How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You better be a troll, OP. What an awful post. Your poor MIL.

Why poor MIL?

Once a month visits when all she does is park there?

I think that is plenty generous.

+1 Having two small children is hard. If OP sounds "transactional" that's because having two kids and a full time job doesn't leave you with a lot of spare bandwidth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You better be a troll, OP. What an awful post. Your poor MIL.

Why poor MIL?

Once a month visits when all she does is park there?

I think that is plenty generous.

+1 Having two small children is hard. If OP sounds "transactional" that's because having two kids and a full time job doesn't leave you with a lot of spare bandwidth.

Well, unless you have a nanny, and a mother who already does Dream feeds, dishes, overnight dates, and weekends away.

OP doesn’t appreciate her own mother, more than she holds it against anyone who doesn’t step up.

[Anonymous]

Jumping to the end here: people who are severely obese are not generally helpful. (They can’t get around) sitting and watching tv with the baby is a guest. Also we had an obese many. Her weight broke our chairs and two toilets. Flooded the house twice. So with a baby and toddler I would limit those visits.

[Anonymous]

Obese nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, tell her that you are really only interested in her if she is willing and able to act like unpaid staff when visiting.

Also make it clear you have a problem with her obesity.

You should be free of having to worry about visits for a while.

This is exactly how OP sounds! Entitled much?

It is not. It's just that it's not polite to say it. Her reasons are perfectly valid.

WHen you have young kids, "Visits" are on hold. If parents want to come, they help. MIL wants to visit but the mother helps. Big difference and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.

+1
Young kids are physically demanding. Women are expected to do everything - do not add guests who are unhelpful and critical. If MIL wants more time, the husband should arrange for his mother to visit and squash the comments.

+1, totally agree

Do you even see the irony in this statement?

MIL, also a WOMAN, is being *expected* to come and do heavy lifting for OP, who is doing very little heavy lifting compared to many other families. Rather than take responsibility for her own family, she is limiting access based on who is going to do the most work for her. OMG - her MIL is severely obese, and therefore not physically able to do as much manual labour as her own mother.

I’d feel more sympathetic for OP if she didn’t have so much help otherwise, but she’s basically comparing workloads and allowing access to the grandchildren based on that.

OP is looking at this through a biased lens, not least of all leaning in one direction, as her MIL is obese. MIL is coming and doing what she is capable of doing, and the net worth of that is not zero.

1) This is nuts. They see MIL every other month for a weekend. That’s not limiting access. It’s actually quite frequent.
2) You sound bitter about the fact that OP has help. Who cares?

Yes, they see MIL a lot. That's hardly "limiting." But I'm going to have over people who are helpful and genuinely want to help. It sounds like OP's mom does that. And you sound surprisingly bitter over a stranger's good fortune in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.

+1
Young kids are physically demanding. Women are expected to do everything - do not add guests who are unhelpful and critical. If MIL wants more time, the husband should arrange for his mother to visit and squash the comments.

+1, totally agree

Do you even see the irony in this statement?

MIL, also a WOMAN, is being *expected* to come and do heavy lifting for OP, who is doing very little heavy lifting compared to many other families. Rather than take responsibility for her own family, she is limiting access based on who is going to do the most work for her. OMG - her MIL is severely obese, and therefore not physically able to do as much manual labour as her own mother.

I’d feel more sympathetic for OP if she didn’t have so much help otherwise, but she’s basically comparing workloads and allowing access to the grandchildren based on that.

OP is looking at this through a biased lens, not least of all leaning in one direction, as her MIL is obese. MIL is coming and doing what she is capable of doing, and the net worth of that is not zero.

1) This is nuts. They see MIL every other month for a weekend. That’s not limiting access. It’s actually quite frequent.
2) You sound bitter about the fact that OP has help. Who cares?

Yes, they see MIL a lot. That's hardly "limiting." But I'm going to have over people who are helpful and genuinely want to help. It sounds like OP's mom does that. And you sound surprisingly bitter over a stranger's good fortune in that regard.

