26 and never had a boyfriend - what the hell is going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am so heartened by all the wonderful replies I've gotten in this thread from women who are like me. I'm so happy for all of you and so encouraged that all of you got past it and found wonderful men.

I'm not going to lie, I'm very scared at the prospect of changing. I also have to figure out how to let go of a certain undercurrent of anger and bitterness I feel over all of this. I hope I get there.

As you know, you've received some great advice on this thread. The only thing I can think to add is to be the person you want to be with. Make a list of all the things you want in a guy (personality-wise) and then start being those things yourself. You want a guy who is confident and likeable? Be those things yourself. You want a sharp dresser? Start dressing sharp yourself. You want someone who is polite to everyone all the time? You do the same. People say that "opposites attract," but in reality, people are most attracted to people who are similar to themselves. Obviously you don't want everything to be the same, but pick some key things that would be deal-breakers if the guy didn't have them. It'll help you really think about what you value most in a relationship, and attract people who value those same things.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have a naturally high, medium or low libido? Mine is high, and because of that, learning to flirt with guys just came naturally. I can't imagine being a virgin at 26. No wonder you're angry.

[Anonymous]

For starters, I honestly do not think it has anything to do with you as a person or how you look. I say this because I've known women who are rotten to the core and still found husbands. Many of us know of women who are most likely mentally ill and they still get married. I had a friend during high school who needed A LOT of work done on herself physically-- needed major dental work, hair cut, some weight loss, better clothes-- and she found a husband before anyone else ever did. Another woman I know from college was obese and found a man online who also had weight issues. I can go on and on. I think it comes down to just being what someone is looking for at a certain time in their life, the kind of woman a guy is looking for (the "I only date models/tall blondes/fellow Jews/Asians/Brazilians/secretaries" men) or just being in the right place at the right time.

There are also your own standards to consider. I believe that women who want to be married will get married ASAP. I'm not saying they're going to marry anyone wonderful, but they will find someone who wants to be married. Saw this throughout college, friends who wanted to be married and they go married within a year of graduation. I'd never want to be tied to any of their husbands, they weren't my type, but these girls wanted to be married and they made it priority #1. If you wanted to be married, you would have agreed to an arranged marriage long ago. You'd be married with a few kids by now, but that was no longer your priority. Nothing wrong with that. It's not the major priority for a lot of women in their late teens/early 20s.

Again, I don't think you're necessarily doing anything wrong, unless you're sitting at home every day watching TV and not even at least hanging out at a cafe or going to a happy hour with friends after work. Some of my closest friends are nice looking women with good jobs and interesting lives and they're pushing 40 and can't find anyone to save their lives. They go on dates via Match.com, but nothing pans out-- UNLESS they completely change their requirements-- date guys of other races, men who are a few years younger, men who are blue collar, men who have been divorced already and have children.

At this point, 26 isn't an age to worry, not yet. I would recommend just considering how much of a priority it is to you to get married over the, say, next four years. If it is a priority, they see if you can get an arranged marriage or go online. Otherwise, you just have to date and wait.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was totally in your shoes at 26. I saw a therapist and talked about some of my issues and hesitations that kept me from dating. (I am Indian American, if that matters). Dating sucks and no one enjoys it. You have to either reject someone, or get rejected.

I joined match and started winking at people left and right. I went on a date with one of those guys a couple weeks after joining match and married him less than a year later. go online and start "practicing". Match.com is your friend. I seriously winked at like, 50 guys, two responded and I married one of them. One (super awesome) guy is all you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was totally in your shoes at 26. I saw a therapist and talked about some of my issues and hesitations that kept me from dating. (I am Indian American, if that matters). Dating sucks and no one enjoys it. You have to either reject someone, or get rejected.

I joined match and started winking at people left and right. I went on a date with one of those guys a couple weeks after joining match and married him less than a year later. go online and start "practicing". Match.com is your friend. I seriously winked at like, 50 guys, two responded and I married one of them. One (super awesome) guy is all you need.

Oh and FWIW, I was also one of those "fat" girls you were probably puzzled by, and my husband was far more attractive than me when we met...I had just thought that no one would want to date me because I was 30 lbs overweight, but I was totally wrong. (I also garnered interest on shaadi.com, but none of those guys worked out)

[Anonymous]

I was 26 and never had a boyfriend. I'd been on a date or two here and there, a couple high school/college hooks ups, but was always the girl who was never dating anyone. By all accounts I'm normal, decently attractive, outgoing, easy-going, confident, successful etc. In retrospect, I think my problem was I had really high standards and wasn't willing to give a lot of guys a chance plus I had, from an early age, fully adopted an "I don't need a man" mentality. Despite being open to a relationship, and at times desperately wanting it, I think I came across as closed off and even a little intimidating.

Good news is that shortly after I turned 26, I met a friend of a friend, whom I shortly after started dating. We got engaged a year later, married at 28, and had kids soon after. If you had asked me at 26, I NEVER would have guessed that I'd be happily married with two children by 31.

