Brother and SIL didn’t disclose pregnancy. Feeling like they are excluding family?

[Anonymous]

This isn't about you and what you want or what you did. STOP making it about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, wait, wait... YOU broke the baby news to your mom? Nope, that's against the rules! I don't care if your SIL is waddling around your house 7 months pregnant; no one gets to tell other family members about the pregnancy except the expecting couple!

Wrong. OP has an obligation to her mother. Can you imagine if OP's mom didn't find out until after the baby was born, and OP had to admit that she knew and ALSO kept it from mom like her a$$hole brother did? It is bad enough that she found out so late, and anyone who doesn't protect their mother from that kind of pain and humiliation is a terrible child.

You have got to be kidding me.

Who gets ~humiliated~ because their adult child chose to not disclose a pregnancy? Perhaps people should consider how their behavior impacts their relationship with their family and in laws.

Nobody has a right to know except the parents and who the mothers doctor is. Nobody is entitled to know what’s going on with your body.

That's an f'ed up view on family. Do you think it's normal to hide a pregnancy from your parents and siblings?

How are they "hiding" the pregnancy? By not having a huge announcement, baby showers, gender reveal parties, etc? Ugh.

As someone who had my share of losses, had to deal with grieving said losses while dealing with unfortunate comments from my family, not to mention I am very introverted, I too waited to share my pregnancy news. Until you have walked in these shoes, don't judge. From my experience, it is my information to share when I want, how I want. The thing is, my siblings were over the moon excited for me, not wondering how the news impacted them. A lesson it seems OP should learn...

The baby is due in three months. They didn't intentionally share the information, they only told op because it conflicted with an event she was planning to host. I would be very sad if my sibling so nonchalantly shared such important news, and at the same time didn't inform our parents. I had my share of infertility and miscarriages myself - I get keeping the information quiet for a while. But no, this is not a normal way of relating to siblings and parents, and I understand op being upset.

But you haven't heard the brother's side of the story.

Maybe there is reason to keep things quiet.

[Anonymous]

Apart from wondering when they would have told me, I personally wouldn't be offended by any of it - not seeing baby until a week after birth, no showers... I did the same thing! No interest in showers and my worst nightmare would have been people in the hospital.

So, don't mind it, OP. They are more private and introverted than you, and that's perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

I bet they're just 20 weeks pregnant and she's due late September but will be delivering earlier due to issues.

I got pregnant with my first dd and received terrible news at the sixteen week scan. It uncovered pretty severe issues and we didn't think the baby would survive. I didn't want anyone to know and judge me. My mil told me once that she thought most miscarriages were really abortions. At twenty four weeks the heart holes had fixed themselves and we felt safe the baby would make it. Holy shit you'd think I'd committed a crime the way people behaved towards me. Friends and coworkers were angry. I had people decide we weren't happy about being pregnant and didn't want it. Friends were miffed they weren't told sooner. People generally were assholes. My coworkers were the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, dcum has the most unnatural, unhealthy views on family relations.

Your brother and his wife's handling of this pregnancy is as weird as weird can get. It is beyond bizarre.

The only normal thing about the whole thing is you calling your mom and asking if she knew.

Your poor mom.

This is as weird as eff.

Totally agree! I'm so shocked at how many people think OP's reaction is off! WTH? Do you all have terrible family relationships? Sorry, but not sharing this news is a sign that you do not hold your family in close regard and that seems to be what is upsetting OP, and rightly so, if she didn't know her brother felt this way about the family before now. Many of the reason others are posting about why they may be acting this way are absolutely spot on... but in many families some of those reasons would be why you call family first and right away. It sounds like OP didn't realize her brother wasn't close to the family until just now. So yeah, it would hurt a lot to find out this way. Frankly, this isn't about the baby ... its about OP realizing her brother doesn't view family the way the rest of them do.

I don't believe OP has come back to answer any questions yet, so yes, while it's not typical, I don't think we can assume OP's brother is in the wrong here. It's possible he's distanced himself from a dysfunctional family and they only speak every few months as a formality.

If they are the kind of family that is having bbqs together, they are not a family that never talks.

[Anonymous]

It is weird if your family sees them often. And you talk often. So, do you? Does your brother talks to you weekly, daily, etc? Did you just see him and SIl last week? How often he calls mom and visits? if you are getting together all the time, and talk on the phone a lot, it is weird. On the other hand, if YOU never call him, he never calls you. You haven't seen him since January, then it is not weird and you are not close. If you never call him either, then pick up the phone and call him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've never lost a baby have you OP? It seems your brother and sil aren't so lucky. Have some compassion.

And I dont let people visit my babies until we've been home 2 weeks! That is my bonding time.

You sound weak. I hosted 30 relatives when my son was 5 days old. Granted it was just take out -but still

Here's your cookie! Run along now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, infertility, miscarriages and difficult pregnancies are widely discussed, and you STILL DON'T GET why they might not be sharing this news in a "normal way"? And you broke THEIR news to your mom?

You ignorant, selfish cow.

Oh shut it. Clearly the brother wasn't treating the information as something special that he wanted to share with the mom himself. Who knows when the family would have found out if op hadn't scheduled a BBQ on Labor Day? I went through the whole infertility journey myself for years. We were careful about telling family when I finally did get pregnant, but we certainly didn't share it over text as an afterthought like op's brother did.

Be sure to think that all family dynamics are close, supportive, loving and relatively easy, just because yours are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've never lost a baby have you OP? It seems your brother and sil aren't so lucky. Have some compassion.

And I dont let people visit my babies until we've been home 2 weeks! That is my bonding time.

