Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids? Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP.

The only way the grandparents can get used to taking the kids is by starting somewhere. Yes, the first time or two or three might involve some hand-holding on OP's part, but that isn't a reason to just not do it.

Your in-laws can probably be more self-sufficient than you realize. You have set certain expectations to how they deal with being in your home and now they behave accordingly. I'm sure if you didn't feed your in-laws dinner they wouldn't starve, they are adults. They are even adults who raised your husband. They can figure things out if you give them the space to do so.

Yep. Let the dh completely off. These problems didn’t just start. OP has said she’s already overwhelmed. Now she needs to “train” the in laws. Give the woman a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

This is perfect. OP, I hope you're taking some of this in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids!

And how's it going so far, hmm? Not well? What can change--will the ILs wake up one morning and magically understand that they need to take the initiative to help and the burden of doing all the traveling?

Or maybe--and I know this is crazy--OP can *directly and politely ask for the specific helps that she needs.* You know, like a grown-up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids!

And how's it going so far, hmm? Not well? What can change--will the ILs wake up one morning and magically understand that they need to take the initiative to help and the burden of doing all the traveling?

Or maybe--and I know this is crazy--OP can *directly and politely ask for the specific helps that she needs.* You know, like a grown-up?

Or OP can continue to go on about her life and not feel bad about it. Only OP can answer whether she really wants their help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids!

And how's it going so far, hmm? Not well? What can change--will the ILs wake up one morning and magically understand that they need to take the initiative to help and the burden of doing all the traveling?

Or maybe--and I know this is crazy--OP can *directly and politely ask for the specific helps that she needs.* You know, like a grown-up?

Or OP can continue to go on about her life and not feel bad about it. Only OP can answer whether she really wants their help.

I think it's pretty obvious that OP wants the help. Read the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids!

And how's it going so far, hmm? Not well? What can change--will the ILs wake up one morning and magically understand that they need to take the initiative to help and the burden of doing all the traveling?

Or maybe--and I know this is crazy--OP can *directly and politely ask for the specific helps that she needs.* You know, like a grown-up?

Or OP can continue to go on about her life and not feel bad about it. Only OP can answer whether she really wants their help.

I think it's pretty obvious that OP wants the help. Read the thread.

Page 4 “I don’t even really need their help”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids!

And how's it going so far, hmm? Not well? What can change--will the ILs wake up one morning and magically understand that they need to take the initiative to help and the burden of doing all the traveling?

Or maybe--and I know this is crazy--OP can *directly and politely ask for the specific helps that she needs.* You know, like a grown-up?

Or OP can continue to go on about her life and not feel bad about it. Only OP can answer whether she really wants their help.

I think it's pretty obvious that OP wants the help. Read the thread.

Page 4 “I don’t even really need their help”.

NP. But the whole point of her first post was that she is feeling ignored by her inlaws and seems to want them to do something … I agree that OP needs to make the effort to keep her inlaws involved just so her kids are able to maintain a tie to their father. I know OP feels that isn't her job to help her kids maintain that tie but it really is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids? Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP.

The only way the grandparents can get used to taking the kids is by starting somewhere. Yes, the first time or two or three might involve some hand-holding on OP's part, but that isn't a reason to just not do it.

Your in-laws can probably be more self-sufficient than you realize. You have set certain expectations to how they deal with being in your home and now they behave accordingly. I'm sure if you didn't feed your in-laws dinner they wouldn't starve, they are adults. They are even adults who raised your husband. They can figure things out if you give them the space to do so.

OP, you would be wise to pay attention to this post. Yes, you will need to make a lot of effort the first few times until everyone is comfortable with the transition. But it will pay off if you make the effort. And be ready for your inlaws to do things a little differently than you do. It will all be okay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you need help, you need to recognize that that is a favor, and treat it as such. Instead of open-ended invites like "you can come visit anytime," be CLEAR and ASK:

"It would be so great if you could come visit next weekend. The kids would love to see you. I'll be honest--it would be a huge help to have an extra set of hands so that I could tackle a few closet clean-outs. And Mary, if you could bring your famous lasagna, I can't tell you how wonderful that would be. It's really hard with Jeff being gone."

Don't act like it's a favor to them to see your kids--I know it's wonderful for them to see them, but them driving to you doesn't make their lives easier, you know? I just get the sense like you feel very put-upon when it doesn't need to be that way. With some simple, clear communication, you could make it known that you would really appreciate some help with the kids.

You guys are really nice to the point of being doormats. OP doesn’t really want to see them - although it’s kind of unclear whether or not she wants their help. And now not only does she need to have them over but also make sure they feel properly appreciated?!?!

Oh, please. Here's what: it's *not all about OP.* It's also about grandkids and, to an extent, DH. I'm sure DH would feel better coming home to relatively calm family dynamics vs. fraught family dynamics.

And, I'm sorry, any time someone is asking for a meal or for someone else to take on the burden of traveling? Yeah, that's a favor. It's a favor that should be right there and relied-upon from family, but you still need to politely ask, not grumpily and resentfully expect. Does my cousin who just had her fourth child absolutely know she can count on me to give her an extra hand with some meals and some child care? Yes. But does she still politely ASK ME for these favors? Yes, because she knows and respects that I'm a busy working mom, too. She doesn't take me for granted, even while she is leaning on me.

But it can be about what OP needs while her husband is deployed. She doesn’t need to bend over backwards for the grandparents. They need to take some responsibility, too. It shouldn’t be a “burden” on the grandparents to travel to visit their grandkids!

