26 and never had a boyfriend - what the hell is going on?

[Anonymous]

I'm not even the stereotypical reclusive, frumpy, Ben & Jerrys eating person. I don't really think I'm socially anxious. On the one hand, I know why I have been single up till the age of 24 - I wanted an arranged marriage and didn't want to date. (I'm Sri Lankan American - not religious or anything, just was brought up thinking arranged marriages were the most successful ones). But from the age of 24 to now, I haven't wanted an arranged marriage and I'm not sure why it has been so difficult to get a boyfriend.

I can count the number of times I've been asked out, that's how pathetic it is. I only got asked out three times in high school, twice in college, and once during my Masters. Yup. Pathetic.

And I was always sociable and popular, and though I'm conservative, I'm not a prude. I'm pretty in a bookish-librarian way and plenty of people say it. I have lots of friends and I find it easy to make friends. I see guys stare at me, but they don't approach me. Why are men such pussies? I'm a nice, sweet, non-threatening, traditionally feminine woman. I don't think I look like a ball-buster. I'm not flirtatious, but that's because of how I was raised. I have often wondered why I make friends so quickly and easily (I make male friends easily too, I might add), and yet it is hard for me to get a guy to ask me out.

It's gotten to the point where I'm really wrapped up in negative thinking. I'm angry that I haven't had the fun romances that tons of girls my age have had. For some of them, getting a boyfriend is as easy as breathing. My little sister is 20 years old and has already been through like 9 boyfriends. I feel undesirable, like I'm not a real woman, or that I'm unfuckable or undateable. I see fat girls and dumb girls and socially awkward girls get boyfriends and husbands, so why not me? Is it really just because I have no clue about flirting?

I am sad and angry and don't know what to do. And I'm embarrassed - acutely embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

26 is young!!! go have fun. you may not meet him until you are 30 or 35 and that would be fine.

[Anonymous]

OP here. You depress me.

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of Indian American friends whose parents didn't let them date till their early twenties or later and then all of a sudden expected them to be great at finding a boyfriend/husband. And then found themselves without dating skills. As one put it, "all my life it has been, don't talk to boys don't talk to boys, and then a flip switches, and they're like, talk to boys talk talk why haven't you found a husband??"
No solid advice, but I do think for years you probably were shut off and sending out the wrong signals and you may still be doing that.
I think you should go on online dating sites just to get some practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You depress me.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of Indian American friends whose parents didn't let them date till their early twenties or later and then all of a sudden expected them to be great at finding a boyfriend/husband. And then found themselves without dating skills. As one put it, "all my life it has been, don't talk to boys don't talk to boys, and then a flip switches, and they're like, talk to boys talk talk why haven't you found a husband??"
No solid advice, but I do think for years you probably were shut off and sending out the wrong signals and you may still be doing that.
I think you should go on online dating sites just to get some practice.

DUDE SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. This is EXACTLY my life right now.

Haha and that PP depressed me because the idea of waiting till my thirties, when my boobs are at knee-level, is depressing as hell.

[Anonymous]

There is no need to be embarrassed. I think one of the problems is that you are waiting for guys to take the lead and ask you out. This often isn't the way things work in modern-day relationships.

I would work on flirting - just practice smiling, or having slightly more touchy-feeling body language (i.e. a hand on forearm). Are you open to online dating? I am a bit older than you, but this is how most of my single friends are finding people to date. And as PP mentioned, I would focus on having fun vs. finding someone to settle down with right away.

[Anonymous]

I'm 29 and married with kids. I met my husband when I was 18.I'm outgoing and was popular in high school. I've always been friendly and I'm very social. I really feel that you need to put yourself out there more..introduce yourself before he has a chance and if you're interested, say something! Don't feel that 26 is too old You have time and lots of it. Don't look for a husband, just start looking for interesting people that you enjoy spending time with. When I met my husband, I had no plans on him becoming my husband. Unlike some women, I didn't have a check list of everything I wanted in a spouse. We met, had fun and continued to make plans. Live your life and let everything else fall into place!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of Indian American friends whose parents didn't let them date till their early twenties or later and then all of a sudden expected them to be great at finding a boyfriend/husband. And then found themselves without dating skills. As one put it, "all my life it has been, don't talk to boys don't talk to boys, and then a flip switches, and they're like, talk to boys talk talk why haven't you found a husband??"
No solid advice, but I do think for years you probably were shut off and sending out the wrong signals and you may still be doing that.
I think you should go on online dating sites just to get some practice.

DUDE SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. This is EXACTLY my life right now.

Haha and that PP depressed me because the idea of waiting till my thirties, when my boobs are at knee-level, is depressing as hell.

I am in my thirties, happily married with a child. My boobs are were they should be as the rest of my body parts. Anyways, those of my married friends who were popular in their 20s are being approached the time in their thirties as well (I know, married, with kids). Does not depend on your boobs, really.

[Anonymous]

Go online.

