How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

[Anonymous]

My MIL has physical issues so she really can't help out a lot or chase DS around the house. But she comes and does arts and crafts. Snuggles and watches a movie. Just spends time with DS. My mom is much more like OPs mom. The thing is I don't expect it. I'm glad DS had a relationship with both grandmas, I don't care if one relationship is more beneficial to me.

You just sound like an ungrateful B.

[Anonymous]

Wait - you have a quid pro quo for grandparents to visit?

Lovely.

[Anonymous]

The only cure for this is to stop telling your MIL about how much time your mom spends with the kids. Honestly. Your DH needs to get on board too. No amount of rationalizing and explaining will do ANYTHING other than stoke her deep fear that she is Not Loved The Most.

My MIL is like this too. She is a loving grandmother and I encourage her relationship with my kids. But she just misses the mark a lot of the time when it comes to bonding. But my kids are little and I know this will get a bit better when they aren't toddlers. I want my kids to have a good relationship with her! But all she sees is: What is the OTHER GRANDMA DOING? It's nuts because it hurts my relationship with her more than anything else.

So we just stopped telling her. My DH agreed his mother was irrational. So a lot of this falls to him. He just mentions things we do and leaves out if my mother is there or not.

To get ahead of negative comments: my mother lives 10 minutes away and my MIL is about an hour. So obviously her visits require a bit more planning. Which is fine! But she doesn't see it that way....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

You can tell her and you should. I went through something very similar with my mom and MIL and my DH and I would beat around the bush about it, make excuses for why my mom bbsat more or visited more, but MIL only got more and more miffed until my FIL confronted my DH about it. Well, once DH made it clear how helpful my mom was and how instead of being helpful MIL actually created more work and stress at our place, they got the picture.

[Anonymous]

You sound lovely. As the mother of sons, is there anything I can do while raising them to not have them marry a woman like this?

[Anonymous]

You sound terrible, honestly. Also, your MIL and your mom are not your slaves, do your own crap. How entitled. The minute I saw the "obese" and cannot keep up with our toddler post, I knew you were an a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to say it, not you. Say that when your mom is there, she's not visiting, she's slaving away and enabling you to continue to be an entitled and spoiled princess who values being waited on more than family relationships.

FIFY

This. You sound awful, OP. Why have children at all? When do YOU parent exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound lovely. As the mother of sons, is there anything I can do while raising them to not have them marry a woman like this?

Seriously. OPs post is horrific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

So you base relationship intensity on what they can do for you?

[Anonymous]

OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound very nice, OP.
While it's very nice from your mom to help out, it's not mandatory to do so when you're a member of the family.

Your MIL is obese and can't keep up but maybe she can bring something else that will make your kid(s) happy. Look at it this way and you'll be happier.

And when she criticizes, tell her you can't tolerate it. These people need to hear it out loud because quite often no one will dare tell them it's wrong. Just say it and get it off your chest.

Important to bear in mind here that we only have OP's version of this story. Obese grandma could be someone who weighs 400 pounds and struggles with mobility, or she could be . ... (gasp) someone who wears a size 12. The fact that OP doesn't like fat people who watch TV and considers grandma to be such could be purely a reflection of some issues that OP is dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this time is about you, DH and your baby. And what you are comfortable with as a new mother. It isn't a time to worry about a negative, emotional draining family member, even if she happens to be a grandmother. You can't change your MIL - she got to raise her family her own way and she is who she is.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have spent those precious years when DC was younger trying to figure out how to make MIL happy. Nothing was ever enough and it was EXHAUSTING. Looking back, the conversation revolved around MIL's feelings and what she felt entitled to. It was never about DH and me as new parents, how we were doing and what kind of support we actually needed.

I hope things get better for you.

Yes, OP and her DH are clearly drowning With having a nanny, and a mother who appears to be doing 75% of weekend care including overnights, Dream feeds, And household chores. Heaven forbid should she have to parent her own toddler for an hour so MIL can snuggle the baby

[Anonymous]

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

Apart from your MIL being critical of you, which is a problem, it sounds like you are a user and you despise your MIL. You sound extremely young and selfish. I suggest you get off your high horse.

[Anonymous]

Just say you don’t have time for social visits more than once a month right now. Your mom is different because she comes over for childcare and cleaning the whole time, not just to see the baby. If she was coming to see the baby then it would just be once a month too, sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP - YOU don't tell her anything, your DH does. If he agrees with you. But you sound shallow.

He gets an equal say, btw