Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet they're just 20 weeks pregnant and she's due late September but will be delivering earlier due to issues.

I got pregnant with my first dd and received terrible news at the sixteen week scan. It uncovered pretty severe issues and we didn't think the baby would survive. I didn't want anyone to know and judge me. My mil told me once that she thought most miscarriages were really abortions. At twenty four weeks the heart holes had fixed themselves and we felt safe the baby would make it. Holy shit you'd think I'd committed a crime the way people behaved towards me. Friends and coworkers were angry. I had people decide we weren't happy about being pregnant and didn't want it. Friends were miffed they weren't told sooner. People generally were assholes. My coworkers were the worst.

slightly similar story. I was putting off annoucing until the 20 week anatomy scan - my closest friends and one sister only knew. then the anatomy scan turned up an issue that was not resolved until 25 weeks. took me another week or two to get it together to tell my parents and more distant siblings in person. coworkers knew by then, of course.

Yeah people don't get it that you can lose babies and that not all is okay after 12 weeks. Most birth defects are found after then. I had a potters syndrome baby who was incompatible with life due to kidneys. It was painful and hard but private between dh and I. I technically had an abortion for my baby who wouldn't have survived outside the womb and I paid out of pocket since insurance wouldn't cover it. Try explaining a 2nd tri abortion to family and friends. Lots of judgement. And we desperately wanted the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
They sound perfectly normal to me, OP.

Showers are stupid. Announcements should only be made when the parents are ready. What's the big deal?

Did you write that with a straight face?
It is EXTREMELY weird that brother didn't mention it. No, it's not about the OP and OP knows that but y'all need to stop acting like this is normal behavior. It's not.

[Anonymous]

Pregnancy is so intensely personal. How dare ANYONE on this board declare what is normal and what is not??? For a bunch of people who sure love to preach about boundaries, you all are crossing a whole lot of them, by even clucking about this couple behind their back. Seriously, those of you saying this isn’t “normal” should be ashamed of yourselves and your gall. There is no normal. It’s not about OP in even the tiniest shred. Get a life and move on, all of you.

[Anonymous]

I had a very late loss and this isn’t normal. It’s fine- they can and should do what they want and feel most comfortable with, but it’s outside the usual behavior of most. It’s not a huge deal or a horrible thing to acknowledge the fact that this couple chose a route that most do not. Presumably they had their reasons.

[Anonymous]

It is not a normal happy family if you have not told the grandparents-to-be by six months. It doesn’t mean that people can’t have reasons to do that, but it is not the sign of a decent relationship.

The no-visitors-for-a-week thing is perfectly okay.

[Anonymous]

I've had multiple miscarriages and a still birth - no live births yet. I am currently pregnant and over 5 months. I haven't told any family or friends even yet bc I just don't know, and I really don't want any more pity or kid gloves dealings. Please respect that your SIL might be dealing with something that you don't know about, and maybe she doesn't want family to know for whatever reason. She is obviously going through something (prior miscarriages, scan showed something, marriage problems, or other issues), so if you love her like family, show your love through respecting her.

[Anonymous]

She is 5 months pregnant. So technically they just did disclose the pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had multiple miscarriages and a still birth - no live births yet. I am currently pregnant and over 5 months. I haven't told any family or friends even yet bc I just don't know, and I really don't want any more pity or kid gloves dealings. Please respect that your SIL might be dealing with something that you don't know about, and maybe she doesn't want family to know for whatever reason. She is obviously going through something (prior miscarriages, scan showed something, marriage problems, or other issues), so if you love her like family, show your love through respecting her.

But when you make the announcement would it be via text in response to a discussion about a bbq?

[Anonymous]

We had a late loss at 22 weeks. So for the next pregnancy we didn’t tell my Parents and MIL/FIl until 15 wks. We told my sister about that time. We didn’t tell DH’s brothers until 26 wks when we told parents they could share the news with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had multiple miscarriages and a still birth - no live births yet. I am currently pregnant and over 5 months. I haven't told any family or friends even yet bc I just don't know, and I really don't want any more pity or kid gloves dealings. Please respect that your SIL might be dealing with something that you don't know about, and maybe she doesn't want family to know for whatever reason. She is obviously going through something (prior miscarriages, scan showed something, marriage problems, or other issues), so if you love her like family, show your love through respecting her.

But when you make the announcement would it be via text in response to a discussion about a bbq?

No, but I could see my DH doing something foolish like that considering he texted something similar when I pregnant a second time. He texted something to his cousin that we couldn't use the Redskins tickets bc I had really bad morning sickness which outed me to the family and we hadn't yet told anyone. I had family at my door by the end of the week and it was awful having to explain to my MIL who I don't feel close to why I hadn't told her about either pregnancy bc I just didn't want to and needed to process things on my own time (yes I'm in therapy). She got mad at us, and it was just awful for a while. DH learned not to announce by mistake anymore.

We did tell family at 7 months for the case that ended in our still birth, and after that our families have been respectful as they saw the pain and probably experienced it themselves. Especially telling them that that was our 5th loss.

