Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to think this is a troll, because the responses are so wildly inconsistent. First OP is “barely hanging on” and resentful that they haven’t visited, and her issue is “how do you manage two family sides by yourself?” Then she is “muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice” to have help. And she won’t “call them begging for help,” which she apparently equates to *asking* for help. Then her issue is that she “can't stand that I have another role. Then she “really need[s] the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg,” which is ridiculous, because again, she hasn’t asked for help form them. She would have liked them to come babysit, but never asked them to, and is mad that they didn’t. She knows that they believe she doesn’t need their help and doesn’t care about them seeing the kids, but again, *won’t ask for help.” And to top it off, in her last post, she says that “I don't even really need their help,” and is just annoyed that asking them to visit is another chore for her (because a 3 line email is too difficult) and that they are “whining” about not seeing their grandkids. She doesn’t think they want to babysit, but again, and sorry to beat a dead horse, she hasn’t asked them.

Yup. Troll who is trying to tailor her story (unsuccessfully) to elicit the most sympathy. Or, if she’s not a troll, she’s just annoyed at her ILs in general and can’t keep her story straight.

This. I think that OP just doesn't really like her in-laws, and is almost perfectly happy to cut them out when her husband is deployed, except that she resents that they aren't helping her out (despite her never asking).

OP here. Hah. I'm not a troll but I obviously have many different feelings about it all. I do think my thoughts are inconsistent. I'm mentally barely hanging on, but you wouldn't know it. My kids are super happy, adjusted and the priority. DH only has a month left and I dream about someone else feeding the kids or being the one who can comfort them when they fall down or read them books at night (because omg I have to read the same boring 6 books every single night). My inlaws haven't ever done any of that even when I visit them, so it's probably just a pipe dream. And they did know about the wedding and the funeral. Someone mentioned the house which I had to laugh about. The second DH leaves, the entire house falls apart on me. It's kind of a running joke now about what will break on me (my straightening iron died just this morning even and the keurig last week, the AC two weeks ago, on and on).

I'm not trying to get sympathy, I was trying to see what other people do. And the answer was they write letters and call their inlaws constantly. I don't know why it's hard for me to call and have an awkward conversation for half an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

OP, I'm sorry you're not getting the sympathy you want. I guess I don't see that your unhappiness with your in-laws is deserved on their part. They are not mind readers. If you want your husband's parents to be more involved then you are going to have to be more proactive and welcoming to them to make that happen. One way for you to make it easier for yourself is to ask your in-laws for help. You may have to go out of your way to be accommodating. The kids and I would love to see you. Would you be interested in coming down next Tuesday? You could spend the night in our guest room and then on Wednesday you could take the kids to the zoo. It would be a special treat and they would love the break from day care!

That’s lovely and all but do you actually do this when your husband is deployed? I would be resentful AF to have to cater and be proactive and welcoming to retired grandparents when I’m barely getting an hour to myself for months on end.

Yeah, that is stupid. Why on earth would the GPs come during the week? That isn't giving OP a break at ALL. some of you are ridiculous with your expectations for this overloaded mom struggling alone.

NP and although I agree weekend help would be better for OP, what exactly is so hard about inviting grandparents to the house to stay overnight and take the kids for the day? Those aren't ridiculous expectations for OP. It's literally an email and opening the door to the grandparents when they arrive, it doesn't get easier than that.

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids? Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP.

I just went through this with a deployed dh for 9 months. My in laws are local and older and lovely if a little clueless. I packed dd a bag and snacks and gave instructions and was able to leave her at their house for a couple hours at a time towards he end of the deployment. We started with them coming to our house for a couple hours and I would run an errand or just go for coffeee. They still can’t feed her a non snack meal by themselves or put her to bed but will happily play for 3 hrs and are managing with potty training too. It was a lot of work with frequent visits so they and dd would get used to eqch other. And it paid off. Now dd doesn’t notice when I leave and is super content to hang out with them and they feel confident. It depends if it’s worth it to you to build that relationship between your children and grandparents because it won’t build itself.

