Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Call them and invite them to visit for the day. Ask if they will help out, get groceries, babysit while you do these things, since you haven't other help right now. Let them know you would appreciate help and a visit.

[Anonymous]

If you are so uncomfortable calling them, have your SIL (who you seem close with) do your dirty work. She can call her parents and say “I was talking with Larla and she’s really got her hands full. I know she’d love some extra help. Why don’t you call and offer to visit for an overnight or a weekend? I know she’s given us an open invitation but I think we should start taking her up on it and giving her a hand while Larlo is away.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are so uncomfortable calling them, have your SIL (who you seem close with) do your dirty work. She can call her parents and say “I was talking with Larla and she’s really got her hands full. I know she’d love some extra help. Why don’t you call and offer to visit for an overnight or a weekend? I know she’s given us an open invitation but I think we should start taking her up on it and giving her a hand while Larlo is away.”

NP Great suggestion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Love this advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role.

This is your problem. You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents. You need to get over this. Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father. Give them this connection to their father through his family.

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

I think that’s weird and unfriendly.

So what?

[Anonymous]

I think you are getting crap advice on this thread. YOU are the one who is a single parent; YOU are the one who is missing your husband; THEY are the ones who should be calling you asking if you need anything or how they can help. Between kids, the kids schedules, the house, the dogs, my job, and keeping my children stable and secure with their father gone, I, personally, could not handle one more person asking me to do one more thing.

Your in-laws are grown ups with far less on their plate. They should step up and ask you what you need and how they can help you. They should do the calling and make sure you know that this is now their responsibility. My parents do and so do my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

I think that’s weird and unfriendly.

I vote you get a pass to be “weird and unfriendly” when your husband is deployed if that makes your life easier. Explain to me again why the onus is on the busy wife/mother?

[Anonymous]

Ask them to babysit so you can take a night off. Let them know you're feeling overwhelmed. They are your family now. Treat them accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are getting crap advice on this thread. YOU are the one who is a single parent; YOU are the one who is missing your husband; THEY are the ones who should be calling you asking if you need anything or how they can help. Between kids, the kids schedules, the house, the dogs, my job, and keeping my children stable and secure with their father gone, I, personally, could not handle one more person asking me to do one more thing.

Your in-laws are grown ups with far less on their plate. They should step up and ask you what you need and how they can help you. They should do the calling and make sure you know that this is now their responsibility. My parents do and so do my in-laws.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask them to babysit so you can take a night off. Let them know you're feeling overwhelmed. They are your family now. Treat them accordingly.

Says someone with normal in-laws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are all of you giving this woman yet another thing to do? She's managing the kids and working! Her DH should have set this up before he left because it is HIS family. OP - first decide what involvement you want from your in-laws. Some people would be thrilled with this arrangement. Then, if you do want involvement, get your DH on board and have him contact them.

Um...

He is deployed, not at some.sales conference in Vegas.

Sorry, but this is on OP.

The people above had some good advice. This poster does not. Ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are all of you giving this woman yet another thing to do? She's managing the kids and working! Her DH should have set this up before he left because it is HIS family. OP - first decide what involvement you want from your in-laws. Some people would be thrilled with this arrangement. Then, if you do want involvement, get your DH on board and have him contact them.

That's not how deployments tend to work.

Yes, the OP is overloaded. However, this is the one instance where it really makes no sense for DH to handle the communications with his side of the family. He doesn't know what she's dealing with, what works for her.

What he could do that would be useful is to encourage them to reach out and offer help/visits.

I’m not sure what you mean by the first sentence. My dh is currently deployed. He has way more free time than I do. I frequently text him pictures or videos of the kids. If he wants his mom to have them, he can text them just as easily as I can. Most Soldiers have full access to email and FaceTime, so he can facilitate communication. The spouse at home doesn’t have to do everything. I know my husband would happily push it all on me, but when he’s deployed it’s about what makes my life easier. If the ILs need to wait, they can.

Navy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exact same situation here. DH is on a nine month deployment and in-laws live across the country. We are happy to FaceTime with them whenever they call but I do not initiate any calls.

It is what it is.

I think that’s weird and unfriendly.

I vote you get a pass to be “weird and unfriendly” when your husband is deployed if that makes your life easier. Explain to me again why the onus is on the busy wife/mother?

I’m in this situation with a deployed husband, FT work, and three young children. I call my in-laws once a week because I know it means a lot to them. I do it when it’s convenient for me, and because they know they can count on hearing from me, I don’t have to dodge random calls from them or talk to them if they’ve called at a particularly busy moment.