In retrospect, I should have been less picky in my early 20s. I think I went into every encounter with a guy with a "is this someone I might want to spend my entire life with" mentality and if the answer wasn't an immediate yes, I closed myself off. Even if ultimately those people weren't worth my time in the long term, I could have learned a lot (how to be a better flirt, for example!) by engaging with them. Plus, having had more relationship experience, even with people I was pretty sure would never be "The One", would have benefited me by offering me perspective with regard to my current relationship. I definitely never had men banging down my door, but I can think of at least a handful of guys I blew off without giving a fair chance. There are certainly countless others I probably turned off with my "I'm fine without a man!" vibe. The good thing about never being in a relationship is that I had tons of freedom to do as I liked in my 20s. I'm definitely glad I lived that up, and did not worry myself too much about my single status (although it was often in the back of my mind). Ultimately, I met my husband through a group I joined for one of my hobbies and because I thought it might be a good way to meet people. He wasn't directly involved, but was good friends with another group member.

[Anonymous]

You say you make male friends easily. Usually those male friends like you already as a woman. All you should do is signal that you are available and interested.




I'm not even the stereotypical reclusive, frumpy, Ben & Jerrys eating person. I don't really think I'm socially anxious. On the one hand, I know why I have been single up till the age of 24 - I wanted an arranged marriage and didn't want to date. (I'm Sri Lankan American - not religious or anything, just was brought up thinking arranged marriages were the most successful ones). But from the age of 24 to now, I haven't wanted an arranged marriage and I'm not sure why it has been so difficult to get a boyfriend.

I can count the number of times I've been asked out, that's how pathetic it is. I only got asked out three times in high school, twice in college, and once during my Masters. Yup. Pathetic.

And I was always sociable and popular, and though I'm conservative, I'm not a prude. I'm pretty in a bookish-librarian way and plenty of people say it. I have lots of friends and I find it easy to make friends. I see guys stare at me, but they don't approach me. Why are men such pussies? I'm a nice, sweet, non-threatening, traditionally feminine woman. I don't think I look like a ball-buster. I'm not flirtatious, but that's because of how I was raised. I have often wondered why I make friends so quickly and easily (I make male friends easily too, I might add), and yet it is hard for me to get a guy to ask me out.

It's gotten to the point where I'm really wrapped up in negative thinking. I'm angry that I haven't had the fun romances that tons of girls my age have had. For some of them, getting a boyfriend is as easy as breathing. My little sister is 20 years old and has already been through like 9 boyfriends. I feel undesirable, like I'm not a real woman, or that I'm unfuckable or undateable. I see fat girls and dumb girls and socially awkward girls get boyfriends and husbands, so why not me? Is it really just because I have no clue about flirting?

I am sad and angry and don't know what to do. And I'm embarrassed - acutely embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something about you just turns me off completely.... Maybe it's your attitude? I can't quite figure it out. You seem so damn uptight. Please get laid ASAP. Do it for the people.

she talks like a man.

[Anonymous]

Definitely just flirt more. It's easy. Just open up and be silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even the stereotypical reclusive, frumpy, Ben & Jerrys eating person. I don't really think I'm socially anxious. On the one hand, I know why I have been single up till the age of 24 - I wanted an arranged marriage and didn't want to date. (I'm Sri Lankan American - not religious or anything, just was brought up thinking arranged marriages were the most successful ones). But from the age of 24 to now, I haven't wanted an arranged marriage and I'm not sure why it has been so difficult to get a boyfriend.

I can count the number of times I've been asked out, that's how pathetic it is. I only got asked out three times in high school, twice in college, and once during my Masters. Yup. Pathetic.

And I was always sociable and popular, and though I'm conservative, I'm not a prude. I'm pretty in a bookish-librarian way and plenty of people say it. I have lots of friends and I find it easy to make friends. I see guys stare at me, but they don't approach me. Why are men such pussies? I'm a nice, sweet, non-threatening, traditionally feminine woman. I don't think I look like a ball-buster. I'm not flirtatious, but that's because of how I was raised. I have often wondered why I make friends so quickly and easily (I make male friends easily too, I might add), and yet it is hard for me to get a guy to ask me out.

It's gotten to the point where I'm really wrapped up in negative thinking. I'm angry that I haven't had the fun romances that tons of girls my age have had. For some of them, getting a boyfriend is as easy as breathing. My little sister is 20 years old and has already been through like 9 boyfriends. I feel undesirable, like I'm not a real woman, or that I'm unfuckable or undateable. I see fat girls and dumb girls and socially awkward girls get boyfriends and husbands, so why not me? Is it really just because I have no clue about flirting?

I am sad and angry and don't know what to do. And I'm embarrassed - acutely embarrassed.

OP I was just like you Never had a date in high school, one or two in college (so rare I forgot about them) and no one until I met my husband at 34. All my friends wondered why I wasn't married as there didn't seem to be anything wrong with me. I just didn't connect with men on a romantic level. It depressed the hell out of me, and I expected to remain unmarried I still consider it a fluke that I met my husband and that he saw something in me no other man had. We have a great life together.