You sound weak. I hosted 30 relatives when my son was 5 days old. Granted it was just take out -but still

NP. You don't sound happy, though, while the PP you were insulting and I, both introverts who value their private time, are perfectly happy and don't care what anyone thinks. In fact, we pity you for thinking in terms of who is weak and who is strong. Hint: it's not the way you think

[Anonymous]

They sound perfectly normal to me, OP.

Showers are stupid. Announcements should only be made when the parents are ready. What's the big deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, dcum has the most unnatural, unhealthy views on family relations.

Your brother and his wife's handling of this pregnancy is as weird as weird can get. It is beyond bizarre.

The only normal thing about the whole thing is you calling your mom and asking if she knew.

Your poor mom.

This is as weird as eff.

Totally agree! I'm so shocked at how many people think OP's reaction is off! WTH? Do you all have terrible family relationships? Sorry, but not sharing this news is a sign that you do not hold your family in close regard and that seems to be what is upsetting OP, and rightly so, if she didn't know her brother felt this way about the family before now. Many of the reason others are posting about why they may be acting this way are absolutely spot on... but in many families some of those reasons would be why you call family first and right away. It sounds like OP didn't realize her brother wasn't close to the family until just now. So yeah, it would hurt a lot to find out this way. Frankly, this isn't about the baby ... its about OP realizing her brother doesn't view family the way the rest of them do.

I don't believe OP has come back to answer any questions yet, so yes, while it's not typical, I don't think we can assume OP's brother is in the wrong here. It's possible he's distanced himself from a dysfunctional family and they only speak every few months as a formality.

If they are the kind of family that is having bbqs together, they are not a family that never talks.

But they are the kind of family that doesn't see each other for months at a time despite living in the same town, suggesting that they are not a close family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, infertility, miscarriages and difficult pregnancies are widely discussed, and you STILL DON'T GET why they might not be sharing this news in a "normal way"? And you broke THEIR news to your mom?

You ignorant, selfish cow.

Oh shut it. Clearly the brother wasn't treating the information as something special that he wanted to share with the mom himself. Who knows when the family would have found out if op hadn't scheduled a BBQ on Labor Day? I went through the whole infertility journey myself for years. We were careful about telling family when I finally did get pregnant, but we certainly didn't share it over text as an afterthought like op's brother did.

Be sure to think that all family dynamics are close, supportive, loving and relatively easy, just because yours are.

Clearly op thought they had a normal, healthy close family dynamic. That's exactly the point. This is not how people behave in a normal, relatively close family. It's not about what I think, it's about what op understood her family relationship to be, and that the brother is acting in a way that is counter to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet they're just 20 weeks pregnant and she's due late September but will be delivering earlier due to issues.

I got pregnant with my first dd and received terrible news at the sixteen week scan. It uncovered pretty severe issues and we didn't think the baby would survive. I didn't want anyone to know and judge me. My mil told me once that she thought most miscarriages were really abortions. At twenty four weeks the heart holes had fixed themselves and we felt safe the baby would make it. Holy shit you'd think I'd committed a crime the way people behaved towards me. Friends and coworkers were angry. I had people decide we weren't happy about being pregnant and didn't want it. Friends were miffed they weren't told sooner. People generally were assholes. My coworkers were the worst.

slightly similar story. I was putting off annoucing until the 20 week anatomy scan - my closest friends and one sister only knew. then the anatomy scan turned up an issue that was not resolved until 25 weeks. took me another week or two to get it together to tell my parents and more distant siblings in person. coworkers knew by then, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, infertility, miscarriages and difficult pregnancies are widely discussed, and you STILL DON'T GET why they might not be sharing this news in a "normal way"? And you broke THEIR news to your mom?

You ignorant, selfish cow.

Oh shut it. Clearly the brother wasn't treating the information as something special that he wanted to share with the mom himself. Who knows when the family would have found out if op hadn't scheduled a BBQ on Labor Day? I went through the whole infertility journey myself for years. We were careful about telling family when I finally did get pregnant, but we certainly didn't share it over text as an afterthought like op's brother did.

Be sure to think that all family dynamics are close, supportive, loving and relatively easy, just because yours are.

Clearly op thought they had a normal, healthy close family dynamic. That's exactly the point. This is not how people behave in a normal, relatively close family. It's not about what I think, it's about what op understood her family relationship to be, and that the brother is acting in a way that is counter to that.

You really need to broaden your horizons, PP. The range of normal will blow your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, infertility, miscarriages and difficult pregnancies are widely discussed, and you STILL DON'T GET why they might not be sharing this news in a "normal way"? And you broke THEIR news to your mom?

You ignorant, selfish cow.

Oh shut it. Clearly the brother wasn't treating the information as something special that he wanted to share with the mom himself. Who knows when the family would have found out if op hadn't scheduled a BBQ on Labor Day? I went through the whole infertility journey myself for years. We were careful about telling family when I finally did get pregnant, but we certainly didn't share it over text as an afterthought like op's brother did.

Be sure to think that all family dynamics are close, supportive, loving and relatively easy, just because yours are.

Clearly op thought they had a normal, healthy close family dynamic. That's exactly the point. This is not how people behave in a normal, relatively close family. It's not about what I think, it's about what op understood her family relationship to be, and that the brother is acting in a way that is counter to that.

You really need to broaden your horizons, PP. The range of normal will blow your mind.

nah, I agree. I am a PP who didn't fully "announce" until 26-27 weeks. It was absolutely due to poor relationships. Those I was close to knew. Hiding a pregnancy until 6 months is not done in the context of a healthy, close family. Maybe if there was some sort of severe uncertainty about viability from the beginning - but even then, you would tell *someone.*