Delaying a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was 23 when he fed me the crap, he was my second sexual partner and I was still studying at the university, not particular experienced with dating. His first wife remarried 1 year after their divorce, even faster than he married me. I don’t think he lied back then that they were separated and lived separate lives. After that, we had 15 years of committed and pretty happy relationship (10 first years of marriage included), and 5 more him hiding the affair. The affair partner is married herself, she’s 50 yo with 2 grown up kids, perfectly aware about him having a young child when she started sleeping with him for monetary gains. I don’t think it’s appropriate to compare the 2 situations.
He wasn’t wealthy when I met him.

You are way too hung up on the money, ma'am. Yes, he absolutely sucks for having affairs. Yes, he sounds like a nightmare partner. But blaming the AP is classic "Stage One" of the infidelity bombshell and it's not a good look.

Moreover, how did you not have anyone in your life to tell you that marrying your decade-older affair partner, who you met when you were...interning, maybe, was a bad idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was 23 when he fed me the crap, he was my second sexual partner and I was still studying at the university, not particular experienced with dating. His first wife remarried 1 year after their divorce, even faster than he married me. I don’t think he lied back then that they were separated and lived separate lives. After that, we had 15 years of committed and pretty happy relationship (10 first years of marriage included), and 5 more him hiding the affair. The affair partner is married herself, she’s 50 yo with 2 grown up kids, perfectly aware about him having a young child when she started sleeping with him for monetary gains. I don’t think it’s appropriate to compare the 2 situations.
He wasn’t wealthy when I met him.

You are way too hung up on the money, ma'am. Yes, he absolutely sucks for having affairs. Yes, he sounds like a nightmare partner. But blaming the AP is classic "Stage One" of the infidelity bombshell and it's not a good look.

Moreover, how did you not have anyone in your life to tell you that marrying your decade-older affair partner, who you met when you were...interning, maybe, was a bad idea?

It’s even crazier because she was the AP in her current husband’s marriage!!! I’d give her a pass if she wasn’t a cheater herself.

AP’s suck. They are awful people and karma dies usually come for them. This is a perfect example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was 23 when he fed me the crap, he was my second sexual partner and I was still studying at the university, not particular experienced with dating. His first wife remarried 1 year after their divorce, even faster than he married me. I don’t think he lied back then that they were separated and lived separate lives. After that, we had 15 years of committed and pretty happy relationship (10 first years of marriage included), and 5 more him hiding the affair. The affair partner is married herself, she’s 50 yo with 2 grown up kids, perfectly aware about him having a young child when she started sleeping with him for monetary gains. I don’t think it’s appropriate to compare the 2 situations.
He wasn’t wealthy when I met him.

You are way too hung up on the money, ma'am. Yes, he absolutely sucks for having affairs. Yes, he sounds like a nightmare partner. But blaming the AP is classic "Stage One" of the infidelity bombshell and it's not a good look.

Moreover, how did you not have anyone in your life to tell you that marrying your decade-older affair partner, who you met when you were...interning, maybe, was a bad idea?

10 years is not a particular big age difference and we dated for a while before getting married. He seemed and behaved pretty normal 15 years we were together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was 23 when he fed me the crap, he was my second sexual partner and I was still studying at the university, not particular experienced with dating. His first wife remarried 1 year after their divorce, even faster than he married me. I don’t think he lied back then that they were separated and lived separate lives. After that, we had 15 years of committed and pretty happy relationship (10 first years of marriage included), and 5 more him hiding the affair. The affair partner is married herself, she’s 50 yo with 2 grown up kids, perfectly aware about him having a young child when she started sleeping with him for monetary gains. I don’t think it’s appropriate to compare the 2 situations.
He wasn’t wealthy when I met him.

You are way too hung up on the money, ma'am. Yes, he absolutely sucks for having affairs. Yes, he sounds like a nightmare partner. But blaming the AP is classic "Stage One" of the infidelity bombshell and it's not a good look.

Moreover, how did you not have anyone in your life to tell you that marrying your decade-older affair partner, who you met when you were...interning, maybe, was a bad idea?

10 years is not a particular big age difference and we dated for a while before getting married. He seemed and behaved pretty normal 15 years we were together.

10 years is a huge difference when one of the partners is 23 and the other is married. That's a massive difference not just in age, but experience.

I know you just got dealt a big blow, and I'm sorry, but I'm wondering how the first wife feels now. Your assertions that these two things are not the same ring pretty hollow. You were the affair partner. Now you are the wife being left for yet another affair partner. This is basically the circle of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what happened with wife number 1? How did he treat her in the divorce? Or was he a widower? If it was a divorce, that can clue you in about whether your strategy is worth it.