And how's it going so far, hmm? Not well? What can change--will the ILs wake up one morning and magically understand that they need to take the initiative to help and the burden of doing all the traveling?

Or maybe--and I know this is crazy--OP can *directly and politely ask for the specific helps that she needs.* You know, like a grown-up?

Or OP can continue to go on about her life and not feel bad about it. Only OP can answer whether she really wants their help.

I think it's pretty obvious that OP wants the help. Read the thread.

Page 4 “I don’t even really need their help”.

NP. But the whole point of her first post was that she is feeling ignored by her inlaws and seems to want them to do something … I agree that OP needs to make the effort to keep her inlaws involved just so her kids are able to maintain a tie to their father. I know OP feels that isn't her job to help her kids maintain that tie but it really is!

That’s not how I read it. I read it as she was irritated her in laws were complaining to the SIL about not seeing her kids, yet made no effort. I agree it’s hard to figure out what OP wants and doesn’t want.
You may feel it is her job to maintain ties with the grandparents, but many people (myself included) don’t see it that way. Relationships are two sided and she doesn’t bear the brunt during a stressful time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids? Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP.

The only way the grandparents can get used to taking the kids is by starting somewhere. Yes, the first time or two or three might involve some hand-holding on OP's part, but that isn't a reason to just not do it.

Your in-laws can probably be more self-sufficient than you realize. You have set certain expectations to how they deal with being in your home and now they behave accordingly. I'm sure if you didn't feed your in-laws dinner they wouldn't starve, they are adults. They are even adults who raised your husband. They can figure things out if you give them the space to do so.

OP, you would be wise to pay attention to this post. Yes, you will need to make a lot of effort the first few times until everyone is comfortable with the transition. But it will pay off if you make the effort. And be ready for your inlaws to do things a little differently than you do. It will all be okay!

I think this assumes your in laws are teachable/healthy/reasonable people. Which for many of us, they aren’t. It doesn’t matter how much effort I put into it, or how tolerant I am of my MIL doing things differently, unfortunately she is never going to be mentally stable enough to come in and babysit alone. Grandparents on the other side are not physically able and one not teachable (for example refuses to use car seat properly). So for some of us, it will always be a chore that doesn’t have much return. And it is what it is. But no, it won’t always “all be okay”. It’s also ok to step back from those duties if you need to during deployment.
The people who had good relationships with their in laws before deployment will likely keep in close contact. People who had not so great relationships probably won’t. And the deployed spouses are also to blame for unhealthy relationships going in. I don’t feel like it’s up to the spouse at home to have to try to fix it on their own.

[Anonymous]

It is strange that they don't call you. Weird to me. By now there should have been some relationship between you and them even with DH at home and especially now that he is overseas. It is strange to me they didn't offer to come and help out, or even just take you out to lunch with kids or take the three year old to the zoo and you stay with the baby. Normal ils and families do these things for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids? Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP.

The only way the grandparents can get used to taking the kids is by starting somewhere. Yes, the first time or two or three might involve some hand-holding on OP's part, but that isn't a reason to just not do it.

Your in-laws can probably be more self-sufficient than you realize. You have set certain expectations to how they deal with being in your home and now they behave accordingly. I'm sure if you didn't feed your in-laws dinner they wouldn't starve, they are adults. They are even adults who raised your husband. They can figure things out if you give them the space to do so.

OP, you would be wise to pay attention to this post. Yes, you will need to make a lot of effort the first few times until everyone is comfortable with the transition. But it will pay off if you make the effort. And be ready for your inlaws to do things a little differently than you do. It will all be okay!

I think this assumes your in laws are teachable/healthy/reasonable people. Which for many of us, they aren’t. It doesn’t matter how much effort I put into it, or how tolerant I am of my MIL doing things differently, unfortunately she is never going to be mentally stable enough to come in and babysit alone. Grandparents on the other side are not physically able and one not teachable (for example refuses to use car seat properly). So for some of us, it will always be a chore that doesn’t have much return. And it is what it is. But no, it won’t always “all be okay”. It’s also ok to step back from those duties if you need to during deployment.
The people who had good relationships with their in laws before deployment will likely keep in close contact. People who had not so great relationships probably won’t. And the deployed spouses are also to blame for unhealthy relationships going in. I don’t feel like it’s up to the spouse at home to have to try to fix it on their own.

I see your point. I hope you see mine. In any relationship you have to accept people the way they are. There is no magic pill to give other people to make them into mini-me's or to turn them into "perfect" creatures. So unless the in-laws are violent criminals or will impart physical/emotional harm then many times it is better to ignore their little quirks for the sake of your family.

I didn't start out with a good relationship with my in-laws. They were and still do just drive me nuts. But I met them where they are because it was important to me that the people who loved my husband and children stay involved in their lives. So I took a lot of what I considered crap. Now I have in-laws who are vital parts of my children's lives. My children are better off for it, which is great because imo no child can have too many people love him/her. I certainly would have been much happier if I had been left alone in my little fiefdom where it was my way or the highway. My life would have been much easier for me! But my kids are better off now because I made the effort to keep my in-laws involved. I think a big part of that is because me and my ego stepped out of the way so that my kids could have more people love them.

I also agree with your point about the deployed spouse and their relationship with their parents. That doesn't seem to be the case here or at least OP hasn't mentioned it (although now she might because that seems to be her way). But since her husband is deployed then, yes, it does become OP's responsibility to maintain that relationship for her kids sake.