How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

[Anonymous]

I think people are being way too hard on OP. Do you remember what it's like to have a new baby? You're exhausted. You need help. Having overnight houseguests means extra work - a person who needs to be fed, entertained, needs clean sheets and towels, requires you to get dressed in the morning, cover up during breastfeeding, etc. It's totally reasonable to limit houseguests when you have a new baby and are exhausted. OP's mom helps out a ton so it offsets the extra work of having an overnight guest, which is why OP doesn't mind her visiting more.

My experience was similar - my mom came for several weeks after DS was born and did dishes, laundry, and two overnights with DS when I was at the end of my rope. My MIL came for a week, and she basically chilled on the couch and sometimes held the baby while I took on extra cooking and cleaning and organizational tasks to accommodate her. That's ok for an occasional visit, and it's worth it to spend time with her and have her meet her grandson, but if she wanted to come stay with us multiple times a month or complained that my mom sees DS more I would feel the same as OP.

My advice is similar to others - don't volunteer that your mother sees the kids more, and embrace the limited ways that she can help (e.g. let her hold the baby while you take the toddler to the park or unload the dishwasher). If she keeps pushing it, explain that your mom isn't visiting, she's babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is being hard on OP. It’s not that she doesn’t allow MIL to visit, it’s that MIL doesn’t feel like she gets to visit as often. When OP’s mom “visits”, she isn’t just visiting but helping out with childcare, etc. so she comes more often because she’s “working”.

When I’m a grandmother, I plan to be similar to OP’s mom if I am able to, and if my DCs want me there. I don’t get the sense that OP is taking advantage, or making her mom do anything she doesn’t want to do.

MIL sees it as very black and white-she gets more time with grandkids than I do. It’s not black and white. Each relationship is different.

OP, your husband really needs to handle this. He just needs to tell his mom that your mom is there helping with childcare, she’s not on vacation.

So what if you aren’t “able to” be unpaid help? You’ll totally accept being unwelcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is being hard on OP. It’s not that she doesn’t allow MIL to visit, it’s that MIL doesn’t feel like she gets to visit as often. When OP’s mom “visits”, she isn’t just visiting but helping out with childcare, etc. so she comes more often because she’s “working”.

When I’m a grandmother, I plan to be similar to OP’s mom if I am able to, and if my DCs want me there. I don’t get the sense that OP is taking advantage, or making her mom do anything she doesn’t want to do.

MIL sees it as very black and white-she gets more time with grandkids than I do. It’s not black and white. Each relationship is different.

OP, your husband really needs to handle this. He just needs to tell his mom that your mom is there helping with childcare, she’s not on vacation.

So what if you aren’t “able to” be unpaid help? You’ll totally accept being unwelcome?

You are being dramatic. If I was not able to help out, I would come for short, occasional visits and try not to impose/create extra work for my children and their spouses. That right there is the difference. OP did not say that MIL is unwelcome, she just doesn’t want her there as often or for as long, and I don’t blame her! If my mom or MIL were stressful to host, I would want to host them as little as possible. Why don’t you get that??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

So you only want family to visit if they can cook, clean, babysit and perform other menial tasks by your bidding? Got it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

So you only want family to visit if they can cook, clean, babysit and perform other menial tasks by your bidding? Got it!

Np here.

You are dense. If I have little kids, don't come to my house expecting to be waited on. Princess behavior is not tolerated. Also if you're a pain in the ass, count on the fact that you won't be invited as much as someone who isn't. Often the worst thing a person can do is to treat someone else like family. People throw basic etiquitte out the door "because family".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

So you only want family to visit if they can cook, clean, babysit and perform other menial tasks by your bidding? Got it!

NP here. When there are very small babies and children in the house? Actually, YEAH. And Carolyn Hax or any advice columnist would sign off on that, believe me.

If you can't pitch in when there are babies in the house, you need to either stay in a hotel, or stay only one or two nights very infrequently. Because family needs to help to make visits work when the parents are dealing with small kids--parents of young kids are not in a position to host-host, so don't impose on them if you can't or don't want to help.

When the kids are older, it's a little different, but not much. Busy families with working parents (and yes, I'm counting SAHPs with younger kids as working parents) do not need to be imposed on for host-hosting too often. Sometimes, but not much.

Want to be treated like family, who gets lots of kid time and gets to visit often? Pitch in. Can't or don't want to pitch in? You're a guest, and guests don't get to visit frequently or for long stays.

[Anonymous]

What does “host-host” or “host-hosting” mean in the last post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never fix this problem.
The key is to stop telling MIL about your mom being there. DH has to avoid this as well. This will possibly help.
Start inviting MIL on outing. "MIL we are going to the zoo on Saturday and would love for you to join us!" "MIL we are going to the park on Thursday morning why don't you meet us there?"
Basically invite her to things so she has the opportunity to be part of her grandchildren's lives. If her weight prohibits this that is not on you.

Why would anybody invite someone to an activity what will be a physical hardship for them. That idea is so cruel.

I am obese. I can go to a park or a zoo. Seriously, you don’t invite fat people to things because you assume they can’t move their bodies at all? Just because a heavyset grandmother can’t run after a toddler doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy an outing to the park.

Like a lot of things, there is a spectrum of obesity, if you will.

