How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

[Anonymous]

If she lives close why can't she come for an hour to "hold the baby?" What does helping you and taking care of the house and cooking have to do with it? BTW, your mom will get tired of this and she will start snapping at you pretty soon. It happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

You all giving OP are hard time about whatever arrangement she’s established with her mom inn regards to babysitting are out of line.

I know plenty of people who have childcare arrangements with family.

My parents neighbor, for example, watch their grandson M-F. The mom is a teacher and grandma has him from about 7am-5pm every day. Is that unfair, if this arrangement works with everyone involved? Should the other grandma be jealous?

I have one friend whose mom watched her two kids every day, too. I have another friend whose mom moved in after her father died, and provides a lot of childcare. Should the other grandma’s be jealous?

Life isn’t always equal. If OP is permitting a relationship with children and MIL, that’s fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

Most people don’t require help as part of a visit with family. I get that she sounds difficult, but she’s your husband’s mother, and if she’s able, it’s not unreasonable to have her visit more than once every two months. It sounds like you have plenty of help between the nanny and your mom. Let her come and spend time with dh and the kids. You can use that time to do your own errands and such.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound very nice, OP.
While it's very nice from your mom to help out, it's not mandatory to do so when you're a member of the family.

Your MIL is obese and can't keep up but maybe she can bring something else that will make your kid(s) happy. Look at it this way and you'll be happier.

And when she criticizes, tell her you can't tolerate it. These people need to hear it out loud because quite often no one will dare tell them it's wrong. Just say it and get it off your chest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she lives close why can't she come for an hour to "hold the baby?" What does helping you and taking care of the house and cooking have to do with it? BTW, your mom will get tired of this and she will start snapping at you pretty soon. It happens all the time.

+1

Instead of having her come for a whole weekend, why can't she come over and rock the baby for a while? You could take your toddler to do something fun while MIL is snuggling with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all giving OP are hard time about whatever arrangement she’s established with her mom inn regards to babysitting are out of line.

I know plenty of people who have childcare arrangements with family.

My parents neighbor, for example, watch their grandson M-F. The mom is a teacher and grandma has him from about 7am-5pm every day. Is that unfair, if this arrangement works with everyone involved? Should the other grandma be jealous?

I have one friend whose mom watched her two kids every day, too. I have another friend whose mom moved in after her father died, and provides a lot of childcare. Should the other grandma’s be jealous?

Life isn’t always equal. If OP is permitting a relationship with children and MIL, that’s fair.

I think it’s that she’s not looking at it as relationship between mil and the grandkids. She’s not willing to host mil because mil doesn’t help her as much as her mom does. That’s pretty transactional, and not how most people view family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all giving OP are hard time about whatever arrangement she’s established with her mom inn regards to babysitting are out of line.

I know plenty of people who have childcare arrangements with family.

My parents neighbor, for example, watch their grandson M-F. The mom is a teacher and grandma has him from about 7am-5pm every day. Is that unfair, if this arrangement works with everyone involved? Should the other grandma be jealous?

I have one friend whose mom watched her two kids every day, too. I have another friend whose mom moved in after her father died, and provides a lot of childcare. Should the other grandma’s be jealous?

Life isn’t always equal. If OP is permitting a relationship with children and MIL, that’s fair.

No, your childcare arrangements shouldn’t have a bearing on when her MIL can visit. She’s equating visits with labour, and that’s where the problem lies. She is valuing people being indentured servants rather than just being s present grandparent.

I wonder if OP would Like her mother as much if she broke a leg, or otherwise falls ill and can no longer raise her children for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

Most people don’t require help as part of a visit with family. I get that she sounds difficult, but she’s your husband’s mother, and if she’s able, it’s not unreasonable to have her visit more than once every two months. It sounds like you have plenty of help between the nanny and your mom. Let her come and spend time with dh and the kids. You can use that time to do your own errands and such.

Yeah, OP isn't hurting for childcare. How much help do you need?

[Anonymous]

You're conflating two things:

It's not MIL's fault that she's obese and can't physically do all the things that your mother does.

However no one should criticize your parenting or household.

Perhaps your husband can address the latter with her, but not the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You're conflating two things:

It's not MIL's fault that she's obese and can't physically do all the things that your mother does.

