Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all 8 pages but wanted to say that I would have preferred not to tell any family about my pregnancy. If I hadn't been visibly pregnant at Christmas I might have tried not to tell. I hadn't experienced a loss but was very conflicted about getting pregnant at all, and hated the way everyone stared at me and talked about my body. I knew that MIL, in particular, would be nosy and invasive. I am otherwise close to my family and talk to parents and ILs every week.

Same. I just HATE talking about my pregnancy. I'm 37 weeks pregnant now and can't WAIT to be done so no one can openly talk about my body again like this.

Do you guys have a history of eating disorders or general dislike of your body pre pregnancy? Sounds like you do

2nd pp. I don't. I even loved my body pregnant. My coworker came in this morning talking about how big I am and kept saying "Wow, wow" regarding my stomach and I want to run and hide. Wish I could call in sick daily. I think I'm just not used to people commenting on me physically constantly.

I don't mean to sound nasty, but you might want to grow a thicker skin. Having a child invites all kinds of commentary that you'll need to let go or you'll seriously hate life.

Not the pp, but being pregnant doesn't make it ok for people to comment on someone's body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I texted my brother the other day asking if they will be in town for Labor Day because I’m planning on hosting a barbecue.

My brother texted back saying they will, but his wife is due around that time. I haven’t seen my SIL in 3 months and has no idea they were pregnant. I congratulated my brother and he just said “thanks!” I asked my brother if I could throw SIL a baby shower and he said no, she’s not into that kind of thing, nor do they have a registry. My brother also said they aren’t planning on having any family see the baby until they’ve been home for a week, which I understand but it also seems a little extreme.

I’m happy for my brother. When I had DS, I had 3 baby showers and my brother and SIL came to see DS while in the hospital. I was hoping I would get to experience the same close-ness with their baby, (my future niece or nephew), but clearly they don’t want any involvement and want to keep things private.

I called my Mom and SHE had no idea they were pregnant either! It just seems odd to be nearly 6 months pregnant and not telling anyone?? This is their first child.

Not odd at all. Most people mind their own business, and expect others, upon learning news, would respect their privacy. And a week is not too ‘extreme’ to visit a new family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all 8 pages but wanted to say that I would have preferred not to tell any family about my pregnancy. If I hadn't been visibly pregnant at Christmas I might have tried not to tell. I hadn't experienced a loss but was very conflicted about getting pregnant at all, and hated the way everyone stared at me and talked about my body. I knew that MIL, in particular, would be nosy and invasive. I am otherwise close to my family and talk to parents and ILs every week.

Same. I just HATE talking about my pregnancy. I'm 37 weeks pregnant now and can't WAIT to be done so no one can openly talk about my body again like this.

Do you guys have a history of eating disorders or general dislike of your body pre pregnancy? Sounds like you do

Speaking of another’s physical attributes violates the individual’s dignity. Pregnancy does not grant society the permission to discuss a woman’s body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all 8 pages but wanted to say that I would have preferred not to tell any family about my pregnancy. If I hadn't been visibly pregnant at Christmas I might have tried not to tell. I hadn't experienced a loss but was very conflicted about getting pregnant at all, and hated the way everyone stared at me and talked about my body. I knew that MIL, in particular, would be nosy and invasive. I am otherwise close to my family and talk to parents and ILs every week.

Same. I just HATE talking about my pregnancy. I'm 37 weeks pregnant now and can't WAIT to be done so no one can openly talk about my body again like this.

Do you guys have a history of eating disorders or general dislike of your body pre pregnancy? Sounds like you do

Speaking of another’s physical attributes violates the individual’s dignity. Pregnancy does not grant society the permission to discuss a woman’s body.

Relax, you’ll live longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, infertility, miscarriages and difficult pregnancies are widely discussed, and you STILL DON'T GET why they might not be sharing this news in a "normal way"? And you broke THEIR news to your mom?

You ignorant, selfish cow.

Oh shut it. Clearly the brother wasn't treating the information as something special that he wanted to share with the mom himself. Who knows when the family would have found out if op hadn't scheduled a BBQ on Labor Day? I went through the whole infertility journey myself for years. We were careful about telling family when I finally did get pregnant, but we certainly didn't share it over text as an afterthought like op's brother did.

