Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like my in-laws, but the main reason I keep my children in touch with them when DH is deployed is because if I had a son or daughter deployed, I would really appreciate their spouse or partner letting me see and keeping up with my grandkids.

OP here. But I'm not keeping the grandkids from them. If anything, I really need the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg. I told them months ago to visit whenever. I had a close family member die two weeks ago and it was hard not crying in front of the kids and I paid a babysitter to take them out to play for the worst of it. I also was in a wedding party last weekend which was about 16 hours of babysitting that I would have loved help with. My kids love the babysitter, but I'm sure they'd love their grandparents visiting mroe.

You've already invited them. You've fulfilled your obligated as a DIL. They have chosen not to come. This is on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like my in-laws, but the main reason I keep my children in touch with them when DH is deployed is because if I had a son or daughter deployed, I would really appreciate their spouse or partner letting me see and keeping up with my grandkids.

OP here. But I'm not keeping the grandkids from them. If anything, I really need the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg. I told them months ago to visit whenever. I had a close family member die two weeks ago and it was hard not crying in front of the kids and I paid a babysitter to take them out to play for the worst of it. I also was in a wedding party last weekend which was about 16 hours of babysitting that I would have loved help with. My kids love the babysitter, but I'm sure they'd love their grandparents visiting mroe.

Oh, FFS. You started out as sympathetic, OP, but now you seem ridiculous. You want them to come help, but you don't even ask them to visit, which in your mind amounts to getting on your knees and begging. And you don't ever call them, so it's not like they have any indication that you *want* them to visit - in fact, exactly the opposite.

If you ask them to come, telling them that you really can't manage a trip by yourself with the kids, and they don't, you have a gripe. But now, you appear to be pissed because they can't accurately read yoru mind, and don't come to visit/help despite you sending signals that you don't want them to.

Use your words, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like my in-laws, but the main reason I keep my children in touch with them when DH is deployed is because if I had a son or daughter deployed, I would really appreciate their spouse or partner letting me see and keeping up with my grandkids.

OP here. But I'm not keeping the grandkids from them. If anything, I really need the help, but I'm not going to get on my knees and beg. I told them months ago to visit whenever. I had a close family member die two weeks ago and it was hard not crying in front of the kids and I paid a babysitter to take them out to play for the worst of it. I also was in a wedding party last weekend which was about 16 hours of babysitting that I would have loved help with. My kids love the babysitter, but I'm sure they'd love their grandparents visiting mroe.

That's not a real invitation. Invite them for specific dates/times. If you would like them to watch the kids for a couple of hours, ask them. "I was going to hire a babysitter so I could do X, but I know the kids would love to see you. Would you like to babysit?" That's not "getting on your knees and begging," that's using your words and not expecting them to be mindreaders. If they only want you to visit, then you're off the hook. "I'm sorry, I just have too much on my plate with DH deployed. We'll have to schedule a visit after he's back."

[Anonymous]

YOU should not make this about them helping

YOU should actually invite them, given them a couple dates to choose from

A true invitation to visit you every 6 months is minimal, IMO,
if they aren't initiating

HUSBAND needs to be the one to tell them that it won't be convenient immediately when he gets home to see them

[Anonymous]

Op, there is a difference beteeen saying “visit whenever you want” vs “I have a wedding this week, any chance you want to visit the kids. It would help me out.”
My husband left for a 2 month long training class a week after our son was born. We knew this would happen, so I called my mom and my ILs and explained the situation, and I told them “I’m going to need help” and we worked out a schedule where they both came and helped out.

I know it’s hard and frustrating dealing with ILS. But maybe they don’t want to intrude or feel like they are interfering with your weekend plans. And they might feel comfortable asking for a visit with your husband is home.

Send an email that says “Hey! I could really use some help this weekend. Would you want to come down for a little visit? The kids miss you, and I could use some adult interaction too!”

[Anonymous]

OMG. They are not mind readers.

Pick up the phone and invite them over. They are probably hesitant to call you because 1. you're busy and 2. you seem pretty cold to them.

Bonus is it's a couple of extra sets of hands to help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. They are not mind readers.

Pick up the phone and invite them over. They are probably hesitant to call you because 1. you're busy and 2. you seem pretty cold to them.

Bonus is it's a couple of extra sets of hands to help you.

Betcha anything they're sitting there saying "Why doesn't she call and invite us? I guess she doesn't need us or have any interest in letting us see our grandchildren."

[Anonymous]

Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. They are not mind readers.

Pick up the phone and invite them over. They are probably hesitant to call you because 1. you're busy and 2. you seem pretty cold to them.

Bonus is it's a couple of extra sets of hands to help you.

Betcha anything they're sitting there saying "Why doesn't she call and invite us? I guess she doesn't need us or have any interest in letting us see our grandchildren."

OP here. Yes. This is what's happening. That's what they told my SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. They are not mind readers.

Pick up the phone and invite them over. They are probably hesitant to call you because 1. you're busy and 2. you seem pretty cold to them.

Bonus is it's a couple of extra sets of hands to help you.

Betcha anything they're sitting there saying "Why doesn't she call and invite us? I guess she doesn't need us or have any interest in letting us see our grandchildren."

