What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

I do really have to laugh at how some posters elevate the kids of divorce and the ex wives to demigods. "They and their friends can come in and through your house WHENEVER and you can do NOTHING about it." "You have to do what the ex wife says, so you better be nice, especially because she could keep her kids from your wedding." Come now. The stepparents must do what they can to foster a healthy relationship with the kids, but second wives are not second class citizens in their own homes, nor are they subservient to ex-wives. The kids need to ask can friends come over same as they would if their mom and dad were still married and living in one home. Some of these posts are just nuts. Maybe I should call my husband's ex wife and ask am I allowed to go on family vacation this year or would her highness prefer it just to be DSS and his dad so I should just stay home? I'll defer to her whims, of course.

Let me put it this way: OP is not going to expect her own offspring to call and ask permission every time he enters the house. So she shouldn't impose that requirement on her DH's children either. ALL of his children should be welcome in his home equally. That's what 50/50 means.

OP absolutely 100% never claimed she would impose that upon her stepkids and right now they are 8 and 6, not teenagers. By the time they are teenagers, she will have been around long enough and they would be bonded enough to treat her with the respect they treat their mom and dad.

Ha. Time does not = bond and respect. If anything, the honeymoon is over and they may be processing emotions related to the new baby as well.

You're partially right. Time does not NOT = bond and respect either. The honeymoon period may be over and the kids may actually be just fine. They may be processing emotions related to the new baby, which may be that the new baby is great and they love her. If you're going to demand that other people allow for your worldview, perhaps allowing for other worldviews would help with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

I do really have to laugh at how some posters elevate the kids of divorce and the ex wives to demigods. "They and their friends can come in and through your house WHENEVER and you can do NOTHING about it." "You have to do what the ex wife says, so you better be nice, especially because she could keep her kids from your wedding." Come now. The stepparents must do what they can to foster a healthy relationship with the kids, but second wives are not second class citizens in their own homes, nor are they subservient to ex-wives. The kids need to ask can friends come over same as they would if their mom and dad were still married and living in one home. Some of these posts are just nuts. Maybe I should call my husband's ex wife and ask am I allowed to go on family vacation this year or would her highness prefer it just to be DSS and his dad so I should just stay home? I'll defer to her whims, of course.

Let me put it this way: OP is not going to expect her own offspring to call and ask permission every time he enters the house. So she shouldn't impose that requirement on her DH's children either. ALL of his children should be welcome in his home equally. That's what 50/50 means.

Let me put it this way: OP's offspring will all live in the house, full time. Her stepkids are expected to be somewhere else. I am the ex-wife. If my teenage daughter was running over to my ex's house during times when she was supposed to be with me, or was supposed to be somewhere else, I would be upset if my ex and/or his wife did not tell me about that. If we need to shift custody schedule around in a way that works better for DD, that would be fine with me and I would happily discuss it as a big blended family. But realistically, if it is a time when she is supposed to be with them, I don't expect her to just be randomly showing up with friends at my house, even though she lives there 50% of the time. I would be fine with her coming, but I would appreciate if she would call first.

I don't think it's really a home at all if the kids can't go there without advance permission. The parents each have a home of their own, and the kids have none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

I do really have to laugh at how some posters elevate the kids of divorce and the ex wives to demigods. "They and their friends can come in and through your house WHENEVER and you can do NOTHING about it." "You have to do what the ex wife says, so you better be nice, especially because she could keep her kids from your wedding." Come now. The stepparents must do what they can to foster a healthy relationship with the kids, but second wives are not second class citizens in their own homes, nor are they subservient to ex-wives. The kids need to ask can friends come over same as they would if their mom and dad were still married and living in one home. Some of these posts are just nuts. Maybe I should call my husband's ex wife and ask am I allowed to go on family vacation this year or would her highness prefer it just to be DSS and his dad so I should just stay home? I'll defer to her whims, of course.

Bahaha! I agree the ex wife on here is beyond belief..very sad actually. Once those kids are grown her kid card won't be able to be played and she will be sol! I suspect it's because she hasn't been able to control her ex and he is happy as a clam. No doubt her kids live with her, because even with 50/50 there's one physical household so yes the kids have a primary.