It's really nice that you did that with them, but why didn't your husband put some effort into setting it up before he left? It just seems like so much is put on the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to think this is a troll, because the responses are so wildly inconsistent. First OP is “barely hanging on” and resentful that they haven’t visited, and her issue is “how do you manage two family sides by yourself?” Then she is “muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice” to have help. And she won’t “call them begging for help,” which she apparently equates to *asking* for help. Then her issue is that she “can't stand that I have another role. Then she “really need[s] the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg,” which is ridiculous, because again, she hasn’t asked for help form them. She would have liked them to come babysit, but never asked them to, and is mad that they didn’t. She knows that they believe she doesn’t need their help and doesn’t care about them seeing the kids, but again, *won’t ask for help.” And to top it off, in her last post, she says that “I don't even really need their help,” and is just annoyed that asking them to visit is another chore for her (because a 3 line email is too difficult) and that they are “whining” about not seeing their grandkids. She doesn’t think they want to babysit, but again, and sorry to beat a dead horse, she hasn’t asked them.

Yup. Troll who is trying to tailor her story (unsuccessfully) to elicit the most sympathy. Or, if she’s not a troll, she’s just annoyed at her ILs in general and can’t keep her story straight.

This. I think that OP just doesn't really like her in-laws, and is almost perfectly happy to cut them out when her husband is deployed, except that she resents that they aren't helping her out (despite her never asking).

OP here. Hah. I'm not a troll but I obviously have many different feelings about it all. I do think my thoughts are inconsistent. I'm mentally barely hanging on, but you wouldn't know it. My kids are super happy, adjusted and the priority. DH only has a month left and I dream about someone else feeding the kids or being the one who can comfort them when they fall down or read them books at night (because omg I have to read the same boring 6 books every single night). My inlaws haven't ever done any of that even when I visit them, so it's probably just a pipe dream. And they did know about the wedding and the funeral. Someone mentioned the house which I had to laugh about. The second DH leaves, the entire house falls apart on me. It's kind of a running joke now about what will break on me (my straightening iron died just this morning even and the keurig last week, the AC two weeks ago, on and on).

I'm not trying to get sympathy, I was trying to see what other people do. And the answer was they write letters and call their inlaws constantly. I don't know why it's hard for me to call and have an awkward conversation for half an hour.

Sometimes when I'm not in the mood to chat, I take little iPhone videos of the kids giving a message to the grandparents, perfecting their cartwheel or signing them a song - anything. Works better than FaceTime with little kids even though it's a one sided thing. Send it quickly via iMessage with a quick text and you are done. You get points as the daughter in law without a lot of effort.

I also send lots of artwork in the mail that they can hang on their fridge - plus it clears the clutter out of the house. The kids get excited that Grandma will see what they painted/created.

Just a couple ideas for little things, zero to no effort required. Hang in there OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to think this is a troll, because the responses are so wildly inconsistent. First OP is “barely hanging on” and resentful that they haven’t visited, and her issue is “how do you manage two family sides by yourself?” Then she is “muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice” to have help. And she won’t “call them begging for help,” which she apparently equates to *asking* for help. Then her issue is that she “can't stand that I have another role. Then she “really need[s] the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg,” which is ridiculous, because again, she hasn’t asked for help form them. She would have liked them to come babysit, but never asked them to, and is mad that they didn’t. She knows that they believe she doesn’t need their help and doesn’t care about them seeing the kids, but again, *won’t ask for help.” And to top it off, in her last post, she says that “I don't even really need their help,” and is just annoyed that asking them to visit is another chore for her (because a 3 line email is too difficult) and that they are “whining” about not seeing their grandkids. She doesn’t think they want to babysit, but again, and sorry to beat a dead horse, she hasn’t asked them.

Yup. Troll who is trying to tailor her story (unsuccessfully) to elicit the most sympathy. Or, if she’s not a troll, she’s just annoyed at her ILs in general and can’t keep her story straight.

This. I think that OP just doesn't really like her in-laws, and is almost perfectly happy to cut them out when her husband is deployed, except that she resents that they aren't helping her out (despite her never asking).

