How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Family who frequently stays overnight is just that--family. Family helps. If they wanted to be treated like guests, don't visit so damn much.

Where does it say that the MIL wants to be treated like a guest? All I see is the OP complaining that MIL doesn't go far above and beyond like OP's own mom. And its not suprising that with such a codependent relationship, OP is going to prefer her own mom. Where is DH in all this? I'm guessing he's a classic Beta who is not allowed to have any opinions, down to the color of his shirt.

Um, people who do nothing but hold the baby and criticize--at clearly stated in the original post--aren't helping, they're making extra work for the host: extra cleaning, extra food, extra emotional and mental energy of having to make small talk and fend off parenting critcisms from literally Armchair Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Family who frequently stays overnight is just that--family. Family helps. If they wanted to be treated like guests, don't visit so damn much.

Where does it say that the MIL wants to be treated like a guest? All I see is the OP complaining that MIL doesn't go far above and beyond like OP's own mom. And its not suprising that with such a codependent relationship, OP is going to prefer her own mom. Where is DH in all this? I'm guessing he's a classic Beta who is not allowed to have any opinions, down to the color of his shirt.

Um, people who do nothing but hold the baby and criticize--at clearly stated in the original post--aren't helping, they're making extra work for the host: extra cleaning, extra food, extra emotional and mental energy of having to make small talk and fend off parenting critcisms from literally Armchair Grandma.

Its not fair to compare MIL to OP's mom, who by all accounts is Dobby the house elf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Family who frequently stays overnight is just that--family. Family helps. If they wanted to be treated like guests, don't visit so damn much.

Where does it say that the MIL wants to be treated like a guest? All I see is the OP complaining that MIL doesn't go far above and beyond like OP's own mom. And its not suprising that with such a codependent relationship, OP is going to prefer her own mom. Where is DH in all this? I'm guessing he's a classic Beta who is not allowed to have any opinions, down to the color of his shirt.

Um, people who do nothing but hold the baby and criticize--at clearly stated in the original post--aren't helping, they're making extra work for the host: extra cleaning, extra food, extra emotional and mental energy of having to make small talk and fend off parenting critcisms from literally Armchair Grandma.

Its not fair to compare MIL to OP's mom, who by all accounts is Dobby the house elf.

+1

I’m doubtful even OP herself does all that her mother does.

I WAH and watch DD, and I certainly don’t do it all , plus weekends away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You're conflating two things:

It's not MIL's fault that she's obese and can't physically do all the things that your mother does.

However no one should criticize your parenting or household.

Perhaps your husband can address the latter with her, but not the former.

+1

You're also citing your mother's extraordinary help as some sort of standard by which others should act, which is ridiculous. OP, it is NOT ok for your MIL to criticize you, and that needs to be addressed with her by your husband. However, you also shouldn't dole out your time to people based on how helpful they are. We have some relatives that aren't helpful at all, but that doesn't mean we're going to drop them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Family who frequently stays overnight is just that--family. Family helps. If they wanted to be treated like guests, don't visit so damn much.

Where does it say that the MIL wants to be treated like a guest? All I see is the OP complaining that MIL doesn't go far above and beyond like OP's own mom. And its not suprising that with such a codependent relationship, OP is going to prefer her own mom. Where is DH in all this? I'm guessing he's a classic Beta who is not allowed to have any opinions, down to the color of his shirt.

Um, people who do nothing but hold the baby and criticize--at clearly stated in the original post--aren't helping, they're making extra work for the host: extra cleaning, extra food, extra emotional and mental energy of having to make small talk and fend off parenting critcisms from literally Armchair Grandma.

Its not fair to compare MIL to OP's mom, who by all accounts is Dobby the house elf.

I think your comment is funny, but I'm not comparing MIL to OP's mom, or to anyone.

Stand-alone fact: Family visitors who want to visit frequently when there are young children in the household need to help, or at least not be an added burden. Full stop. If you can't pitch in, you need to at least stay out of the way (as in, don't criticize the parenting of the DIL you are visiting.) MIL in this case is clearly not a helper, which is fine...what's not fine is that her commentary and frequent visits make her an added burden. (You have to at least provide guests with clean towels and sheets and clean up a bit before and after their visits, there are extra mouths to feed and extra groceries to buy, so even the most basic of hosting is--hosting!)

