How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is being hard on OP. It’s not that she doesn’t allow MIL to visit, it’s that MIL doesn’t feel like she gets to visit as often. When OP’s mom “visits”, she isn’t just visiting but helping out with childcare, etc. so she comes more often because she’s “working”.

When I’m a grandmother, I plan to be similar to OP’s mom if I am able to, and if my DCs want me there. I don’t get the sense that OP is taking advantage, or making her mom do anything she doesn’t want to do.

MIL sees it as very black and white-she gets more time with grandkids than I do. It’s not black and white. Each relationship is different.

OP, your husband really needs to handle this. He just needs to tell his mom that your mom is there helping with childcare, she’s not on vacation.

So what if you aren’t “able to” be unpaid help? You’ll totally accept being unwelcome?

No. One. Is. Saying. She. Can't. Visit. No one is saying she's unwelcome. But she's not welcome frequently for long stretches. For a busy household with a *baby* and a small child, that's too much. That's too much of another log on the fire. Short, infrequent visits are fine. But if she wants longer, more frequent visits, she needs to either stay in a nearby hotel, or wait until the baby is older and the parents are in a better position to host-host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Dear Jean, you are useless and abhorrent looking to me, so you don't get to see your grand-kids."

"Dear Jean, you expect to be host-hosted and waited on hand and foot by parents with a baby and a young kid. If you want to visit, a hotel or a short visit in our home is best. Later on, when we have the capacity to host-host you, longer and more frequent visits will be possible."

"Dear Jean, I am a slob and can't host you for a couple of hours every two months. You wanting to hold the baby while you sit is a totally unreasonable demand, because I am worried your fat tissue will smother my baby."

Oh, I see. OP--you know, the female, the mother who just had the baby--is on the hook to provide a guest-ready house? Nice. Where are your expectations for HER HUSBAND, you know, the son MIL raised?

Oh, no expectations there. He has a penis, so he's exempt. OP's on the hook to not be a "slob" and be the perfect hostess for an unhelpful MIL.

[Anonymous]

DCUM here thinking in a nutshell:

Post: my fit and wealthy parents don’t want to spend their time with their grandchildren; they want to live their own lives!
DCUM: this is so sad, they are so selfish. Grandchildren are so precious! Shame on them!

Post: my fat MIL wants to see her grandchildren more
DCUM: this is so sad, she is so selfish. She should live her own life and leave you alone to live yours. She can see the grandchildren when you want her to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM here thinking in a nutshell:

Post: my fit and wealthy parents don’t want to spend their time with their grandchildren; they want to live their own lives!
DCUM: this is so sad, they are so selfish. Grandchildren are so precious! Shame on them!

Post: my fat MIL wants to see her grandchildren more
DCUM: this is so sad, she is so selfish. She should live her own life and leave you alone to live yours. She can see the grandchildren when you want her to!

No, I see you're trying to make it that, but it's not that.

Family who want to visit frequently and/or for long stretches need to be willing to help out. Point blank period. Criticizing your DIL while you occasionally hold a baby is not helping. Point blank period. Doesn't mean you can't see your grandchildren, doesn't mean you can't visit, just means that you need to either stay in a nearby hotel or visit less frequently/for fewer nights until the babies are older and the household has more capacity to host you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM here thinking in a nutshell:

Post: my fit and wealthy parents don’t want to spend their time with their grandchildren; they want to live their own lives!
DCUM: this is so sad, they are so selfish. Grandchildren are so precious! Shame on them!

Post: my fat MIL wants to see her grandchildren more
DCUM: this is so sad, she is so selfish. She should live her own life and leave you alone to live yours. She can see the grandchildren when you want her to!

No, I see you're trying to make it that, but it's not that.

Family who want to visit frequently and/or for long stretches need to be willing to help out. Point blank period. Criticizing your DIL while you occasionally hold a baby is not helping. Point blank period. Doesn't mean you can't see your grandchildren, doesn't mean you can't visit, just means that you need to either stay in a nearby hotel or visit less frequently/for fewer nights until the babies are older and the household has more capacity to host you.

+1 Even if the MIL was helpful, the comments she makes are enough to put a stop/reduce the visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM here thinking in a nutshell:

Post: my fit and wealthy parents don’t want to spend their time with their grandchildren; they want to live their own lives!
DCUM: this is so sad, they are so selfish. Grandchildren are so precious! Shame on them!

Post: my fat MIL wants to see her grandchildren more
DCUM: this is so sad, she is so selfish. She should live her own life and leave you alone to live yours. She can see the grandchildren when you want her to!

No, I see you're trying to make it that, but it's not that.

Family who want to visit frequently and/or for long stretches need to be willing to help out. Point blank period. Criticizing your DIL while you occasionally hold a baby is not helping. Point blank period. Doesn't mean you can't see your grandchildren, doesn't mean you can't visit, just means that you need to either stay in a nearby hotel or visit less frequently/for fewer nights until the babies are older and the household has more capacity to host you.

+1 Even if the MIL was helpful, the comments she makes are enough to put a stop/reduce the visits.

Except, OP or the troll had no cause to say, MIL is obese and to even post a single thing about her servant mother. OP is nasty. "My MIL just wants to hold the baby when she comes and sit and watch TV. She is also critical of me."

[Anonymous]

I don't want to read any more posts on DCUM blasting people who criticize those who estrange themselves from their parents for stupid reasons. This post explains why we think you are entitled, immature, and spoiled.

[Anonymous]

The obese found this thread.

[Anonymous]

Nope, I am OP's biggest critic and I am less than 120lbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to read any more posts on DCUM blasting people who criticize those who estrange themselves from their parents for stupid reasons. This post explains why we think you are entitled, immature, and spoiled.

