What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
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Anonymous
It's never like your own kids. The problem is he didn't have the right to deny you a family, and once you have a child he will be bonded to this child. Since this is the youngest he will probably be closest to he/she. |
Anonymous
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I am a stepmom and a mom. It has been doable, but not always easy. One of the harder things for both me and DH is the fact that our two children together are likely to have a happier childhood than my stepchild, who has grown up bouncing between houses and did not have a sibling during critical years. I sometimes feel guilty-but there's nothing that would have significantly changed the situation. If DH and I hadn't gotten married and had kids, my stepchild would still have had a lonely childhood--I met DH years after the divorce, had nothing to do with it. But I do wonder if its harder to see the younger siblings with all the accoutrements of a stable nuclear family, which was denied to stepchild. and I think DH feels tremendously guilty at times, like his desire to achieve happiness, which for him meant more kids and getting remarried, only exacerbates his first child's isolation. In fact, he has admitted that if he had understood the impact of divorce on his child, he probably wouldn't have done it. But this is particular to our family and every famiily handles the split up differently.
I anticipated a lot of things--parenting issues, ongoing relationship with ex, dividing resources, etc, but the complex emotions around adding more children to a family and how it will all mesh, or not, are hard to anticipate. |
Anonymous
Stepmom here too and this is a good point of view. Supporting your spouse through their parental guilt can be a big part of it. I think for my DH, it's lessened a bit as his son has gotten older and has become more independent, has his own life and interests and will very soon be off to college. Like he knows that his son is no longer in the "young child" stage and isn't, at 18, going to be particularly bummed if he had to miss an outing we did. But when he was a bit younger, I remember getting the impression sometimes, even if he was not with us, that any good moment we experienced as a family was something he had to feel guilt for. Like it was betraying his son to be enjoying his "new" family. Or like maybe, no matter how good it was, it could still have been better if his son was there. That was definitely something I had to learn to deal with- in the early days, I viewed it as "we aren't enough" but of course with time that shifted to an understanding that it's just tough to parent two children daily and see and be there for all the small things and then have another child with whom that is no longer possible. |
Anonymous
| We never felt that way, SS was also much older then our own 2 kids. He had his own busy life and if anything the young kids probably got a bit much. He did some vacations with us, and with his other family on his mom's side. I can't say there were many step problems, if anything the jealous ex who finally moved on. |
Anonymous
My friend divorced her husband because he kept giving their money away to bums. He actually paid for his 30 year old daughter's divorce lawyer...talk about bad parenting. He did it behind his wife's back, among other betrayals. She divorced him and ended up with 75% of the assets and long term alimony. She figured she'd better do it before he gives it all to his kids. Too bad, he didn't understand how the monsters were made to begin with. |
Anonymous
Wow, how sad for the kids you choose your family and life over his kids. |
Anonymous
A long weekend every other year, please lol! |
Anonymous
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I don't know what the poster means by 50/50 meaning there is still one primary home. Our 50/50 is 50/50 - one week at mom's house, one week at dad's. Now it just so happens that mom's house is currently the former family home so the kids get most of their mail there, but they view both houses as their home.
And that crack about a weekend every other year (yikes!) is what gives the ex nightmares about anyone new coming along. At least my ex had a vasectomy so there won't be any more kids of his own blood with anyone else to worry about mine being shoved aside for. |
Anonymous
OP ignore the above disgruntled ex. Many exes aren't like that, and yes you can have relatives stay at your home, still breath oxygen when step kids are with the other parent, lol. You even get to have guests at YOUR home too! 
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Anonymous
You really haven't gotten over your ex, trying to control him and his household is beyond healthy. Maybe some therapy to help you move forward. |
Anonymous
I think you are talking to someone else. In what way am I trying to control my ex and his household? Just because I said I don't understand what the PP said about 50/50 meaning there is only one primary house? Maybe that is the case if there is 50/50 legal custody but 50/50 physical is a different thing. Maybe that poster is from NY? I understand the laws are very strange there about custody. |
Anonymous
I mean't unhealthy but really it's quite apparent in all your posts. |
Anonymous
Okay, Pollyanna! 
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Anonymous
It's not that she can't. But it is gross of her to say "my family needs the room more so my stepkids don't need to come then and also my family would rather see my kids than his anyway." I'm not an ex wife. I'm a stepmom. I would NEVER say something like that. It's so mean spirited like her kids are her family and his kids are HIS. |
Anonymous
In that case, PP, why don't you tell your husband to stop calling me for lunch and coffee every few days since we work right down the block from each other and to give back the key to my house he uses so liberally? Perhaps you are the one who needs better control over him, not me. Or would you like complete control over my house, too? |