Be sure to think that all family dynamics are close, supportive, loving and relatively easy, just because yours are.

Clearly op thought they had a normal, healthy close family dynamic. That's exactly the point. This is not how people behave in a normal, relatively close family. It's not about what I think, it's about what op understood her family relationship to be, and that the brother is acting in a way that is counter to that.

You really need to broaden your horizons, PP. The range of normal will blow your mind.

nah, I agree. I am a PP who didn't fully "announce" until 26-27 weeks. It was absolutely due to poor relationships. Those I was close to knew. Hiding a pregnancy until 6 months is not done in the context of a healthy, close family. Maybe if there was some sort of severe uncertainty about viability from the beginning - but even then, you would tell *someone.*

You don't know that they didn't tell *someone*, all any of us know is that they didn't tell the sister and mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making something not about you sooo about you. Do you tend to do that? Your answer may be somewhere in there.

+1

Now is not the time to start caring about how the family is included. This is your broker and his wife? She’s having a baby? You just congratulate them, be low-key supportive and play along with whatever her requests are. I can promise you sil gives 0 cares about how you’re feeling right now.

But isn't that the problem? Everyone is accusing OP of making everything about herself, but when did it become ok for prospective parents to make everything about themselves? I have a feeling that OP's SIL is going to be posting here in a year or so about how sad she is that her IL's don't spend time with her child the way they do with SIL's children. Well, there's a reason for that.

I'm a sort of high-functioning introvert, so I get wanting some privacy, but "I'm an introvert" has become an excuse for being rude and selfish and not making any effort to include your family in your life until it suits you. And then complain about how they don't jump when you call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making something not about you sooo about you. Do you tend to do that? Your answer may be somewhere in there.

+1

Now is not the time to start caring about how the family is included. This is your broker and his wife? She’s having a baby? You just congratulate them, be low-key supportive and play along with whatever her requests are. I can promise you sil gives 0 cares about how you’re feeling right now.

But isn't that the problem? Everyone is accusing OP of making everything about herself, but when did it become ok for prospective parents to make everything about themselves? I have a feeling that OP's SIL is going to be posting here in a year or so about how sad she is that her IL's don't spend time with her child the way they do with SIL's children. Well, there's a reason for that.

I'm a sort of high-functioning introvert, so I get wanting some privacy, but "I'm an introvert" has become an excuse for being rude and selfish and not making any effort to include your family in your life until it suits you. And then complain about how they don't jump when you call.

Based on what OP has said, I highly doubt that. It's the brother and SIL's decision to share or not share, and the when and how. OP doesn't have any role in it. That's where she stepped out of bounds. She can feel hurt but she can't use her hurt feelings to justify sharing someone else's news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making something not about you sooo about you. Do you tend to do that? Your answer may be somewhere in there.

+1

Now is not the time to start caring about how the family is included. This is your broker and his wife? She’s having a baby? You just congratulate them, be low-key supportive and play along with whatever her requests are. I can promise you sil gives 0 cares about how you’re feeling right now.

But isn't that the problem? Everyone is accusing OP of making everything about herself, but when did it become ok for prospective parents to make everything about themselves? I have a feeling that OP's SIL is going to be posting here in a year or so about how sad she is that her IL's don't spend time with her child the way they do with SIL's children. Well, there's a reason for that.

I'm a sort of high-functioning introvert, so I get wanting some privacy, but "I'm an introvert" has become an excuse for being rude and selfish and not making any effort to include your family in your life until it suits you. And then complain about how they don't jump when you call.

Well, it IS about themselves at the moment as at this point there is no actual baby, and it is the SIL Who is experiencing the pregnancy. The baby is theoretical in many ways, and SIL deserves to have her pregnancy her way.

Personally, I’m one of the people that loved being pregnant, but hated the way it seemed to make people think they could pry into my life. Was I puking? Did I have hemorrhoids yet? OMG, swollen feet and other weird things. Then the gory birth stories would invetiably come. No one wanted to just let me enjoy my pregnancy - I had to listen to their horror stories and empathize how hard pregnancy was (although mine wasn’t). I really kept mine under wraps as much as I could after the first few experiences.