He bought her out on same terms I offered him now. He refused to these terms (I just flipped their separation agreement). He bullied her threatening courts, he does the same with me. I feel like if I cave into his threats, I will loose everything.
I have a lot of leverage in this case that I did not write about. My husband is a white collar criminal and I will talk if needed.
I was very young when I met him. He didn’t tell me he was married to his first wife. We dates for 2 months and I found out he was married and left him. He divorced her in 6 months (she already had a lover, no kids in 1st marriage, so she was happy to divorce and get out).
When he came back to me 6 months later after his 1st divorce, I made a fatal mistake of trusting him again. He could keep fidelity only for 10 years with me. But I have no regrets as my son was born, and it was a financially successful marriage.

Melania?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was 23 when he fed me the crap, he was my second sexual partner and I was still studying at the university, not particular experienced with dating. His first wife remarried 1 year after their divorce, even faster than he married me. I don’t think he lied back then that they were separated and lived separate lives. After that, we had 15 years of committed and pretty happy relationship (10 first years of marriage included), and 5 more him hiding the affair. The affair partner is married herself, she’s 50 yo with 2 grown up kids, perfectly aware about him having a young child when she started sleeping with him for monetary gains. I don’t think it’s appropriate to compare the 2 situations.
He wasn’t wealthy when I met him.

At 23, you were an adult and grown woman. You had a college degree and working on a master's degree. You know he was married and separated, so even with that information he was having an affair. Your marriage started out with lies and ended with lies. You got done to you exactly what you did to her. Good for his first wife for getting remarried. She deserves happiness after what you ddi to her. The situation is exactly the same. He cheated. His AP isn't relevant as he ruined your marriage, not her. You are a money grubber.

[Anonymous]

Like OP, I married someone who was a known cheater (but had not been married and was single when we met). In my defense, we were both in our late 20s and I thought he would grow out of it with time and commitment.

Like OP, I was wrong.

OP really needs to own her part in all of this. Maybe therapy will help, if she wants it.

The fact that her husband cheated wasn't her fault, but marrying a known adulterer absolutely was. OP won't be able to really move forward until she confronts what made her feel like being "picked" by an adulterer was her best option.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do feel remorse and understand I made a mistake in my early 20s when I agreed to forgive his lie once. At the same time, I don't agree that my and his situation is the same as his affair with the current partner. This one is where both parties were totally aware at the beginning, willingly continued the relationship while both being married with kids. This is just the next level, because of the number of people they betrayed, and huge economic gain his new AP is getting from him being her supervisor at work.

I felt like he was my best choice, because he WAS in fact the smartest, the most attractive, the tallest guy, and he was talking so persuasively! Remember, cheaters can talk you into anything. You won't know it without a certain life experience, and I certainly didn't have this experience at 23. He wasn't wealthy back then, everything that's due to me now we've built together. We had about the same level of education, and both had plenty of loans.

Now that he's in a executive position and I was SAHM for many years he backstops me with a mistress which is a complete corporate prostitute.

[Anonymous]

backstabs, autocorrect again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do feel remorse and understand I made a mistake in my early 20s when I agreed to forgive his lie once. At the same time, I don't agree that my and his situation is the same as his affair with the current partner. This one is where both parties were totally aware at the beginning, willingly continued the relationship while both being married with kids. This is just the next level, because of the number of people they betrayed, and huge economic gain his new AP is getting from him being her supervisor at work.

I felt like he was my best choice, because he WAS in fact the smartest, the most attractive, the tallest guy, and he was talking so persuasively! Remember, cheaters can talk you into anything. You won't know it without a certain life experience, and I certainly didn't have this experience at 23. He wasn't wealthy back then, everything that's due to me now we've built together. We had about the same level of education, and both had plenty of loans.

Now that he's in a executive position and I was SAHM for many years he backstops me with a mistress which is a complete corporate prostitute.

Not really, you just have a broken picker. Not all of us get suckered in because "omg he's omg tall and attractive".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do feel remorse and understand I made a mistake in my early 20s when I agreed to forgive his lie once. At the same time, I don't agree that my and his situation is the same as his affair with the current partner. This one is where both parties were totally aware at the beginning, willingly continued the relationship while both being married with kids. This is just the next level, because of the number of people they betrayed, and huge economic gain his new AP is getting from him being her supervisor at work.