However no one should criticize your parenting or household.[i]

Perhaps your husband can address the latter with her, but not the former.

My guess is that the relationship is strained at best, as OP can’t even hide her disdain over her MILs obesity and lack of servitude in a single post. My guess is ANYTHING MIL does is an issue with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she lives close why can't she come for an hour to "hold the baby?" What does helping you and taking care of the house and cooking have to do with it? BTW, your mom will get tired of this and she will start snapping at you pretty soon. It happens all the time.

+1

Instead of having her come for a whole weekend, why can't she come over and rock the baby for a while? You could take your toddler to do something fun while MIL is snuggling with the baby.

But then who will do the dishes, the laundry, all the Dream feeds, and clean out the pantry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never fix this problem.
The key is to stop telling MIL about your mom being there. DH has to avoid this as well. This will possibly help.
Start inviting MIL on outing. "MIL we are going to the zoo on Saturday and would love for you to join us!" "MIL we are going to the park on Thursday morning why don't you meet us there?"
Basically invite her to things so she has the opportunity to be part of her grandchildren's lives. If her weight prohibits this that is not on you.

Why would anybody invite someone to an activity what will be a physical hardship for them. That idea is so cruel.

Because she is complaining that she doesn't get to spend more time with her grandkids. I have a mother like this. The only thing that ever got her to stop complaining was to inundate her with opportunities. My coping mechanism was to include activities that she would have to turn down. This way it wasn't me not offering but rather her saying no. We also invite her to things that she can and does take part of. If you have nice normal parents it is hard to understand how stressful and draining it can be to have a parent or in-law that is manipulative and/or like to play the martyr. In response to your comment that it is cruel to invite some to something they can't go to..no it is not cruel to invite them. It is cruel to constantly complain and criticize your DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never fix this problem.
The key is to stop telling MIL about your mom being there. DH has to avoid this as well. This will possibly help.
Start inviting MIL on outing. "MIL we are going to the zoo on Saturday and would love for you to join us!" "MIL we are going to the park on Thursday morning why don't you meet us there?"
Basically invite her to things so she has the opportunity to be part of her grandchildren's lives. If her weight prohibits this that is not on you.

Why would anybody invite someone to an activity what will be a physical hardship for them. That idea is so cruel.

Because she is complaining that she doesn't get to spend more time with her grandkids. I have a mother like this. The only thing that ever got her to stop complaining was to inundate her with opportunities. My coping mechanism was to include activities that she would have to turn down. This way it wasn't me not offering but rather her saying no. We also invite her to things that she can and does take part of. If you have nice normal parents it is hard to understand how stressful and draining it can be to have a parent or in-law that is manipulative and/or like to play the martyr. In response to your comment that it is cruel to invite some to something they can't go to..no it is not cruel to invite them. It is cruel to constantly complain and criticize your DIL.

And it’s cruel to continually exclude a relative who is interested because they don’t want to act like an indentured servant, mostly because of their physical health.

If MIL had, let’s say MS, or severe rheumatoid arthritis, would you not think it was cruel to invite her to these kinds of outings? You just think it’s okay because she’s obese.

[Anonymous]

I despise my MIL and wouldn’t care if she complained about not being able to visit as much as my mom. My MIL forgets she isn’t my son’s mother and tries to override my parenting decisions. If she would back off and actually be nice, she would get to visit more often.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m not going to jump on you, but you really should re-read your post. I am the same way-I could have written this in that I am often blind/selfish to others’ feelings when I can only see how things benefit me. Admitting that to myself was very hard and I’m honestly not sure how I got to be that person. But I am working on it and can see more clearly now how I sound and act. Although maybe not-notice how this is all about me

What I’m trying to say is that you need to take a step back and honestly realize that you are viewing both your mom and your MIL in a transactional sense. Nowhere in your post do you acknowledge that MIL is upset she is missing out on bonding with her grandkids and wants more. Nor do you acknowledge that your mom is also building a wonderful relationship with her grandkids in between working for you. You seem stuck on what they can give you in return for access to your children. You are headed for a lonely future if you don’t fix your thinking. MIL shouldn’t have to be more helpful than your mom to have more time with her grandkids.