Sorry was responding to the PP, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, tell her that you are really only interested in her if she is willing and able to act like unpaid staff when visiting.

Also make it clear you have a problem with her obesity.

You should be free of having to worry about visits for a while.

This. I also second a pp’s question about whether your DH is okay with how often your mom is there. That would make me crazy, helpful or not!!

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a troll to me. There’s no way a person can be so self centered!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a troll to me. There’s no way a person can be so self centered!

Of course she is! She has not come back once. Not once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Seriously
Wow!!
Your mom comes because she is a housekeeper.
I guess if she got tired of that she would not be allowed to visit either.
Piece of work!!

You're insane. If her mom decided she couldn't help anymore, she would be invited every other month - just like MIL is. That's the OPPOSITE of cutting off access to the grandkids.

It sounds like the parents are very committed to having the grandparents in their lives - hence even if the visit is a lot of work - they still make time for it every other month.

Some of you are truly self-centered selfish narcissistic harpies.
The frequency of visits is predicated on the amount of so-called help the grandparents are giving , not you know we’re not available, we’re out of town, not the house is being renovated or it’s a mess, or we’ve got other company that weekend
, Or we just don’t feel like having company right now. It is solely predicated on will you help me run errands and do dishes.
Some of you hoes act like you’re the first person to drop a baby out Of your vajayjay.Oh my god it’s so much work my mother who spent all of her youth raising me and my siblings and caring for her own family of children is now required to help me run my household as payment for allowing her to develop a relationship, an emotional relationship, a familial relationship with my kids because they belong to me and they are so much work I need them to give me so much help.
GROW UP !!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jumping to the end here: people who are severely obese are not generally helpful. (They can’t get around) sitting and watching tv with the baby is a guest. Also we had an obese many. Her weight broke our chairs and two toilets. Flooded the house twice. So with a baby and toddler I would limit those visits.

SHE FLOODED THE HOUSE? AND BROKE TOILETS? Lols. What was your house made of? Straws?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the crazy MIL is out and about today.

MIL is behaving like a guest and she doesn't have to help but she also doesn't get to demand to go to OP's house as a guest with high frequency just because OP's mom is going there often to help out. If anything, OP's mom should be annoyed that she is coming and cooking meals and cleaning only to leave and have obese MIL come in to eat all the food and mess up the house.

[Anonymous]

Does DH have any sisters? We have a niece the same age as our oldest and we now have a second. MIL expects that we will need help at the same rate as her daughter and gets mad when we do not. Thankfully we live a long plane ride away. But I'm wondering if it's not just equality with OP's mom, but also trying to spend as much time with this grandbaby as others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Seriously
Wow!!
Your mom comes because she is a housekeeper.
I guess if she got tired of that she would not be allowed to visit either.
Piece of work!!

You're insane. If her mom decided she couldn't help anymore, she would be invited every other month - just like MIL is. That's the OPPOSITE of cutting off access to the grandkids.

It sounds like the parents are very committed to having the grandparents in their lives - hence even if the visit is a lot of work - they still make time for it every other month.

Some of you are truly self-centered selfish narcissistic harpies.
The frequency of visits is predicated on the amount of so-called help the grandparents are giving , not you know we’re not available, we’re out of town, not the house is being renovated or it’s a mess, or we’ve got other company that weekend
, Or we just don’t feel like having company right now. It is solely predicated on will you help me run errands and do dishes.
Some of you hoes act like you’re the first person to drop a baby out Of your vajayjay.Oh my god it’s so much work my mother who spent all of her youth raising me and my siblings and caring for her own family of children is now required to help me run my household as payment for allowing her to develop a relationship, an emotional relationship, a familial relationship with my kids because they belong to me and they are so much work I need them to give me so much help.
GROW UP !!!

THE.OP.IS.FAKE. - stop taking the bait!