What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced with no kids. He shares custody and seems like a great involved father, but I haven't met his kids bc we both felt it was best to not get involved in their lives unless we could see getting married. We are now at that point, but before I dive in I want to make sure I understand what life would be like if we ultimately got married. Fwiw is kids are early elementary and we would plan on having a kid together. His ex was not thrilled about the divorce but is not a crazy person - they have an ok relationship

Tell me everything I should know to go in eyes wide open

[Anonymous]

You need to treat his children very well and understand when they become before you.

[Anonymous]

There will be times you are resentful because you feel you are "sharing" your family. Resources for your kids will be diverted to his. You may not get a say in how they're used. The wife can and will call at times you would rather she not. Sometimes she will drive you nuts and you'll have to just smile and shut your mouth because what's he supposed to do about it? It may be hard at first to feel connected to the kids. It was for me. I love my stepson now but the first few years were so much harder than I thought. It was trying to be around someone else's kid so much and have to love him like my own while also having no real say on so much. Is it worth it? Yes. Will it break you down and force you to become a different, bigger, more accepting person? Yes. Is it difficult? Very.

[Anonymous]

You need to know how cool she'll be with you. What if she's dropping off the kids to you and he's not there? What if your wedding is on her custody day and she doesn't want to let the kids attend?

It is so, SO important you have a decent relationship with the ex.

[Anonymous]

There have been a few posts recently about blended families. Which I know is not the case for you but I think the issues are the same. I admire your courage and hope it works out for you.

[Anonymous]

How the money arrangement works and can he still afford to have a family with you? How demanding is the ex about extra's about child support? How will she treat you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to know how cool she'll be with you. What if she's dropping off the kids to you and he's not there? What if your wedding is on her custody day and she doesn't want to let the kids attend?

It is so, SO important you have a decent relationship with the ex.

Hmmmm I'll disagree. The ex may not want that. She might not be openly hostile but she probably won't be BFF with the new wife especially if she is not remarried herself. Mostly OP's job would be to not hinder or harm the existing relationship the exes and the kids have. She doesn't need to be front and center and make this about her. She needs to be kind, mature, amenable, flexible and be happy to stay in the background for the most part. Love the kids but not try to be mom. Respect mom and support dad.

[Anonymous]

Headaches. Lots and lots of headaches.

[Anonymous]

I think it works best when you think of them as your kids as well vs step kids or "his kids". Can be easier said that done initially, but I think it will make it easier to integrate your families if you do.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the above. I too married a man with children. You will never have any alone time. Their needs will always come before yours even when you have your own kids. I was in a relationship like that. I ended up leaving. Now I am a divorced mother of a toddler.

[Anonymous]

For those of you that did it, are you glad you did or did the challenges become too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you that did it, are you glad you did or did the challenges become too much?

I gave up at a certain point (stealing from us, arrests for drug dealing and stealing from employer). I now have rare contact with DSS and he is not allowed in our house.

[Anonymous]

You also need to be prepared for the fact that the existing children may be somewhat less than thrilled at the thought of a new sibling, and may act out accordingly. No, this won't necessarily go away and they may not 'grow out of it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There will be times you are resentful because you feel you are "sharing" your family. Resources for your kids will be diverted to his. You may not get a say in how they're used. The wife can and will call at times you would rather she not. Sometimes she will drive you nuts and you'll have to just smile and shut your mouth because what's he supposed to do about it? It may be hard at first to feel connected to the kids. It was for me. I love my stepson now but the first few years were so much harder than I thought. It was trying to be around someone else's kid so much and have to love him like my own while also having no real say on so much. Is it worth it? Yes. Will it break you down and force you to become a different, bigger, more accepting person? Yes. Is it difficult? Very.

+1 -- basically you're taking on at least some of the responsibility of being a parent without the inherent joy of being a parent.

Money can be an issue, even if you don't think it would be - if he's paying child support does he complain bitterly about it, does his ex constantly ask for more, have they addressed how college is paid for?

I didn't think money would be an issue, but my H didn't have the guts to have a 'what can we afford' discussion with his ex before their D applied for college, and now he maybe on the hook for a lot more tuition than he thought because he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

One of the multiple reasons I continued to work after I had our child was that I didn't want to rely on him to support us, just in case.

Time is another issue -- you may never be able to say when YOU want to go on summer break, and it may always be dictated by the ex and stepkids' schedules.

And you may never feel the same way about your stepkids as you do about your own. Particularly if they are older when you meet them and their mom is still closely involved in their lives. And that's OK.

Yes, you have to be kind and respectful and put their NEEDS first, and sometimes their wants, just like you would with your 'own' kid(s), but don't let anyone guilt you into feeling like you have to FEEL the same way about them. You may, hey that's great, or you may not. No one would expect kids to feel the same way about their stepmom as their mom.

[Anonymous]

It's going to be really hard, OP. That's the best-case scenario. You should read Stepmonster, Sandcastles Divorce, and The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.

Do not expect these kids to like you. They might, while they are young and naive, or they might go along to keep the peace. But their lives have been very seriously disrupted, and are just starting to settle down-- but along you come to disrupt everything again! Make sure you have age-appropriate and divorce-appropriate expectations for the children's behavior. Many a childless 2nd wife has screwed up her relationship by not being realistic about normal child development.

Do not fall into the naive 2nd wife trap of blaming the ex-wife for everything. Understand what role he played in the failure of his marriage. He is equally responsible for raising the children, and equally at fault for whatever you don't like about the way they're being raised.

Understand that you will be financially, logistically, and emotionally linked with this other household. If his ex loses her job, re-marries, has more kids or step-kids, has a serious illness, etc., it will affect your household as well. Family travel plans will have to be cleared with all. The schedule will be constantly changing and logistics will require a lot of time and attention. You won't be able to re-locate, at least until they go to college. It doesn't stop when they kids turn 18-- they still need to be parented and may return to the home. Also, be prepared that you may have full custody if anything happens to his ex or if the kids decide they want to live with their dad as teenagers. If you want to parent your future child in a significantly different style, that will be tough for everyone.

Your baby will be one of three. He or she will not have the idyllic early childhood with the full attention of two parents. Your husband will always be spread too thin financially, logistically, and emotionally. He will probably not handle it well-- most men don't. Try to make sure he understands what he's signing up for.

Lower your expectations to the absolute rock bottom and then some. Apparently it takes about 5 years to "blend" and even then sometimes it never really works.