stop playing nice.

What are you waiting for?

If I file for a divorce and split it like that, I would be moving out from the large house we currently all live in (my ex will retain it, and I will retain smaller one as I can't afford the large one), into a much smaller townhouse or even an apartment. I will live on 120K net annual income (down from 440K current net income). I won't be getting much alimony or child support because of the assets that I would be getting in the divorce, and because I married my jerk very young and I am in my early 40s. I feel like he would increase his lifestyle and net income divorcing by 72% and my standard of living will go down significantly. I don't want that to happen, until I am able to "make up" at least some of that lost income.

Plus, I don't want to split the custody 50/50 - my child is in high school and I want to have 100% time with him the last years before I send him off to college....

I don't plan to date, re-marry, I hate men and just want to grow my child until college in the house where he was born.

I have a good lawyer. He thinks it is beneficial for me to delay, as all marital assets (including the jerk pension) are appreciating, the longer we are married.

He had a 5-year long affair, with mental and financial infidelity.

&)

You’re missing the point.

You can ask for whatever you want. If you want to stay in the house and have him cover the mortgage until it’s paid off, you can say “Okay, I’ll give you a divorce today if you pay me X% of business income for the next 10 years and cover the mortgage on the house. I want full custody of DC with child support and I want his college funded and a trust created for him” Ask for whatever you want. It doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but your husband seems eager to move on, and you can take advantage of that to get him to agree to a split that would make YOU feel happy granting a divorce. If he disagrees you get the satisfaction of saying to everyone “sigh. I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult.”

Men do this all the time. Up your game OP. And get a better lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for understanding that 120k standard of living and 440 combined standard of living is totally different. His child support won’t “make up” the difference for me. I had a good corporate job before “mommy tracking” to a smaller family business. While I managed our business successfully (in some years making way more than my husband on real estate), he was climbing up the corporate ladder. His mistress is his subordinate and a business partner - she’s making way more than me. I feel like he used me for childbearing and home making in my prime years, then screwed me just before his own retirement (he’s in mid 50s), to depart for even wealthier pastures.
My retirement plans were build around my family!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. When I practiced family law and before that worked for a long established family law attorney, I saw this happen so many times. It’s so cruel and selfish and sadly, too many times the men who do this are teaching their sons to have the same attitude toward commitment and family.

I’ve never been married and I often feel regrets about that, but stories like yours remind me that the great majority of marriages aren’t healthy, no matter how they appear on the surface - or even how they might appear to some of the committed spouses in them. So many women end up alone in midlife and beyond through no fault of their own.

If you trust your lawyer, follow your lawyer’s advice. Try to set aside your very justified anger about the other woman, at least in terms of how it affects your son. Sadly she is going to be part of his life now whether he lives with her part time until he goes off to college, or chooses to live full time with you (he’s old enough that the court will likely order whatever his preference is) and just visits there. Try as hard as you possibly can to rise above your husband’s horrible example and to keep your son out of the acrimony. He will form his own opinions of their behavior and the older he gets, the wiser those opinions will become. But it’s very important that he not be made a pawn in the hostility between you and soon to be exDH. If you act with the greater integrity the rewards in the long term with your son will be certain. It will also ultimately be better for your own mental health to practice this approach. YOU did the right things. YOU are not at fault here. There is nothing to be gained by fostering anger and acrimony over your husband’s egregious moral failings. Hold your head up high and get on with your life. It’s a Plan B for sure, but given what you now know about your husband’s character, you deserve the freedom to forge a more authentic life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would file for divorce and ask for 1/2 the family business or life long alimony, child support and 1/2 of all real-estate and assets. Don't wait till you find a job. You own half that business. You worked in that business so that was your job.

And, make a custody schedule where he is responsible 50% of the time. Stop playing nice.

What are you waiting for?

If I file for a divorce and split it like that, I would be moving out from the large house we currently all live in (my ex will retain it, and I will retain smaller one as I can't afford the large one), into a much smaller townhouse or even an apartment. I will live on 120K net annual income (down from 440K current net income). I won't be getting much alimony or child support because of the assets that I would be getting in the divorce, and because I married my jerk very young and I am in my early 40s. I feel like he would increase his lifestyle and net income divorcing by 72% and my standard of living will go down significantly. I don't want that to happen, until I am able to "make up" at least some of that lost income.

Plus, I don't want to split the custody 50/50 - my child is in high school and I want to have 100% time with him the last years before I send him off to college....

I don't plan to date, re-marry, I hate men and just want to grow my child until college in the house where he was born.

I have a good lawyer. He thinks it is beneficial for me to delay, as all marital assets (including the jerk pension) are appreciating, the longer we are married.

