Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

[Anonymous]

OP has already given the in-laws a standing invitation to visit. The next step if for the in-laws to ask about a specific time/date. It's not OP's responsibility to arrange everything.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

OP, I'm sorry you're not getting the sympathy you want. I guess I don't see that your unhappiness with your in-laws is deserved on their part. They are not mind readers. If you want your husband's parents to be more involved then you are going to have to be more proactive and welcoming to them to make that happen. One way for you to make it easier for yourself is to ask your in-laws for help. You may have to go out of your way to be accommodating. The kids and I would love to see you. Would you be interested in coming down next Tuesday? You could spend the night in our guest room and then on Wednesday you could take the kids to the zoo. It would be a special treat and they would love the break from day care!

That’s lovely and all but do you actually do this when your husband is deployed? I would be resentful AF to have to cater and be proactive and welcoming to retired grandparents when I’m barely getting an hour to myself for months on end.

Yeah, that is stupid. Why on earth would the GPs come during the week? That isn't giving OP a break at ALL. some of you are ridiculous with your expectations for this overloaded mom struggling alone.

NP and although I agree weekend help would be better for OP, what exactly is so hard about inviting grandparents to the house to stay overnight and take the kids for the day? Those aren't ridiculous expectations for OP. It's literally an email and opening the door to the grandparents when they arrive, it doesn't get easier than that.

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids? Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP.

I just went through this with a deployed dh for 9 months. My in laws are local and older and lovely if a little clueless. I packed dd a bag and snacks and gave instructions and was able to leave her at their house for a couple hours at a time towards he end of the deployment. We started with them coming to our house for a couple hours and I would run an errand or just go for coffeee. They still can’t feed her a non snack meal by themselves or put her to bed but will happily play for 3 hrs and are managing with potty training too. It was a lot of work with frequent visits so they and dd would get used to eqch other. And it paid off. Now dd doesn’t notice when I leave and is super content to hang out with them and they feel confident. It depends if it’s worth it to you to build that relationship between your children and grandparents because it won’t build itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has already given the in-laws a standing invitation to visit. The next step if for the in-laws to ask about a specific time/date. It's not OP's responsibility to arrange everything.

Many, many, many people do not take a vague "Oh, come anytime," as an actual invitation, and think that inviting yourself to someone else's home is rude. OP should just offer a couple of dates that work for her--a concrete invitation. If she could use some babysitting help, she should call and tell them when and ask if they'd like to watch the kids. This is not that hard. OP wants to whine and complain that everything is on her, but she's literally doing NOTHING. And they didn't even complain to her, they complained to (it sounds like) their own daughter. OP never calls them, but somehow they are supposed to know how they can help? It's 100 percent fine for OP to say that she can't drive the kids over to the in-laws' house, and that if they want to see the grandkids, they need to come to her, but otherwise, she's being silly. People aren't mind readers.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why are all of you giving this woman yet another thing to do? She's managing the kids and working! Her DH should have set this up before he left because it is HIS family. OP - first decide what involvement you want from your in-laws. Some people would be thrilled with this arrangement. Then, if you do want involvement, get your DH on board and have him contact them.

He's not in Cleveland for a week, he's deployed overseas. The communications are a bit different.

OP, my husband isn't military but has a similar travel schedule for work. During the months he is abroad, I manage my in-laws roughly the same as DH and I would if he were home in terms of initiating phone calls and inviting them for visits. It's not for my benefit it (it's just an extra chore for me) but for my kids so that their father's work doesn't interfere with them developing relationships with their extended family.

But are you also working full time?

I feel like the in laws should be thinking about ways to support OP, rather than OP taking on another obligation. It’s hard to imagine someone with more on their plate than her.

Yes, I do work full-time. Yes, it is another thing on my plate, another chore on my to do list, but this is part and parcel with being married to someone who has my DH’s kind of job so I do it. I’m not a martyr to it, though, I time invitations for when it’s convenient for me (and especially for times when I could use extra childcare help, not having to arrange a b ch of sitters helps offset the work of having houseguests), I long ago stopped worrying about the house being perfect when the come to visit, having wonderful home-cooked meals every night and lots of entertainment for them. They live our lives when they’re here rather than us living theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to think this is a troll, because the responses are so wildly inconsistent. First OP is “barely hanging on” and resentful that they haven’t visited, and her issue is “how do you manage two family sides by yourself?” Then she is “muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice” to have help. And she won’t “call them begging for help,” which she apparently equates to *asking* for help. Then her issue is that she “can't stand that I have another role. Then she “really need[s] the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg,” which is ridiculous, because again, she hasn’t asked for help form them. She would have liked them to come babysit, but never asked them to, and is mad that they didn’t. She knows that they believe she doesn’t need their help and doesn’t care about them seeing the kids, but again, *won’t ask for help.” And to top it off, in her last post, she says that “I don't even really need their help,” and is just annoyed that asking them to visit is another chore for her (because a 3 line email is too difficult) and that they are “whining” about not seeing their grandkids. She doesn’t think they want to babysit, but again, and sorry to beat a dead horse, she hasn’t asked them.