OP here. Hah. I'm not a troll but I obviously have many different feelings about it all. I do think my thoughts are inconsistent. I'm mentally barely hanging on, but you wouldn't know it. My kids are super happy, adjusted and the priority. DH only has a month left and I dream about someone else feeding the kids or being the one who can comfort them when they fall down or read them books at night (because omg I have to read the same boring 6 books every single night). My inlaws haven't ever done any of that even when I visit them, so it's probably just a pipe dream. And they did know about the wedding and the funeral. Someone mentioned the house which I had to laugh about. The second DH leaves, the entire house falls apart on me. It's kind of a running joke now about what will break on me (my straightening iron died just this morning even and the keurig last week, the AC two weeks ago, on and on).

I'm not trying to get sympathy, I was trying to see what other people do. And the answer was they write letters and call their inlaws constantly. I don't know why it's hard for me to call and have an awkward conversation for half an hour.

But did you actually ask them to watch the kids? You don't need to write letters and call your in-laws constantly, but it just makes no sense to be so upset about this when you don't ask. They aren't mind readers.

The answer is that some people never contact their in-laws. Some people call them once a week. Some people arrange for them to see the grandkids. People do different things. But if you're not happy with the way things are, then you need to use your damn words and speak up. "Hey, Mavis, the kids would love to see you guys. Would you like to come down next weekend or the weekend after and take them to the zoo or the children's museum? They would love it and it would give me some time to run some errands, and then we could all have dinner."

[Anonymous]

OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm not trying to get sympathy, I was trying to see what other people do. And the answer was they write letters and call their inlaws constantly. I don't know why it's hard for me to call and have an awkward conversation for half an hour.

No one is saying they “write letters and call constantly”. I call once a week for 10-15 min and text a few cute pics of the kids like once or twice a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to think this is a troll, because the responses are so wildly inconsistent. First OP is “barely hanging on” and resentful that they haven’t visited, and her issue is “how do you manage two family sides by yourself?” Then she is “muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice” to have help. And she won’t “call them begging for help,” which she apparently equates to *asking* for help. Then her issue is that she “can't stand that I have another role. Then she “really need[s] the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg,” which is ridiculous, because again, she hasn’t asked for help form them. She would have liked them to come babysit, but never asked them to, and is mad that they didn’t. She knows that they believe she doesn’t need their help and doesn’t care about them seeing the kids, but again, *won’t ask for help.” And to top it off, in her last post, she says that “I don't even really need their help,” and is just annoyed that asking them to visit is another chore for her (because a 3 line email is too difficult) and that they are “whining” about not seeing their grandkids. She doesn’t think they want to babysit, but again, and sorry to beat a dead horse, she hasn’t asked them.

Yup. Troll who is trying to tailor her story (unsuccessfully) to elicit the most sympathy. Or, if she’s not a troll, she’s just annoyed at her ILs in general and can’t keep her story straight.

This. I think that OP just doesn't really like her in-laws, and is almost perfectly happy to cut them out when her husband is deployed, except that she resents that they aren't helping her out (despite her never asking).

OP here. Hah. I'm not a troll but I obviously have many different feelings about it all. I do think my thoughts are inconsistent. I'm mentally barely hanging on, but you wouldn't know it. My kids are super happy, adjusted and the priority. DH only has a month left and I dream about someone else feeding the kids or being the one who can comfort them when they fall down or read them books at night (because omg I have to read the same boring 6 books every single night). My inlaws haven't ever done any of that even when I visit them, so it's probably just a pipe dream. And they did know about the wedding and the funeral. Someone mentioned the house which I had to laugh about. The second DH leaves, the entire house falls apart on me. It's kind of a running joke now about what will break on me (my straightening iron died just this morning even and the keurig last week, the AC two weeks ago, on and on).

I'm not trying to get sympathy, I was trying to see what other people do. And the answer was they write letters and call their inlaws constantly. I don't know why it's hard for me to call and have an awkward conversation for half an hour.

Sometimes when I'm not in the mood to chat, I take little iPhone videos of the kids giving a message to the grandparents, perfecting their cartwheel or signing them a song - anything. Works better than FaceTime with little kids even though it's a one sided thing. Send it quickly via iMessage with a quick text and you are done. You get points as the daughter in law without a lot of effort.

