Husband asked me to change my behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always envisioned my life and had certain standards for it. I do struggle with feeling like things need to be a certain way and perfect. I like things to be just right. Example: I will make the same recipe many times until I perfect it. This happened for our wedding, home, and now our baby. I had to have prefect everything for this baby. My birth plan is not what I wanted and I’m crushed and in a bad funk. DH kindly sat me down and shared his feelings and worries over my perfection. He feels my feelings of perfection will derail my happiness. He doesn’t like how rigid I am and wants me to loosen up. I’m not sure how to achieve that or why I’m like this. He married me knowing how I am. He doesn’t get to change me.

Take it from someone who almost died during pregnancy - your birth plan should be for you to come through it healthy, and with a healthy baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your marriage will end in divorce. Things won't be perfect and you can't control that. You need to learn to let go of some of this control. You will make your husband miserable and eventually your own child. Is that what you want all so you can have the perfect house and throw perfect parties? A miserable family?

Seems so

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorcing a perfectionist and holy crap, ove never felt so FREE!

I can leave a fork in the sink over night.
I can eyeball a hanging a picture on the wall.
I can get all sandy and messy with my kiddos.
I can let them stay up late on a warm summer night.
I can plan a weekend away in a whim without researching everything to death and huffing and puffing if every single ideal activity we are "supposed" to do at that location doesn't fit in the time frame.

It's been 6 months of separation and I literally wake up on a freedom high every single day. It's pure bliss.

OP, this is your future if you don’t take this seriously. Your kids will also much prefer your spouse and you will come here and say it is because he “always gets to be the fun parent…” blah blah. Because nothing about growing up the child of a perfectionist is fun.

[Anonymous]

Medication can help, OP. You don't have to keep suffering like this.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you birth a healthy baby then you are being too hard on yourself if you are in a bad funk because your delivery is not going according to plan that you environed. The goal if for it to go perfectly with whatever is needed to have a healthy delivery and baby.

OCD and perfectionism are a hard road, made harder by having a child. You think it stems from childhood, please seek some mental health help. Your DH does not sound like a jerk and he is not trying to "change" you. He is trying to help you - a lot of partners would not be as supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

Think hard about why you are trying to make the most perfect welcome for your baby. Who are you doing that for? The baby doesn’t need or care about coming home to a perfect welcome. The baby won’t remember any of it either. You are doing all of this for yourself not the baby or your husband. Perfectionism is about making yourself happy not the people around you.

No, perfectionism is constant fearful fleeing from reality. It doesn't make anyone happy

[Anonymous]

For me, the demands of life after having a baby let me drop a lot of perfectionism that I had previously suffered from. I always felt bad about things not being perfect anymore. One of the best things that helped me was when a mom who really seemed to have her sh*t together had me and some other moms over to her house and the house was far from perfect (dishes in the sink, TP just sitting on the floor, rips in her couch, etc) and she didn't have any of the appetizers ready. She was so relaxed. We had the best time and that really made me realize that nobody can do it all and nobody else really cares if you don't do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

Seems unlikely. Most people with perfectionist tendencies extend it to their children.

This. I'm the PP with a mom like OP. My mom would never have said she expected us to be perfect. But her desire for control and perfection in all other situations in life is what ruined our relationship with her. And what contributed to my brother and mine own mental health struggles. I get that OP doesn't see how things can go wrong now, I think that goes along with her need for control and perfection. She doesn't see why it's bad. But as someone who has lived it and as someone who has a mom who deeply regrets it, please, make changes now.

PP. This tracks though - OP, the perfectionist, thinks she will be perfect and not fall into the traps that felled other non-perfect people.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. I think a lot of people on DCUM can identify which is why it's weird you are getting ciriticism.

But I say gently, it will be good to get help, you will lead a better life

[Anonymous]

Therapy OP. I’m a recovering perfectionist and it stems from anxiety due to c-ptsd. I had very controlling and judgmental parents and I s worked my entire adult life to change myself. When I had kids I felt like I got a do-over. My DH was very happy about the way I parented and I’m proud too. Basically went with living blind neglect, and didn’t do thing like warm baby bottles, and stuff that complicates each step.

I’ve been in therapy for 15 years, and was in joint therapy several years. Kids are adults now, and are much more mellow than me, but as anxiety can be inheritable, I think they have touches. It’s also on DH’s side.

Read the perfectionists guide to losing control. It will help you embrace your perfectionism in adaptive ways because there are some. It’s much better than saying all perfectionism is bad. Maladaptive perfectionism is bad.

Do it for you, not DH. GL!

[Anonymous]

I’m pp “loving blind neglect”

[Anonymous]

Geez, one last time, my autocorrect “loving benign neglect”

[Anonymous]

NP. My perfectionism heavily focuses on avoiding errors or mistakes — if something goes wrong despite my doing my best, I’m fine. I can roll with unexpected catastrophe. (Kid pukes and I have to rearrange our lives? Fine!) But if I mess up, or if future plans change such that I can no longer envision everything I’m going to do to avoid mistakes, I get very anxious and upset. I hate travel for this reason, which makes it no fun for my family to go on trips with me. I find unscheduled stretches of time stressful. I can’t just sit down and BE because I have a constant stream of things I feel like I need to worry about. It’s awful. I’m getting medicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

You very, very, very much need to be in therapy and possibly be medicated. Like now. I am not kidding. Post-partum is going to be very rough for you otherwise. Make your appointments now so you can meet your therapist before you give birth and see what the options are for phone or virtual appointments, although you should be able to get up and go in person in not too long (I had a c-section with twins).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always envisioned my life and had certain standards for it. I do struggle with feeling like things need to be a certain way and perfect. I like things to be just right. Example: I will make the same recipe many times until I perfect it. This happened for our wedding, home, and now our baby. I had to have prefect everything for this baby. My birth plan is not what I wanted and I’m crushed and in a bad funk. DH kindly sat me down and shared his feelings and worries over my perfection. He feels my feelings of perfection will derail my happiness. He doesn’t like how rigid I am and wants me to loosen up. I’m not sure how to achieve that or why I’m like this. He married me knowing how I am. He doesn’t get to change me.

Take it from someone who almost died during pregnancy - your birth plan should be for you to come through it healthy, and with a healthy baby.

+1

Also I had a friend like you, with a very detailed “natural” birth plan for both her kids and due to circumstances had to have two C-sections instead. She started hating her body, thinking of herself as less of a woman and a mom, and ended up deeply depressed and then divorced.