[Anonymous]

Not the OP, but thanks to everyone who mentioned that the couple could have had a history of pregnancy loss and/or infertility. I was the same way, but I adopted. Didn't tell extended family until baby was home. Man, did I get crap from family. Some were angry that I didn't tell them that I was going thorugh the adoption process. One day I said to an uncle "Well, do all your other nieces and nephews tell you when they are trying to conceive through unprotected sex?". It shut him up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And that's the attitude that results in people not sharing things with you.

My family is so darn gossipy and dsyfunctional that I assume every word that comes out of my mouth, or any observations about my appearance make the rounds immediately.

Which is why I didn't tell them when we were trying to get pregnant.

DH's family is like this. If you say something to his parents or his sister, assume that it will make the rounds. Add in a dose of competitiveness. And they wonder why MILs sisters don't tell them things about their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making something not about you sooo about you. Do you tend to do that? Your answer may be somewhere in there.

+1

Now is not the time to start caring about how the family is included. This is your broker and his wife? She’s having a baby? You just congratulate them, be low-key supportive and play along with whatever her requests are. I can promise you sil gives 0 cares about how you’re feeling right now.

But isn't that the problem? Everyone is accusing OP of making everything about herself, but when did it become ok for prospective parents to make everything about themselves? I have a feeling that OP's SIL is going to be posting here in a year or so about how sad she is that her IL's don't spend time with her child the way they do with SIL's children. Well, there's a reason for that.

I'm a sort of high-functioning introvert, so I get wanting some privacy, but "I'm an introvert" has become an excuse for being rude and selfish and not making any effort to include your family in your life until it suits you. And then complain about how they don't jump when you call.

Frankly, keeping my business to myself does not express rudeness or selfishness. I don’t call my family, and I have never expected them to jump. I have spoken to my mother 3 times since 1989.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are making something not about you sooo about you. Do you tend to do that? Your answer may be somewhere in there.

+1

Now is not the time to start caring about how the family is included. This is your broker and his wife? She’s having a baby? You just congratulate them, be low-key supportive and play along with whatever her requests are. I can promise you sil gives 0 cares about how you’re feeling right now.

But isn't that the problem? Everyone is accusing OP of making everything about herself, but when did it become ok for prospective parents to make everything about themselves? I have a feeling that OP's SIL is going to be posting here in a year or so about how sad she is that her IL's don't spend time with her child the way they do with SIL's children. Well, there's a reason for that.

I'm a sort of high-functioning introvert, so I get wanting some privacy, but "I'm an introvert" has become an excuse for being rude and selfish and not making any effort to include your family in your life until it suits you. And then complain about how they don't jump when you call.

Frankly, keeping my business to myself does not express rudeness or selfishness. I don’t call my family, and I have never expected them to jump. I have spoken to my mother 3 times since 1989.

Well, I wouldn't use you as the standard for a healthy relationship with one's parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all 8 pages but wanted to say that I would have preferred not to tell any family about my pregnancy. If I hadn't been visibly pregnant at Christmas I might have tried not to tell. I hadn't experienced a loss but was very conflicted about getting pregnant at all, and hated the way everyone stared at me and talked about my body. I knew that MIL, in particular, would be nosy and invasive. I am otherwise close to my family and talk to parents and ILs every week.

Same. I just HATE talking about my pregnancy. I'm 37 weeks pregnant now and can't WAIT to be done so no one can openly talk about my body again like this.

Do you guys have a history of eating disorders or general dislike of your body pre pregnancy? Sounds like you do

Speaking of another’s physical attributes violates the individual’s dignity. Pregnancy does not grant society the permission to discuss a woman’s body.

While I can certainly agree and respect that stance, I’ve always had a hard time understanding the dismay around people commenting on one’s belly when pregnant; I never took offense when people told me I looked like I was carrying a giant watermelon or basketball (ha); that’s a normal, natural part of pregnancy. I imagine that the person who would take offense is maybe less laid back or more sensitive than average. At the same time, I would never mention someone’s appearance when pregnant if there weren’t a level of closeness between us, and ONLY if they initiated the interaction, because I understand it can be intrusive and unwelcome for many people.

[Anonymous]

Yes, they excluded you. Their business is none of yours.