He had a 5-year long affair, with mental and financial infidelity.

&)

You’re missing the point.

You can ask for whatever you want. If you want to stay in the house and have him cover the mortgage until it’s paid off, you can say “Okay, I’ll give you a divorce today if you pay me X% of business income for the next 10 years and cover the mortgage on the house. I want full custody of DC with child support and I want his college funded and a trust created for him” Ask for whatever you want. It doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but your husband seems eager to move on, and you can take advantage of that to get him to agree to a split that would make YOU feel happy granting a divorce. If he disagrees you get the satisfaction of saying to everyone “sigh. I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult.”

Men do this all the time. Up your game OP. And get a better lawyer.

I already tried to offer all the points you mentioned (education trust, pay for a mortgage of a new home for me and my son, share future business income etc) - he's greedy and refused on all points. Negotiations were conducted by a very reputable DC lawyer. So I am at the stage " I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex left over the summer. My 2 kids live with me and I make 85k. I don’t get anything from him except he pays the mortgage on the house me and the kids live in. He cheated on me for years and is still with the woman. My peace of mind with him being out of this house is worth more than any amount of money.

But you stayed in your house for which he pays mortgage, right? Your kids were not uprooted with him moving out? My life will have to change, and my son would be splitting time and possibly living in his birthplace home with his whore

Yes, that’s right. My kids are older like your son so the uprooting thing didn’t bother me as much, I was willing to leave the house with my kids but this is the arrangement we worked out. I know it’s tough, and I’m sorry. I just needed him away from me ASAP, I borderline hate him. He also moved into our basement prior to leaving but even with that I was struggling. I worry about him introducing my kids to the other women too. I hate her. But I mostly have let it go, my kids are older and I have zero control over it. Good luck to you.

How are your kids communicating with dad - did he agree to visitation, or they are old enough and just chose to spend all overnights with you? So basically you make 85K, plus he pays the mortgage for the house. Your income combined is probably about the same as what I would have if I was to move out, except I would need to rent an apartment. I would love to have your arrangement! And that's a problem for me, as I don't want my son to be uprooted. I would love to have the same arrangement as you, but my jerk keeps saying "you have to vacate premises by ...." As if my son has no relationship to me "vacating the premises". I also hate my soon to be ex, can't even see or talk to him. He is so full of himself, and called me names and emotionally abused me for years! We only communicate through lawyers and text/email.

To all telling me managing my anger: I am totally sane and calculative in my logics. I just don't feel I would be any better 1) vacating premises on his terms (e.g. unfavorable settlement that does no good except reducing my standard of living, even comparing to possible trial court outcome ) 2) seeing my son either live with step mom last 2 years of HS, or, to the opposite, seeing my son abandon his dad completely.

I feel like his whore should wait using my closets and splashing in my pool, not I should be moving out in a rush with my son.

You seem to think you have all of the answers. Why did you post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex left over the summer. My 2 kids live with me and I make 85k. I don’t get anything from him except he pays the mortgage on the house me and the kids live in. He cheated on me for years and is still with the woman. My peace of mind with him being out of this house is worth more than any amount of money.

But you stayed in your house for which he pays mortgage, right? Your kids were not uprooted with him moving out? My life will have to change, and my son would be splitting time and possibly living in his birthplace home with his whore

Yes, that’s right. My kids are older like your son so the uprooting thing didn’t bother me as much, I was willing to leave the house with my kids but this is the arrangement we worked out. I know it’s tough, and I’m sorry. I just needed him away from me ASAP, I borderline hate him. He also moved into our basement prior to leaving but even with that I was struggling. I worry about him introducing my kids to the other women too. I hate her. But I mostly have let it go, my kids are older and I have zero control over it. Good luck to you.

How are your kids communicating with dad - did he agree to visitation, or they are old enough and just chose to spend all overnights with you? So basically you make 85K, plus he pays the mortgage for the house. Your income combined is probably about the same as what I would have if I was to move out, except I would need to rent an apartment. I would love to have your arrangement! And that's a problem for me, as I don't want my son to be uprooted. I would love to have the same arrangement as you, but my jerk keeps saying "you have to vacate premises by ...." As if my son has no relationship to me "vacating the premises". I also hate my soon to be ex, can't even see or talk to him. He is so full of himself, and called me names and emotionally abused me for years! We only communicate through lawyers and text/email.

To all telling me managing my anger: I am totally sane and calculative in my logics. I just don't feel I would be any better 1) vacating premises on his terms (e.g. unfavorable settlement that does no good except reducing my standard of living, even comparing to possible trial court outcome ) 2) seeing my son either live with step mom last 2 years of HS, or, to the opposite, seeing my son abandon his dad completely.

