26 and never had a boyfriend - what the hell is going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Maybe you need to try SENDING some of the messages...

Much like you are waiting for men to ask you out in person, you seem to be waiting for the right match to find you online. Novel idea: go look for him yourself!

Uh, no, I sent plenty of messages. I'm not sure why you're assuming I didn't? The usual pattern was that the guy would reply politely and we'd talk a little, and then he'd stop replying - a polite way of saying no. I could blame myself for having high standards (not necessarily in terms of looks but in terms of smarts and education), so that could be the reason why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no need to be embarrassed. I think one of the problems is that you are waiting for guys to take the lead and ask you out. This often isn't the way things work in modern-day relationships.

I would work on flirting - just practice smiling, or having slightly more touchy-feeling body language (i.e. a hand on forearm). Are you open to online dating? I am a bit older than you, but this is how most of my single friends are finding people to date. And as PP mentioned, I would focus on having fun vs. finding someone to settle down with right away.

Sounds like good advice to me. I'm much older than you, OP, so I wasn't going to share my experience, thinking it was out of date but it sounds like growing up a girl in the 60s isn't so different from what you've been through. Anyway, what I mean is that when I was young I thought a virtuous girl didn't show a boy she liked him but would wait patiently for him to ask her out. And I thought boys were comfortable with this power they had to ask girls out.

Somewhere in college I started really understanding that dating was pretty scary for guys, too, and why would they assume I liked them if I didn't actually make it clear that I liked them? So I think this pp's advice about learning how to flirt and focus on having fun is spot-on. You can do this! Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Maybe try SOuth Asian online dating sites?

[Anonymous]

But how do I learn how to flirt and have fun? Okay that question literally sounds hilarious, but this is really dauntingly scary for me at this point. Obviously I have fun all the time, but I don't know what flirty boy fun is supposed to be like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But how do I learn how to flirt and have fun? Okay that question literally sounds hilarious, but this is really dauntingly scary for me at this point. Obviously I have fun all the time, but I don't know what flirty boy fun is supposed to be like.

Don't worry about it. Just smile, laugh, make eye contact etc. you don't have to change yr personality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even the stereotypical reclusive, frumpy, Ben & Jerrys eating person. I don't really think I'm socially anxious. On the one hand, I know why I have been single up till the age of 24 - I wanted an arranged marriage and didn't want to date. (I'm Sri Lankan American - not religious or anything, just was brought up thinking arranged marriages were the most successful ones). But from the age of 24 to now, I haven't wanted an arranged marriage and I'm not sure why it has been so difficult to get a boyfriend.

I can count the number of times I've been asked out, that's how pathetic it is. I only got asked out three times in high school, twice in college, and once during my Masters. Yup. Pathetic.

And I was always sociable and popular, and though I'm conservative, I'm not a prude. I'm pretty in a bookish-librarian way and plenty of people say it. I have lots of friends and I find it easy to make friends. I see guys stare at me, but they don't approach me. Why are men such pussies? I'm a nice, sweet, non-threatening, traditionally feminine woman. I don't think I look like a ball-buster. I'm not flirtatious, but that's because of how I was raised. I have often wondered why I make friends so quickly and easily (I make male friends easily too, I might add), and yet it is hard for me to get a guy to ask me out.

It's gotten to the point where I'm really wrapped up in negative thinking. I'm angry that I haven't had the fun romances that tons of girls my age have had. For some of them, getting a boyfriend is as easy as breathing. My little sister is 20 years old and has already been through like 9 boyfriends. I feel undesirable, like I'm not a real woman, or that I'm unfuckable or undateable. I see fat girls and dumb girls and socially awkward girls get boyfriends and husbands, so why not me? Is it really just because I have no clue about flirting?

I am sad and angry and don't know what to do. And I'm embarrassed - acutely embarrassed.

I can picture you. Maybe you dress boring, have a dead look on your face when men pass by, looking completely uninterested. They probably assume oh, she is a foreigner, probably really super conservative and has a Sri Lankan BF or husband. Do you wear your hair in a low ponytail everyday?

When a man walks by, smile, wave, and say hi damn it! Engage in small talk. You need to be approachable. And make sure your clothes are trendy. Wear tighter pants, like from the Limited or Black Market. Wear Gucci No. 2 or Ferragamo Heaven. Let your hair down. Wear a barely there lipstick. Work it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But how do I learn how to flirt and have fun? Okay that question literally sounds hilarious, but this is really dauntingly scary for me at this point. Obviously I have fun all the time, but I don't know what flirty boy fun is supposed to be like.

You say:

"Heyyyyy. Whats up? What's the latest?"

If the guy asks what you mean, like personally or at work, just say "like whatever is the latest that is good or new?"

[Anonymous]

BTW:

I work with a guy who exclusively likes women just like you - his wife, female friends. . . And he is as american a cherry pie.

[Anonymous]

Odds are that you very high standards and you aren't even attractive. Those two qualities don't mix well. Change one of them. If you aren't even fuckable, then something is wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

PP, lol! I'm not the OP. Probably true though since I was thinking the same!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Isn't it awesome when the anonymity of the Internet, and especially DCUM, brings out the assholery? I'm proud that it took quite a few posts before the douchebags came out to play though. My faith in the Internet is renewed.

Maybe you dress boring, have a dead look on your face when men pass by, looking completely uninterested

Haha no not really. I dress feminine (though more on the preppy side of things than a sexy look) and in any case I have a very public, client-facing job that requires me to dress really well. I'm not a slob in my free time though.

I think it's a question of confidence and self-esteem really. I have plenty of confidence in all other areas of my life, but this.

[Anonymous]

OP we don't know you so we have to guess and project based on the women we don't know. Being offended and defensive by that makes you sound really uptight and not fun to be around. FYI.

[Anonymous]

*women we do know

[Anonymous]

I disagree with PPs: I think you might be more attractive in person than online. The way you communicate here is a bit.. annoying? A lot of HAHAs and not-so-funny jokes. I would suggest joining an activity group: running, singles nights meetups, etc. Just don't join for the reason of finding a man - join to have fun and learn to flirt.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,
I am a 40 year old Indian woman, now married and with a child. I was raised JUST LIKE YOU and my 20s sound like yours!! Conservative, yet not religious, highly educated, tons of friends, pretty, outgoing, etc....I can make a few recommendations.

1. Self confidence is key. Fake it until you really have it. Men love confidence (not arrogance!)
2. Lose excess weight, if you have any. On the other hand, gain a few pounds if you are too skinny. Go to the gym and get fit!! Men don't like too fat or too thin. I know this is superficial, but I am trying to give you very practical advice.
3. Start doing activities that you enjoy where you might meet men (volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, join a club etc)
4. Ask your friends to set you up on dates. Ask your most trusted friends to tell you honestly how you can improve your chances of meeting someone (i.e., what you need to change about yourself) and take their criticisms constructively.
5. SMILE!!! Practice this in the grocery store, at work, etc. This makes you approachable. BE FRIENDLY and observe women who seem to have tons of men around them. Do what they do -- smile, laugh easily, touch an elbow, be kind to everyone, and do not judge others.
7. BE CONFIDENT! You are so young. I wish I had not worried as much as I did when I was your age. All I wanted was a boyfriend. Now I realize 26 was the prime of my life and I should not have worried about anything....and should have focused on enjoying my youth!! Try to have fun!! I hope you find happiness