Our ex was like her, threatened to have her teen live with us. We would just laugh because we lived in MY house and rented his out. No one in our household would have wanted a custody change so wasn't going to happen regardless. Often the disgruntled ex created the monster kids and when their in their teens they want to unload them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.

With 50/50 there's still one primary home. The teens don't get to decide the visitation, this allow everyone to be able to plan. I have a lot of family visiting from out of state so dh's kids wouldn't be able to come at those times because we wouldn't have room. We have our own lives and my family wants to visit with our kids, not his frankly. This works best for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.

With 50/50 there's still one primary home. The teens don't get to decide the visitation, this allow everyone to be able to plan. I have a lot of family visiting from out of state so dh's kids wouldn't be able to come at those times because we wouldn't have room. We have our own lives and my family wants to visit with our kids, not his frankly. This works best for everyone.

Thanks for just undoing all the solid work that good stepmoms have been putting into this thread. Way to go, ya fucked us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.

With 50/50 there's still one primary home. The teens don't get to decide the visitation, this allow everyone to be able to plan. I have a lot of family visiting from out of state so dh's kids wouldn't be able to come at those times because we wouldn't have room. We have our own lives and my family wants to visit with our kids, not his frankly. This works best for everyone.

Thanks for just undoing all the solid work that good stepmoms have been putting into this thread. Way to go, ya fucked us.

It means that life goes on when the step kids aren't there, the ex and step kids don't get to control everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.

With 50/50 there's still one primary home. The teens don't get to decide the visitation, this allow everyone to be able to plan. I have a lot of family visiting from out of state so dh's kids wouldn't be able to come at those times because we wouldn't have room. We have our own lives and my family wants to visit with our kids, not his frankly. This works best for everyone.

Thanks for just undoing all the solid work that good stepmoms have been putting into this thread. Way to go, ya fucked us.

It means that life goes on when the step kids aren't there, the ex and step kids don't get to control everything.

You flat out said they don't need to come when your family does because there's no room and your family doesn't want to see them. But nice spin. I would be ticked if my parents told me they didn't want to see my step. And if I told my husband that he shouldn't come because my family only wanted to see OUR kids...

[Anonymous]

If it's been planned on a week or weekend the steps are suppose to be with the mother, then by all means. My parents wanted to see their grand kids, not my husbands kids, especially the little they were able to visit. No one had a problem with this. The steps don't get to monopolize all our time when they are not there. The steps also have their own lives and activities. They certainly don't get to decide on that weekend to change the schedule when people are staying over.

[Anonymous]

I notice that nobody has refuted my assertion that teenage boys smell awful. Be warned, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I notice that nobody has refuted my assertion that teenage boys smell awful. Be warned, OP.

Very true but it's all of them so it's hard to hold it against them.

[Anonymous]

Op, if you are even still reading, please don't let dcum get you down. Yes, it has it challenges, but all relationships do. In my experience, when the adults are committed to being grown ups for the kids, things work out. Plus, the kids are still young. As long as you and your bf communicate about everything and are on the same page, I believe it will all work out. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.

With 50/50 there's still one primary home. The teens don't get to decide the visitation, this allow everyone to be able to plan. I have a lot of family visiting from out of state so dh's kids wouldn't be able to come at those times because we wouldn't have room. We have our own lives and my family wants to visit with our kids, not his frankly. This works best for everyone.

Thanks for just undoing all the solid work that good stepmoms have been putting into this thread. Way to go, ya fucked us.

It means that life goes on when the step kids aren't there, the ex and step kids don't get to control everything.

You flat out said they don't need to come when your family does because there's no room and your family doesn't want to see them. But nice spin. I would be ticked if my parents told me they didn't want to see my step. And if I told my husband that he shouldn't come because my family only wanted to see OUR kids...

I grew up with my step parents (both mom and dad remarried and had additional preferred children). And they BOTH had this view. You know what that felt like as a kid? You didn't have any home. And you can't rely on anyone but yourself. It's a harsh lesson to give a kid and as a mother one I would never, ever willingly just do.

On the back end, I don't have much of a relationship with my parents (one of whom went on to remarry again). They have health issues and there is this whole please drop everything and come help us now. I won't since I have my own family to tend to, but truthfully, I probably would be more engaged with them or would do more if they had bothered caring more about me as a child (instead of their endless quests to either get laid (dad) or find love and live a "respectable" life (mom). I existed much to their chagrin in a way. It interfered with either of them really being able to move on and pretend their marriage ever happened.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are even still reading-- take the fertility stuff seriously.

