Husband asked me to change my behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What your child needs from you, more than anything else, is a loving, connected, emotionally available, relaxed, happy mom. Anything you can do to make yourself more like that is all to the good! I'm also a high-strung perfectionist, and it's good to have high standards, but you also need to recognize that you will not necessarily meet them in any given case and you will definitely never meet them in every case. It's often a good thing to WANT -- the part of me that worries incessantly over everything is the same part of me that notices we're running low on milk and someone's socks have holes and DH had a rough day so I'll make an effort to have his favorite dinner, just turned up to 11 -- but it's not actually achievable and the attempt will ruin your life and your kid's. Also your husband's, but he knew what he was getting into when he married you.

False choice for many people. You don’t need to be a high strung perfectionist to notice you are running low on milk or to be extra nice to your spouse who had a hard day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always envisioned my life and had certain standards for it. I do struggle with feeling like things need to be a certain way and perfect. I like things to be just right. Example: I will make the same recipe many times until I perfect it. This happened for our wedding, home, and now our baby. I had to have prefect everything for this baby. My birth plan is not what I wanted and I’m crushed and in a bad funk. DH kindly sat me down and shared his feelings and worries over my perfection. He feels my feelings of perfection will derail my happiness. He doesn’t like how rigid I am and wants me to loosen up. I’m not sure how to achieve that or why I’m like this. He married me knowing how I am. He doesn’t get to change me.

Is there a question here?

[Anonymous]

For your child’s sake and your marriage’s sake, as well as your own, get help. You’ve got to shed the perfectionism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your child needs from you, more than anything else, is a loving, connected, emotionally available, relaxed, happy mom. Anything you can do to make yourself more like that is all to the good! I'm also a high-strung perfectionist, and it's good to have high standards, but you also need to recognize that you will not necessarily meet them in any given case and you will definitely never meet them in every case. It's often a good thing to WANT -- the part of me that worries incessantly over everything is the same part of me that notices we're running low on milk and someone's socks have holes and DH had a rough day so I'll make an effort to have his favorite dinner, just turned up to 11 -- but it's not actually achievable and the attempt will ruin your life and your kid's. Also your husband's, but he knew what he was getting into when he married you.

False choice for many people. You don’t need to be a high strung perfectionist to notice you are running low on milk or to be extra nice to your spouse who had a hard day.

PP you're replying to. Oh sure, and I don't mean to imply you do! It would be much better and healthier if I could note and notice the things I need to, think about the stuff that's important, and let everything else go. I'm working towards that. I just mean that some flaws are like "a terrible thing that no one should do, stop it" and some are "a good thing taken too far," and for the second kind it can be hard to figure out how far is too far.

I definitely don't have OCD though, just anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

Well, about the c section specifically, scheduled c section is an awesome way to give birth. A completely uncomplicated vaginal birth (and there is NO way to predict this would be your situation...) might be slliiiggghtly above, but a scheduled C is great. I've done both and after scheduled C found it to be so miles above my semi complicated vaginal I kinda can't believe we make that a goal. Thr section was so civilized with an easy recovery, id pick that every time. I dont think it's anything to avoid unless you're in the group who wants a ton of kids, but for 2 to 3 its gravy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always envisioned my life and had certain standards for it. I do struggle with feeling like things need to be a certain way and perfect. I like things to be just right. Example: I will make the same recipe many times until I perfect it. This happened for our wedding, home, and now our baby. I had to have prefect everything for this baby. My birth plan is not what I wanted and I’m crushed and in a bad funk. DH kindly sat me down and shared his feelings and worries over my perfection. He feels my feelings of perfection will derail my happiness. He doesn’t like how rigid I am and wants me to loosen up. I’m not sure how to achieve that or why I’m like this. He married me knowing how I am. He doesn’t get to change me.

That mindset will lead you to a divorce. Mark my words.

[Anonymous]

Your husband doesn’t get to change you but your children do since you brought them into this world. Seek therapy for their sake, perfectionism is unsustainable and unrealistic- especially with kids. Work on providing them with two healthy and happy parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always envisioned my life and had certain standards for it. I do struggle with feeling like things need to be a certain way and perfect. I like things to be just right. Example: I will make the same recipe many times until I perfect it. This happened for our wedding, home, and now our baby. I had to have prefect everything for this baby. My birth plan is not what I wanted and I’m crushed and in a bad funk.

It seems like you understand these feelings are making you unhappy.

DH kindly sat me down and shared his feelings and worries over my perfection. He feels my feelings of perfection will derail my happiness. He doesn’t like how rigid I am and wants me to loosen up. I’m not sure how to achieve that or why I’m like this. He married me knowing how I am. He doesn’t get to change me.

So you seem to understand that your husband is trying to be kind, and maybe you're being reactive because you are feeling criticized, which triggers your desire to be perfect.

A therapist can help you achieve your rigidity/need to control things and derailing when things don't go your way or as anticipated; but a therapist can only help you if you understand you are unhappy and also that you don't have to feel this way- it's anxiety; or a result of your dysfunctional upbringing, which is why you are like this.

I similarly used to become extremely aggravated or enraged whenever things didn't work out, because I was so meticulous about planning and making sure everything would be perfect. With the help of a therapist, I was able to both realize and accept that not everything would be in my control. This helps a lot when you raise kids, because kids are born with personalities that are outside of your control. When they are little you dress them up and you think everything you do is training them somehow, but as they become older they have their own desires, motivations, etc. and good parents respond to that versus becoming controlling. Good luck, I hope you do find a therapist you like who helps you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always envisioned my life and had certain standards for it. I do struggle with feeling like things need to be a certain way and perfect. I like things to be just right. Example: I will make the same recipe many times until I perfect it. This happened for our wedding, home, and now our baby. I had to have prefect everything for this baby. My birth plan is not what I wanted and I’m crushed and in a bad funk. DH kindly sat me down and shared his feelings and worries over my perfection. He feels my feelings of perfection will derail my happiness. He doesn’t like how rigid I am and wants me to loosen up. I’m not sure how to achieve that or why I’m like this. He married me knowing how I am. He doesn’t get to change me.

Is there a question here?

Who cares? Act like an adult and skip over the thread. People on here need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you sound like a complete drag.

[Anonymous]

He's worried you're going to be a bad mother. Having a persnickety mother who things there are "right" and "perfect" ways to do things are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Girl- you need to read The Happiness Trap. He's right!

https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living

[Anonymous]

Sure, you can defiantly declare that he can't change you. But don't expect to be married in five years with that attitude. Don't trick yourself into thinking that having a baby with him somehow secures your future as a married person. He only has one life like you, and if he ends up very unhappy because of your rigidness, or worse, if he feels he has to protect your child from you, you'll Find yourself divorced, for sure.

[Anonymous]

You may have Type A personality.
Many people do.

I wouldn’t change my perfection standards for your husband - he needs to accept you as you are.
However it may be very difficult to parent your child effectively if you keep your current mindset.

Ask me how I know‼️🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

Yes, that is all probably true. And: therapy can help you change those things.

I am going to warn you in the strongest possible terms: your kid is not your project. They will have their own preferences, dreams, desires—they are not there for you to perfect. The sooner you get started figuring out how to mitigate this tendency in yourself, the better you will parent.

Your risk for PPD is also significantly higher than average. All the more reason to get a therapeutic relationship underway.