How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

[Anonymous]

My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

[Anonymous]

Is your dh okay with your mom basically living with you?

[Anonymous]

Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

[Anonymous]

Park your MIL in front of the TV with the baby and take the toddler out to do something fun with you alone.

[Anonymous]

So, tell her that you are really only interested in her if she is willing and able to act like unpaid staff when visiting.

Also make it clear you have a problem with her obesity.

You should be free of having to worry about visits for a while.

[Anonymous]

Tell her your mom provides a lot of unpaid labor, which you’d also be willing to accept from MIL if MIL steps up her game.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to say it, not you. Say that when your mom is there, she's not visiting, she's helping.

[Anonymous]

This is a conversation for your DH. He can tell his mom "Oh, you misunderstand. Glenda isn't "visiting" us. She comes to help with child care. We hardly get a chance to socialize with her at all."

Your MIL already knows why she isn't invited more, but instead of changing she's looking for validation. You and DH are not responsible for providing that.

Also, stop telling her about your mom's visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, tell her that you are really only interested in her if she is willing and able to act like unpaid staff when visiting.

Also make it clear you have a problem with her obesity.

You should be free of having to worry about visits for a while.

This is exactly how OP sounds! Entitled much?

[Anonymous]

You better be a troll, OP. What an awful post. Your poor MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to say it, not you. Say that when your mom is there, she's not visiting, she's slaving away and enabling you to continue to be an entitled and spoiled princess who values being waited on more than family relationships.

FIFY

[Anonymous]

You will never fix this problem.
The key is to stop telling MIL about your mom being there. DH has to avoid this as well. This will possibly help.
Start inviting MIL on outing. "MIL we are going to the zoo on Saturday and would love for you to join us!" "MIL we are going to the park on Thursday morning why don't you meet us there?"
Basically invite her to things so she has the opportunity to be part of her grandchildren's lives. If her weight prohibits this that is not on you.

[Anonymous]

You work and have a Nanny and your Mom and MIL have your kids on the weekends for you, you sound like a great parent.
How about you stop telling MIL when your Mom is there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will never fix this problem.
The key is to stop telling MIL about your mom being there. DH has to avoid this as well. This will possibly help.
Start inviting MIL on outing. "MIL we are going to the zoo on Saturday and would love for you to join us!" "MIL we are going to the park on Thursday morning why don't you meet us there?"
Basically invite her to things so she has the opportunity to be part of her grandchildren's lives. If her weight prohibits this that is not on you.

Why would anybody invite someone to an activity what will be a physical hardship for them. That idea is so cruel.

[Anonymous]

How far away does your mil live? Is she not close enough for a day visit? Perhaps have her come once a month instead of every other.