[Anonymous]

I think most of you are all crazy. I have the reverse problem. My MIL is extremely helpful with the kids, helps around the house, and generally takes care of herself when visiting. She does not expect us to entertain her. She lives 2.5 hours away. My mother lives a 2-3 hour flight away. When she comes, she thinks she is on vacation and wants us to make her meals and entertain her. She is not particularly helpful with the kids. I work full time. It’s very difficult and exhausting to come home, feed 2 kids, prepare meals for visiting family for days to a week, clean up after them, and get kids to bed. I do it every time they visit but it is very frustrating that my mom is so unhelpful and often acts helpless. After both babies were born, she wanted to come visit right away so she could “help.” Really, she just wanted to feel important so she could tell people she was there to see her daughter and grandkid. I made her wait at least a month both times to visit but my MIL was there within days to a week both times. She stayed for a week and was so helpful. I have no idea how we would have made it through that period both times. I could not have managed my mom and 2 kids while recovering from child birth. Yes, families should make time for both sets of grandparents to see the kids. However, overnight guests staying with families that have small children need to be mindful of the burden they may create. This woman doesn’t need to be equal with how often the grandparents visit.

[Anonymous]

My mom bought a house and moved nearby in retirement so she could be here and help us during the hard, early years. My MIL is upset that my mom gets more access to the kids. There's not really a solution here. We could either tell MIL to come more often, but she doesn't want to. I think she really just wants my mom to not be so helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of you are all crazy. I have the reverse problem. My MIL is extremely helpful with the kids, helps around the house, and generally takes care of herself when visiting. She does not expect us to entertain her. She lives 2.5 hours away. My mother lives a 2-3 hour flight away. When she comes, she thinks she is on vacation and wants us to make her meals and entertain her. She is not particularly helpful with the kids. I work full time. It’s very difficult and exhausting to come home, feed 2 kids, prepare meals for visiting family for days to a week, clean up after them, and get kids to bed. I do it every time they visit but it is very frustrating that my mom is so unhelpful and often acts helpless. After both babies were born, she wanted to come visit right away so she could “help.” Really, she just wanted to feel important so she could tell people she was there to see her daughter and grandkid. I made her wait at least a month both times to visit but my MIL was there within days to a week both times. She stayed for a week and was so helpful. I have no idea how we would have made it through that period both times. I could not have managed my mom and 2 kids while recovering from child birth. Yes, families should make time for both sets of grandparents to see the kids. However, overnight guests staying with families that have small children need to be mindful of the burden they may create. This woman doesn’t need to be equal with how often the grandparents visit.

Well, you have the same problem, just with your mom not your MIL.

[Anonymous]

I think what OP is trying to say isn't that she doesn't like her MIL or that her MIL *SHOULD* be helping with all the childcare. I think she's simply pointing out that if someone wants to visit frequently when she has an infant and a toddler, they need to be helpful. Can you imagine having weekend guests six times a year that create more work for you instead of less when you have an infant and a toddler?! We have a similar situation, although my mom doesn't visit as much, but she comes about every other month and stays with us for a week. She also helps take care of my toddler, will help with cooking dinner, and will help me and my husband have a night out while she's there. If I'm cooking dinner for the family, I can ask her to make sure my daughter is okay. Shes family, there is a level of comfort, and her visits make things easier, not harder. (I would add I wouldn't expect her to do dream feeds, but the fact that OP is getting some sleep is great! I don't think we should judge her because her mom is willing to help her get a full night's sleep once in a while).

My MIL on the other hand, is a good person, but is extremely formal and not good with kids. When they visit the house needs to be spotless and we need to have planned all the meals etc. She also believes in different parenting philosophies and she and my FIL don't mind telling us so. Also, my daughter doesn't like them - I really don't know why! I really do try to make sure that they get to spend time. So they consistently comment that she is shy and attached to us, when she is the kind of kid that will usually hug a perfect stranger. They are good people, and I'm sure my daughter will like them more as she gets older.

but right now, if they wanted to visit for a week like my mom does. No way. I cannot take their expectations for a week. Of course OP would rather have her helpful mother there. If you want to visit often and someone has young children, you can't make life harder for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what OP is trying to say isn't that she doesn't like her MIL or that her MIL *SHOULD* be helping with all the childcare. I think she's simply pointing out that if someone wants to visit frequently when she has an infant and a toddler, they need to be helpful. Can you imagine having weekend guests six times a year that create more work for you instead of less when you have an infant and a toddler?! We have a similar situation, although my mom doesn't visit as much, but she comes about every other month and stays with us for a week. She also helps take care of my toddler, will help with cooking dinner, and will help me and my husband have a night out while she's there. If I'm cooking dinner for the family, I can ask her to make sure my daughter is okay. Shes family, there is a level of comfort, and her visits make things easier, not harder. (I would add I wouldn't expect her to do dream feeds, but the fact that OP is getting some sleep is great! I don't think we should judge her because her mom is willing to help her get a full night's sleep once in a while).

