What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you say his ex was not thrilled about the divorce, do you mean that he left her? Really think about whether you want to marry a man who left the mother of his children.

Can you and your boyfriend afford all these kids? What happens if he has a change in his income, or if one of the kids ends up having some expensive special needs? How will you feel when you are not able to spend money as you wish, because of his agreement with his ex? If her income drops, he will have to pay more.

Whatever you do, don't buy into the "children are resilient" crap. That's just the excuse adults make for treating children badly. Divorce can be profoundly traumatizing for young children and take years for them to recover. Not all kids, but some. You need to be realistic about it.

OP here - yikes you all are making this seem pretty awful.

I have a good amount of money so we can financially afford more kids.

Yes he left his family - they both agreed they were miserable, his wife wanted to keep working on it but he threw in the towel. I don't currently judge him for it because I know how soul sucking a marriage where the love is gone can be - but maybe I'll feel differently when I have kids?

One of the problems in my first marriage is that my DHs needs always came before mine. With my current BF I fully want my boyfriend to put his kids first, he should and I would be disgusted with him if he didn't, but after reading all this I'm increasingly concerned about even though I believe thats the way it should be, actually living it will slowly grow resentment

Glad to hear you have money-- you'll need it. Do you truly understand how expensive it is to have three children?

What happens if the ex can't afford to raise her children at the same financial level as you want to raise yours? For example, what if you want to send your kid to private school but your boyfriend and his ex can't afford that for their two kids? This is something you'll need to talk through with your boyfriend. I recommend that you have pre-marriage counseling and also see a financial planner specializing in stepfamilies. It's harder than you might think.

OP, do you want to be a SAHM? Are you 100% sure you can afford this? Think about how much is riding on his ex's health and earning capacity. If she should become ill and unable to work, or God forbid pass away, your boyfriend would have to have full physical custody AND pay for everything. You might find yourself a full-time working mom of three, not a SAHM of one with every-other-weekend stepkids. Would you be ok with that?

[Anonymous]

OP, how much custody does your boyfriend have at the moment? And how much time does he actually spend with his kids? If it isn't very much, that should tell you something about what kind of father he'll be. Don't kid yourself that you're such a better wife and therefore he'll be totally different. If he's blowing off his kids now and leaving his wife to deal with most things, he'll treat your child similarly.

On the other hand, if he has a lot of custody and is very involved, be prepared for what a time commitment it is. Big kids have a ton of activities, travel sports, etc. This will take your boyfriend away from you and your baby. You will be doing most of the parenting of the baby, on your own or tagging along with big kid activities.

[Anonymous]

You all make this sound really really miserable. To answer a few questions

- No i don't want to be a stay at home mom
- He has 50% physical custody. He seems very involved but I haven't actually seen him with the kids. I don't get the impression he pawns them off on his weekends and things

Would we be better off not having kids. If I could love his kids as my own, I think I'd be ok with that - I've never been a must have a baby person. But the responses are making it sound like it's both impossible to love the kids as your own and to also integrate a new kid without a lot of problems. Does this ever work nicely?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all make this sound really really miserable. To answer a few questions

- No i don't want to be a stay at home mom
- He has 50% physical custody. He seems very involved but I haven't actually seen him with the kids. I don't get the impression he pawns them off on his weekends and things

Would we be better off not having kids. If I could love his kids as my own, I think I'd be ok with that - I've never been a must have a baby person. But the responses are making it sound like it's both impossible to love the kids as your own and to also integrate a new kid without a lot of problems. Does this ever work nicely?!

I've seen it work ok, but I'm only seeing from the outside. My family would probably appear good to an outsider too, but that's partially because I (a child of the first marriage) am concealing a lot of my opinions to make life easier for everyone including myself. And some dumb luck in not facing financial or health catastrophes while the children are young. These major life stressors are even more difficult and stressful in a complicated family. I think a lot depends on the personalities, and what people's expectations are. Lower your expectations to the absolute minimum. There is no disputing that it's really, really, really tough. If you do this, you should get therapy for yourself just to have someone to talk to about it. Your boyfriend will be overwhelmed just trying to cope with his responsibilities.

