What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You also need to be prepared for the fact that the existing children may be somewhat less than thrilled at the thought of a new sibling, and may act out accordingly. No, this won't necessarily go away and they may not 'grow out of it."

+1. I get along fine with my stepbrother, but I sure as hell resent that my dad is blowing off visiting me and my kids to deal with my stepbrother's failure to launch issues. I never asked for all these extra people to deal with. I don't consider them part of my family, although I pretend because it's easier for me that way. My dad struggles with juggling it all, but I have little sympathy. These are the consequences of his own choices.

[Anonymous]

I married my husband when my step kids were early elementary school. I actually really looked forward to building a relationship with them. We only have them every other weekend, though, so it's probably a little different and a little easier than having them truly 50/50.

I read books on step parenting first, which I found very helpful. I approached it as being sort of an aunt figure. An adult who cared about them and wanted the best for them, but not someone trying to usurp or compete with their mom. I proactively say nice things about their mom, even though I'm not a huge fan.

We've got a good relationship 11 years later. I also went on to have a child with my husband. "That" is when things got a little bit dicey because I began to have strong opinions about parenting and they are occasionally different than what my husband does with his kids. We do work through that, and I truthfully defer to him 99% of the time when it's about my step kids. I disagree and debate more when it involves my bio kid. I do not discipline my step kids at all. That's left for my husband. Fortunately, it has not been necessary often. Again, probably because we only have them every other weekend.

We almost never have actual holidays together. We cobble together different holiday celebrations with different groups of kids/people, as we can fit them in. So if you plan on having the perfect Christmas with all the kids and your family and his family, etc., that may not be happening most Christmases.

We have gone through doing a will, figuring out inheritance needs, making trusts, etc., to make sure all the kids are provided for according to their needs (one is disabled). This takes into consideration things like ensuring sufficient support while the kids are minors, if my husband dies, and understanding that his kids have per se different financial need because they have two different sets of parents with different earning abilities and net worths.

We keep our money separate, which is good for when child support is reconsidered. They don't as for the last three years of "my" accounts. Just DH's. I think that also helps us "not" fight about money.

My husband and I are both of the opinion that kids' needs come first. They cannot provide for themselves. They are not fully emotionally mature. They are still developing. So I do defer my needs to theirs as needed. But since I already think this way, it hasn't been hard. I think it would be unbearable for a woman who needs to be put first by her significant other.

I have a lower standard of living than I would have if I'd married a childless man. I knew that going in, and I'm fine with that. Some are not.

It has been relatively easy in our case. I don't know if it would have been so easy if I had brought children to the relationship as well. I think the fact I was childless made it easier.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you say his ex was not thrilled about the divorce, do you mean that he left her? Really think about whether you want to marry a man who left the mother of his children.

Can you and your boyfriend afford all these kids? What happens if he has a change in his income, or if one of the kids ends up having some expensive special needs? How will you feel when you are not able to spend money as you wish, because of his agreement with his ex? If her income drops, he will have to pay more.

Whatever you do, don't buy into the "children are resilient" crap. That's just the excuse adults make for treating children badly. Divorce can be profoundly traumatizing for young children and take years for them to recover. Not all kids, but some. You need to be realistic about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]OP, when you say his ex was not thrilled about the divorce, do you mean that he left her? Really think about whether you want to marry a man who left the mother of his children.[/b]

Can you and your boyfriend afford all these kids? What happens if he has a change in his income, or if one of the kids ends up having some expensive special needs? How will you feel when you are not able to spend money as you wish, because of his agreement with his ex? If her income drops, he will have to pay more.

Whatever you do, don't buy into the "children are resilient" crap. That's just the excuse adults make for treating children badly. Divorce can be profoundly traumatizing for young children and take years for them to recover. Not all kids, but some. You need to be realistic about it.

This entire post is good, but the bold is especially important.


Has he resolved the issues within himself that led him to leave? Don't buy that it was all his ex wife if that's the story he's telling you. I can promise the same issues will come up again, and you need to know he's done the work to be able to cope with it in a different way than getting a divorce.

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He's left a wife and kids once before what's to stop him from doing it again. Blended families are more than double the work.