My MIL on the other hand, is a good person, but is extremely formal and not good with kids. When they visit the house needs to be spotless and we need to have planned all the meals etc. She also believes in different parenting philosophies and she and my FIL don't mind telling us so. Also, my daughter doesn't like them - I really don't know why! I really do try to make sure that they get to spend time. So they consistently comment that she is shy and attached to us, when she is the kind of kid that will usually hug a perfect stranger. They are good people, and I'm sure my daughter will like them more as she gets older.

but right now, if they wanted to visit for a week like my mom does. No way. I cannot take their expectations for a week. Of course OP would rather have her helpful mother there. If you want to visit often and someone has young children, you can't make life harder for them.

NP here. I agree with the majority of your post. One point I'd like you to consider is that your house doesn't "need" to be spotless, and you don't "need" to plan meals, and you certainly don't "need" to put up with people giving unsolicited advice. You are bending over backwards to make things the way MIL/FIL like it for visits, but that is a *choice* that you and DH are making. You can stop that. You can cut that out. You can have your house be clean *to your standard.* You can announce that meals are going to be impromptu. And you can smile blandly and say, "Huh, hmm, oh, mmm" with a tilted head and laugh a little as you go on your way if they try to give you parenting advice.

If you want to get off that ride, you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.

+1
Young kids are physically demanding. Women are expected to do everything - do not add guests who are unhelpful and critical. If MIL wants more time, the husband should arrange for his mother to visit and squash the comments.

+1, totally agree

Do you even see the irony in this statement?

MIL, also a WOMAN, is being *expected* to come and do heavy lifting for OP, who is doing very little heavy lifting compared to many other families. Rather than take responsibility for her own family, she is limiting access based on who is going to do the most work for her. OMG - her MIL is severely obese, and therefore not physically able to do as much manual labour as her own mother.

I’d feel more sympathetic for OP if she didn’t have so much help otherwise, but she’s basically comparing workloads and allowing access to the grandchildren based on that.

OP is looking at this through a biased lens, not least of all leaning in one direction, as her MIL is obese. MIL is coming and doing what she is capable of doing, and the net worth of that is not zero.

It doesn’t sounds like anyone is expecting MIL to do anything. But because she adds work (so I would argue that the net worth is negative), she can’t be accommodated as much.
And it really doesn’t matter how much help OP has. You have no idea what her workload is.
I don’t play the game of making everything completely even between by ILs and my parents. I am ten times more comfortable when my mother is visiting just because it’s my mom and since I’m a SAHM it doesn’t require time off. if MILs want to be on the same comfort level, they need to not be critical and keeping score. We have the same situation except instead of being obese, my MIL is narcisstic. It’s somewhat on the same level of obesity - is it within her control or not? She could certainly minimize the impact on us through therapy, but she chooses not to. Some aspect of obesity is by choice as well. How much is lifestyle versus genetics is not apparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most of you are all crazy. I have the reverse problem. My MIL is extremely helpful with the kids, helps around the house, and generally takes care of herself when visiting. She does not expect us to entertain her. She lives 2.5 hours away. My mother lives a 2-3 hour flight away. When she comes, she thinks she is on vacation and wants us to make her meals and entertain her. She is not particularly helpful with the kids. I work full time. It’s very difficult and exhausting to come home, feed 2 kids, prepare meals for visiting family for days to a week, clean up after them, and get kids to bed. I do it every time they visit but it is very frustrating that my mom is so unhelpful and often acts helpless. After both babies were born, she wanted to come visit right away so she could “help.” Really, she just wanted to feel important so she could tell people she was there to see her daughter and grandkid. I made her wait at least a month both times to visit but my MIL was there within days to a week both times. She stayed for a week and was so helpful. I have no idea how we would have made it through that period both times. I could not have managed my mom and 2 kids while recovering from child birth. Yes, families should make time for both sets of grandparents to see the kids. However, overnight guests staying with families that have small children need to be mindful of the burden they may create. This woman doesn’t need to be equal with how often the grandparents visit.