I also send lots of artwork in the mail that they can hang on their fridge - plus it clears the clutter out of the house. The kids get excited that Grandma will see what they painted/created.

Just a couple ideas for little things, zero to no effort required. Hang in there OP!

OP here. I do this. I'm on a shared photo site and I upload a photo or a video every day with captions about what we're up to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to think this is a troll, because the responses are so wildly inconsistent. First OP is “barely hanging on” and resentful that they haven’t visited, and her issue is “how do you manage two family sides by yourself?” Then she is “muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice” to have help. And she won’t “call them begging for help,” which she apparently equates to *asking* for help. Then her issue is that she “can't stand that I have another role. Then she “really need[s] the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg,” which is ridiculous, because again, she hasn’t asked for help form them. She would have liked them to come babysit, but never asked them to, and is mad that they didn’t. She knows that they believe she doesn’t need their help and doesn’t care about them seeing the kids, but again, *won’t ask for help.” And to top it off, in her last post, she says that “I don't even really need their help,” and is just annoyed that asking them to visit is another chore for her (because a 3 line email is too difficult) and that they are “whining” about not seeing their grandkids. She doesn’t think they want to babysit, but again, and sorry to beat a dead horse, she hasn’t asked them.

Yup. Troll who is trying to tailor her story (unsuccessfully) to elicit the most sympathy. Or, if she’s not a troll, she’s just annoyed at her ILs in general and can’t keep her story straight.

This. I think that OP just doesn't really like her in-laws, and is almost perfectly happy to cut them out when her husband is deployed, except that she resents that they aren't helping her out (despite her never asking).

OP here. Hah. I'm not a troll but I obviously have many different feelings about it all. I do think my thoughts are inconsistent. I'm mentally barely hanging on, but you wouldn't know it. My kids are super happy, adjusted and the priority. DH only has a month left and I dream about someone else feeding the kids or being the one who can comfort them when they fall down or read them books at night (because omg I have to read the same boring 6 books every single night). My inlaws haven't ever done any of that even when I visit them, so it's probably just a pipe dream. And they did know about the wedding and the funeral. Someone mentioned the house which I had to laugh about. The second DH leaves, the entire house falls apart on me. It's kind of a running joke now about what will break on me (my straightening iron died just this morning even and the keurig last week, the AC two weeks ago, on and on).

I'm not trying to get sympathy, I was trying to see what other people do. And the answer was they write letters and call their inlaws constantly. I don't know why it's hard for me to call and have an awkward conversation for half an hour.

OP, if you are barely hanging on mentally/emotionally, please get some help. Whether it's a counselor to talk to or reaching out to your support network of friends/family, it's not good to be in a place where you feel you're on the verge of falling apart, especially not with so long left to go and when it sounds like these kinds of deployments will keep happening in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

+1 I think the wording this poster used is perfect in tone. It's ok to let them know this has been hard on you, and to ask for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to think this is a troll, because the responses are so wildly inconsistent. First OP is “barely hanging on” and resentful that they haven’t visited, and her issue is “how do you manage two family sides by yourself?” Then she is “muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice” to have help. And she won’t “call them begging for help,” which she apparently equates to *asking* for help. Then her issue is that she “can't stand that I have another role. Then she “really need[s] the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg,” which is ridiculous, because again, she hasn’t asked for help form them. She would have liked them to come babysit, but never asked them to, and is mad that they didn’t. She knows that they believe she doesn’t need their help and doesn’t care about them seeing the kids, but again, *won’t ask for help.” And to top it off, in her last post, she says that “I don't even really need their help,” and is just annoyed that asking them to visit is another chore for her (because a 3 line email is too difficult) and that they are “whining” about not seeing their grandkids. She doesn’t think they want to babysit, but again, and sorry to beat a dead horse, she hasn’t asked them.

Yup. Troll who is trying to tailor her story (unsuccessfully) to elicit the most sympathy. Or, if she’s not a troll, she’s just annoyed at her ILs in general and can’t keep her story straight.