Yup. Troll who is trying to tailor her story (unsuccessfully) to elicit the most sympathy. Or, if she’s not a troll, she’s just annoyed at her ILs in general and can’t keep her story straight.

This. I think that OP just doesn't really like her in-laws, and is almost perfectly happy to cut them out when her husband is deployed, except that she resents that they aren't helping her out (despite her never asking).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has already given the in-laws a standing invitation to visit. The next step if for the in-laws to ask about a specific time/date. It's not OP's responsibility to arrange everything.

Her invitation was the equivalent of DCUMs "Let's get together soon!" and then nothing. A real invitation needs specific dates. Plus, the in laws may not want to be pushy (like the millions of threads here) and suggest they visit.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

I think that’s weird and unfriendly.

I vote you get a pass to be “weird and unfriendly” when your husband is deployed if that makes your life easier. Explain to me again why the onus is on the busy wife/mother?

+2. The PP who wrote that it was weird and unfriendly has never had a spouse deployed for months at a time. This is not "My husband travels for work" - this is month after month after month of a husband who is in a different time zone and generally a war zone - who is not coming home on the weekend. You have to deal with everything plus the feelings of your kids as well as managing your own loss and fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are all of you giving this woman yet another thing to do? She's managing the kids and working! Her DH should have set this up before he left because it is HIS family. OP - first decide what involvement you want from your in-laws. Some people would be thrilled with this arrangement. Then, if you do want involvement, get your DH on board and have him contact them.

I don't think you have the slightest clue what it's like to be a military family.

As an aside, I guess this is the logical extension of the DCUM dogma, "DH has to handle the entire relationship with his family." Even if he's 6000 miles away risking his life fighting insurgents of some sort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are getting crap advice on this thread. YOU are the one who is a single parent; YOU are the one who is missing your husband; THEY are the ones who should be calling you asking if you need anything or how they can help. Between kids, the kids schedules, the house, the dogs, my job, and keeping my children stable and secure with their father gone, I, personally, could not handle one more person asking me to do one more thing.

Your in-laws are grown ups with far less on their plate. They should step up and ask you what you need and how they can help you. They should do the calling and make sure you know that this is now their responsibility. My parents do and so do my in-laws.

Yes but I think it depends on OP's prior interactions with the in-laws. The only reason OP knows they are "upset" is that SIL went and told her they are. Otherwise, OP would not have known. Is this because they have learned from past experience not to express their wish/desire to see the grandkids more b/c OP will snap at them and say she doesn't have the "bandwidth" to put one more thing on her plate? So maybe they decided to just suck it up and not bother her about it directly since her reply last time was "take them then! They'll like that better than daycare!" rather than arranging to visit the grandparents.--and they were just venting to SIL.
Maybe SIL thought it would be a good idea to sort of be a go-between, but instead of taking the hint, OP just got mad that the ILs said anything to SIL! Essentially, this is sort of a no-win for the Inlaws because if they say they'd like to see the grandkids or help out, OP sounds like she will feel overwhelmed with this and treat it as ONE MORE THING she has to coordinate.
OP has a lot of responsibilities...that is clear, and no one is disputing that. It's a shame, but for whatever reason, keeping the connection between the kids and grandparents is not on the top of OP's priority list.

Ugh. It's OK when your husband is deployed to hunker down and go into survival mode. This means the OP's priority is her own sanity and well-being and, yes, it's OK if keeping the connection with grandparents is not at the top of her priority. Deployments are temporary and her husband can re-establish the connection when he returns. Right now OP's priority should be OP. Don't try to add guilt on top of an already crappy situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are all of you giving this woman yet another thing to do? She's managing the kids and working! Her DH should have set this up before he left because it is HIS family. OP - first decide what involvement you want from your in-laws. Some people would be thrilled with this arrangement. Then, if you do want involvement, get your DH on board and have him contact them.

I don't think you have the slightest clue what it's like to be a military family.

As an aside, I guess this is the logical extension of the DCUM dogma, "DH has to handle the entire relationship with his family." Even if he's 6000 miles away risking his life fighting insurgents of some sort.

I'm not that poster, but I agree with them. My husband is currently deployed, so I'm fairly certain I qualify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

I think that’s weird and unfriendly.

I vote you get a pass to be “weird and unfriendly” when your husband is deployed if that makes your life easier. Explain to me again why the onus is on the busy wife/mother?