It is not "estranging" anyone to not want to host-host for long/frequent visits while you have young babies in the house. No one is saying this MIL should not visit, or be part of the baby's life!

If she wants to visit, she may--as a guest, because guests aren't expected to help. Those visits are less frequent/for fewer days when you have the very real pressure and demands of a baby in the household. When the baby is older and the parents can more easily get into host-host mode, MIL can visit more frequently and for longer stays.

But NOW, when there is a baby in the equation, she can either stay in a nearby hotel, or visit less frequently/for fewer days, so as not to put a strain on already hard-working parents with a baby and a young child.

Don't try to make it about anything more than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to read any more posts on DCUM blasting people who criticize those who estrange themselves from their parents for stupid reasons. This post explains why we think you are entitled, immature, and spoiled.

It is not "estranging" anyone to not want to host-host for long/frequent visits while you have young babies in the house. No one is saying this MIL should not visit, or be part of the baby's life!

If she wants to visit, she may--as a guest, because guests aren't expected to help. Those visits are less frequent/for fewer days when you have the very real pressure and demands of a baby in the household. When the baby is older and the parents can more easily get into host-host mode, MIL can visit more frequently and for longer stays.

But NOW, when there is a baby in the equation, she can either stay in a nearby hotel, or visit less frequently/for fewer days, so as not to put a strain on already hard-working parents with a baby and a young child.

Don't try to make it about anything more than that.

OP MIL is "allowed to come once every 2 months." For a close by person, certainly seems like a ton of time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to read any more posts on DCUM blasting people who criticize those who estrange themselves from their parents for stupid reasons. This post explains why we think you are entitled, immature, and spoiled.

It is not "estranging" anyone to not want to host-host for long/frequent visits while you have young babies in the house. No one is saying this MIL should not visit, or be part of the baby's life!

If she wants to visit, she may--as a guest, because guests aren't expected to help. Those visits are less frequent/for fewer days when you have the very real pressure and demands of a baby in the household. When the baby is older and the parents can more easily get into host-host mode, MIL can visit more frequently and for longer stays.

But NOW, when there is a baby in the equation, she can either stay in a nearby hotel, or visit less frequently/for fewer days, so as not to put a strain on already hard-working parents with a baby and a young child.

Don't try to make it about anything more than that.

OP MIL is "allowed to come once every 2 months." For a close by person, certainly seems like a ton of time!

Maybe she can come over for a meal or something, or meet up at a restaurant or what have you. Why does every visit need to be overnight/multiple days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to read any more posts on DCUM blasting people who criticize those who estrange themselves from their parents for stupid reasons. This post explains why we think you are entitled, immature, and spoiled.

It is not "estranging" anyone to not want to host-host for long/frequent visits while you have young babies in the house. No one is saying this MIL should not visit, or be part of the baby's life!

If she wants to visit, she may--as a guest, because guests aren't expected to help. Those visits are less frequent/for fewer days when you have the very real pressure and demands of a baby in the household. When the baby is older and the parents can more easily get into host-host mode, MIL can visit more frequently and for longer stays.

But NOW, when there is a baby in the equation, she can either stay in a nearby hotel, or visit less frequently/for fewer days, so as not to put a strain on already hard-working parents with a baby and a young child.

Don't try to make it about anything more than that.

OP MIL is "allowed to come once every 2 months." For a close by person, certainly seems like a ton of time!

Maybe she can come over for a meal or something, or meet up at a restaurant or what have you. Why does every visit need to be overnight/multiple days?

Because she knows the other grandma is getting way more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to read any more posts on DCUM blasting people who criticize those who estrange themselves from their parents for stupid reasons. This post explains why we think you are entitled, immature, and spoiled.

It is not "estranging" anyone to not want to host-host for long/frequent visits while you have young babies in the house. No one is saying this MIL should not visit, or be part of the baby's life!

If she wants to visit, she may--as a guest, because guests aren't expected to help. Those visits are less frequent/for fewer days when you have the very real pressure and demands of a baby in the household. When the baby is older and the parents can more easily get into host-host mode, MIL can visit more frequently and for longer stays.

But NOW, when there is a baby in the equation, she can either stay in a nearby hotel, or visit less frequently/for fewer days, so as not to put a strain on already hard-working parents with a baby and a young child.

Don't try to make it about anything more than that.

OP MIL is "allowed to come once every 2 months." For a close by person, certainly seems like a ton of time!

Maybe she can come over for a meal or something, or meet up at a restaurant or what have you. Why does every visit need to be overnight/multiple days?

Because she knows the other grandma is getting way more time.

then dont tell her. problem solved. Just be vague - she is not IRS to count days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to read any more posts on DCUM blasting people who criticize those who estrange themselves from their parents for stupid reasons. This post explains why we think you are entitled, immature, and spoiled.

It is not "estranging" anyone to not want to host-host for long/frequent visits while you have young babies in the house. No one is saying this MIL should not visit, or be part of the baby's life!

If she wants to visit, she may--as a guest, because guests aren't expected to help. Those visits are less frequent/for fewer days when you have the very real pressure and demands of a baby in the household. When the baby is older and the parents can more easily get into host-host mode, MIL can visit more frequently and for longer stays.

But NOW, when there is a baby in the equation, she can either stay in a nearby hotel, or visit less frequently/for fewer days, so as not to put a strain on already hard-working parents with a baby and a young child.

Don't try to make it about anything more than that.

OP MIL is "allowed to come once every 2 months." For a close by person, certainly seems like a ton of time!

Maybe she can come over for a meal or something, or meet up at a restaurant or what have you. Why does every visit need to be overnight/multiple days?

Because she knows the other grandma is getting way more time.

OK, and? There's a reason for that. So if she's irked about it, that's really not OP's problem.