26 and never had a boyfriend - what the hell is going on?

[Anonymous]

shaadi.com. Try it.

[Anonymous]

I was raised by fairly conservative parents in a Catholic family, although I myself am agnostic. I was a straight-A kid who took no drugs and didn't drink. I was (and am) thin, fit, and attractive. But I didn't date.

By my mid-20s, I was convinced that I was destined for spinster hood. Sure, I attracted plenty of men, but I had built a pretty high wall around myself. I had tons of friends, male and female, but no boyfriends. They would try to set me up with eligible men. Every time I went on a date, I thought, "I hope I like him." I never did. I focused instead on my career and got an MBA from one of the very top business schools. My mother was convinced I would meet interesting guys there. And I did, but still no boyfriend.

And then, one month before my 28th birthday, I met someone through a friend. We hit it off immediately. Within three months, he told me that we were going to get married someday. I was skeptical to say the least. He was right. We did get married three years later, and are happily married still, almost 20 years later.

Anyway, this is meant to encourage you. Don't panic. The right person for you is still out there. Keep making friends with lots of people and doing lots of interesting things. Not only will you be happier, you are more likely to meet like-minded men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you posting on a parenting website?

Because presumably if you have children, you actually succeeded at finding a mate (even if very briefly!).

[Anonymous]

Your expectations for a mate do not match your level of attractiveness. Period. Seen this many times. Would you date a mildly dorky engineer, like someone who works at NASA or a dense contractor? They are often into strong willed women and are comfortable with many races b/c they work in more diverse workplace (unlike lawyers or finance folk).

But you are not paying attention to the smart cute geeky guys, because there have probably been some noticing you if you are at least passingly attractive, but you have been fixated on the unattainable and wondering why that one won't pursue you. Open your eyes and your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your expectations for a mate do not match your level of attractiveness. Period. Seen this many times. Would you date a mildly dorky engineer, like someone who works at NASA or a dense contractor? They are often into strong willed women and are comfortable with many races b/c they work in more diverse workplace (unlike lawyers or finance folk).

But you are not paying attention to the smart cute geeky guys, because there have probably been some noticing you if you are at least passingly attractive, but you have been fixated on the unattainable and wondering why that one won't pursue you. Open your eyes and your mind.

+1 you sound too picky, OP.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with 1:08. I grew up I a conservative, horribly abusive family and there's no way I could have dated in high school. I was always outgoing and popular but never could have anyone over to the house or to go on a date. College was a transition period for me (and an escape). I was interested in having relationship but never got asked out (yes, I'm attractive in a cute way and was always fit/athletic). It wasn't until I just gave up that I finally met the guy who would be DH. I was 29, he was a friend of male friend and I was totally taken aback when he asked me out - I was about to be posted overseas for a long term assignment. We dated the short time I was here and then I left. It was after that that I developed a lot more confidence in myself. I couldn't believe what a difference it made. I was totally myself but confident and at ease. I dated other guys while overseas but still kept in contact with the guy who would be my DH. When I got back a couple years later, we got serious. Got married at 35 - and, FWIW, my boobs have always been ample but never perky. After 3 kids and nearing 50, they're definitely Nat'l Geographic material but I wear a good bra and can tell that I'd get asked out if I weren't married.

My suggestion would be to set aside a desire/need to settle down. Focus on doing activities you like and meeting people (people! not just men) through them. Be open to someone you don't think of as your type initially. My DH wasn't what I thought my type was but, in fact ,he's really a good match for me. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP we don't know you so we have to guess and project based on the women we don't know. Being offended and defensive by that makes you sound really uptight and not fun to be around. FYI.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your expectations for a mate do not match your level of attractiveness. Period. Seen this many times. Would you date a mildly dorky engineer, like someone who works at NASA or a dense contractor? They are often into strong willed women and are comfortable with many races b/c they work in more diverse workplace (unlike lawyers or finance folk).