[Anonymous]

OP here Thanks soooo much for the people who also offered their own experiences with this - immensely helpful and appreciated. Unfortunately some ignorant people also responded, so let's set them straight.

Anonymous wrote:
Not that you're asking for my opinion on the matter but I'll offer my 2 cents just for the hell of it...
I'm gonna take a wild guess and assume that the primary root of the problem here may be cultural. Granted the OP says she's not reclusive or frumpy nor is she "hyper-religious" (Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim) but the fact of the matter is that from a cultural perspective Sri Lanka is not exactly the most renowned place in the world when it comes to gender equality. Women are responsible for cooking, raising children, and taking care of housework - period. Women aren't encouraged to be outgoing and expressive and women aren't supposed to approach men out or to even have male friends. People often forget that the US is an anomaly of sorts when it comes to how women are perceived and what where women's respective roles are. For the OP overcoming the familiarity of patriarchy and asserting her autonomy may indeed be a very daunting challenge and truth be told I think she needs to deal with the responsibility of helping herself first and foremost (confidence, self-esteem, etc.) before looking to take on the responsibility of being in a relationship.

Hi. Accept that you're COMPLETELY clueless about South Asian culture and move on with your blinkered life. Every single line in this post is total bullshit and would be refuted by any South Asian American woman, considering that we are raised in pretty damn empowered environments and are encouraged to be as outgoing and expressive as we please. Are you saying that we're apparently chattel because dating is discouraged in our communities? It's discouraged for the boys too, FYI. And it's hard to argue that we're poor, oppressed females when every single female in my family - and in the wider Sri Lankan/Indian network I know - is either gainfully employed or else a SAHM who rules the roost at home. I am sure it makes you feel better to believe that non-Anglo Saxon cultures are drowning in oppressive patriarchy, but I think you need a reality check.

OP, do you have a naturally high, medium or low libido? Mine is high, and because of that, learning to flirt with guys just came naturally. I can't imagine being a virgin at 26. No wonder you're angry.

This is hilarious. 1) Don't assume that I'm a virgin because I haven't had any opportunities, or because it has anything to do with my libido, 2) It may have escaped your attention, but there are toys that deliver the same result, and virgins not only have the ability to buy these, but we also enjoy them, 3) It's irresponsible, idiotic, and shows a painful lack of understanding to assume that any of my anger has to do with sex. Some people place value on, and crave, companionship, which is not the same thing as sex.

[Anonymous]

OP, every response you post makes you sound more insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, every response you post makes you sound more insufferable.

+1
She needs to prove that she is right all the time and it's so boring and tiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here Thanks soooo much for the people who also offered their own experiences with this - immensely helpful and appreciated. Unfortunately some ignorant people also responded, so let's set them straight.

Anonymous wrote:
Not that you're asking for my opinion on the matter but I'll offer my 2 cents just for the hell of it...
I'm gonna take a wild guess and assume that the primary root of the problem here may be cultural. Granted the OP says she's not reclusive or frumpy nor is she "hyper-religious" (Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim) but the fact of the matter is that from a cultural perspective Sri Lanka is not exactly the most renowned place in the world when it comes to gender equality. Women are responsible for cooking, raising children, and taking care of housework - period. Women aren't encouraged to be outgoing and expressive and women aren't supposed to approach men out or to even have male friends. People often forget that the US is an anomaly of sorts when it comes to how women are perceived and what where women's respective roles are. For the OP overcoming the familiarity of patriarchy and asserting her autonomy may indeed be a very daunting challenge and truth be told I think she needs to deal with the responsibility of helping herself first and foremost (confidence, self-esteem, etc.) before looking to take on the responsibility of being in a relationship.

Hi. Accept that you're COMPLETELY clueless about South Asian culture and move on with your blinkered life. Every single line in this post is total bullshit and would be refuted by any South Asian American woman, considering that we are raised in pretty damn empowered environments and are encouraged to be as outgoing and expressive as we please. Are you saying that we're apparently chattel because dating is discouraged in our communities? It's discouraged for the boys too, FYI. And it's hard to argue that we're poor, oppressed females when every single female in my family - and in the wider Sri Lankan/Indian network I know - is either gainfully employed or else a SAHM who rules the roost at home. I am sure it makes you feel better to believe that non-Anglo Saxon cultures are drowning in oppressive patriarchy, but I think you need a reality check.

OP, do you have a naturally high, medium or low libido? Mine is high, and because of that, learning to flirt with guys just came naturally. I can't imagine being a virgin at 26. No wonder you're angry.

This is hilarious. 1) Don't assume that I'm a virgin because I haven't had any opportunities, or because it has anything to do with my libido, 2) It may have escaped your attention, but there are toys that deliver the same result, and virgins not only have the ability to buy these, but we also enjoy them, 3) It's irresponsible, idiotic, and shows a painful lack of understanding to assume that any of my anger has to do with sex. Some people place value on, and crave, companionship, which is not the same thing as sex.

When you begin to understand how this post of yours comes across, you will understand why you are 26 and never had a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you give of a gay vibe?