This. I think that OP just doesn't really like her in-laws, and is almost perfectly happy to cut them out when her husband is deployed, except that she resents that they aren't helping her out (despite her never asking).

OP here. Hah. I'm not a troll but I obviously have many different feelings about it all. I do think my thoughts are inconsistent. I'm mentally barely hanging on, but you wouldn't know it. My kids are super happy, adjusted and the priority. DH only has a month left and I dream about someone else feeding the kids or being the one who can comfort them when they fall down or read them books at night (because omg I have to read the same boring 6 books every single night). My inlaws haven't ever done any of that even when I visit them, so it's probably just a pipe dream. And they did know about the wedding and the funeral. Someone mentioned the house which I had to laugh about. The second DH leaves, the entire house falls apart on me. It's kind of a running joke now about what will break on me (my straightening iron died just this morning even and the keurig last week, the AC two weeks ago, on and on).

I'm not trying to get sympathy, I was trying to see what other people do. And the answer was they write letters and call their inlaws constantly. I don't know why it's hard for me to call and have an awkward conversation for half an hour.

Sometimes when I'm not in the mood to chat, I take little iPhone videos of the kids giving a message to the grandparents, perfecting their cartwheel or signing them a song - anything. Works better than FaceTime with little kids even though it's a one sided thing. Send it quickly via iMessage with a quick text and you are done. You get points as the daughter in law without a lot of effort.

I also send lots of artwork in the mail that they can hang on their fridge - plus it clears the clutter out of the house. The kids get excited that Grandma will see what they painted/created.

Just a couple ideas for little things, zero to no effort required. Hang in there OP!

OP here. I do this. I'm on a shared photo site and I upload a photo or a video every day with captions about what we're up to.

That's definitely a good thing, but uploading for all the friends/famiy to see is not as personal as sending a direct message to your in laws, or having the kids videotape a direct message to their grandparents. Do you see the difference in how it's received? One is a message popping up on their phone that says "hey Grandma! we are thinking of you! here's a video of Jenny, she's finally mastered her splits!" versus no message and just an expectation that they click on a website and see what you are up to when they feel like it.

[Anonymous]

^ you get the intimacy of a direct message but you don't have to actually deal with calling them if you don't feel like it! (and who blames you!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am beginning to think this is a troll, because the responses are so wildly inconsistent. First OP is “barely hanging on” and resentful that they haven’t visited, and her issue is “how do you manage two family sides by yourself?” Then she is “muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice” to have help. And she won’t “call them begging for help,” which she apparently equates to *asking* for help. Then her issue is that she “can't stand that I have another role. Then she “really need[s] the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg,” which is ridiculous, because again, she hasn’t asked for help form them. She would have liked them to come babysit, but never asked them to, and is mad that they didn’t. She knows that they believe she doesn’t need their help and doesn’t care about them seeing the kids, but again, *won’t ask for help.” And to top it off, in her last post, she says that “I don't even really need their help,” and is just annoyed that asking them to visit is another chore for her (because a 3 line email is too difficult) and that they are “whining” about not seeing their grandkids. She doesn’t think they want to babysit, but again, and sorry to beat a dead horse, she hasn’t asked them.

Yup. Troll who is trying to tailor her story (unsuccessfully) to elicit the most sympathy. Or, if she’s not a troll, she’s just annoyed at her ILs in general and can’t keep her story straight.

This. I think that OP just doesn't really like her in-laws, and is almost perfectly happy to cut them out when her husband is deployed, except that she resents that they aren't helping her out (despite her never asking).

OP here. Hah. I'm not a troll but I obviously have many different feelings about it all. I do think my thoughts are inconsistent. I'm mentally barely hanging on, but you wouldn't know it. My kids are super happy, adjusted and the priority. DH only has a month left and I dream about someone else feeding the kids or being the one who can comfort them when they fall down or read them books at night (because omg I have to read the same boring 6 books every single night). My inlaws haven't ever done any of that even when I visit them, so it's probably just a pipe dream. And they did know about the wedding and the funeral. Someone mentioned the house which I had to laugh about. The second DH leaves, the entire house falls apart on me. It's kind of a running joke now about what will break on me (my straightening iron died just this morning even and the keurig last week, the AC two weeks ago, on and on).

