Reply to Husband overseas/deployed- my role with inlaws?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] I hate that this has fallen on me and I just can't stand that I have another role. [/quote]

This is your problem.  You resent your husband for being away and are taking it out on his parents.  You need to get over this.  Start thinking of your in-laws less as your husband's burdensome family and more as your children's grandparents. Make an effort to include them in your children's lives, they are already living with an absent father.  Give them this connection to their father through his family. [/quote]

Op here. I don't resent my husband at all. I just don't have the bandwidth to add more of my plate.

I think this thread confirmed what I thought- that it was my fault and I should be doing more. Which seems to be the answer to everything which sucks for me. I don't even really need their help, I'm just annoyed that they whined about not seeing my kids when they didn't even ask me. Last time dh was gone for a long time they used to text me saying "wish the grandkids were here" and I texted back that they could be there any time they wanted. That I'm sure they'd enjoy that activity more than daycare. I think they like the idea of seeing our kids but don't want to babysit or see them without dh there. Btw, my kids are super easy going and they aren't the issue. [/quote]

OP, I'm sorry you're not getting the sympathy you want.  I guess I don't see that your unhappiness with your in-laws is deserved on their part.  They are not mind readers.  If you want your husband's parents to be more involved then you are going to have to be more proactive and welcoming to them to make that happen.  One way for you to make it easier for yourself is to ask your in-laws for help.  You may have to go out of your way to be accommodating.  [i]The kids and I would love to see you.  Would you be interested in coming down next Tuesday?  You could spend the night in our guest room and then on Wednesday you could take the kids to the zoo.  It would be a special treat and they would love the break from day care![/i]  [/quote]
That’s lovely and all but do you actually do this when your husband is deployed? I would be resentful AF to have to cater and be proactive and welcoming to retired grandparents when I’m barely getting an hour to myself for months on end. [/quote]

Yeah, that is stupid.  Why on earth would the GPs come during the week?  That isn't giving OP a break at ALL.  some of you are ridiculous with your expectations for this overloaded mom struggling alone.[/quote]

NP and although I agree weekend help would be better for OP, what exactly is so hard about inviting grandparents to the house to stay overnight and take the kids for the day?  Those aren't ridiculous expectations for OP.  It's literally an email and opening the door to the grandparents when they arrive, it doesn't get easier than that.[/quote]

Maybe we have very different in laws, but mine would not be a matter of simply opening the door and sending them to the zoo or whatever. I would have to pack a bag, plan the days activities, move car seats and instruct them how to use, dress and sunscreen kids, feed in laws dinner. Maybe some of yours come in self sufficient, but I highly doubt it’s as simple as opening the door and getting a break. Seems like it would be loads easier to keep to her normal routine - routine is what gets me through deployments. Suddenly these in laws who dont even initiate communication are going to come in and plan a fun day for the kids?  Unless they are used to taking the kids on a frequent basis, it’s probably going to create extra work for OP. [/quote]

I just went through this with a deployed dh for 9 months. My in laws are local and older and lovely if a little clueless. I packed dd a bag and snacks and gave instructions and was able to leave her at their house for a couple hours at a time towards he end of the deployment.  We started with them coming to our house for a couple hours and I would run an errand or just go for coffeee. They still can’t feed her a non snack meal by themselves or put her to bed but will happily play for 3 hrs and are managing with potty training too. It was a lot of work with frequent visits so they and dd would get used to eqch other. And it paid off. Now dd doesn’t notice when I leave and is super content to hang out with them and they feel confident. It depends if it’s worth it to you to build that relationship between your children and grandparents because it won’t build itself. [/quote]

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