If you are someone who needs a lot of attention and wants an attentive father for your child, don't do this. He was willing to sacrifice half of his time with his kids to get out of the marriage even though his ex wanted to keep working on it. This means time with the kids isn't that important to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all make this sound really really miserable. To answer a few questions

- No i don't want to be a stay at home mom
- He has 50% physical custody. He seems very involved but I haven't actually seen him with the kids. I don't get the impression he pawns them off on his weekends and things

Would we be better off not having kids. If I could love his kids as my own, I think I'd be ok with that - I've never been a must have a baby person. But the responses are making it sound like it's both impossible to love the kids as your own and to also integrate a new kid without a lot of problems. Does this ever work nicely?!

What about his weekdays with the kids?

Ask him to list out everything he does for and with his kids. Then ask yourself if 1/3 of that would be enough for your child.

[Anonymous]

A couple of impressions from an ex:

1. Really understand his financial commitments. A gasp went up in the courtroom when we went through the opulent lifestyle my ex had agreed to fund 50% for the kids and the life insurance requirements with the kids as sole beneficiary that are in our agreement. I know my ex, and any new kids will not be getting the lavish lifestyle he is jointly funding for mine. That's why it is in the agreement - he's big on buying things for himself.

2. This love them like your own stuff may be nice and even age appropriate depending on how young the kids are, but my kids would tell you to take a leap. They've always been clear on who Mommy is. They aren't even that nice to our nanny at times (which I correct them for). Do you think Daddy's girlfriend stands a chance? They know exactly why we got divorced even though I never bad mouthed him. Do you think your boyfriend's kids don't know he walked out on them? That is going to come home to roost with you.

3. Honestly, the only people I know who have blended families well either did it when the kids were college age or where one had no kids, the ex wasn't in the picture really, and there were no new kids.

[Anonymous]

Geez people are harsh. Yes OP, it can work. I had a child from a previous relationship. I then married and had a child with my husband. Does my husband love my son as much as his? No.... Will he ever let my son know? No... Does he discipline my child? Yes, and I want him to do so. Does he pay for things regarding my son? Yes, he paid for his football gear and anything related to it and for his vacation. He also attends his parent/teacher conferences and assembly's, plays, etc. Guess who plans his birthday parties? My husband. Guess who takes him to school every day and picks him up? My husband. If he has the day off, he doesn't spend it with his son, he spends the day with my son. Was it rough at first? Hell yes!!!! My son fought the discipline, my son felt jealous, my son felt awkward. It all worked out because we were all on the same page. We are a family and going to respect each other. He loves being a big brother and he loves the new baby. My son has a father but my husband is a great father figure in his absence. My son sees his dad every other weekend. No issues with the two men. They respect each other.

[Anonymous]

After my husband lost his job, I paid his child support for years. I recommend you read his divorce decree to find out what he has to pay for and for how long. Mine didn't realize his obligation for some expenses terminated years prior and I ended up paying them until i realized and informed his ex. He was too scared to do so. Also, when she didn't pay the hospital charge for healh care insurance I paid, the creditors dinged my credit report -- I never knew there was an unpaid bill and had no recourse. Glad your eyes are open.

Oh, and get a prenup.

[Anonymous]

20:37 here again. I love my husband and I love my life. I love my step kids, but I love them in a different way than how I love my bio kid. There are sacrifices to make, but there always are, regardless of family unit. I married the kindest man in the world, and for that I'm forever grateful. Life is a balance of the good and bad. But only you can decide what's best for you.

[Anonymous]

Just don't do it. Biggest mistake of my life thus far

[Anonymous]

If he cheated on her with you, expect the kids to resent you, and expect him to cheat on you with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Be prepared for your husband's family to like his ex more than you. A LOT more.

Stepparenting is the most thankless job on the planet.

Ditto on the prenup and financial counseling.

[Anonymous]

Op here - no cheating, we met about a year after his divorce / 3 years after mine.

Why should I expect his parents to like her a lot more

Pp - why the biggest mistake of your life

To the happy pp - what made it work for you

[Anonymous]

Marriage is hard under the best of circumstances. I can only imagine how hard in this case. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

If you have never actually seen him with his kids, I suggest you spend a lot of time doing just that. How he treats them will give you insight into how he is as a parent and a person. You might find you need less advice from us.