Well, you have the same problem, just with your mom not your MIL.

So does that mean just because someone is “family” they are entitled to visit you overnight whenever they want and as often as they want, regardless as to how that visit actually impacts your life? And they can expect all meals and someone to clean up after them? To me, that is selfish and entitled and in contradiction to the meaning of “guest in someone else’s home.” When I invite guests, I do want to entertain and take care of them. I don’t expect them to take care of my kids or do housework. However, I also get a say in when and how often I have guests. There are times in life when our schedule and routine is simply too chaotic to have overnight visitors on a regular basis. If family expects regular overnight visits, they need to be helpful so as to not overstay their welcome. My parents rights as grandparents do not override my need for sanity. I spent years in a constant state of sleep deprivation. For my own health, I have to manage and determine what commitments I can handle. I’m not about to begin worrying that I have to ensure grandparents equal overnight visits at our house every month. That is beyond unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what OP is trying to say isn't that she doesn't like her MIL or that her MIL *SHOULD* be helping with all the childcare. I think she's simply pointing out that if someone wants to visit frequently when she has an infant and a toddler, they need to be helpful. Can you imagine having weekend guests six times a year that create more work for you instead of less when you have an infant and a toddler?! We have a similar situation, although my mom doesn't visit as much, but she comes about every other month and stays with us for a week. She also helps take care of my toddler, will help with cooking dinner, and will help me and my husband have a night out while she's there. If I'm cooking dinner for the family, I can ask her to make sure my daughter is okay. Shes family, there is a level of comfort, and her visits make things easier, not harder. (I would add I wouldn't expect her to do dream feeds, but the fact that OP is getting some sleep is great! I don't think we should judge her because her mom is willing to help her get a full night's sleep once in a while).

My MIL on the other hand, is a good person, but is extremely formal and not good with kids. When they visit the house needs to be spotless and we need to have planned all the meals etc. She also believes in different parenting philosophies and she and my FIL don't mind telling us so. Also, my daughter doesn't like them - I really don't know why! I really do try to make sure that they get to spend time. So they consistently comment that she is shy and attached to us, when she is the kind of kid that will usually hug a perfect stranger. They are good people, and I'm sure my daughter will like them more as she gets older.

but right now, if they wanted to visit for a week like my mom does. No way. I cannot take their expectations for a week. Of course OP would rather have her helpful mother there. If you want to visit often and someone has young children, you can't make life harder for them.

NP here. I agree with the majority of your post. One point I'd like you to consider is that your house doesn't "need" to be spotless, and you don't "need" to plan meals, and you certainly don't "need" to put up with people giving unsolicited advice. You are bending over backwards to make things the way MIL/FIL like it for visits, but that is a *choice* that you and DH are making. You can stop that. You can cut that out. You can have your house be clean *to your standard.* You can announce that meals are going to be impromptu. And you can smile blandly and say, "Huh, hmm, oh, mmm" with a tilted head and laugh a little as you go on your way if they try to give you parenting advice.

If you want to get off that ride, you can.

PP here - Yes, if I wanted to I could ignore their criticism, you are right. And re: the parenting advice - this is what I do. At this point I usually just say, its so nice you did that for your kids, but this is how we've decided to raise Larla. The mention of their expectations and criticism though is just to make the point that their visits are less than helpful, and therefore less frequent/shorter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You better be a troll, OP. What an awful post. Your poor MIL.

Why poor MIL?

Once a month visits when all she does is park there?

I think that is plenty generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all giving OP are hard time about whatever arrangement she’s established with her mom inn regards to babysitting are out of line.

I know plenty of people who have childcare arrangements with family.

My parents neighbor, for example, watch their grandson M-F. The mom is a teacher and grandma has him from about 7am-5pm every day. Is that unfair, if this arrangement works with everyone involved? Should the other grandma be jealous?

I have one friend whose mom watched her two kids every day, too. I have another friend whose mom moved in after her father died, and provides a lot of childcare. Should the other grandma’s be jealous?

Life isn’t always equal. If OP is permitting a relationship with children and MIL, that’s fair.

I think it’s that she’s not looking at it as relationship between mil and the grandkids. She’s not willing to host mil because mil doesn’t help her as much as her mom does. That’s pretty transactional, and not how most people view family members.

But she is hosting, and fairly often. Way more than I let anyone visit us.