I married a man with two kids. No problems with the kids or the ex, all of that is fine. But the truth is, he did not really want a third child. If he had, he would probably have had one with his first wife. He just didn't want to be the father of 3, he thought it was too much, and he was probably right. But he agreed to it for my sake. So we have been trying to have a baby and we're about to do our first out-of-pocket IVF, and it has been so hard. He's game and trying to be supportive, but I know his heart isn't really in it, especially as he gets older. I like my stepdaughters but it just isn't the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

Their father's house is also his wife's house and anyone NOT living in the home needs to call first. They may be entertaining or having friends or family from out of town. Seriously no control....ha...nope not going to happen if they don't live there and yes they need to call first if they are coming for dinner or staying overnight. If they want to change the living arrangements that would be up to DH and DW. As for college, there are loans and scholarships too.

If it's 50/50, they ARE living in the home. Just as much as they're living in their mother's home. Or maybe OP's boyfriend is one of those divorced dads who likes to pretend it's 50/50 but really it isn't.

Good luck forcing angry teenagers onto a custody arrangement that they hate. They will make everyone miserable and enjoy it.

With 50/50 there's still one primary home. The teens don't get to decide the visitation, this allow everyone to be able to plan. I have a lot of family visiting from out of state so dh's kids wouldn't be able to come at those times because we wouldn't have room. We have our own lives and my family wants to visit with our kids, not his frankly. This works best for everyone.

Thanks for just undoing all the solid work that good stepmoms have been putting into this thread. Way to go, ya fucked us.

It means that life goes on when the step kids aren't there, the ex and step kids don't get to control everything.

You flat out said they don't need to come when your family does because there's no room and your family doesn't want to see them. But nice spin. I would be ticked if my parents told me they didn't want to see my step. And if I told my husband that he shouldn't come because my family only wanted to see OUR kids...

I grew up with my step parents (both mom and dad remarried and had additional preferred children). And they BOTH had this view. You know what that felt like as a kid? You didn't have any home. And you can't rely on anyone but yourself. It's a harsh lesson to give a kid and as a mother one I would never, ever willingly just do.

On the back end, I don't have much of a relationship with my parents (one of whom went on to remarry again). They have health issues and there is this whole please drop everything and come help us now. I won't since I have my own family to tend to, but truthfully, I probably would be more engaged with them or would do more if they had bothered caring more about me as a child (instead of their endless quests to either get laid (dad) or find love and live a "respectable" life (mom). I existed much to their chagrin in a way. It interfered with either of them really being able to move on and pretend their marriage ever happened.

+1. You can't rely on anyone but yourself, is exactly what my parents' "amicable" divorce taught me.

My parents are all, poor me, I'm single, my kids have to help me with every little thing. Well, it was partly their choice to be single and I won't be forced into a surrogate spouse' role. It's really inappropriate and I just can't do it. I have my own children and marriage to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now

Get off dcum. Dcum is very traditional in the sense that marriage must work no matter what and if it doesn't, you both are going to hell and shouldn't have a life after. I met my husband as a single mother. We dated for 3 months, introduced the child, then engaged at 6 months, married 6 months later, had three more kids together. Our family is more than what I can ask for. He treats my child very well. Make sure to be open and honest. Ask questions. It may be hard to talk about but speak about finances, your role, having more kids, etc.

Did your husband have children from a previous marriage? I guess not, because I can guarantee you'd be singing a different tune. We can get blue in the face talking about equality, but a man with children (regardless of the custody situation) and a woman with children are two very, very different beasts for a million reasons I'm too lazy to get into. This has nothing to do with DCUM being "traditional" or whatever. Blame biology, society, whatever you want: a divorced woman with a child is far more marketable than a divorced guy with two kids, sharing custody. It is just the way it is, might as well accept it. I'm glad it worked out for you. Now picture the three children you have are not yours, but another woman's. Big, big difference

Oh yeah, single moms are a super hot commodity. Huh?

Commodity or not, you never see guys hashing out their grievances with stepchildren