Husband asked me to change my behavior

[Anonymous]

Op- you write your post as if the things you expect are normal. They aren't. Your husband did marry you this way but it's getting worse and impacting his and any kids you have- their lives. He sees what's coming and he's trying to help. Listen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

Aren’t you already upset with your child for being born the wrong way?

I mean, I don’t think that you are going to expect a toddler to keep her room clean, but what about when she keeps you from doing the things you want to do? Like giving birth the way you planned or breastfeeding or cleaning your house the way you want to?

[Anonymous]

You are crazy. You need meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

Aren’t you already upset with your child for being born the wrong way?

I mean, I don’t think that you are going to expect a toddler to keep her room clean, but what about when she keeps you from doing the things you want to do? Like giving birth the way you planned or breastfeeding or cleaning your house the way you want to?

I’m not upset with my baby. I’m upset with the circumstances but that’s it. It’s really weird how you keep assuming things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

Aren’t you already upset with your child for being born the wrong way?

I mean, I don’t think that you are going to expect a toddler to keep her room clean, but what about when she keeps you from doing the things you want to do? Like giving birth the way you planned or breastfeeding or cleaning your house the way you want to?

I’m not upset with my baby. I’m upset with the circumstances but that’s it. It’s really weird how you keep assuming things.

I’m the person you are quoting. That was my first post on this thread. There are a lot of people on an anonymous forum.

I get what you are saying. You aren’t upset with your child. You are upset with the circumstances your child caused by sitting in your uterus in the wrong way and messing up your plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

Aren’t you already upset with your child for being born the wrong way?

I mean, I don’t think that you are going to expect a toddler to keep her room clean, but what about when she keeps you from doing the things you want to do? Like giving birth the way you planned or breastfeeding or cleaning your house the way you want to?

I’m not upset with my baby. I’m upset with the circumstances but that’s it. It’s really weird how you keep assuming things.

Your kid will absolutely absorb your disappointment growing up and it will destroy their self esteem. Not to mention your marriage will likely not survive. Get help. We all come with baggage and it manifests when life gets rough but if you choose not to get help for it then it’s not your husband or kids’ job to stick around for your toxic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perfectionism is a weakness, a character flaw. We have all flaws but if yours is perfectionism, then it is time to work on it. Maybe with a therapist if you haven’t been able to change it on your own. It is something you should want to change. It is a flaw that negatively affects you and those around you.

It’s a trait that exists on a spectrum, like narcissism. Often healthy, but it can cause issues when out of balance.

OP, I think the recommendation to speak with a therapist is apt. Not because there’s something wrong with you, but because you’re more resilient than you realize, and life—being full of joy and grief—can feel tumultuous when we aren’t aware of our own strength.

Getting better acquainted with our capability for dealing with challenges builds self-trust and more ease.

Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

OP you need to change. Your perfectionism is bad for your family. Listen to your husband and learn to work with the curveballs life throws you.

[Anonymous]

Lexapro. I was like this and the reality is even things that can be 100 percent in your control can end up imperfect. And I was miserable most of the time. Even at my wedding, birth of my kid, etc. I could always find something to nit pick about. You are probably mean to your husband and try to control him too. It's no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

I would suggest a little therapy might help because our personality traits, fears, anxieties, etc. get heightened once we are apparent. I don’t have any scientific evidence for you on that but it is true and while you may think one thing before your parent, you truly don’t know Until you are one. Especially since you said you were treated a certain way growing up, some of those traumas pop up real hard once you become a parent yourself, even if unintended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

OP you need to change. Your perfectionism is bad for your family. Listen to your husband and learn to work with the curveballs life throws you.

+1

I would look at the husband’s suggestions with positive intent instead of thinking he’s just trying to change you OP. He’s telling you “this isn’t working for our family“ and with kindness he wants to help you feel better/do better. It is mentally exhausting to live with someone with perfectionism, OCD, anxiety. Especially when untreated. I would look at his suggestion as a gift and if you don’t hede it, he may be asking for a divorce in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

Seems unlikely. Most people with perfectionist tendencies extend it to their children.

This. I'm the PP with a mom like OP. My mom would never have said she expected us to be perfect. But her desire for control and perfection in all other situations in life is what ruined our relationship with her. And what contributed to my brother and mine own mental health struggles. I get that OP doesn't see how things can go wrong now, I think that goes along with her need for control and perfection. She doesn't see why it's bad. But as someone who has lived it and as someone who has a mom who deeply regrets it, please, make changes now.

[Anonymous]

Your marriage will end in divorce. Things won't be perfect and you can't control that. You need to learn to let go of some of this control. You will make your husband miserable and eventually your own child. Is that what you want all so you can have the perfect house and throw perfect parties? A miserable family?

[Anonymous]

I'm divorcing a perfectionist and holy crap, ove never felt so FREE!

I can leave a fork in the sink over night.
I can eyeball a hanging a picture on the wall.
I can get all sandy and messy with my kiddos.
I can let them stay up late on a warm summer night.
I can plan a weekend away in a whim without researching everything to death and huffing and puffing if every single ideal activity we are "supposed" to do at that location doesn't fit in the time frame.

It's been 6 months of separation and I literally wake up on a freedom high every single day. It's pure bliss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you going to do when your kid isn't perfect? When your kid doesn't behave exactly how you want? When they aren't how you want them to be?

I’m fine with that. My child doesn’t go be perfect. I don’t expect people to be perfect. I just like things like cooking, a party I throw, my home, etc., to be perfect. I want to have the most perfect welcome home for our baby.

Think hard about why you are trying to make the most perfect welcome for your baby. Who are you doing that for? The baby doesn’t need or care about coming home to a perfect welcome. The baby won’t remember any of it either. You are doing all of this for yourself not the baby or your husband. Perfectionism is about making yourself happy not the people around you.