But you are not paying attention to the smart cute geeky guys, because there have probably been some noticing you if you are at least passingly attractive, but you have been fixated on the unattainable and wondering why that one won't pursue you. Open your eyes and your mind.

+1 you sound too picky, OP.

I have to agree with these posters and put my spin on it.... Your insides seem as unattractive as your outside. Tone down the inside and tone up the outside.

[Anonymous]

I have a couple of friends who had this problem. It's not as uncommon as you fear, OP. Especially among people who, for whatever reason, are late bloomers with regard to love. It probably feels like when you look around all you see are couples, but I promise reality is more nuanced.

And if it's any comfort, my once-lovelorn friends are now paired off. (We're all in our ancient 30s.)

Approachability is key. You want to give off the vibe that you're open to talking and interacting with people, but not seem desperate. It can be a difficult line. That's why so many folks recommend volunteering or getting involved in activities - which is indeed good advice. If you're doing something positive that interests you, you're going to be in that upbeat, approachable zone by default...and if there happens to be single men around to see it, great.

Anything you can do to make more friends in general, do it. More friends mean more social activities, more "I know a guy..." scenarios, more parties to go to etc. etc.

Online dating is a mixed bag. You can't not try it here in 2013, and for those people for whom it works, it really works. But for those who strike out, it's a big time investment and a lot of discouragement. Keep plowing through it if you can. Try different sites.

One of my friends who had this problem is prettier and slimmer and smarter than me, she is totally the complete package. But I'd get all the attention when we went out together. Not because I'm some amazing beauty, but because I smile a lot. Men didn't assume I'd reject them right off the bat. It sounds so amazingly stupid and trivial, but it worked. My friend just gave off this "leave me alone" vibe even though she wanted to be approached. You might unwittingly be doing the same thing. Ultimately she met a guy in her MBA program, and having the schoolwork in common allowed her boyfriend to get to know her without the "do not approach" walls coming up.

[Anonymous]

one word. shaddi.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get in shape .. Work out.
Have your hair and nails perfectly done
Wear small hoop earrings
Whiten teeth
Get a boob job
Wear yoga pants
Learn to walk gracefully in heels

You can now be choosy!!

Eww do not wear hoops unless you want to look trashy. Studs only.

Do you always clutch your pearls?

[Anonymous]

find someone through a church in your faith or similar conservative values.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you sound picky, unattractive, or whatever other insults were tossed your way. You're inexperienced and unsure of how to proceed. Great advice above (minus the boob job and random sex suggestions). I will second (or third, or whatever) the advice of joining interest groups. Join Team in Traning and work towards a half marathon, volunteer to teach ESL (lots of singles in DC do that), join social groups for South Asians. Not because you must be with one, but they will understand where you're coming from and why you may sometimes be uncomfortable around men. Good luck. You will do just fine.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am so heartened by all the wonderful replies I've gotten in this thread from women who are like me. I'm so happy for all of you and so encouraged that all of you got past it and found wonderful men.

I'm not going to lie, I'm very scared at the prospect of changing. I also have to figure out how to let go of a certain undercurrent of anger and bitterness I feel over all of this. I hope I get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your expectations for a mate do not match your level of attractiveness. Period. Seen this many times. Would you date a mildly dorky engineer, like someone who works at NASA or a dense contractor? They are often into strong willed women and are comfortable with many races b/c they work in more diverse workplace (unlike lawyers or finance folk).

But you are not paying attention to the smart cute geeky guys, because there have probably been some noticing you if you are at least passingly attractive, but you have been fixated on the unattainable and wondering why that one won't pursue you. Open your eyes and your mind.

+1 you sound too picky, OP.

I have to agree with these posters and put my spin on it.... Your insides seem as unattractive as your outside. Tone down the inside and tone up the outside.

This person thinks insulting you will make him/herself feel better about their sad life. Please know that they are a pathetic minority amongst us.