Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"I heard you were upset with not seeing us while DH is deployed. You have to understand that I am just one person, employed full time, managing two children and the house. I can't do everything and I'm exhausted. If you want to see the children, please call and arrange to drive here at a mutually convenient time. When DH comes home, his priority will be to his family, ie me and the kids, so we won't be able to visit you immediately."

I would take the lead here, instead of waiting for a deployed husband to handle it.

This is VERY cold, especially towards people who are family. OP you should not say this unless you want them to dislike you even more.

[Anonymous]

Send them and email and say you and the kids would love to see them. You are a bit overwhelmed to travel there but would appreciate them coming. You are available these dates. Done.

[Anonymous]

My kids are around the same ages and my husband posted overseas for months at a time as well. The kids and I FaceTime with my in-laws every Sunday evening and I give them a call mid-week after the kids are asleep just to check in and say hi. Similar routine with my parents. I know it’s hard on my husband’s parents when he is away so I do my best to keep in touch. I flew with the kids to see them a few months ago and they’re coming to visit later this month.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. You talk to your parents daily and have your older kid FaceTime them a few times a week but you don’t do anything like that for the other grandparents? Seems like you could very easily drop one of the phone calls and FaceTime sessions with your family (and still be talking to them 6 days a week!) and call/FaceTime your in laws once a week.

[Anonymous]

My husband has been deployed a number of times and my in-laws rarely initiate contact. They know I have a lot going on with work and three kids and they don’t want to be an additional burden. I text, call, FaceTime with the kids regularly because that’s what I would want if I were in their position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. You talk to your parents daily and have your older kid FaceTime them a few times a week but you don’t do anything like that for the other grandparents? Seems like you could very easily drop one of the phone calls and FaceTime sessions with your family (and still be talking to them 6 days a week!) and call/FaceTime your in laws once a week.

But it sounds like her parents are much farther away and can’t visit. I think the better solution would be to just invite them to come to you occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are all of you giving this woman yet another thing to do? She's managing the kids and working! Her DH should have set this up before he left because it is HIS family. OP - first decide what involvement you want from your in-laws. Some people would be thrilled with this arrangement. Then, if you do want involvement, get your DH on board and have him contact them.

He's not in Cleveland for a week, he's deployed overseas. The communications are a bit different.

OP, my husband isn't military but has a similar travel schedule for work. During the months he is abroad, I manage my in-laws roughly the same as DH and I would if he were home in terms of initiating phone calls and inviting them for visits. It's not for my benefit it (it's just an extra chore for me) but for my kids so that their father's work doesn't interfere with them developing relationships with their extended family.

But are you also working full time?

I feel like the in laws should be thinking about ways to support OP, rather than OP taking on another obligation. It’s hard to imagine someone with more on their plate than her.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure it matters what other people do. How do you handle your in laws when he is home? I don’t get along with my MIL, so all contact goes through my dh. So when he’s deployed, I don’t have contact with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. You talk to your parents daily and have your older kid FaceTime them a few times a week but you don’t do anything like that for the other grandparents? Seems like you could very easily drop one of the phone calls and FaceTime sessions with your family (and still be talking to them 6 days a week!) and call/FaceTime your in laws once a week.

But it sounds like her parents are much farther away and can’t visit. I think the better solution would be to just invite them to come to you occasionally.

But her toddler can FT with her own parents just not her in laws because she hangs up the phone too often.

OP - you have to let people know what you need/want or you'll never get it.

If you want them to come visit for an afternoon, or hang out at your house so you can get your hair done or whatever, you need to COMMUNICATE with them. Directly to them. Not through a third party. If you want them to visit with your kids so they will have a better bond, you need to say "they miss you, can you come for pizza?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. You talk to your parents daily and have your older kid FaceTime them a few times a week but you don’t do anything like that for the other grandparents? Seems like you could very easily drop one of the phone calls and FaceTime sessions with your family (and still be talking to them 6 days a week!) and call/FaceTime your in laws once a week.

OP here. Yes I talk to my parents daily because I'm very close to them. I always have. I call a lot from work, lunch breaks or my ride home. I guess I should be the bigger person and call my inlaws, but it's hard and I have nothing to talk about with them. I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role. If they called the kids to facetime them, that would be awesome, they just don't. Also, my toddler isn't very vocal, so they don't like facetiming her when DH does it. They mostly just talk to DH and look at DD (whereas my parents sing to her and play games).

I do want them to visit but I don't think they want to visit without DH. They never come to our house and only want us to come there (which I am not doing).

[Anonymous]

If what you are hoping for/expecting from them is a social visit, leave that to DH--you have too much going on to play social director.

If what you are hoping for/expecting from them is help--visits where they bring a lasagna, watch the kids and fold some laundry--you need to politely ASK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. You talk to your parents daily and have your older kid FaceTime them a few times a week but you don’t do anything like that for the other grandparents? Seems like you could very easily drop one of the phone calls and FaceTime sessions with your family (and still be talking to them 6 days a week!) and call/FaceTime your in laws once a week.

OP here. Yes I talk to my parents daily because I'm very close to them. I always have. I call a lot from work, lunch breaks or my ride home. I guess I should be the bigger person and call my inlaws, but it's hard and I have nothing to talk about with them. I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role. If they called the kids to facetime them, that would be awesome, they just don't. Also, my toddler isn't very vocal, so they don't like facetiming her when DH does it. They mostly just talk to DH and look at DD (whereas my parents sing to her and play games).

I do want them to visit but I don't think they want to visit without DH. They never come to our house and only want us to come there (which I am not doing).

Then communicate that to them. If they don’t take the initiative after you’ve told them what is helpful, then you are excused from your role. You’re overthinking this.

[Anonymous]

You have 2 toddlers and would probably benefit from your inlaws visiting or visiting them and have them spend time with your kids. Or continue being lonely and barely hanging on. Totally your choice.

[Anonymous]

I like my in-laws, but the main reason I keep my children in touch with them when DH is deployed is because if I had a son or daughter deployed, I would really appreciate their spouse or partner letting me see and keeping up with my grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like my in-laws, but the main reason I keep my children in touch with them when DH is deployed is because if I had a son or daughter deployed, I would really appreciate their spouse or partner letting me see and keeping up with my grandkids.

OP here. But I'm not keeping the grandkids from them. If anything, I really need the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg. I told them months ago to visit whenever. I had a close family member die two weeks ago and it was hard not crying in front of the kids and I paid a babysitter to take them out to play for the worst of it. I also was in a wedding party last weekend which was about 16 hours of babysitting that I would have loved help with. My kids love the babysitter, but I'm sure they'd love their grandparents visiting mroe.