I felt like he was my best choice, because he WAS in fact the smartest, the most attractive, the tallest guy, and he was talking so persuasively! Remember, cheaters can talk you into anything. You won't know it without a certain life experience, and I certainly didn't have this experience at 23. He wasn't wealthy back then, everything that's due to me now we've built together. We had about the same level of education, and both had plenty of loans.

Now that he's in a executive position and I was SAHM for many years he backstops me with a mistress which is a complete corporate prostitute.

You refer to your house as a "mansion" and you also say that he brought that "mansion" into the relationship from his first marriage. How is that not wealth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do feel remorse and understand I made a mistake in my early 20s when I agreed to forgive his lie once. At the same time, I don't agree that my and his situation is the same as his affair with the current partner. This one is where both parties were totally aware at the beginning, willingly continued the relationship while both being married with kids. This is just the next level, because of the number of people they betrayed, and huge economic gain his new AP is getting from him being her supervisor at work.

I felt like he was my best choice, because he WAS in fact the smartest, the most attractive, the tallest guy, and he was talking so persuasively! Remember, cheaters can talk you into anything. You won't know it without a certain life experience, and I certainly didn't have this experience at 23. He wasn't wealthy back then, everything that's due to me now we've built together. We had about the same level of education, and both had plenty of loans.

Now that he's in a executive position and I was SAHM for many years he backstops me with a mistress which is a complete corporate prostitute.

You refer to your house as a "mansion" and you also say that he brought that "mansion" into the relationship from his first marriage. How is that not wealth?

That was the only thing he had, and there was a huge mortgage on it from buyout out his first wife, which we were repaying in our marriage. He didn't have net assets value back than anywhere comparable to our current assets (we bought several more properties while I worked, all joint loans, my equity contributions as well, and I managed them during the marriage)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do feel remorse and understand I made a mistake in my early 20s when I agreed to forgive his lie once. At the same time, I don't agree that my and his situation is the same as his affair with the current partner. This one is where both parties were totally aware at the beginning, willingly continued the relationship while both being married with kids. This is just the next level, because of the number of people they betrayed, and huge economic gain his new AP is getting from him being her supervisor at work.

I felt like he was my best choice, because he WAS in fact the smartest, the most attractive, the tallest guy, and he was talking so persuasively! Remember, cheaters can talk you into anything. You won't know it without a certain life experience, and I certainly didn't have this experience at 23. He wasn't wealthy back then, everything that's due to me now we've built together. We had about the same level of education, and both had plenty of loans.

Now that he's in a executive position and I was SAHM for many years he backstops me with a mistress which is a complete corporate prostitute.

Tell that 51-year old ho's husband. It's crazy that you haven't at least dropped an anonymous email or letter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do feel remorse and understand I made a mistake in my early 20s when I agreed to forgive his lie once. At the same time, I don't agree that my and his situation is the same as his affair with the current partner. This one is where both parties were totally aware at the beginning, willingly continued the relationship while both being married with kids. This is just the next level, because of the number of people they betrayed, and huge economic gain his new AP is getting from him being her supervisor at work.

I felt like he was my best choice, because he WAS in fact the smartest, the most attractive, the tallest guy, and he was talking so persuasively! Remember, cheaters can talk you into anything. You won't know it without a certain life experience, and I certainly didn't have this experience at 23. He wasn't wealthy back then, everything that's due to me now we've built together. We had about the same level of education, and both had plenty of loans.

Now that he's in a executive position and I was SAHM for many years he backstops me with a mistress which is a complete corporate prostitute.

Tell that 51-year old ho's husband. It's crazy that you haven't at least dropped an anonymous email or letter.

Not before I get my own divorce settlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do feel remorse and understand I made a mistake in my early 20s when I agreed to forgive his lie once. At the same time, I don't agree that my and his situation is the same as his affair with the current partner. This one is where both parties were totally aware at the beginning, willingly continued the relationship while both being married with kids. This is just the next level, because of the number of people they betrayed, and huge economic gain his new AP is getting from him being her supervisor at work.

I felt like he was my best choice, because he WAS in fact the smartest, the most attractive, the tallest guy, and he was talking so persuasively! Remember, cheaters can talk you into anything. You won't know it without a certain life experience, and I certainly didn't have this experience at 23. He wasn't wealthy back then, everything that's due to me now we've built together. We had about the same level of education, and both had plenty of loans.

Now that he's in a executive position and I was SAHM for many years he backstops me with a mistress which is a complete corporate prostitute.

Tell that 51-year old ho's husband. It's crazy that you haven't at least dropped an anonymous email or letter.

Not before I get my own divorce settlement.

Yes. Smart. But do it. He deserves to know---especially so he doesn't capitulate in a divorce if she instigates.