How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Seriously
Wow!!
Your mom comes because she is a housekeeper.
I guess if she got tired of that she would not be allowed to visit either.
Piece of work!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.

+1
Young kids are physically demanding. Women are expected to do everything - do not add guests who are unhelpful and critical. If MIL wants more time, the husband should arrange for his mother to visit and squash the comments.

+1, totally agree

Do you even see the irony in this statement?

MIL, also a WOMAN, is being *expected* to come and do heavy lifting for OP, who is doing very little heavy lifting compared to many other families. Rather than take responsibility for her own family, she is limiting access based on who is going to do the most work for her. OMG - her MIL is severely obese, and therefore not physically able to do as much manual labour as her own mother.

I’d feel more sympathetic for OP if she didn’t have so much help otherwise, but she’s basically comparing workloads and allowing access to the grandchildren based on that.

OP is looking at this through a biased lens, not least of all leaning in one direction, as her MIL is obese. MIL is coming and doing what she is capable of doing, and the net worth of that is not zero.

1) This is nuts. They see MIL every other month for a weekend. That’s not limiting access. It’s actually quite frequent.
2) You sound bitter about the fact that OP has help. Who cares?

[Anonymous]

Limiting access..dafuq?

You do realize that there are other ways to see and visit people than camping out overnight in their home frequently without helping out?

OP is not stopping MIL from coming by for dinner, or meeting up at a restaurant, or what have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

Most people don’t require help as part of a visit with family. I get that she sounds difficult, but she’s your husband’s mother, and if she’s able, it’s not unreasonable to have her visit more than once every two months. It sounds like you have plenty of help between the nanny and your mom. Let her come and spend time with dh and the kids. You can use that time to do your own errands and such.

That's a fair point.

However, if you want to come as a guest, then you have to accept that you're invited on a guest frequency. Once every two months sounds reasonable for overnight guests. That means the parents are giving up one weekend every other month to foster the grandparent relationship. That's fair. (Personally, I wouldn't have the energy to host guests every month, let alone several times a month, while caring for young children.)

Sounds reasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Family who frequently stays overnight is just that--family. Family helps. If they wanted to be treated like guests, don't visit so damn much.

Where does it say that the MIL wants to be treated like a guest? All I see is the OP complaining that MIL doesn't go far above and beyond like OP's own mom. And its not suprising that with such a codependent relationship, OP is going to prefer her own mom. Where is DH in all this? I'm guessing he's a classic Beta who is not allowed to have any opinions, down to the color of his shirt.

Um, people who do nothing but hold the baby and criticize--at clearly stated in the original post--aren't helping, they're making extra work for the host: extra cleaning, extra food, extra emotional and mental energy of having to make small talk and fend off parenting critcisms from literally Armchair Grandma.

Its not fair to compare MIL to OP's mom, who by all accounts is Dobby the house elf.

Then it’s also not fair for MIL to compare the amount of visits to OPs mother.
MIL may not have the same ability, but it sounds like she also doesn’t try. Yes she’s obese. She could still offer to run errands (like grocery curbside pickups), read books or do arts/crafts or find ways to make herself helpful. She doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

Most people don’t require help as part of a visit with family. I get that she sounds difficult, but she’s your husband’s mother, and if she’s able, it’s not unreasonable to have her visit more than once every two months. It sounds like you have plenty of help between the nanny and your mom. Let her come and spend time with dh and the kids. You can use that time to do your own errands and such.

That's a fair point.

However, if you want to come as a guest, then you have to accept that you're invited on a guest frequency. Once every two months sounds reasonable for overnight guests. That means the parents are giving up one weekend every other month to foster the grandparent relationship. That's fair. (Personally, I wouldn't have the energy to host guests every month, let alone several times a month, while caring for young children.)

Sounds reasonable to me.

+1
When does it become “fair”? Is she supposed to have MIL there an often as her own mother??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Seriously
Wow!!
Your mom comes because she is a housekeeper.
I guess if she got tired of that she would not be allowed to visit either.
Piece of work!!

You're insane. If her mom decided she couldn't help anymore, she would be invited every other month - just like MIL is. That's the OPPOSITE of cutting off access to the grandkids.

It sounds like the parents are very committed to having the grandparents in their lives - hence even if the visit is a lot of work - they still make time for it every other month.

[Anonymous]

How far away does the MIL live? Are non overnight visits feasible?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd be curious how far away your MIL and mom live. I'd assume MIL lives a few hours' drive away- given the weekend visits?

