Husband asked me to change my behavior

[Anonymous]

Oh dear. Sounds like you need to change ASAP. Its truly suffocating living with a rigid perfectionist like yourself. I think therapy might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh dear. Sounds like you need to change ASAP. Its truly suffocating living with a rigid perfectionist like yourself. I think therapy might help.

My second wife has OCD and never understood the issue

Everything and I mean everything has to be a certain way.

It is ruining our marriage. I don’t think I want to live like this for the rest of my life

So much crap happens that we can’t control. Surely we can jettison the make believe perfection

[Anonymous]

As one perfectionist to another:

Perfectionism is a mental illness, OP. You are not well. You need to change yourself before you destroy relationships, and traumatize your child.

Please seek professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

Why are you having a scheduled c-section?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I am/was a perfectionist. I work hard to make everything go perfectly. Then when, inevitably, something doesn't go perfectly I get into a funk. (What is the saying: Man plans and God laughs??)

I wasn't able to change my behavior no matter what anyone said to me because it was my way of trying to maintain control. To avoid disaster. To avoid bad things. To make my life seem beautiful and harmonious. But then someone said something that I hadn't heard before. That I wasn't that I wanted to be so buttoned up and that was admirable (which is how I always thought of it as) but instead I was a catastrophist. Someone who is always worrying about the worst possible outcome (whether is was likely or not) and that by being a perfectionist I made myself feel better that I was going to avoid bad outcomes. Only sometimes bad outcomes happen anyway.

I proudly thought of myself as a great planner, not afraid of hard work, doing whatever it took. But I did not like to think of myself as someone who was mired in (deep down) catastrophic worries. That has helped me help myself change. It helped me realize that my mother did this in our unstable home. And I was determined to make sure I didn't pass it along to my own children.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. There are definitely some lines of work where this kind of perfectionism is really valued and reinforced, and bet that you were in one. I know that it is in school. My daughter’s teachers are always telling her to do her best, and we have had a lot of talks about what is a reasonable amount of effort to put into her schoolwork and that her teachers don’t mean to do your best to the exclusion of other things or to the point that you are driving everyone else around you crazy.

This trait is not good or bad in itself. It’s something that serves you well at certain times of life and something that you have to learn to let go of at other times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I am/was a perfectionist. I work hard to make everything go perfectly. Then when, inevitably, something doesn't go perfectly I get into a funk. (What is the saying: Man plans and God laughs??)

I wasn't able to change my behavior no matter what anyone said to me because it was my way of trying to maintain control. To avoid disaster. To avoid bad things. To make my life seem beautiful and harmonious. But then someone said something that I hadn't heard before. That I wasn't that I wanted to be so buttoned up and that was admirable (which is how I always thought of it as) but instead I was a catastrophist. Someone who is always worrying about the worst possible outcome (whether is was likely or not) and that by being a perfectionist I made myself feel better that I was going to avoid bad outcomes. Only sometimes bad outcomes happen anyway.

I proudly thought of myself as a great planner, not afraid of hard work, doing whatever it took. But I did not like to think of myself as someone who was mired in (deep down) catastrophic worries. That has helped me help myself change. It helped me realize that my mother did this in our unstable home. And I was determined to make sure I didn't pass it along to my own children.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. There are definitely some lines of work where this kind of perfectionism is really valued and reinforced, and bet that you were in one. I know that it is in school. My daughter’s teachers are always telling her to do her best, and we have had a lot of talks about what is a reasonable amount of effort to put into her schoolwork and that her teachers don’t mean to do your best to the exclusion of other things or to the point that you are driving everyone else around you crazy.

This trait is not good or bad in itself. It’s something that serves you well at certain times of life and something that you have to learn to let go of at other times.

No, obsessing about how things should be out of some deeply-held but unstated belief that if you worry enough you will prevent bad things from happening is not a good trait. Being careful and thoughtful is good! But you have to be able to satisfice.

[Anonymous]

This was my mom and frankly, my childhood was hell. I'm 38 now and my mom has major major regrets for her controlling and perfectionist ways when I was growing up. She's on meds and has gotten a lot of therapy and has a great relationship with her grandkids, but her relationship with my brother and me is still pretty strained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

Definitely seek therapy. Your husband loves you and is telling you something you need to hear. You have a lot of issues you need to unpack. There is nothing that will uproot your orderly sense of control as a baby. Get some tools in your kit for this from someone trained to help you.

As for the c-section, I get it. Surgery isn’t fun. A lot of women envision a “natural” birth and it can be disappointing when that plan doesn’t work out. But as Im sure your husband has said, the goal is a healthy mom and a healthy baby and you are doing the best you can by listening to the medical professionals on this. I had a “natural” delivery and it too wasn’t what I envisioned. It was a traumatic back labor, the baby almost didn’t make it, the pain was beyond horrific, and there were lasting physical effects. So sometimes even what you think you want doesn’t turned out as planned! But you know what? I have a thriving healthy son and that’s all that matters.

[Anonymous]

What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

[Anonymous]

Where’s OP? It’s been 6 hours and no response. I really think it’s a troll throwing out some provocative nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where’s OP? It’s been 6 hours and no response. I really think it’s a troll throwing out some provocative nonsense.

Not a troll. I had plans and honestly forgot I even posted until I saw it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

Seems unlikely. Most people with perfectionist tendencies extend it to their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

OP please seek help

Your child needs you mentally he’s and you are not.

A natural birth is not a better birth or best birth. A healthy birth is the best birth

Do not be 9ne of those mothers that breast is best shit . Feed your kid how they need to be fed for them not you.

The best mother is one that puts her needs after her child’s

Your husband is correct you need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ocd and you need to do therapy with an ocd specialist don’t saddle your kid with that

Not OCD. At all. It's anxiety. People really do not understand OCD at all.