Reply to Non-monogamy: dealbreaker? or am I being close-minded?

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[quote=Anonymous]Hey op
I’m a man in a similar situation
She wants non exclusive but seems to always make me a priority

I’ve never had an opportunity to feel jealous or a lack because when we are together she is 101% present

But she doesn’t want to be tied down

I’m 40 she is early 30s

I use this same thing you posted and it works great: look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."

[quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I am genuinely struggling with this. I do think he is too, a bit; he has said that these are his fears and fantasies and that he doesn't want to be hiding those, but also doesn't want to lose me, and recognizes that what he thinks he wants now (non-monogamy) may be something he no longer feels he needs in six months, etc. We are both still working through some grief and resentment towards our respective exes, and I recognize that in some ways neither of us is necessarily at a place where we can say clearly (to ourselves or others), "I know what I want."

Honestly I woke up feeling angry at him-- feeling like, "Screw you, you may not intend to be manipulative or exploitative, but that is the result; you're just yet another middle-aged man who bizarrely thinks he's God's gift to women and should have some entitlement to sleep around in the name of freedom; either you care enough about me to keep your pants zipped, which seems like a pretty minimal requirement-- I am not proposing marriage, here–– or you don't, and if you don't, I'm done."

But then I was browsing through various newspapers and magazines and was looking at Slate's advice columns, and they have these very smart, thoughtful people talking about ethical non-monogamy, and that made me think that maybe I was being to harsh on him, and should try to have more willingness to be open to the possibility that my own assumptions are too rigid, and could/should be challenged-- or at least open to accepting that these are still early days, I don't completely know what I want or what will work for me, and I should be open to saying, "look, I feel some discomfort about this, but am willing to see where things go and how we each feel in another month or two or three and just keep reevaluating."[/quote][/quote]

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