[Anonymous]

Oh come on. He didn't leave "the mother of his children." He left a person with whom he shared a bad marriage. He sounds very conscientious of his kids and their needs and his ex's feelings if he has kept his relationship with OP separate so let's not shame the guy for having the nerve to ask for a divorce when the marriage no longer worked for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you say his ex was not thrilled about the divorce, do you mean that he left her? Really think about whether you want to marry a man who left the mother of his children.

Can you and your boyfriend afford all these kids? What happens if he has a change in his income, or if one of the kids ends up having some expensive special needs? How will you feel when you are not able to spend money as you wish, because of his agreement with his ex? If her income drops, he will have to pay more.

Whatever you do, don't buy into the "children are resilient" crap. That's just the excuse adults make for treating children badly. Divorce can be profoundly traumatizing for young children and take years for them to recover. Not all kids, but some. You need to be realistic about it.

OP here - yikes you all are making this seem pretty awful.

I have a good amount of money so we can financially afford more kids.

Yes he left his family - they both agreed they were miserable, his wife wanted to keep working on it but he threw in the towel. I don't currently judge him for it because I know how soul sucking a marriage where the love is gone can be - but maybe I'll feel differently when I have kids?

One of the problems in my first marriage is that my DHs needs always came before mine. With my current BF I fully want my boyfriend to put his kids first, he should and I would be disgusted with him if he didn't, but after reading all this I'm increasingly concerned about even though I believe thats the way it should be, actually living it will slowly grow resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. He didn't leave "the mother of his children." He left a person with whom he shared a bad marriage. He sounds very conscientious of his kids and their needs and his ex's feelings if he has kept his relationship with OP separate so let's not shame the guy for having the nerve to ask for a divorce when the marriage no longer worked for everyone.

He totally did leave the mother of his children! She is their mother. He left her. That's what it is. She wanted to keep working on it, but he refused. I'm not saying he's solely responsible for the divorce, but let's be real here. He walked away from the mother of his children when she still wanted to work on the marriage. That's what happened and it can happen to OP.

[Anonymous]

Is there ever a divorce where it's not ultimately one person deciding enough is enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you say his ex was not thrilled about the divorce, do you mean that he left her? Really think about whether you want to marry a man who left the mother of his children.

Can you and your boyfriend afford all these kids? What happens if he has a change in his income, or if one of the kids ends up having some expensive special needs? How will you feel when you are not able to spend money as you wish, because of his agreement with his ex? If her income drops, he will have to pay more.

Whatever you do, don't buy into the "children are resilient" crap. That's just the excuse adults make for treating children badly. Divorce can be profoundly traumatizing for young children and take years for them to recover. Not all kids, but some. You need to be realistic about it.

OP here - yikes you all are making this seem pretty awful.

I have a good amount of money so we can financially afford more kids.

Yes he left his family - they both agreed they were miserable, his wife wanted to keep working on it but he threw in the towel. I don't currently judge him for it because I know how soul sucking a marriage where the love is gone can be - but maybe I'll feel differently when I have kids?

Yes you will, because a divorce with kids leads to co-parenting with an ex, and it's pretty tough on the adults as well as the kids.

Anonymous wrote: One of the problems in my first marriage is that my DHs needs always came before mine. With my current BF I fully want my boyfriend to put his kids first, he should and I would be disgusted with him if he didn't, but after reading all this I'm increasingly concerned about even though I believe thats the way it should be, actually living it will slowly grow resentment

He'll put the kids first, but he'll also have to balance his relationship with his ex, for the kids' sake, and that may conflict with your needs. You are right that this stuff is easy to endorse but hard to actually live.

Don't expect the kids to treat you well or care about you. They aren't asking you to move in. They don't need a 3rd parent. They used to have a full-time dad. Now you're asking for a share of his time and attention, and it'll be a loss for them. A baby will be yet more. I'm sure you're a wonderful person who would treat them well enough, but that isn't a substitute for their father's attention. Be real about what this is costing them.

Personally, I don't mind my stepmother, and I like that she keeps my dad happy. But I'm not going to place her feelings and wishes above myself, my mother and father, my siblings, my husband, and my own children. So she tends to come last. It's a complicated family and there are a lot of people to consider. Lots of compromise. Everyone feels like they aren't getting enough of what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you say his ex was not thrilled about the divorce, do you mean that he left her? Really think about whether you want to marry a man who left the mother of his children.

