Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"I heard you were upset with not seeing us while DH is deployed. You have to understand that I am just one person, employed full time, managing two children and the house. I can't do everything and I'm exhausted. If you want to see the children, please call and arrange to drive here at a mutually convenient time. When DH comes home, his priority will be to his family, ie me and the kids, so we won't be able to visit you immediately."

I would take the lead here, instead of waiting for a deployed husband to handle it.

This is VERY cold, especially towards people who are family. OP you should not say this unless you want them to dislike you even more.

Agree with this. OP, if you have a son, imagine his future wife saying this to you one day. It just sounds AWFUL. Especially the part where PP suggests that you assert that "DH's priority will be his family id me and the kids"--cringe! I get that a DW will feel that SHE and her kids are DH's priority and family....but let HIM say that to his own mother. DOn't be the daughter-in-law who asserts this. And also, gross to imply to his own mom that she is not a priority to her son. Just...ick. Even if that's how you feel, it is hurtful and unnecessary.
So please don't use this advice from the PP, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are getting crap advice on this thread. YOU are the one who is a single parent; YOU are the one who is missing your husband; THEY are the ones who should be calling you asking if you need anything or how they can help. Between kids, the kids schedules, the house, the dogs, my job, and keeping my children stable and secure with their father gone, I, personally, could not handle one more person asking me to do one more thing.

Your in-laws are grown ups with far less on their plate. They should step up and ask you what you need and how they can help you. They should do the calling and make sure you know that this is now their responsibility. My parents do and so do my in-laws.

Yes but I think it depends on OP's prior interactions with the in-laws. The only reason OP knows they are "upset" is that SIL went and told her they are. Otherwise, OP would not have known. Is this because they have learned from past experience not to express their wish/desire to see the grandkids more b/c OP will snap at them and say she doesn't have the "bandwidth" to put one more thing on her plate? So maybe they decided to just suck it up and not bother her about it directly since her reply last time was "take them then! They'll like that better than daycare!" rather than arranging to visit the grandparents.--and they were just venting to SIL.
Maybe SIL thought it would be a good idea to sort of be a go-between, but instead of taking the hint, OP just got mad that the ILs said anything to SIL! Essentially, this is sort of a no-win for the Inlaws because if they say they'd like to see the grandkids or help out, OP sounds like she will feel overwhelmed with this and treat it as ONE MORE THING she has to coordinate.
OP has a lot of responsibilities...that is clear, and no one is disputing that. It's a shame, but for whatever reason, keeping the connection between the kids and grandparents is not on the top of OP's priority list.

[Anonymous]

It's a shame, but for whatever reason, keeping the connection between the kids and grandparents is not on the top of OP's priority list.

Especially because in all this self-described chaos OP manages to call her own parents every day and have her daughter FaceTime them a few days a week.

OP, how could hey have known that it would have been helpful of them to come when you had a wedding or a death to process unless you tell them? It sounds like they know you have a lot on your plate and are laying low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

OP, I'm sorry you're not getting the sympathy you want. I guess I don't see that your unhappiness with your in-laws is deserved on their part. They are not mind readers. If you want your husband's parents to be more involved then you are going to have to be more proactive and welcoming to them to make that happen. One way for you to make it easier for yourself is to ask your in-laws for help. You may have to go out of your way to be accommodating. The kids and I would love to see you. Would you be interested in coming down next Tuesday? You could spend the night in our guest room and then on Wednesday you could take the kids to the zoo. It would be a special treat and they would love the break from day care!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Love this advice.

+2. Reach out, OP. Help the grandparents to bond - you owe your kids (and husband) that.

And ask for help. Worse that can happen is that they say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's a shame, but for whatever reason, keeping the connection between the kids and grandparents is not on the top of OP's priority list.

Especially because in all this self-described chaos OP manages to call her own parents every day and have her daughter FaceTime them a few days a week.

OP, how could hey have known that it would have been helpful of them to come when you had a wedding or a death to process unless you tell them? It sounds like they know you have a lot on your plate and are laying low.

I think it’s unfair to compare when she calls her own parents. Obviously she’s getting something in return out of the call to her parents - it eases the loneliness, they are good with the kids. Versus an awkward call to her in-laws. I can 100% relate to that. Calling my in laws alone is completely an additional chore that I dread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

Last time when you said that, did they come visit you? Or expect you to bring the kids to them? I really don’t think you have any obligation to go to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are all of you giving this woman yet another thing to do? She's managing the kids and working! Her DH should have set this up before he left because it is HIS family. OP - first decide what involvement you want from your in-laws. Some people would be thrilled with this arrangement. Then, if you do want involvement, get your DH on board and have him contact them.

That's not how deployments tend to work.

Yes, the OP is overloaded. However, this is the one instance where it really makes no sense for DH to handle the communications with his side of the family. He doesn't know what she's dealing with, what works for her.

What he could do that would be useful is to encourage them to reach out and offer help/visits.

I’m not sure what you mean by the first sentence. My dh is currently deployed. He has way more free time than I do. I frequently text him pictures or videos of the kids. If he wants his mom to have them, he can text them just as easily as I can. Most Soldiers have full access to email and FaceTime, so he can facilitate communication. The spouse at home doesn’t have to do everything. I know my husband would happily push it all on me, but when he’s deployed it’s about what makes my life easier. If the ILs need to wait, they can.

Navy?

Army

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

OP, I'm sorry you're not getting the sympathy you want. I guess I don't see that your unhappiness with your in-laws is deserved on their part. They are not mind readers. If you want your husband's parents to be more involved then you are going to have to be more proactive and welcoming to them to make that happen. One way for you to make it easier for yourself is to ask your in-laws for help. You may have to go out of your way to be accommodating. The kids and I would love to see you. Would you be interested in coming down next Tuesday? You could spend the night in our guest room and then on Wednesday you could take the kids to the zoo. It would be a special treat and they would love the break from day care!

