Husband asked me to change my behavior

[Anonymous]

I’ve always envisioned my life and had certain standards for it. I do struggle with feeling like things need to be a certain way and perfect. I like things to be just right. Example: I will make the same recipe many times until I perfect it. This happened for our wedding, home, and now our baby. I had to have prefect everything for this baby. My birth plan is not what I wanted and I’m crushed and in a bad funk. DH kindly sat me down and shared his feelings and worries over my perfection. He feels my feelings of perfection will derail my happiness. He doesn’t like how rigid I am and wants me to loosen up. I’m not sure how to achieve that or why I’m like this. He married me knowing how I am. He doesn’t get to change me.

[Anonymous]

Uh oh..

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you would struggle less if you got some therapy for your perfectionism. It would probably help you be a better parent, too. (Just ask any more-experienced parent whether their baby's "perfect birth plan" and "perfect nursery" and "perfect baby schedule" prevented toddler tantrums or teenage rebellion.)

[Anonymous]

Perfectionism and kids is a terrible combo. Do you want to be constantly worried because you're not perfect? By the time I got really good at the newborn stage, it was over, and same with everything after that. Even worse, your kids will feel like they're not good enough bc of your perfectionism. Seek therapy for anxiety, it's no way to live.

[Anonymous]

There are certain things you can’t control with parenthood. Perfection isn’t possible. It is impacting your husband, and it will impact your child, and your relationships with both. “He doesn’t get to change me” as a response to get me feedback and concern for your well-being will drive your marriage into the ground.

[Anonymous]

^as a response to *genuine feedback

[Anonymous]

Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always envisioned my life and had certain standards for it. I do struggle with feeling like things need to be a certain way and perfect. I like things to be just right. Example: I will make the same recipe many times until I perfect it. This happened for our wedding, home, and now our baby. I had to have prefect everything for this baby. My birth plan is not what I wanted and I’m crushed and in a bad funk. DH kindly sat me down and shared his feelings and worries over my perfection. He feels my feelings of perfection will derail my happiness. He doesn’t like how rigid I am and wants me to loosen up. I’m not sure how to achieve that or why I’m like this. He married me knowing how I am. He doesn’t get to change me.

That's true. He does not get to change you. Absolutely not.

However ... if you want to stay married ... you will talk with a psychiatrist about what are, at best, OCD tendencies. It's a rough way to live, and is affecting those around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

[Anonymous]

It’s ocd and you need to do therapy with an ocd specialist don’t saddle your kid with that

[Anonymous]

What your child needs from you, more than anything else, is a loving, connected, emotionally available, relaxed, happy mom. Anything you can do to make yourself more like that is all to the good! I'm also a high-strung perfectionist, and it's good to have high standards, but you also need to recognize that you will not necessarily meet them in any given case and you will definitely never meet them in every case. It's often a good thing to WANT -- the part of me that worries incessantly over everything is the same part of me that notices we're running low on milk and someone's socks have holes and DH had a rough day so I'll make an effort to have his favorite dinner, just turned up to 11 -- but it's not actually achievable and the attempt will ruin your life and your kid's. Also your husband's, but he knew what he was getting into when he married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

Totally reasonable to be unhappy about abdominal surgery! But don't let it ruin your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What your child needs from you, more than anything else, is a loving, connected, emotionally available, relaxed, happy mom. Anything you can do to make yourself more like that is all to the good! I'm also a high-strung perfectionist, and it's good to have high standards, but you also need to recognize that you will not necessarily meet them in any given case and you will definitely never meet them in every case. It's often a good thing to WANT -- the part of me that worries incessantly over everything is the same part of me that notices we're running low on milk and someone's socks have holes and DH had a rough day so I'll make an effort to have his favorite dinner, just turned up to 11 -- but it's not actually achievable and the attempt will ruin your life and your kid's. Also your husband's, but he knew what he was getting into when he married you.

This is me. I probably do have some ocd. I felt get very high strung and that leaves me overwhelmed and stretched thin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like what he shared is valid
Work on it - seek therapy.

Will say .. now that you’re a parent.. You’re going to be faced with plenty of non perfect situations you absolutely can’t control. Saddle up.

I’m not a parent yet. I’m due next month. I really wanted a vaginal birth but I’m crushed now that we will have a scheduled c-section. I really wanted to avoid a c-section unless it was an emergency.

I know I’m hard to handle and like things the way I do. I think my issues stem from growing up in a dysfunction home with a very critical mom and stepdad who had no issues talking about people ( including me) if I was single for too long, gained weight, not making enough money, etc.

Seems to me the real issue is that you have no interest in changing. And it’s going to be a hard road for your husband and child to deal with a wife/mother is a perfectionist.

[Anonymous]

This must be very hard. It is critical to your own mental health, your marriage, and your baby to get this under control. Therapy or medication can help with anxiety and OCD tendencies.