+2. The PP who wrote that it was weird and unfriendly has never had a spouse deployed for months at a time. This is not "My husband travels for work" - this is month after month after month of a husband who is in a different time zone and generally a war zone - who is not coming home on the weekend. You have to deal with everything plus the feelings of your kids as well as managing your own loss and fear.

I’m the “weird and unfriendly” PP. My husband has done three year-long tours in conflict zones. I’m still able to manage a relationship with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

I think that’s weird and unfriendly.

I vote you get a pass to be “weird and unfriendly” when your husband is deployed if that makes your life easier. Explain to me again why the onus is on the busy wife/mother?

+2. The PP who wrote that it was weird and unfriendly has never had a spouse deployed for months at a time. This is not "My husband travels for work" - this is month after month after month of a husband who is in a different time zone and generally a war zone - who is not coming home on the weekend. You have to deal with everything plus the feelings of your kids as well as managing your own loss and fear.

I’m the “weird and unfriendly” PP. My husband has done three year-long tours in conflict zones. I’m still able to manage a relationship with his parents.

Then i'm sure you also understand you do what you need to do and everyone has a different situation and coping mechanisms? And that's is not a time for judgment?
I'm introverted and tend to find it less help than work to deal with my ILs. I'm home with six kids alone and don't want to meet another person's needs. My ILs have some physical disabilities that make them unable to come in and give me a break. I don't set up visits while my husband is gone. Call me weird and unfriendly.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds like it's not the first time your DH has deployed and been unavailable. I would have worked much more of this out WITH HIM before he left. That way he could manage his parents expectations, have the conversation with them about how you won't be able to visit and how that's unreasonable, but also that you would love help. ALL OF THAT should have been done by him before he left. Personally, I'd be really annoyed with HIM for not laying a better ground work for this deployment when there have been issues in the past.

Obviously that ship has sailed. But if this is something that will happen again, I'd make sure you two work this out when he's home. Ex: the wedding you were in you had to have known about before he left. I would have asked him to brooch having his parents come help with the kids that weekend. It should have been set up before he even left.

In the name of being loving, I'd swallow your annoyance and their passive aggressive "we wish we could see them" comments. You are justified being annoyed, but now is not the time to make it a big thing. Extend a specific invitation for a weekend you can handle hosting them. If they turn it down, you are off the hook.

However, your DH is not off the hook and needs to better manage his family's expectations before he leaves the country again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

I think that’s weird and unfriendly.

I vote you get a pass to be “weird and unfriendly” when your husband is deployed if that makes your life easier. Explain to me again why the onus is on the busy wife/mother?

+2. The PP who wrote that it was weird and unfriendly has never had a spouse deployed for months at a time. This is not "My husband travels for work" - this is month after month after month of a husband who is in a different time zone and generally a war zone - who is not coming home on the weekend. You have to deal with everything plus the feelings of your kids as well as managing your own loss and fear.

I’m the “weird and unfriendly” PP. My husband has done three year-long tours in conflict zones. I’m still able to manage a relationship with his parents.

No setting up visits is understandable, NEVER calling or reaching out in some way (as the PP claims she never calls her in laws) is weird and unfriendly. The occasional text or five minute phone call isn’t going to kill you.

Then i'm sure you also understand you do what you need to do and everyone has a different situation and coping mechanisms? And that's is not a time for judgment?
I'm introverted and tend to find it less help than work to deal with my ILs. I'm home with six kids alone and don't want to meet another person's needs. My ILs have some physical disabilities that make them unable to come in and give me a break. I don't set up visits while my husband is gone. Call me weird and unfriendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

I think that’s weird and unfriendly.

I vote you get a pass to be “weird and unfriendly” when your husband is deployed if that makes your life easier. Explain to me again why the onus is on the busy wife/mother?

+2. The PP who wrote that it was weird and unfriendly has never had a spouse deployed for months at a time. This is not "My husband travels for work" - this is month after month after month of a husband who is in a different time zone and generally a war zone - who is not coming home on the weekend. You have to deal with everything plus the feelings of your kids as well as managing your own loss and fear.

I’m the “weird and unfriendly” PP. My husband has done three year-long tours in conflict zones. I’m still able to manage a relationship with his parents.

No setting up visits is understandable, NEVER calling or reaching out in some way (as the PP claims she never calls her in laws) is weird and unfriendly. The occasional text or five minute phone call isn’t going to kill you.

I don't call either. I again don't understand why OP has to be the one to call. Do in-laws phones only work one way?

Then i'm sure you also understand you do what you need to do and everyone has a different situation and coping mechanisms? And that's is not a time for judgment?
I'm introverted and tend to find it less help than work to deal with my ILs. I'm home with six kids alone and don't want to meet another person's needs. My ILs have some physical disabilities that make them unable to come in and give me a break. I don't set up visits while my husband is gone. Call me weird and unfriendly.