I think everyone is being FAR too hard on you. The fact is, people are closer to some family members and enjoy their visits more, vs. some family members who we might love but not get along with so well and can be a trial to spend time with. I'm not sure the reason matters. Whether it is because you just don't "mesh", because a family member is critical or a poor houseguest etc- it really does not matter IMO. You are not banishing your MIL or not allowing her to see the grandkids- but you naturally want to spend less time with her because you don't enjoy her company much. You have every right to do that (as long as MIL is still involved in the kids' lives provided she is not abusive or harmful in any way).

We spend far more time with my family than DH's, regardless of the physical distance and where we are living (which has varied greatly over the years). Why? Because my family is loving and supportive and we have a great relationship. DH has a strained relationship with his (and that has been the case since before we even met), ILs disapprove of him/me/and our marriage as a whole and have made that clear multiple times. They also criticize our parenting (not in small tolerable ways, but on big stuff) and create drama and trash us to other family members whenever we disappoint them in some way, or something is not to their liking. Of course we spend far more time with my family! ILs get brief obligatory visits and that is it. I feel zero guilt about this. Fortunately, your situation is far less dramatic!! But the nature of it is the same..

What I'd do: (1) stop telling MIL about how much time your mom spends at your home- you don't need to broadcast how much your mom helps (2) talk to DH- where is he in all of this?? can he take time off when she comes, or take the kids- once old enough- to visit her by himself on occasion? (3) be tolerant of MIL when she is there- there are lots of tips and tricks and ways to do this- leave baby with her while you run errands, ask her to watch kids after bedtime while you and DH go out etc. Also, schedule things for yourself when DH is home with her- no need for both of you to be there all of the time. Go to bed early claiming to be tired because of the baby (which is probably true anyway). Etc etc. (4) be open to MIL and don't write her off just because she isn't great at chasing little ones. Many grandparents are not- this is not entirely uncommon (5) talk to DH about MILs criticism and how it makes you feel. Ask him to talk to her about this ONCE, and in a nice clear but firm way. See if the criticism doesn't decrease. DH needs to keep on top of her and this behavior IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You better be a troll, OP. What an awful post. Your poor MIL.

Why poor MIL?

Once a month visits when all she does is park there?

I think that is plenty generous.

No, once every two months. But hey, way to go with literacy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You better be a troll, OP. What an awful post. Your poor MIL.

Why poor MIL?

Once a month visits when all she does is park there? I think that is plenty generous.

No, once every two months. But hey, way to go with literacy!

The point remains, this couples invites grandma to visit every other month even though the visits are difficult and she's unhelpful.

That's very generous of a young family who still have to deal with all the demands of work and life with a new baby.

[Anonymous]

First, both of you need to stop telling her about your mom's visits.

And to answer your question OP, YOU say NOTHING to MIL.

Your husband needs to talk to her. He can say that your mom only occasionally visits, the other times she comes to help with childcare. Otherwise you would need to hire a nanny or skip a weekend wedding. He needs to have this conversation once and then move on. Be firm, stop apologizing for having help from your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, both of you need to stop telling her about your mom's visits.

And to answer your question OP, YOU say NOTHING to MIL.

Your husband needs to talk to her. He can say that your mom only occasionally visits, the other times she comes to help with childcare. Otherwise you would need to hire a nanny or skip a weekend wedding. He needs to have this conversation once and then move on. Be firm, stop apologizing for having help from your mom.

In the OP it says OP's mom is visiting 1-3 WEEKS per month. If that is the case, then I'm sure MIL has to schedule her e/o month visit around OP's mom.

OP, does not your mom not have a spouse, friends, other adult children, a life of her own?

[Anonymous]

TROLL. OP never came back. She hasn't answered a single question.

[Anonymous]

The ONLY people that you ever need to be completely equal with are your children. This is it.

I don't know why people let themselves get manipulated into thinking that grandparents have to be equal. Life doesn't work this way.

OP's mother is more helpful, pleasant to be around and isn't a burdensome guest. OP's MIL plops herself into a chair and becomes someone that the OP need to tend to when she is there. In addition, OP has to be on guard because MIL judges her and criticized her parenting and hosting.

I'm in the same situation but reversed. My MIL is great. She is not a burden as a house guest at all. She fits into whatever the flow is and can do her own thing. She comes frequently and it never feels like she overstayed. She knows she has an open invitation to come whenever she wants.

My own mother is a PITA. Expects to be waited on, house has to be immaculate (she even walks through to inspect), expects that we will take time off from wok and have lots of activities planned for her, and she gets to be treated "like a princess" because "she has earned that right".. There is nothing enjoyable about her visits. My mother used to complain that MIL came more frequently too so we just make sure not to tell my mother how often she comes.