[Anonymous]

Haha sorry I didn't mean to insult the 30-somethings here. I am sure all of you are hotties. I just think I'm behind the clock a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even the stereotypical reclusive, frumpy, Ben & Jerrys eating person. I don't really think I'm socially anxious. On the one hand, I know why I have been single up till the age of 24 - I wanted an arranged marriage and didn't want to date. (I'm Sri Lankan American - not religious or anything, just was brought up thinking arranged marriages were the most successful ones). But from the age of 24 to now, I haven't wanted an arranged marriage and I'm not sure why it has been so difficult to get a boyfriend.

I can count the number of times I've been asked out, that's how pathetic it is. I only got asked out three times in high school, twice in college, and once during my Masters. Yup. Pathetic.

And I was always sociable and popular, and though I'm conservative, I'm not a prude. I'm pretty in a bookish-librarian way and plenty of people say it. I have lots of friends and I find it easy to make friends. I see guys stare at me, but they don't approach me. Why are men such pussies? I'm a nice, sweet, non-threatening, traditionally feminine woman. I don't think I look like a ball-buster. I'm not flirtatious, but that's because of how I was raised. I have often wondered why I make friends so quickly and easily (I make male friends easily too, I might add), and yet it is hard for me to get a guy to ask me out.

It's gotten to the point where I'm really wrapped up in negative thinking. I'm angry that I haven't had the fun romances that tons of girls my age have had. For some of them, getting a boyfriend is as easy as breathing. My little sister is 20 years old and has already been through like 9 boyfriends. I feel undesirable, like I'm not a real woman, or that I'm unfuckable or undateable. I see fat girls and dumb girls and socially awkward girls get boyfriends and husbands, so why not me? Is it really just because I have no clue about flirting?

I am sad and angry and don't know what to do. And I'm embarrassed - acutely embarrassed.

How open are you/have you been to dating men of other races? Because if you've basically been looking in your culture, where the arranged marriage thing is more common, you may have cut yourself off from men of other cultures. Interracial dating is less common to begin with, but if you were more immersed in your own culture, with all that entails regarding gender roles, that may have a lot to do with it.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I tried OK Cupid. Nobody seemed to really like my profile and I got a lot of messages from guys seeking hook-ups, or guys who can't spell/punctuate, or blue-collar guys (not that I'm a snob, I just know we wouldn't be compatible), or older men. I dunno. Maybe I should try a different online dating site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not even the stereotypical reclusive, frumpy, Ben & Jerrys eating person. I don't really think I'm socially anxious. On the one hand, I know why I have been single up till the age of 24 - I wanted an arranged marriage and didn't want to date. (I'm Sri Lankan American - not religious or anything, just was brought up thinking arranged marriages were the most successful ones). But from the age of 24 to now, I haven't wanted an arranged marriage and I'm not sure why it has been so difficult to get a boyfriend.

I can count the number of times I've been asked out, that's how pathetic it is. I only got asked out three times in high school, twice in college, and once during my Masters. Yup. Pathetic.

And I was always sociable and popular, and though I'm conservative, I'm not a prude. I'm pretty in a bookish-librarian way and plenty of people say it. I have lots of friends and I find it easy to make friends. I see guys stare at me, but they don't approach me. Why are men such pussies? I'm a nice, sweet, non-threatening, traditionally feminine woman. I don't think I look like a ball-buster. I'm not flirtatious, but that's because of how I was raised. I have often wondered why I make friends so quickly and easily (I make male friends easily too, I might add), and yet it is hard for me to get a guy to ask me out.

It's gotten to the point where I'm really wrapped up in negative thinking. I'm angry that I haven't had the fun romances that tons of girls my age have had. For some of them, getting a boyfriend is as easy as breathing. My little sister is 20 years old and has already been through like 9 boyfriends. I feel undesirable, like I'm not a real woman, or that I'm unfuckable or undateable. I see fat girls and dumb girls and socially awkward girls get boyfriends and husbands, so why not me? Is it really just because I have no clue about flirting?

I am sad and angry and don't know what to do. And I'm embarrassed - acutely embarrassed.

How open are you/have you been to dating men of other races? Because if you've basically been looking in your culture, where the arranged marriage thing is more common, you may have cut yourself off from men of other cultures. Interracial dating is less common to begin with, but if you were more immersed in your own culture, with all that entails regarding gender roles, that may have a lot to do with it.

Oh I am totally open to it. Not religious at all, just conservative in other ways (not into casual sex, drinking till black out, etc). I'd date any race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I tried OK Cupid. Nobody seemed to really like my profile and I got a lot of messages from guys seeking hook-ups, or guys who can't spell/punctuate, or blue-collar guys (not that I'm a snob, I just know we wouldn't be compatible), or older men. I dunno. Maybe I should try a different online dating site.

Maybe you need to try SENDING some of the messages...

Much like you are waiting for men to ask you out in person, you seem to be waiting for the right match to find you online. Novel idea: go look for him yourself!

Now, like most women you probably like to be pursued and wooed and think taking control in this way doesn't suit your feminine style? You don't have to do the asking out, but you do have to work on approaching men. Okcupid has every kind of guy imaginable on there, so visit a few dozen profiles and send short messages to the guys you'd like to know more about - compliment a band they like or ask about a picture they posted or something. Then message or chat normally, amiably, and he will know you're interested. He'll ask you out if he is also.