That’s lovely and all but do you actually do this when your husband is deployed? I would be resentful AF to have to cater and be proactive and welcoming to retired grandparents when I’m barely getting an hour to myself for months on end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

OP, I'm sorry you're not getting the sympathy you want. I guess I don't see that your unhappiness with your in-laws is deserved on their part. They are not mind readers. If you want your husband's parents to be more involved then you are going to have to be more proactive and welcoming to them to make that happen. One way for you to make it easier for yourself is to ask your in-laws for help. You may have to go out of your way to be accommodating. The kids and I would love to see you. Would you be interested in coming down next Tuesday? You could spend the night in our guest room and then on Wednesday you could take the kids to the zoo. It would be a special treat and they would love the break from day care!

^^ +1

You have my sympathy. I can imagine you are stressed and pushed to the limits. I know I feel that way when my DH travels, I can't imagine how I would feel if he were deployed. Reach out to them.

[Anonymous]

They should be proactively helping you, not getting upset you aren't going out of your way to visit. and NO I would not be going there right when DH gets back! They can come see YOU.

better yet, they should come visit for the weekend, watch the kids and you go off for a relaxing stay at a hotel for 2 days.

But I get having in laws that are not helpful. I would rather muddle along than ask mine for help too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

OP, I'm sorry you're not getting the sympathy you want. I guess I don't see that your unhappiness with your in-laws is deserved on their part. They are not mind readers. If you want your husband's parents to be more involved then you are going to have to be more proactive and welcoming to them to make that happen. One way for you to make it easier for yourself is to ask your in-laws for help. You may have to go out of your way to be accommodating. The kids and I would love to see you. Would you be interested in coming down next Tuesday? You could spend the night in our guest room and then on Wednesday you could take the kids to the zoo. It would be a special treat and they would love the break from day care!

That’s lovely and all but do you actually do this when your husband is deployed? I would be resentful AF to have to cater and be proactive and welcoming to retired grandparents when I’m barely getting an hour to myself for months on end.

Yeah, that is stupid. Why on earth would the GPs come during the week? That isn't giving OP a break at ALL. some of you are ridiculous with your expectations for this overloaded mom struggling alone.

[Anonymous]

I am beginning to think this is a troll, because the responses are so wildly inconsistent. First OP is “barely hanging on” and resentful that they haven’t visited, and her issue is “how do you manage two family sides by yourself?” Then she is “muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice” to have help. And she won’t “call them begging for help,” which she apparently equates to *asking* for help. Then her issue is that she “can't stand that I have another role. Then she “really need[s] the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg,” which is ridiculous, because again, she hasn’t asked for help form them. She would have liked them to come babysit, but never asked them to, and is mad that they didn’t. She knows that they believe she doesn’t need their help and doesn’t care about them seeing the kids, but again, *won’t ask for help.” And to top it off, in her last post, she says that “I don't even really need their help,” and is just annoyed that asking them to visit is another chore for her (because a 3 line email is too difficult) and that they are “whining” about not seeing their grandkids. She doesn’t think they want to babysit, but again, and sorry to beat a dead horse, she hasn’t asked them.

Yup. Troll who is trying to tailor her story (unsuccessfully) to elicit the most sympathy. Or, if she’s not a troll, she’s just annoyed at her ILs in general and can’t keep her story straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

OP, I'm sorry you're not getting the sympathy you want. I guess I don't see that your unhappiness with your in-laws is deserved on their part. They are not mind readers. If you want your husband's parents to be more involved then you are going to have to be more proactive and welcoming to them to make that happen. One way for you to make it easier for yourself is to ask your in-laws for help. You may have to go out of your way to be accommodating. The kids and I would love to see you. Would you be interested in coming down next Tuesday? You could spend the night in our guest room and then on Wednesday you could take the kids to the zoo. It would be a special treat and they would love the break from day care!

That’s lovely and all but do you actually do this when your husband is deployed? I would be resentful AF to have to cater and be proactive and welcoming to retired grandparents when I’m barely getting an hour to myself for months on end.

Yeah, that is stupid. Why on earth would the GPs come during the week? That isn't giving OP a break at ALL. some of you are ridiculous with your expectations for this overloaded mom struggling alone.

NP and although I agree weekend help would be better for OP, what exactly is so hard about inviting grandparents to the house to stay overnight and take the kids for the day? Those aren't ridiculous expectations for OP. It's literally an email and opening the door to the grandparents when they arrive, it doesn't get easier than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

OP, I'm sorry you're not getting the sympathy you want. I guess I don't see that your unhappiness with your in-laws is deserved on their part. They are not mind readers. If you want your husband's parents to be more involved then you are going to have to be more proactive and welcoming to them to make that happen. One way for you to make it easier for yourself is to ask your in-laws for help. You may have to go out of your way to be accommodating. The kids and I would love to see you. Would you be interested in coming down next Tuesday? You could spend the night in our guest room and then on Wednesday you could take the kids to the zoo. It would be a special treat and they would love the break from day care!

That’s lovely and all but do you actually do this when your husband is deployed? I would be resentful AF to have to cater and be proactive and welcoming to retired grandparents when I’m barely getting an hour to myself for months on end.

Yeah, that is stupid. Why on earth would the GPs come during the week? That isn't giving OP a break at ALL. some of you are ridiculous with your expectations for this overloaded mom struggling alone.

NP and although I agree weekend help would be better for OP, what exactly is so hard about inviting grandparents to the house to stay overnight and take the kids for the day? Those aren't ridiculous expectations for OP. It's literally an email and opening the door to the grandparents when they arrive, it doesn't get easier than that.

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids? Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP.