What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now

It is doable, of course. I just don't understand why a woman would do this to herself. Are you absolutely positively sure he is your only viable option for a family?

This, OP, x 1000.

Of course it's doable. If he is absolutely the man you want to love now and forever, and are willing to walk over hot coals for, then go for it. Just realize that you are signing up for a lot of problems here that you would not have in other circumstances. EVERY marriage has some problems, but this is coming with a built-in set that you cannot even anticipate yet (nor can he), nor figure out how to deal with. The major issue is: Other people are going to always have a say in your life (his ex, their kids), whereas if you marry someone without this type of baggage you are, more or less, starting with a clean slate.

Only you can decide if you are OK with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op please keep in mind that most of the negative responses you've gotten are from people who a) are clearly not nor have ever been in this situation and b) don't seem to think this guy deserves any credit or happiness because his first marriage didn't make it. From those of us who have been there you have gotten cautionary advice but the general message that although sometimes hard, doable and worth it and rewarding if done well.

Thanks for this - the other comments seem to be pretty hopeless but you're right it sounds like a lot of "my friend did this..." or people with totally hostile / unstable ex's

This is a good recent radio show on blended families, that includes some researchers:
http://onpoint.wbur.org/2016/01/27/blended-families-step-families-divorce

From what I heard on the show-research does find that it's quite hard to blend families successfully, it takes a lot of work and time (years), and the success or failure sometimes depends on the developmental stages of the kids involved. For some families it works out really well, and for some families it's hard but works out with time, but as someone contemplating this situation it's really important to be honest and have eyes open. I wouldn't say don't do it, but I think you are right to be thoughtful and cautious. I know posters here make fun of people who suggest therapy for everything, but I think it's a good idea to do a couple sessions with a family therapist or social worker just to help you and future husband (if that's what you decide to do) to make sure that you are aware of the questions you need to ask each other and the issues you need to address going in.

[Anonymous]

OP, DH's teenage nephew lives with us full time. We have a best-case scenario where DH and I have a great marriage, nephew is a really well behaved respectful kid who loves his little cousins, and nephews father sends us some money for his care every month. Even in this situation, it has still put a strain on our marriage. It's just hard to have an unrelated kid in your house that you have to take care of and possibly discipline, no matter how much you agree in theory that their needs should come first. And if you're not good at acting, you'd better work on it because when you resent the kids (and you will) you cannot let them hear it in your voice or see it on your face. just keep reminding yourself this situation isn't their fault and the ultimate goal is to have good relationships with them as adults, and whatever annoying teenage shit they're doing is just a phase that won't last.

[Anonymous]

OP, my ex and I have both remarried since our divorce. We have one child together. He has one child with his second wife. DH and I are planning to have another child, but don't have one yet.

A few things to note:

1) How your man and his ex interact - in what contexts, how often, with what tone - is really, really important. How do they coordinate things like school holidays? How do they decide about activities for the kid? Do they maintain some awareness of each other's lives outside of kids? My ex and I used to have a fairly cordial relationship; I would say it was similar to any close acquaintance I had - we knew each other's general work situation, informed each other if something major happened with one of our families of origin, etc. When his wife came into the picture, that pretty much all stopped because for whatever reasons, she is not comfortable with us having any kind of relationship that is personal beyond talking about DD. She also wants to participate in decisions about DD (camps, extras, etc.). She doesn't want or have a "vote" (nor does my husband), but she is not comfortable with those conversations taking place without her. I'm not particularly thrilled about that dynamic, but I will respect his desire to include her because it costs me nothing to do so.

2) re: the money: definitely talk about what his financial commitments are for his kids, all down the line. My ex and I have some pretty strict agreements about what our priorities are for DD going forward, money-wise. We talked about those things with our new partners pretty much immediately. DH knows who much ex pays in child support, what financial things he's responsible for now, what our agreement is for DD's college, etc. Those things factor into our conversations about having another child as well, because it's important to me that we do not set up any hugely dramatic double standards (kid 1 goes to fancy private school, kid 2 goes to terrible public school - or something like that).

3) I don't really agree with the points about "your needs coming last" or the needs of your bio kid coming last. I think that mostly depends on how the relationship between the exes is. For us, having 2 families means that DD's needs are 200% covered at all times. I cannot think of a time when I have ignored DH's needs because something was going on with DD that I needed to attend to, though she's still young, so I suppose there's plenty of time for that in the future. I don't see our kid-adult need balance as being fundamentally different than in any other marriage with children. If anything, because we share custody with my ex and his wife, DH and I get MORE time to attend to each other's needs than other married couples we know.

4) Most importantly, re: the kids. I can only speak for myself, but as the bio parent, it was really important to me that DH and DD develop a relationship with each other that independent of me. It was important that they get to know each other and figure out ways to relate to each other that were special. They share a couple of interests that are not my interests. He loves teaching her things. He is better at some kid-maintenance things than I am. When they first met, I tried to have that happen in neutral situations. We'd go out to dinner, or we'd go to a park. There is a lot of difference of opinion on this site about when that sort of thing is appropriate. Personally, there was NO WAY that I was going to agree to marry someone without seeing how he and DD clicked. In your situation, there would be no way that I'd agree to marry someone without seeing what his relationship with his kids was like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of impressions from an ex:

1. Really understand his financial commitments. A gasp went up in the courtroom when we went through the opulent lifestyle my ex had agreed to fund 50% for the kids and the life insurance requirements with the kids as sole beneficiary that are in our agreement. I know my ex, and any new kids will not be getting the lavish lifestyle he is jointly funding for mine. That's why it is in the agreement - he's big on buying things for himself.

2. This love them like your own stuff may be nice and even age appropriate depending on how young the kids are, but my kids would tell you to take a leap. They've always been clear on who Mommy is. They aren't even that nice to our nanny at times (which I correct them for). Do you think Daddy's girlfriend stands a chance? They know exactly why we got divorced even though I never bad mouthed him. Do you think your boyfriend's kids don't know he walked out on them? That is going to come home to roost with you.

3. Honestly, the only people I know who have blended families well either did it when the kids were college age or where one had no kids, the ex wasn't in the picture really, and there were no new kids.

Op, this is the reason you don't want to be dealing with an ex....

Or tweens and teens, which is coming up for OP. My ex has had one girlfriend since the split. The kids pronounced her creepy and refused to have anything to do with her ever again. Of course my ex shouldn't have introduced them before the relationship was established and without being honest with them, but that's him. The kids were right, too. She lasted a few weeks before wigging him out by talking about what a great dad he'd be to her son. Textbook how not to do dating with kids. If he does it again, I would not be surprised if he damages his relationship with the kids.

I think 6 months is too soon, honestly. Maybe a year if you are really really sure about the relationship. Even then, anyone I date had better understand my kids have a father, and he ain't it, so to speak. I have the same expectations - that people back off trying to supplant the other parent - for anyone I bring into the picture as I do for anyone he does. Of course, we were married for 20 years, so anybody involved is going to have to deal with that, just as I expect to if the person I date has kids with an ex. I have spent some time thinking about this because I was dating somebody with an even longer marriage and similarly aged children (whom I did not meet just as he did not meet mine). I think the right play is always respectful to the ex and understanding they were on the scene long before you. I honestly can't see getting married again or even moving in until everyone is away at college. At this point it is only 7 more years. I'm not in a rush. I don't need a new daddy for my kids. I want a husband. The right guy will be willing to take it slow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of impressions from an ex:

1. Really understand his financial commitments. A gasp went up in the courtroom when we went through the opulent lifestyle my ex had agreed to fund 50% for the kids and the life insurance requirements with the kids as sole beneficiary that are in our agreement. I know my ex, and any new kids will not be getting the lavish lifestyle he is jointly funding for mine. That's why it is in the agreement - he's big on buying things for himself.

2. This love them like your own stuff may be nice and even age appropriate depending on how young the kids are, but my kids would tell you to take a leap. They've always been clear on who Mommy is. They aren't even that nice to our nanny at times (which I correct them for). Do you think Daddy's girlfriend stands a chance? They know exactly why we got divorced even though I never bad mouthed him. Do you think your boyfriend's kids don't know he walked out on them? That is going to come home to roost with you.

3. Honestly, the only people I know who have blended families well either did it when the kids were college age or where one had no kids, the ex wasn't in the picture really, and there were no new kids.

Op, this is the reason you don't want to be dealing with an ex....

Yeah exes like this who take pride in raising bratty kids are definitely not the ideal blended family match. Dammit, it wasn't enough to be married and miserable, she's going to make him suffer in divorce as well, along with any woman who dares to enter his orbit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - no cheating, we met about a year after his divorce / 3 years after mine.

Why should I expect his parents to like her a lot more

Pp - why the biggest mistake of your life

To the happy pp - what made it work for you

Because she's the mother of their grandchildren. They're going to make the relationship with her a positive one, if they have any sense, to maintain grandchild access, even if it isn't good for their relationship with you.

Remember, OP, you are asking to join a family that has gone through a significant disturbance. 18 months is not very much time in the context of a divorce with children. You (and your boyfriend) are asking alllllll these people to welcome you into the family, and accommodate your schedule, needs, and preferences, on top of all the compromises they've already had to make for the divorce. They may not be very interested in doing so if it means giving up something that they value. Like, for example, if they miss out on a holiday with their grandkids because you want to take the baby to your side of the family. Remember that a divorce with children affects the whole family.

You think you are a good match for your boyfriend-- of course! Nothing wrong with that. But his parents and others may not agree. Or they may think it's too soon (for him or for the kids), or that he is not ready for a relationship at all. Your boyfriend certainly has the right to date and re-marry, but other people don't have to like or support any particular relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

[Anonymous]

No matter how great he is, there has to be somebody equally great or better with less baggage.

You have no idea what you are signing on for.

[Anonymous]

OP, six months of dating really isn't that much. And 18 months after the divorce isn't a whole lot either. The kids are probably still reeling (even if they won't admit it) and a new marriage will further destabilize them.

If you want to move forward with the relationship in other ways, how about meeting with a family counselor and financial pro to work through some of the issues raised here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - no cheating, we met about a year after his divorce / 3 years after mine.

Why should I expect his parents to like her a lot more

Pp - why the biggest mistake of your life

To the happy pp - what made it work for you

Because she's the mother of their grandchildren. They're going to make the relationship with her a positive one, if they have any sense, to maintain grandchild access, even if it isn't good for their relationship with you.

Remember, OP, you are asking to join a family that has gone through a significant disturbance. 18 months is not very much time in the context of a divorce with children. You (and your boyfriend) are asking alllllll these people to welcome you into the family, and accommodate your schedule, needs, and preferences, on top of all the compromises they've already had to make for the divorce. They may not be very interested in doing so if it means giving up something that they value. Like, for example, if they miss out on a holiday with their grandkids because you want to take the baby to your side of the family. Remember that a divorce with children affects the whole family.

You think you are a good match for your boyfriend-- of course! Nothing wrong with that. But his parents and others may not agree. Or they may think it's too soon (for him or for the kids), or that he is not ready for a relationship at all. Your boyfriend certainly has the right to date and re-marry, but other people don't have to like or support any particular relationship.

I'm the ex. My ex-husband's family of origin respect me as DD's mom, but they do not "like me more." We are cordial with each other when we interact, which is almost never, but we do not need to make our relationship anything. They have plenty of grandchild access via their son (and his new wife).

Again, I think that many of these dynamics would exist in a first marriage with children as well. My ex's parents could be resentful if we took DD to see my family at Christmas. The only thing that has changed is that there are now multiple possible places that DD would be at Christmas other than their house. It doesn't really matter if it's "with his wife's parents" or "with his ex's parents" because those both add up to "is not here."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter how great he is, there has to be somebody equally great or better with less baggage.