I'm not trying to get sympathy, I was trying to see what other people do. And the answer was they write letters and call their inlaws constantly. I don't know why it's hard for me to call and have an awkward conversation for half an hour.

Sometimes when I'm not in the mood to chat, I take little iPhone videos of the kids giving a message to the grandparents, perfecting their cartwheel or signing them a song - anything. Works better than FaceTime with little kids even though it's a one sided thing. Send it quickly via iMessage with a quick text and you are done. You get points as the daughter in law without a lot of effort.

I also send lots of artwork in the mail that they can hang on their fridge - plus it clears the clutter out of the house. The kids get excited that Grandma will see what they painted/created.

Just a couple ideas for little things, zero to no effort required. Hang in there OP!

OP here. I do this. I'm on a shared photo site and I upload a photo or a video every day with captions about what we're up to.

That's definitely a good thing, but uploading for all the friends/famiy to see is not as personal as sending a direct message to your in laws, or having the kids videotape a direct message to their grandparents. Do you see the difference in how it's received? One is a message popping up on their phone that says "hey Grandma! we are thinking of you! here's a video of Jenny, she's finally mastered her splits!" versus no message and just an expectation that they click on a website and see what you are up to when they feel like it.

At the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is tape and upload personal messages for my kid's grandparents after I've dealt with work, school, kids, bills, and all the other household stuff. I bet her husband doesn't even do that when he's home. I mean, it's great if you don't mind doing it, but I agree with the "out of bandwidth for this shit" during deployments team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are getting crap advice on this thread. YOU are the one who is a single parent; YOU are the one who is missing your husband; THEY are the ones who should be calling you asking if you need anything or how they can help. Between kids, the kids schedules, the house, the dogs, my job, and keeping my children stable and secure with their father gone, I, personally, could not handle one more person asking me to do one more thing.

Your in-laws are grown ups with far less on their plate. They should step up and ask you what you need and how they can help you. They should do the calling and make sure you know that this is now their responsibility. My parents do and so do my in-laws.

But what the in-laws should be doing doesn't matter. They've shown they are not the type to do these things so OP needs to be the one who steps up and engages them until the in-laws feel more comfortable communicating their wants and needs more directly.

OP it seems like the problem between you and your in-laws is communication. You all seem to walk on egg shells around each other with the "wish they were here, well they can be" type responses instead of being direct and making concrete plans.

If you want to repair things with your in-laws, you need to take the lead. Hopefully the dynamic between you will change with more coexistence and they will become more comfortable with you and you with them, and you will feel less burdened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids? Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP.

The only way the grandparents can get used to taking the kids is by starting somewhere. Yes, the first time or two or three might involve some hand-holding on OP's part, but that isn't a reason to just not do it.

Your in-laws can probably be more self-sufficient than you realize. You have set certain expectations to how they deal with being in your home and now they behave accordingly. I'm sure if you didn't feed your in-laws dinner they wouldn't starve, they are adults. They are even adults who raised your husband. They can figure things out if you give them the space to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids? Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP.

The only way the grandparents can get used to taking the kids is by starting somewhere. Yes, the first time or two or three might involve some hand-holding on OP's part, but that isn't a reason to just not do it.

Your in-laws can probably be more self-sufficient than you realize. You have set certain expectations to how they deal with being in your home and now they behave accordingly. I'm sure if you didn't feed your in-laws dinner they wouldn't starve, they are adults. They are even adults who raised your husband. They can figure things out if you give them the space to do so.

Funny you should reply to me. My MIL actually lost custody of my husband so she didn’t actually raise him LOL but you’re right they wouldn’t starve. They would just complain. And I don’t care to listen to it and am not going to when my husband is deployed. If he wants to do this, he could certainly get them being more self sufficient, but it’s not my place. All that is an aside to say in laws are way different. It’s not a matter of simply opening the door and letting them babysit to catch a break for a lot of people. If OP is one of these, she doesn’t need to feel guilt around it.