If you are too obese to run after my 2yo, you are not taking my 2yo anywhere unsupervised. Because that would not be safe. If you can safely watch my child, that would be so appreciated. But I'm a realist, and if it's not safe to leave my child with you, it doesn't matter if you are my sister, my mom, my aunt, or my MIL. It's not happening. And if you are so obese that you can't help with housework and child care, then perhaps you should not visit frequently until my children are old enough that we are in a better place to host-host visitors.

My dad has lung cancer and is quite sedentary these days. I will be sure to let him know he is unwelcome since he cannot help with dishes.

[Anonymous]

"Dear Jean, you are useless and abhorrent looking to me, so you don't get to see your grand-kids."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL comes and visits one weekend every other month. She’s unhappy with this as my mother spends a lot of time here. Probably 1-3 weeks a month, and it’s because she’s actually helpful.

My mom will cook for us, help clean, watch our toddler during the weekend, stays up with our infant and does dream feeds. She allows us to go on weekend trips and stays the night so we don’t have to pay the nanny to spend the night at our house.

DHs mom is severely obese and can’t keep up with our toddler. When she’s here all she wants to do is sit and rock the baby while watching tv. She’s critical of me and my parent and it’s an emotional drain when she’s here.

I can’t just tell MIL that I prefer my mom being here to her because my moms actually helpful.

But she’s mentioned numerous times to me and DH that she doesn’t think it’s fair my mom gets to spend so much time with our kids and she doesn’t.

I don’t think she gets it? I don’t know what else to tell her but the truth. You aren’t helpful.

So you only want family to visit if they can cook, clean, babysit and perform other menial tasks by your bidding? Got it!

NP here. When there are very small babies and children in the house? Actually, YEAH. And Carolyn Hax or any advice columnist would sign off on that, believe me.

If you can't pitch in when there are babies in the house, you need to either stay in a hotel, or stay only one or two nights very infrequently. Because family needs to help to make visits work when the parents are dealing with small kids--parents of young kids are not in a position to host-host, so don't impose on them if you can't or don't want to help.

When the kids are older, it's a little different, but not much. Busy families with working parents (and yes, I'm counting SAHPs with younger kids as working parents) do not need to be imposed on for host-hosting too often. Sometimes, but not much.

Want to be treated like family, who gets lots of kid time and gets to visit often? Pitch in. Can't or don't want to pitch in? You're a guest, and guests don't get to visit frequently or for long stays.

Exactly this. The pps who don’t understand this are either dense or entitled MILs who think they should get equal grandkid time but don’t want to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Dear Jean, you are useless and abhorrent looking to me, so you don't get to see your grand-kids."

"Dear Jean, you expect to be host-hosted and waited on hand and foot by parents with a baby and a young kid. If you want to visit, a hotel or a short visit in our home is best. Later on, when we have the capacity to host-host you, longer and more frequent visits will be possible."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does “host-host” or “host-hosting” mean in the last post?

It means we make fresh dinners for you every night (no leftovers), clean up all meals without your help, buy special foods that you like to eat, "red carpet" hosting.

Vs. visiting family where you can ask your mom to put together a salad while you run downstairs to throw some laundry in; or you can ask your MIL to take Billy out in the backyard for a bit while you put dinner together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are being way too hard on OP. Do you remember what it's like to have a new baby? You're exhausted. You need help. Having overnight houseguests means extra work - a person who needs to be fed, entertained, needs clean sheets and towels, requires you to get dressed in the morning, cover up during breastfeeding, etc. It's totally reasonable to limit houseguests when you have a new baby and are exhausted. OP's mom helps out a ton so it offsets the extra work of having an overnight guest, which is why OP doesn't mind her visiting more.

My experience was similar - my mom came for several weeks after DS was born and did dishes, laundry, and two overnights with DS when I was at the end of my rope. My MIL came for a week, and she basically chilled on the couch and sometimes held the baby while I took on extra cooking and cleaning and organizational tasks to accommodate her. That's ok for an occasional visit, and it's worth it to spend time with her and have her meet her grandson, but if she wanted to come stay with us multiple times a month or complained that my mom sees DS more I would feel the same as OP.

My advice is similar to others - don't volunteer that your mother sees the kids more, and embrace the limited ways that she can help (e.g. let her hold the baby while you take the toddler to the park or unload the dishwasher). If she keeps pushing it, explain that your mom isn't visiting, she's babysitting.

I agree with you- but OP's tone sounded judgmental and that is what people are responding to. A nanny + mom who appears to take on 50% of childrearing and calling her MIL obese. Young children are exhausting, especially when we're working full time, and most of us didn't have access to anything close this level of help from a relative. Weekend trips, help with dream feeds? What is that??

I agree with the other pps a) don't mention how often mom visits/stays and b) if it comes up, state that mom isn't visiting, she's babysitting. But yes- MIL probably thinks that OP's mom is visiting more because she can't imagine anyone agreeing to act as an unpaid on-call nanny.

[Anonymous]

9 pages and OP never came back after the first post. You all are just fighting amongst yourselves with details you are making up at this point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Dear Jean, you are useless and abhorrent looking to me, so you don't get to see your grand-kids."

"Dear Jean, you expect to be host-hosted and waited on hand and foot by parents with a baby and a young kid. If you want to visit, a hotel or a short visit in our home is best. Later on, when we have the capacity to host-host you, longer and more frequent visits will be possible."

"Dear Jean, I am a slob and can't host you for a couple of hours every two months. You wanting to hold the baby while you sit is a totally unreasonable demand, because I am worried your fat tissue will smother my baby."