Reply to What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A couple of impressions from an ex:

1. Really understand his financial commitments. A gasp went up in the courtroom when we went through the opulent lifestyle my ex had agreed to fund 50% for the kids and the life insurance requirements with the kids as sole beneficiary that are in our agreement. I know my ex, and any new kids will not be getting the lavish lifestyle he is jointly funding for mine. That's why it is in the agreement - he's big on buying things for himself.

2. This love them like your own stuff may be nice and even age appropriate depending on how young the kids are, but my kids would tell you to take a leap. They've always been clear on who Mommy is. They aren't even that nice to our nanny at times (which I correct them for). Do you think Daddy's girlfriend stands a chance? They know exactly why we got divorced even though I never bad mouthed him. Do you think your boyfriend's kids don't know he walked out on them? That is going to come home to roost with you.

3. Honestly, the only people I know who have blended families well either did it when the kids were college age or where one had no kids, the ex wasn't in the picture really, and there were no new kids.[/quote]

Op, this is the reason you don't want to be dealing with an ex....[/quote]

Or tweens and teens, which is coming up for OP.  My ex has had one girlfriend since the split.  The kids pronounced her creepy and refused to have anything to do with her ever again.  Of course my ex shouldn't have introduced them before the relationship was established and without being honest with them, but that's him.  The kids were right, too.  She lasted a few weeks before wigging him out by talking about what a great dad he'd be to her son.  Textbook how not to do dating with kids.  If he does it again, I would not be surprised if he damages his relationship with the kids.

I think 6 months is too soon, honestly. Maybe a year if you are really really sure about the relationship.  Even then, anyone I date had better understand my kids have a father, and he ain't it, so to speak.  I have the same expectations - that people back off trying to supplant the other parent - for anyone I bring into the picture as I do for anyone he does.  Of course, we were married for 20 years, so anybody involved is going to have to deal with that, just as I expect to if the person I date has kids with an ex.  I have spent some time thinking about this because I was dating somebody with an even longer marriage and similarly aged children (whom I did not meet just as he did not meet mine).  I think the right play is always respectful to the ex and understanding they were on the scene long before you. I honestly can't see getting married again or even moving in until everyone is away at college.  At this point it is only 7 more years.  I'm not in a rush.  I don't need a new daddy for my kids. I want a husband. The right guy will be willing to take it slow.[/quote]

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