Husband asked me to change my behavior

[Anonymous]

It seems weird to me to lump together things you can control, like perfecting a recipe, with things you cannot control, like needing a c-section.
What’s perfectionistic about wanting or not wanting something you have very little control over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you would struggle less if you got some therapy for your perfectionism. It would probably help you be a better parent, too. (Just ask any more-experienced parent whether their baby's "perfect birth plan" and "perfect nursery" and "perfect baby schedule" prevented toddler tantrums or teenage rebellion.)

+1

He’s not trying change you, he’s trying to help you.

[Anonymous]

Buy this, do it.

https://www.amazon.com/CBT-Workbook-Perfectionism-Evidence-Based-Self-Criticism

[Anonymous]

NP. I am/was a perfectionist. I work hard to make everything go perfectly. Then when, inevitably, something doesn't go perfectly I get into a funk. (What is the saying: Man plans and God laughs??)

I wasn't able to change my behavior no matter what anyone said to me because it was my way of trying to maintain control. To avoid disaster. To avoid bad things. To make my life seem beautiful and harmonious. But then someone said something that I hadn't heard before. That I wasn't that I wanted to be so buttoned up and that was admirable (which is how I always thought of it as) but instead I was a catastrophist. Someone who is always worrying about the worst possible outcome (whether is was likely or not) and that by being a perfectionist I made myself feel better that I was going to avoid bad outcomes. Only sometimes bad outcomes happen anyway.

I proudly thought of myself as a great planner, not afraid of hard work, doing whatever it took. But I did not like to think of myself as someone who was mired in (deep down) catastrophic worries. That has helped me help myself change. It helped me realize that my mother did this in our unstable home. And I was determined to make sure I didn't pass it along to my own children.

[Anonymous]

HIs life with be miserable -- and he will leave you

Op, that is why he gets to wish it. By letting you know, he wants the marriage to work. But you need to change.

[Anonymous]

Perfectionism is a weakness, a character flaw. We have all flaws but if yours is perfectionism, then it is time to work on it. Maybe with a therapist if you haven’t been able to change it on your own. It is something you should want to change. It is a flaw that negatively affects you and those around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I am/was a perfectionist. I work hard to make everything go perfectly. Then when, inevitably, something doesn't go perfectly I get into a funk. (What is the saying: Man plans and God laughs??)

I wasn't able to change my behavior no matter what anyone said to me because it was my way of trying to maintain control. To avoid disaster. To avoid bad things. To make my life seem beautiful and harmonious. But then someone said something that I hadn't heard before. That I wasn't that I wanted to be so buttoned up and that was admirable (which is how I always thought of it as) but instead I was a catastrophist. Someone who is always worrying about the worst possible outcome (whether is was likely or not) and that by being a perfectionist I made myself feel better that I was going to avoid bad outcomes. Only sometimes bad outcomes happen anyway.

I proudly thought of myself as a great planner, not afraid of hard work, doing whatever it took. But I did not like to think of myself as someone who was mired in (deep down) catastrophic worries. That has helped me help myself change. It helped me realize that my mother did this in our unstable home. And I was determined to make sure I didn't pass it along to my own children.

Yes, realizing how much I am like my mother in this, and how much her being like this marred my childhood, has really given me a kick in the pants to deal with it. It’s hard but it’s doable. Be glad you have a husband who loves you and wants to help you, OP. Thank him for taking care of you and helping you to be a better you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perfectionism is a weakness, a character flaw. We have all flaws but if yours is perfectionism, then it is time to work on it. Maybe with a therapist if you haven’t been able to change it on your own. It is something you should want to change. It is a flaw that negatively affects you and those around you.

+1

Many think of perfectionism as a strength but its so tiresome to those around the perfectionist. Its a form of anxiety, usually stemming from needing to "control" situations, the environment they are in, how they are seen, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP are you an ACOA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

Totally reasonable to be unhappy about abdominal surgery! But don't let it ruin your life.

Let me just say I don’t know any woman where childbirth went exactly to their plan. It is not a controllable experience. Try to let it go and focus on the joy of your child.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that you acknowledge that having a hypercritical mother was damaging to you but that you don’t see that “Perfectionism” in a mother is inevitably going to feel like hypercriticism to the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

Yes, that is all probably true. And: therapy can help you change those things.

I am going to warn you in the strongest possible terms: your kid is not your project. They will have their own preferences, dreams, desires—they are not there for you to perfect. The sooner you get started figuring out how to mitigate this tendency in yourself, the better you will parent.

Your risk for PPD is also significantly higher than average. All the more reason to get a therapeutic relationship underway.

All of this, op. Please listen to this person. Having a child is humbling in so many ways. A change in your birth plan is just the first of many changes in plans you’ll be facing.

It’s great that you have some insight into why you’re like this. The next step is learning to adjust to changes, despite your discomfort with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always envisioned my life and had certain standards for it. I do struggle with feeling like things need to be a certain way and perfect. I like things to be just right. Example: I will make the same recipe many times until I perfect it. This happened for our wedding, home, and now our baby. I had to have prefect everything for this baby. My birth plan is not what I wanted and I’m crushed and in a bad funk. DH kindly sat me down and shared his feelings and worries over my perfection. He feels my feelings of perfection will derail my happiness. He doesn’t like how rigid I am and wants me to loosen up. I’m not sure how to achieve that or why I’m like this. He married me knowing how I am. He doesn’t get to change me.

That's true. He does not get to change you. Absolutely not.

However ... if you want to stay married ... you will talk with a psychiatrist about what are, at best, OCD tendencies. It's a rough way to live, and is affecting those around you.

This. Your husband sounds like he cares. Listen.

[Anonymous]

haven't read all the responses. as soon as you get with the baby routine, they change.

being type A doesn't mean you are the best or worst mom . you husband and baby love you no matter what. try to understand that you are doing your best and that is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

Seems to me the real issue is that you have no interest in changing. And it’s going to be a hard road for your husband and child to deal with a wife/mother is a perfectionist.

+1
Quickly start working on this or you’re going to have a long road ahead of you and a miserable child and dh. The whole idea of a birth plan is ridiculous, esp for a first time delivery. Sure there can be things that you think sound more appealing than others but to get so rigid and want to micromanage everything is insane and will only set you up for disappointment. Now you are wasting what should be one of the happiest times of your life sulking and not enjoying the last little child free bit which should be lovely and stress free.
For what it’s worth, I had to have a c-section w/ my first delivery. I had zero expectations or preferences, just wanted whatever would be healthiest for the babies. I had some medical issues in the pregnancy that made it necessary. The c section and recovery were basically a non-event and very easy. My second birth I asked for a c-section just bc I assumed I’d end up with the same issue and ultimately need one. I went into labor bed the c-section date. At the hospital they said I was the perfect candidate for a vbac so I went for it. It was terrible and needed forceps, and I’ve had lingering issues ever since. My final delivery, I insisted on a c-section and he was again uneventful. My point is that a C-section can be a lot easier and uneventful than a regular delivery.