You have no idea what you are signing on for.

I'm not the OP, but I prefer to look at people on their own merits, rather than as a series of options. If she loves THIS man, then why does it matter if there is someone "better with less baggage?"

As for her not knowing what she's signing on for, that was the point of her post. So if your point is "What you need to know is you know nothing" then great, but I don't see how that's useful.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids and DH has 2. We've been married for 6 years and we dated for 3 years before that. When we met the kids were small (3yo to 8yo). There are phases to a family that you go through. It is not all good and not all bad. Depending on the ages of the kids, what their issues are, what external stressors that you also have in your life (job loss, health issues, etc), you go through it.

Your home will not be your own. Your furniture will get abused. You home may be messy a lot of the time. A lot of things that I tolerate just fine with my bio kids I'm annoyed by with my SKs.

I'm in a good place now, and I think my marriage and family are good as well, but I just went through a lot of hell after SS stole money from me (we found out and got it back). No, this is nothing that I ever could have planned or thought of or even knew how I would react before I got married.

A lot of his ex's choices and will somehow effect you. Does the ex work and pay for things for the kids or does she expect your bf to pay for everything? Does the ex take the kids to their activities, is she an very involved mom? In my case I am a very involved mom and my ex does little. He pays child support and sees them EOWE and that is about it. My husband's ex does absolutely nothing so DH is on the hook for everything. It can be very stressful.

In the end I still am very happy with DH and glad that we have a life together.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you and how old is your boyfriend? Do you have any reason to anticipate fertility problems? I have a friend who is going through IVF and is also a step-parent, and it's been sooooo hard for her. So hard to see her husband being a father when she doesn't have a biological child of her own. So hard to delay IVF because they can't afford it due to his child support. So hard to not have 100% of her husband's time and attention.

Does your boyfriend actually want another baby, or is he agreeing to it because you want it? I ask because I've seen this situation go seriously awry when there are fertility problems. If the man doesn't actually want the baby badly enough to do IVF, things can get really really unhappy. And then of course, what about twins?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - no cheating, we met about a year after his divorce / 3 years after mine.

Why should I expect his parents to like her a lot more

Pp - why the biggest mistake of your life

To the happy pp - what made it work for you

Because she's the mother of their grandchildren. They're going to make the relationship with her a positive one, if they have any sense, to maintain grandchild access, even if it isn't good for their relationship with you.

Remember, OP, you are asking to join a family that has gone through a significant disturbance. 18 months is not very much time in the context of a divorce with children. You (and your boyfriend) are asking alllllll these people to welcome you into the family, and accommodate your schedule, needs, and preferences, on top of all the compromises they've already had to make for the divorce. They may not be very interested in doing so if it means giving up something that they value. Like, for example, if they miss out on a holiday with their grandkids because you want to take the baby to your side of the family. Remember that a divorce with children affects the whole family.

You think you are a good match for your boyfriend-- of course! Nothing wrong with that. But his parents and others may not agree. Or they may think it's too soon (for him or for the kids), or that he is not ready for a relationship at all. Your boyfriend certainly has the right to date and re-marry, but other people don't have to like or support any particular relationship.

I'm the ex. My ex-husband's family of origin respect me as DD's mom, but they do not "like me more." We are cordial with each other when we interact, which is almost never, but we do not need to make our relationship anything. They have plenty of grandchild access via their son (and his new wife).

Again, I think that many of these dynamics would exist in a first marriage with children as well. My ex's parents could be resentful if we took DD to see my family at Christmas. The only thing that has changed is that there are now multiple possible places that DD would be at Christmas other than their house. It doesn't really matter if it's "with his wife's parents" or "with his ex's parents" because those both add up to "is not here."

I disagree, I think you are adding more people, places, schedules, preferences, and feelings to the system. Now instead of just your boyfriend, his wife, and her extended family, there's all that and then you and your extended family too. It becomes a scheduling and logistical nightmare to keep everyone minimally satisfied.