OP's brother made a mistake, and OP's SIL is dealing with something that she might want to deal with alone at this time. There are introverts and extroverts, and people need different things. Respect is all anyone asks for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not a normal happy family if you have not told the grandparents-to-be by six months. It doesn’t mean that people can’t have reasons to do that, but it is not the sign of a decent relationship.

The no-visitors-for-a-week thing is perfectly okay.

Yup. No visitors I get but literally not disclosing til 6 month mark? Weird af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had multiple miscarriages and a still birth - no live births yet. I am currently pregnant and over 5 months. I haven't told any family or friends even yet bc I just don't know, and I really don't want any more pity or kid gloves dealings. Please respect that your SIL might be dealing with something that you don't know about, and maybe she doesn't want family to know for whatever reason. She is obviously going through something (prior miscarriages, scan showed something, marriage problems, or other issues), so if you love her like family, show your love through respecting her.

But when you make the announcement would it be via text in response to a discussion about a bbq?

NP - exactly
I haven't told family till after the 20 weeks scan; I also never had a shower and I still find this to be weird and unusual
If this is something you are keeping a secret you don't mention it casually on a minor pretext

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had multiple miscarriages and a still birth - no live births yet. I am currently pregnant and over 5 months. I haven't told any family or friends even yet bc I just don't know, and I really don't want any more pity or kid gloves dealings. Please respect that your SIL might be dealing with something that you don't know about, and maybe she doesn't want family to know for whatever reason. She is obviously going through something (prior miscarriages, scan showed something, marriage problems, or other issues), so if you love her like family, show your love through respecting her.

But when you make the announcement would it be via text in response to a discussion about a bbq?

NP - exactly
I haven't told family till after the 20 weeks scan; I also never had a shower and I still find this to be weird and unusual
If this is something you are keeping a secret you don't mention it casually on a minor pretext

The brother made the mistake - the SIL was not involved in the text from my comprehension. I use the word mistake because it is their joint news and I'm sure she didn't intend to be it to be shared the way it was. It could be for different reason than my own (multiple losses) as someone suggested it could be marital troubles, or something else we don't know - I for one can think of lots of crazy backstories that probably aren't true. Just because brother texted/said something/took some action, didn't mean SIL knew about it or wanted it to occur.

Yes, it really is just weird, and to me when I see weird I think there must be a why that explains the weird that I just don't have the answer to - and I don't need to know the answer as it's not my place unless you want me to know. I've had friends and family go through a range of stuff, so my goal is to try and be respectful and supportive as much as I can while still not being overbearing/need to know their business in any way. It is very hard rope to walk there and I admit sometimes I screw up b/c I'm human, as we all are. I think the biggest thing I see here is that OP needs to think about why her brother and SIL might be handling their pregnancy differently than she did, and while it is not what she'd do, she should be supportive even if it's weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet they're just 20 weeks pregnant and she's due late September but will be delivering earlier due to issues.

I got pregnant with my first dd and received terrible news at the sixteen week scan. It uncovered pretty severe issues and we didn't think the baby would survive. I didn't want anyone to know and judge me. My mil told me once that she thought most miscarriages were really abortions. At twenty four weeks the heart holes had fixed themselves and we felt safe the baby would make it. Holy shit you'd think I'd committed a crime the way people behaved towards me. Friends and coworkers were angry. I had people decide we weren't happy about being pregnant and didn't want it. Friends were miffed they weren't told sooner. People generally were assholes. My coworkers were the worst.

slightly similar story. I was putting off annoucing until the 20 week anatomy scan - my closest friends and one sister only knew. then the anatomy scan turned up an issue that was not resolved until 25 weeks. took me another week or two to get it together to tell my parents and more distant siblings in person. coworkers knew by then, of course.

Yeah people don't get it that you can lose babies and that not all is okay after 12 weeks. Most birth defects are found after then. I had a potters syndrome baby who was incompatible with life due to kidneys. It was painful and hard but private between dh and I. I technically had an abortion for my baby who wouldn't have survived outside the womb and I paid out of pocket since insurance wouldn't cover it. Try explaining a 2nd tri abortion to family and friends. Lots of judgement. And we desperately wanted the baby.

I agree. And while it's a bit of a casual way to share the news, not everyone wants to make a big announcement. Not telling people until 20 weeks suggests that they have a history of losses, or that there are some issues with this pregnancy that are making them delay sharing the news.

[Anonymous]

OP, if they don't want showers or a registry or others making a big deal before the baby is actually born...after seeing your experience they may have decided to keep pregnancy quiet as long as humanly possible to avoid any surprise showers etc...

Especially if there have been complications or infertility issues before. I know people who have done this as well, especially if the family is super extroverted and likes to throw parties for everything. Or doesn't respect what others want and don't want.

Yes, BIL not telling at least your parents is odd, but I assume they have their reasons and it might be awkward to expalin. But ask them if you want to know!