Can you and your boyfriend afford all these kids? What happens if he has a change in his income, or if one of the kids ends up having some expensive special needs? How will you feel when you are not able to spend money as you wish, because of his agreement with his ex? If her income drops, he will have to pay more.

Whatever you do, don't buy into the "children are resilient" crap. That's just the excuse adults make for treating children badly. Divorce can be profoundly traumatizing for young children and take years for them to recover. Not all kids, but some. You need to be realistic about it.

OP here - yikes you all are making this seem pretty awful.

I have a good amount of money so we can financially afford more kids.

Yes he left his family - they both agreed they were miserable, his wife wanted to keep working on it but he threw in the towel. I don't currently judge him for it because I know how soul sucking a marriage where the love is gone can be - but maybe I'll feel differently when I have kids?

One of the problems in my first marriage is that my DHs needs always came before mine. With my current BF I fully want my boyfriend to put his kids first, he should and I would be disgusted with him if he didn't, but after reading all this I'm increasingly concerned about even though I believe thats the way it should be, actually living it will slowly grow resentment

OP, you've answered your own question. You want a man who will put his kids first? Well, abandoning them just because he was tired of working on his marriage was not putting them first. He left them for greener pastures. There's no other way to put it.

[Anonymous]

Holidays - your kid will always be with your DH and you but your step kids will likely only be there every other year.

Sports/Activities - you will have to plan for your child around your step kids

Guilt parenting - almost every divorced parent I know parents out of guilt at times (and sometimes all the time!) which means they give in to demands very easily, buy things they normally wouldn't, do activities they normally wouldn't and can't afford, etc. They want their kids to have a good time when they are with them because they only see their kids half time. It also means that their method of parenting will be different for your step kids vs. your kids together because he doesn't feel the need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you say his ex was not thrilled about the divorce, do you mean that he left her? Really think about whether you want to marry a man who left the mother of his children.

Can you and your boyfriend afford all these kids? What happens if he has a change in his income, or if one of the kids ends up having some expensive special needs? How will you feel when you are not able to spend money as you wish, because of his agreement with his ex? If her income drops, he will have to pay more.

Whatever you do, don't buy into the "children are resilient" crap. That's just the excuse adults make for treating children badly. Divorce can be profoundly traumatizing for young children and take years for them to recover. Not all kids, but some. You need to be realistic about it.

OP here - yikes you all are making this seem pretty awful.

I have a good amount of money so we can financially afford more kids.

Yes he left his family - they both agreed they were miserable, his wife wanted to keep working on it but he threw in the towel. I don't currently judge him for it because I know how soul sucking a marriage where the love is gone can be - but maybe I'll feel differently when I have kids?

One of the problems in my first marriage is that my DHs needs always came before mine. With my current BF I fully want my boyfriend to put his kids first, he should and I would be disgusted with him if he didn't, but after reading all this I'm increasingly concerned about even though I believe thats the way it should be, actually living it will slowly grow resentment

Glad to hear you have money-- you'll need it. Do you truly understand how expensive it is to have three children?

What happens if the ex can't afford to raise her children at the same financial level as you want to raise yours? For example, what if you want to send your kid to private school but your boyfriend and his ex can't afford that for their two kids? This is something you'll need to talk through with your boyfriend. I recommend that you have pre-marriage counseling and also see a financial planner specializing in stepfamilies. It's harder than you might think.

[Anonymous]

Two sets of parental rules. You and your husband make the rules for your bio kid. He and his ex negotiate the rules for the stepkids. And his kids will resent it if after the new baby comes there are also new rules because you don't want your kid seeing the big brothers eating junk food or watching tv, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Run. Why marry damaged goods with baggage? Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Don't expect the ex to be happy about you. She may be ok in the current situation, but she probably won't like the idea of her kids getting even less of their dad's already-reduced time and attention. She probably won't be very happy about having to take into account your schedule, your preferences, your feelings, etc. It's making an already-complicated situation even more complicated. It will mean a lot more compromise for her, for very little benefit. If you have a baby, it will be even worse.

Be aware that you are asking to join an existing family. Your boyfriend can ask his ex and kids to accept you, but this kind of thing cannot be forced.