I feel like his whore should wait using my closets and splashing in my pool, not I should be moving out in a rush with my son.

You seem to think you have all of the answers. Why did you post?

Which methods did you use to delay the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would file for divorce and ask for 1/2 the family business or life long alimony, child support and 1/2 of all real-estate and assets. Don't wait till you find a job. You own half that business. You worked in that business so that was your job.

And, make a custody schedule where he is responsible 50% of the time. Stop playing nice.

What are you waiting for?

If I file for a divorce and split it like that, I would be moving out from the large house we currently all live in (my ex will retain it, and I will retain smaller one as I can't afford the large one), into a much smaller townhouse or even an apartment. I will live on 120K net annual income (down from 440K current net income). I won't be getting much alimony or child support because of the assets that I would be getting in the divorce, and because I married my jerk very young and I am in my early 40s. I feel like he would increase his lifestyle and net income divorcing by 72% and my standard of living will go down significantly. I don't want that to happen, until I am able to "make up" at least some of that lost income.

Plus, I don't want to split the custody 50/50 - my child is in high school and I want to have 100% time with him the last years before I send him off to college....

I don't plan to date, re-marry, I hate men and just want to grow my child until college in the house where he was born.

I have a good lawyer. He thinks it is beneficial for me to delay, as all marital assets (including the jerk pension) are appreciating, the longer we are married.

He had a 5-year long affair, with mental and financial infidelity.

&)

You’re missing the point.

You can ask for whatever you want. If you want to stay in the house and have him cover the mortgage until it’s paid off, you can say “Okay, I’ll give you a divorce today if you pay me X% of business income for the next 10 years and cover the mortgage on the house. I want full custody of DC with child support and I want his college funded and a trust created for him” Ask for whatever you want. It doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but your husband seems eager to move on, and you can take advantage of that to get him to agree to a split that would make YOU feel happy granting a divorce. If he disagrees you get the satisfaction of saying to everyone “sigh. I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult.”

Men do this all the time. Up your game OP. And get a better lawyer.

I already tried to offer all the points you mentioned (education trust, pay for a mortgage of a new home for me and my son, share future business income etc) - he's greedy and refused on all points. Negotiations were conducted by a very reputable DC lawyer. So I am at the stage " I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult"

Then you have your answer. Every time he brings it up you say “Yes, I will grant you a divorce today! All you have to do is talk to my lawyer.”

Done.

Walk away. Don’t engage.

You can probably drag this out until your son is out of high school. Stop being so emotional about it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for understanding that 120k standard of living and 440 combined standard of living is totally different. His child support won’t “make up” the difference for me. I had a good corporate job before “mommy tracking” to a smaller family business. While I managed our business successfully (in some years making way more than my husband on real estate), he was climbing up the corporate ladder. His mistress is his subordinate and a business partner - she’s making way more than me. I feel like he used me for childbearing and home making in my prime years, then screwed me just before his own retirement (he’s in mid 50s), to depart for even wealthier pastures.
My retirement plans were build around my family!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. When I practiced family law and before that worked for a long established family law attorney, I saw this happen so many times. It’s so cruel and selfish and sadly, too many times the men who do this are teaching their sons to have the same attitude toward commitment and family.

I’ve never been married and I often feel regrets about that, but stories like yours remind me that the great majority of marriages aren’t healthy, no matter how they appear on the surface - or even how they might appear to some of the committed spouses in them. So many women end up alone in midlife and beyond through no fault of their own.

If you trust your lawyer, follow your lawyer’s advice. Try to set aside your very justified anger about the other woman, at least in terms of how it affects your son. Sadly she is going to be part of his life now whether he lives with her part time until he goes off to college, or chooses to live full time with you (he’s old enough that the court will likely order whatever his preference is) and just visits there. Try as hard as you possibly can to rise above your husband’s horrible example and to keep your son out of the acrimony. He will form his own opinions of their behavior and the older he gets, the wiser those opinions will become. But it’s very important that he not be made a pawn in the hostility between you and soon to be exDH. If you act with the greater integrity the rewards in the long term with your son will be certain. It will also ultimately be better for your own mental health to practice this approach. YOU did the right things. YOU are not at fault here. There is nothing to be gained by fostering anger and acrimony over your husband’s egregious moral failings. Hold your head up high and get on with your life. It’s a Plan B for sure, but given what you now know about your husband’s character, you deserve the freedom to forge a more authentic life.

