Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids!

And how's it going so far, hmm? Not well? What can change--will the ILs wake up one morning and magically understand that they need to take the initiative to help and the burden of doing all the traveling?

Or maybe--and I know this is crazy--OP can *directly and politely ask for the specific helps that she needs.* You know, like a grown-up?

Or OP can continue to go on about her life and not feel bad about it. Only OP can answer whether she really wants their help.

I think it's pretty obvious that OP wants the help. Read the thread.

Page 4 “I don’t even really need their help”.

Did I say need? No.

I said WANT.

It's very clear she wants the help, to the point where she resents that they aren't offering it up on a silver platter. And I get it, I really do. But sitting around and stewing that they aren't the type of people who get it and offer help and make the bigger effort while OP is in this current situation is not magically going to turn them into people who DO get it. But picking up the phone and directly asking for a specific favor, a specific visit? Yeah, that actually MIGHT get her the help she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He's not military, he's a contractor and he definitely has less free time than me. He's working long hours and the time zone is bad so DH can only facetime us on the weekends (he texts every few days in the morning when I'm at work). Spotty internet too. I don't think his parents are texting him though either.

I'm not going to call them begging for help because I'm muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice.

There is a difference between begging and asking for help. It is more than fine to ask for help. We don't have insight into your full relationship with them, but maybe they are not trying to overstep and are waiting to be invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids!

And how's it going so far, hmm? Not well? What can change--will the ILs wake up one morning and magically understand that they need to take the initiative to help and the burden of doing all the traveling?

Or maybe--and I know this is crazy--OP can *directly and politely ask for the specific helps that she needs.* You know, like a grown-up?

Or OP can continue to go on about her life and not feel bad about it. Only OP can answer whether she really wants their help.

I think it's pretty obvious that OP wants the help. Read the thread.

Page 4 “I don’t even really need their help”.

Did I say need? No.

I said WANT.

It's very clear she wants the help, to the point where she resents that they aren't offering it up on a silver platter. And I get it, I really do. But sitting around and stewing that they aren't the type of people who get it and offer help and make the bigger effort while OP is in this current situation is not magically going to turn them into people who DO get it. But picking up the phone and directly asking for a specific favor, a specific visit? Yeah, that actually MIGHT get her the help she wants.

It may be clear to you, but it's not clear to me. I read it as her wanting to not have to expend effort on them. She mentions not wanting to beg/ask for help which is what makes me think she'd rather just ignore them. Come back and update OP!