Reply to How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I'd be curious how far away your MIL and mom live.  I'd assume MIL lives a few hours' drive away- given the weekend visits?

I think everyone is being FAR too hard on you.  The fact is, people are closer to some family members and enjoy their visits more, vs. some family members who we might love but not get along with so well and can be a trial to spend time with. I'm not sure the reason matters.   Whether it is because you just don't "mesh", because a family member is critical or a poor houseguest etc- it really does not matter IMO.  You are not banishing your MIL or not allowing her to see the grandkids- but you naturally want to spend less time with her because you don't enjoy her company much.  You have every right to do that (as long as MIL is still involved in the kids' lives provided she is not abusive or harmful in any way).

We spend far more time with my family than DH's, regardless of the physical distance and where we are living (which has varied greatly over the years).  Why? Because my family is loving and supportive and we have a great relationship.  DH has a strained relationship with his (and that has been the case since before we even met), ILs disapprove of him/me/and our marriage as a whole and have made that clear multiple times.  They also criticize our parenting (not in small tolerable ways, but on big stuff) and create drama and trash us to other family members whenever we disappoint them in some way, or something is not to their liking.  Of course we spend far more time with my family!  ILs get brief obligatory visits and that is it.  I feel zero guilt about this.  Fortunately, your situation is far less dramatic!!  But the nature of it is the same..

What I'd do:  (1) stop telling MIL about how much time your mom spends at your home- you don't need to broadcast how much your mom helps (2) talk to DH- where is he in all of this?? can he take time off when she comes, or take the kids- once old enough- to visit her by himself on occasion? (3) be tolerant of MIL when she is there- there are lots of tips and tricks and ways to do this- leave baby with her while you run errands, ask her to watch kids after bedtime while you and DH go out etc.  Also, schedule things for yourself when DH is home with her- no need for both of you to be there all of the time.  Go to bed early claiming to be tired because of the baby (which is probably true anyway).  Etc etc. (4) be open to MIL and don't write her off just because she isn't great at chasing little ones.  Many grandparents are not- this is not entirely uncommon (5) talk to DH about MILs criticism and how it makes you feel.  Ask him to talk to her about this ONCE, and in a nice clear but firm way.  See if the criticism doesn't decrease.  DH needs to keep on top of her and this behavior IMO.[/quote]

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