The cheaters are trash. Move on and let the universe deal with them. People that deal in deceit, low morals and poor character don't all the sudden become good people with a 'new' person. They carry that shit with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would file for divorce and ask for 1/2 the family business or life long alimony, child support and 1/2 of all real-estate and assets. Don't wait till you find a job. You own half that business. You worked in that business so that was your job.

And, make a custody schedule where he is responsible 50% of the time. Stop playing nice.

What are you waiting for?

If I file for a divorce and split it like that, I would be moving out from the large house we currently all live in (my ex will retain it, and I will retain smaller one as I can't afford the large one), into a much smaller townhouse or even an apartment. I will live on 120K net annual income (down from 440K current net income). I won't be getting much alimony or child support because of the assets that I would be getting in the divorce, and because I married my jerk very young and I am in my early 40s. I feel like he would increase his lifestyle and net income divorcing by 72% and my standard of living will go down significantly. I don't want that to happen, until I am able to "make up" at least some of that lost income.

Plus, I don't want to split the custody 50/50 - my child is in high school and I want to have 100% time with him the last years before I send him off to college....

I don't plan to date, re-marry, I hate men and just want to grow my child until college in the house where he was born.

I have a good lawyer. He thinks it is beneficial for me to delay, as all marital assets (including the jerk pension) are appreciating, the longer we are married.

He had a 5-year long affair, with mental and financial infidelity.

&)

You’re missing the point.

You can ask for whatever you want. If you want to stay in the house and have him cover the mortgage until it’s paid off, you can say “Okay, I’ll give you a divorce today if you pay me X% of business income for the next 10 years and cover the mortgage on the house. I want full custody of DC with child support and I want his college funded and a trust created for him” Ask for whatever you want. It doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but your husband seems eager to move on, and you can take advantage of that to get him to agree to a split that would make YOU feel happy granting a divorce. If he disagrees you get the satisfaction of saying to everyone “sigh. I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult.”

Men do this all the time. Up your game OP. And get a better lawyer.

+1,000,000

He doesn't get to call the shots. He and his ho are bullies.

You are not the one at fault. YOU make the demands. Screw them.

[Anonymous]

Is his old ho divorced? Does she have kids of her own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is his old ho divorced? Does she have kids of her own?

His old ho is still married! She has 2 grown up kids in college. They plan both get divorces and "unite" for a happy retirement abroad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would file for divorce and ask for 1/2 the family business or life long alimony, child support and 1/2 of all real-estate and assets. Don't wait till you find a job. You own half that business. You worked in that business so that was your job.

And, make a custody schedule where he is responsible 50% of the time. Stop playing nice.

What are you waiting for?

If I file for a divorce and split it like that, I would be moving out from the large house we currently all live in (my ex will retain it, and I will retain smaller one as I can't afford the large one), into a much smaller townhouse or even an apartment. I will live on 120K net annual income (down from 440K current net income). I won't be getting much alimony or child support because of the assets that I would be getting in the divorce, and because I married my jerk very young and I am in my early 40s. I feel like he would increase his lifestyle and net income divorcing by 72% and my standard of living will go down significantly. I don't want that to happen, until I am able to "make up" at least some of that lost income.

Plus, I don't want to split the custody 50/50 - my child is in high school and I want to have 100% time with him the last years before I send him off to college....

I don't plan to date, re-marry, I hate men and just want to grow my child until college in the house where he was born.

I have a good lawyer. He thinks it is beneficial for me to delay, as all marital assets (including the jerk pension) are appreciating, the longer we are married.

He had a 5-year long affair, with mental and financial infidelity.

&)

You’re missing the point.

You can ask for whatever you want. If you want to stay in the house and have him cover the mortgage until it’s paid off, you can say “Okay, I’ll give you a divorce today if you pay me X% of business income for the next 10 years and cover the mortgage on the house. I want full custody of DC with child support and I want his college funded and a trust created for him” Ask for whatever you want. It doesn’t mean you’ll get it, but your husband seems eager to move on, and you can take advantage of that to get him to agree to a split that would make YOU feel happy granting a divorce. If he disagrees you get the satisfaction of saying to everyone “sigh. I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult.”

Men do this all the time. Up your game OP. And get a better lawyer.

I already tried to offer all the points you mentioned (education trust, pay for a mortgage of a new home for me and my son, share future business income etc) - he's greedy and refused on all points. Negotiations were conducted by a very reputable DC lawyer. So I am at the stage " I wanted a quick divorce but DH is dragging this out for so long... Honestly, I really wish he would move on instead of being so difficult"

Then you have your answer. Every time he brings it up you say “Yes, I will grant you a divorce today! All you have to do is talk to my lawyer.”

