Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?
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Anonymous
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If you husband is overseas or deployed for months at a time (not years thankfully for me) what is your role with the inlaws? I'm holding down the fort here, working full time and am acting for two parents for my toddler (almost 3) and baby (1). I'm doing a great job, but I'm barely hanging on. I feel a lot of pressure to be "on" whenever my kids are awake. I have a lot of activities planned for us and weekends especially are my times to get together with other moms who I feel help me cope.
My parents are cross country but I talk to them daily and DD facetimes them a couple of times a week. It helps me not be so lonely when I have another adult to talk to in my day. My inlaws are 2 hours away and I haven't heard from them in about 5 weeks now. They don't text, call or visit. I've heard from my SIL that they're upset with this arrangement. I'd put my toddler on the phone to facetime, but she's not good at it and doesn't really respond and hangs up frequently. As soon as DH returns they want us to visit them, but that's the last thing we want to do (DH included). I'm somewhat bitter they haven't visited us at all when he's gone, so I don't see why I owe them anything. What are other people doing? How do you manage two family sides by yourself? |
Anonymous
| Why don't you INVITE them? "Hi, would you like to come visit me and the kids one weekend in June? We could have brunch and then go to the park before Larla's nap." |
Anonymous
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Have you invited them to come to visit you or otherwise made it clear they are welcome?
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Anonymous
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"I heard you were upset with not seeing us while DH is deployed. You have to understand that I am just one person, employed full time, managing two children and the house. I can't do everything and I'm exhausted. If you want to see the children, please call and arrange to drive here at a mutually convenient time. When DH comes home, his priority will be to his family, ie me and the kids, so we won't be able to visit you immediately." I would take the lead here, instead of waiting for a deployed husband to handle it. |
Anonymous
| Agreed - it SUCKS but sounds like they would benefit from an invitation. And email some pictures every week or so (even just quickly from your phone - ones you might send your husband anyway and cc them). Hang in there! |
Anonymous
| Why are all of you giving this woman yet another thing to do? She's managing the kids and working! Her DH should have set this up before he left because it is HIS family. OP - first decide what involvement you want from your in-laws. Some people would be thrilled with this arrangement. Then, if you do want involvement, get your DH on board and have him contact them. |
Anonymous
That message above seems a little harsh (and I say that as someone who has had IL issues). I would suggest sending an email suggesting a couple options that might work for them seeing the kids that would work for you. So, would it be better to, say, have them spend the day with the kids while you are at work and only see them for dinner? Come for a weekend? Some hybrid? Suggest a scenario and a couple of dates and see where it gets you. If they push back, want you to come to them, etc, then I'd pull the, "Look, the best option by far for the kids and me is for you to come to us. I'm overloaded with DH gone, and the house is set up for their needs right now. I very much want you to see the kids, but please help make it easier for me instead of harder during this time." |
Anonymous
That's not how deployments tend to work. Yes, the OP is overloaded. However, this is the one instance where it really makes no sense for DH to handle the communications with his side of the family. He doesn't know what she's dealing with, what works for her. What he could do that would be useful is to encourage them to reach out and offer help/visits. |
Anonymous
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OP I agree that your ILs should visit. Could your DH talk to them now about visiting you before he returns?
FaceTime is best done during a meal. With toddlers, eventually you can use it to your advantage - it can keep them occupied and buy you 30 seconds to get up from the table to pull something from the fridge, etc. We used meals to FaceTime "train" our kids with their overseas grandparents. They do ok now that they are older. |
Anonymous
He's not in Cleveland for a week, he's deployed overseas. The communications are a bit different. OP, my husband isn't military but has a similar travel schedule for work. During the months he is abroad, I manage my in-laws roughly the same as DH and I would if he were home in terms of initiating phone calls and inviting them for visits. It's not for my benefit it (it's just an extra chore for me) but for my kids so that their father's work doesn't interfere with them developing relationships with their extended family. |
Anonymous
I’m not sure what you mean by the first sentence. My dh is currently deployed. He has way more free time than I do. I frequently text him pictures or videos of the kids. If he wants his mom to have them, he can text them just as easily as I can. Most Soldiers have full access to email and FaceTime, so he can facilitate communication. The spouse at home doesn’t have to do everything. I know my husband would happily push it all on me, but when he’s deployed it’s about what makes my life easier. If the ILs need to wait, they can. |
Anonymous
You want her deployed husband to coordinate schedules for a visit he's not going to be at? |
Anonymous
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OP here. He's not military, he's a contractor and he definitely has less free time than me. He's working long hours and the time zone is bad so DH can only facetime us on the weekends (he texts every few days in the morning when I'm at work). Spotty internet too. I don't think his parents are texting him though either.
I'm not going to call them begging for help because I'm muddling through just fine, but it would have been nice. |
Anonymous
| I’m confused. You want to see them or you don’t? |
Anonymous
| I would call and offer them a couple of time to visit that work with your schedule. If they don't want to come visit you, too bad for them, but if they were just waiting to be invited, you've solve the problem. |