OP here. Yes. This is what's happening. That's what they told my SIL.

OP you seem really dense. Call them and invite them to visit! Give them some specific dates when you need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

I think that’s weird and unfriendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. You talk to your parents daily and have your older kid FaceTime them a few times a week but you don’t do anything like that for the other grandparents? Seems like you could very easily drop one of the phone calls and FaceTime sessions with your family (and still be talking to them 6 days a week!) and call/FaceTime your in laws once a week.

OP here. Yes I talk to my parents daily because I'm very close to them. I always have. I call a lot from work, lunch breaks or my ride home. I guess I should be the bigger person and call my inlaws, but it's hard and I have nothing to talk about with them. I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role. If they called the kids to facetime them, that would be awesome, they just don't. Also, my toddler isn't very vocal, so they don't like facetiming her when DH does it. They mostly just talk to DH and look at DD (whereas my parents sing to her and play games).

I do want them to visit but I don't think they want to visit without DH. They never come to our house and only want us to come there (which I am not doing).

So be clear: “With DH away, I need to ask that you come to us if you would like to see the kids. We would love to have you for a weekend or day trip, but it needs to be here.”

And tell the SIL who shares the complaints to you that a) they need to be willing to travel and b) you don’t really want the burden of hearing their complaints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. They are not mind readers.

Pick up the phone and invite them over. They are probably hesitant to call you because 1. you're busy and 2. you seem pretty cold to them.

Bonus is it's a couple of extra sets of hands to help you.

Betcha anything they're sitting there saying "Why doesn't she call and invite us? I guess she doesn't need us or have any interest in letting us see our grandchildren."

OP here. Yes. This is what's happening. That's what they told my SIL.

OP, what is it that you want? If you don't care if you see the ILs and and don't want/need family help and don't desire to do anything to facilitate interaction with them, then continue to do nothing. But if you do that, you can't then pretend to care what they think about it.

If you want some actual help from the ILs occasionally, then CALL THEM. It sounds like you think they are capable of being helpful (e.g., while you are at a wedding). If that's true, and you'd like their help, CALL THEM AND ASK. Or are you under the impression that your MIL is a mind-reader and therefore knows all on her own when you've got a wedding to attend or a death to process?

The worst, most annoying possible option (for everyone, including those of us on DCUM) is for you to continue to do nothing while also complaining here about the fact that they are complaining.

[Anonymous]

My dad was military and he fought in two wars. He was gone more than he was here. My mom basically raised the 4 of us by herself. She didn't have FaceTime or anything like that. She called her in-laws once a week and she typed a long letter to them twice a week.

In return, they called once a week, too. They sent letters. They also sent a TON of care packages. They were much further away than your in-laws but they came to see us at least 2x a year and they would tell us kids that it was just to "spell your momma" for a bit. They stayed in a hotel because military housing is tiny but they would have slept on the floor in the living room if they needed to.

Frankly, they and my mom didn't get along really great but they were there for her when she needed them because she let them know that she needed them. I think that if you want contact then you need to reach out and ask for it. Your in-laws probably don't want to intrude because they're afraid that you will blast them for encroaching into your boundaries. Maybe not but maybe so.

You're right that it is awkward to put a 2 year old on the phone or to FaceTime. But she can sit on your lap while you FaceTime or be running around in the background. If that feels too intrusive, then just pick up the phone and call. Until you start being regular about it, you might want the first words out of your mouth to be "don't worry, everything is fine, but I'm just calling to say "hi". Then have 2-3 little stories about your little one or your husband and hang up. Wait a few days or a week, and repeat. If your child draws a pretty picture, put it in an envelope and mail it to them. The more you reach out to them, the more they may want to reach out to you. Maybe even ask if they want to come for lunch on a Sunday.

I think if you start to build the bridge, pretty soon they'll be helping you. As I was growing up I know my mom always remarked that it was her initiative that kept my dad's parents in touch and involved. She could barely get him to write letters to us, let alone his folks. So if you want them involved then you may need to take the first steps. Just remember that you all are going to have to work it out and there will be some mistakes. Be ready for that and go with the flow.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. They are not mind readers.

Pick up the phone and invite them over. They are probably hesitant to call you because 1. you're busy and 2. you seem pretty cold to them.

Bonus is it's a couple of extra sets of hands to help you.

Betcha anything they're sitting there saying "Why doesn't she call and invite us? I guess she doesn't need us or have any interest in letting us see our grandchildren."

OP here. Yes. This is what's happening. That's what they told my SIL.

OP, what is it that you want? If you don't care if you see the ILs and and don't want/need family help and don't desire to do anything to facilitate interaction with them, then continue to do nothing. But if you do that, you can't then pretend to care what they think about it.

If you want some actual help from the ILs occasionally, then CALL THEM. It sounds like you think they are capable of being helpful (e.g., while you are at a wedding). If that's true, and you'd like their help, CALL THEM AND ASK. Or are you under the impression that your MIL is a mind-reader and therefore knows all on her own when you've got a wedding to attend or a death to process?

The worst, most annoying possible option (for everyone, including those of us on DCUM) is for you to continue to do nothing while also complaining here about the fact that they are complaining.

+1 Call them!