Done.

Walk away. Don’t engage.

You can probably drag this out until your son is out of high school. Stop being so emotional about it though.

Which specific methods of dragging out can you recommend? Delaying court hearings? Filing additional motions ? Not accepting the divorce petition? If he files (there is no formal separation filed), and I say we are still together (which is kind of true, as I have some sexting from him, and him offering "to remain friends", telling our son he offered marital therapy etc.), can the court order marital therapy or other shit, just so I would delay for another year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is his old ho divorced? Does she have kids of her own?

His old ho is still married! She has 2 grown up kids in college. They plan both get divorces and "unite" for a happy retirement abroad.

DOES HER HUSBAND EVEN KNOW?!?!!!

IF not--you need to call that man immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is his old ho divorced? Does she have kids of her own?

His old ho is still married! She has 2 grown up kids in college. They plan both get divorces and "unite" for a happy retirement abroad.

DOES HER HUSBAND EVEN KNOW?!?!!!

IF not--you need to call that man immediately.

This is type of a recommendation that I won't be following. Her husband is not my concern and I don't want to be presented like a crazy stalker in the family court. I don' care about her husband. Or even my own husband. Who cares about those dicks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: am I crazy or there are other women with such logics as well? I just don't see how it would be easier for me if I divorce and live my modest life, when the jerk would bring his whore in the house where I bought our baby. And my son would have to spend 50% with the whore.

ME. Although I'd be very wary of the jerk hiding or transferring assets.

To the PP above that it makes no sense that she can't live on $120k a year because you do. What if you suddenly had to live on $60k? I am still married and more than part of that is financial. I like my house and I can't pay the mortgage on my own or buy my husband out. I don't think that's so hard to understand. OP has some leverage as her husband would like to divorce, but on unfair terms. I'd use that and the time I had to get ready to enter the work force.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you for understanding that 120k standard of living and 440 combined standard of living is totally different. His child support won’t “make up” the difference for me. I had a good corporate job before “mommy tracking” to a smaller family business. While I managed our business successfully (in some years making way more than my husband on real estate), he was climbing up the corporate ladder. His mistress is his subordinate and a business partner - she’s making way more than me. I feel like he used me for childbearing and home making in my prime years, then screwed me just before his own retirement (he’s in mid 50s), to depart for even wealthier pastures.
My retirement plans were build around my family!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. When I practiced family law and before that worked for a long established family law attorney, I saw this happen so many times. It’s so cruel and selfish and sadly, too many times the men who do this are teaching their sons to have the same attitude toward commitment and family.

I’ve never been married and I often feel regrets about that, but stories like yours remind me that the great majority of marriages aren’t healthy, no matter how they appear on the surface - or even how they might appear to some of the committed spouses in them. So many women end up alone in midlife and beyond through no fault of their own.

If you trust your lawyer, follow your lawyer’s advice. Try to set aside your very justified anger about the other woman, at least in terms of how it affects your son. Sadly she is going to be part of his life now whether he lives with her part time until he goes off to college, or chooses to live full time with you (he’s old enough that the court will likely order whatever his preference is) and just visits there. Try as hard as you possibly can to rise above your husband’s horrible example and to keep your son out of the acrimony. He will form his own opinions of their behavior and the older he gets, the wiser those opinions will become. But it’s very important that he not be made a pawn in the hostility between you and soon to be exDH. If you act with the greater integrity the rewards in the long term with your son will be certain. It will also ultimately be better for your own mental health to practice this approach. YOU did the right things. YOU are not at fault here. There is nothing to be gained by fostering anger and acrimony over your husband’s egregious moral failings. Hold your head up high and get on with your life. It’s a Plan B for sure, but given what you now know about your husband’s character, you deserve the freedom to forge a more authentic life.

Thank you for supporting. You were right not getting married, it's not worth it if you are a successful attorney. In my view, after so many years of loving, trusting, caring, marriage is just a contract to combine 2 incomes to grow a child. When the child grows up, the contract ceases. Some decide to extend, if there is still commitment, friendship and love left. But many grow apart, and the situation when the wife chooses "stay at home" route creates the environment for the wife and the husband grow apart. Husbands never appreciate the work women do at home, and any other woman would look more attractive, successful etc if there is no integrity in his own character.

If you still can, I very much recommend adopting or having a donor child. Childbearing and first 2 years kill sexual desires, and you won't even need a partner. Then, your child comes your family and friend. I am very grateful to have my son who always hugs, consoles me, comes to me when he knows I am sad.

My son is my main positive "take out" from my failed marriage.